x187 BARB WIRE (11/29/98)


Directed by David (Most Wanted) Hogan

Written by Ilene (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) Chaiken and Chuck (The Jackal - 1997) Pfarrer

If you were thinking of going to this Post-Apocalypse Festival, save your money. There hasn't been anything this bad since that Ren Festival where half the visitors contracted Pneumonic Plague. They staged the Post-Ap Fest inside the rustest town in Canada to save money on decorations. The main draw was a robot Pamela Anderson Lee who got drunk, mumbled something about forged contact lenses, and trained her dog to fetch men by their groins. This was billed as a cyber-punk adventure but they weren't fooling anybody. Even an idiot could recognize it as a lame replay of 'Casablanca', with Pamela assuming Bogart's role as a topless dancer. Actor Steve Railsback was on hand, trying to scare everyone with his impression of an American Gestapo officer. It might have worked if his storm trooper boots didn't make him look three inches shorter. Grossest of all the public exhibits was a salvage yard where they stockpiled dangerously overweight crime bosses. One named Big Fatso was hauled out in an earth mover but they stopped short of mashing his body into a cube. Pamela and a resistance fighter battled the American Gestapo in a dockyard for the big finale...but no one was paying attention. We were busy trying to signal Pamela's dog to fetch Tommy Lee.


Ironf> The future is about to get two huge lumps.
Djenk> Heavy Metal version of Cameo.....folks we're in trouble.
Ironf> And just off camera Tommy is beating someone.
Balthayzr> Or himself, Iron.
KevinL1> You know, this movie has SFC Original written all over it, yet it's not.
whitelion1> the cheap version of footloose.
Djenk weeps as the band sucks all the funk out the song.
Balthayzr> In the future, it appears the new currency is silicone.
Plumm> So, I'm confused. Raul Julia is the Chinese stripper?
Cthulhu> I could watch those stairs all day.
Balthayzr> And they bump into Le femme Nakita.
BryanL> Cut the CHEESE?
Ironf> ahh breathy voiceovers.
BryanL> Rule One: NEVER let Pam do voiceovers.
KevinL> Rule Two: NEVER let Pam do movies, television shows, video games, radio, or anything else, ever.
Cthulhu> Tell that to Penthouse Kevin.
BEMaven> a Cease Fire commercial during 'Barb Wire'?
BryanL> She's got cybertits! This IS the future.
Plumm> Test runs of the "turning Japanese" machine.
Ironf> I'm sure the breast cups are crucial to the machine.
Balthayzr> Who's tits are more fake? Hers or Pams?
Plumm> Any reason why the future Nazis are wearing Ranger medallions?
Cthulhu> Can you tell me why I am having these odd cramps?
whitelion1> talk about your crash carts.
BEMaven> krebs? Maynard G. is part of an underground movement?
Plumm> The Beatnik Front, man!
Ironf> TINY!!!!
Balthayzr> Wow. WCW entertains the crowd outside the bar.
whitelion1> its studio 54!
Plumm> Studio 5.4
Ironf> 3 seconds of Tiny make the film worthwhile almost.
BryanL> Every single person in this movie is either bald or Bret Michaels.
Cthulhu> Half the customers are LARP Vampire players.
BEMaven> a shiek who talks like Ricky Ricardo?
Ironf> Is that Dru Barrymore's mum?
Plumm> New from Marvel: Hanson 2099.
BryanL> We have crappy heavy metal cover of "Hot Child in the City". Which means it's time to kill me.
Djenk kills Bryan.
KevinL> it's more of a Glam Rock version of Casablanca.
Ironf> ahh fakey afro.
BryanL> Wasn't he bald two scenes ago?
Plumm> LET'S WIG IT ON!!!!!
Cthulhu> Jesus! I hate to see what she wears after she punches out for the night.
Djenk> UNfortunately, this film IS happening.
Balthayzr> Mystery Science cleavage theatre 42D.
BryanL> This movie is serious evidence of the true dangers of the casting couch system.
Balthayzr> What, exactly, are her breast's motivation here?
BEMaven> divide and conquer, Balth.
Cthulhu> To bounce around and sue for silcone poisoning.
BEMaven> i'm trying to remember the last time Pamela Lee sexually excited me.
Cthulhu> I certainly can't remember.
BryanL> Are you, by chance, a casting director, BEMaven?
BEMaven> I think it was the time I mistook her for Carol Lawrence.
Balthayzr> I think she must be like a camel. She stores water in there or something.
Cthulhu> No, she California's Silicone reserve.
whitelion1> she would look strange after 2 weeks in the desert.
Ironf> midget sign.
Balthayzr> Prostitution Squad! Spread 'Em!!
Cthulhu> Every post-holocaust movie needs a midget... it's in the union rules.
Balthayzr> It's close, but she still has a little more plastic than Barbie.
Djenk prays hard that this scene doesn't go much further.
Cthulhu> Is she going to hang a picture? What's with the stud finder?
Plumm> He sure is quick with his bondage suit.
Cthulhu> That's it... there IS no God... this movie proves it.
BryanL> She's gonna shave the HELL out of that wall.
Plumm> Uh, you're supposed to put the shaving cream in his *hand* after you knock him out.
Balthayzr> Is this still the sex scene?
BryanL> Barb Wire: A film by John Won't.
Ironf> fridge-fu.
BryanL> She studies Tit Kwan Do.
Ironf> Rupaul did all the stunts. It'sssss truuuuuueee!
Q> twit kwan do, more like, bry
Cthulhu> Well the breast help build up momentum for the spin kicks.
BryanL> CLINT!
Ironf> Clint Howard, ladies and gents.
BryanL> He's the best thing in this movie.
whitelion1> where is ron?
Ironf> crying.
Balthayzr> Rubber Pamela Buggy Bumpers.
BryanL> That guy's already had three orgasms.
Ironf> Udo has to drink to work with her, and he did lots of films with Warhol.
BryanL> Four.
BEMaven> he's going to the fronts right now, ifyouknowwhatimean.
BryanL> There's five.
Cthulhu> I but you you can play a mean guitar riff on that string holding her dress together.
BryanL> It might have been resistance related. We're measuring people's ohms.
BEMaven> music to strip search by?
KevinL> We're checking a few I.D.'s, and a few Super E.G.O.'s.
Balthayzr> Poor girl, doesn't own a thing in her size.
BryanL> So, she changed from her cleavage-showing leather bodysuit to... her cleavage-showing leather bodysuit?
Balthayzr> Of course, Goodyear doesn't make anything in her size.
Ironf> So the Michelene Man had a daughter, is that so bad?
whitelion1> distinguished visitors? real actors?
Djenk is going to bed....feel free to wake me if Pamela ever chages her facial expression or her voice inflection....
Balthayzr> Come for the Glam-Rock, stay for the crotch Biting!!
Cthulhu> OH GOD!!!!! Someone kill the writers! NOW!
Ironf> I think someone confused this with a movie once.
BryanL> So. Looks like Skid Row's lead singer DOES enter into the plot.
KevinL> She might go nutso and put on a shirt.
Ironf> I lost a lot of sensation from my last enlargment.
BryanL> Seattle. The Frasier Crane Rampage still gives her flashbacks.
BEMaven> you guys should stay for Goose Line Dancing.
Balthayzr> So, what classic film should we cyber-punk up next? Bishop's Wife?
Cthulhu> No, I say the Wizard of Oz.
KevinL> Cthulhu-- Dorthy could be some gothic netrunner.
Cthulhu> Toto would be an anti-ICE program.
Ironf> NAM!!!
Balthayzr> SEATTLE!!!!!!!
BryanL> Watch out for the flashback.
Balthayzr> Full Silicone Jacket.
THX-1138> They stole this from the Snake Eyes/ Storm Shadow GI Joe comic book story line.
KevinL> Retinal contact? You stick them to the back of the inside of your eyeball? Ouch.
Cthulhu> If you don't take this job, I'll kill this egg timer!
BEMaven> yes, but do the lenses tint your eyes?
Balthayzr> You could get another body part augmentated!
BryanL> Of course, they're disposable lenses.
Balthayzr> Oh, no! Will Mr. Freeze turn our heroes into frosty-freezies?
Plumm> Sometimes you're the windshield, Colonel!
Ironf> Look, a facehugger on the back of his head.
Balthayzr> It wasn't a bubblebath when she got in.....
BryanL> Those bubbles are freakishly resilient. It looks like she's been plastered.
Balthayzr> Convenient-Sticky Bubble bath. Keeping heroines safe from nude scenes since 1965.
whitelion1> lenses=transport papers.
Cthulhu> Killer viruses? Where was this in Casablanca?
KevinL1> this whole movie's derivative, and can kill in 2 hours, so what's so special about this Red Ribbon crap?
Balthayzr> She put on some clothes, and it actually revealing MORE!!
BEMaven> you can't threaten pamela...she can't process the necessary data.
Ironf> I dunno, she seems to have two huge super processors strapped to her chest.
BryanL> Searching the place will be much easier when it's covered in shards of broken glass.
whitelion1> those are surge protecters, ironf.
BryanL> I'm guessing the music and slomo means we're supposed to feel bad about the bar being trashed, huh?
Balthayzr> Oops, sorry, Prohibition ended over 100 years ago! Our bad!
Balthayzr> Uh, why are we advertising a toddler's game now?
Cthulhu> That the mental age of most Barb Wire fans.
Cthulhu> I'm still trying to figure out who these pseudo-nazis are?
Ironf> the good guys.
Balthayzr> Liquor Commission.
Balthayzr> Cool. Cyberpunk Fat Albert!
Ironf> This is actually George Kennedy in a ton of prostetics.
Cthulhu> What the hell? That guy's got a wind chime on his helmet!
Balthayzr> Big Fatso? How many meetings did it take to come up with that???
BryanL> Jabbasmith Black Mambazo.
THX-1138 prays Pamela doesn't start to sing La Marseillaise.
Elroy-L> noooOO!!!! bon jovi is dead...
Balthayzr> What outfit is she gonna put on next? Leather pasties?
KevinL1> She's giving up her bar to become a UPS driver.
Cthulhu> So we take Casablanca, add in elements of Batman, Fat Albert, Jony Memonic, the A-Team, and the Pamela/Tommy Honeymoon tape, and we have Barb Wire?
THX-1138> Did they explain earlier if Barb was short for something?
Elroy-L> yeah, Barbiturates.
Balthayzr> "Goodbye, sweet Charlie. Your part is over, your ruining of your acting resume is thru."
KevinL1> No, no, no. His acting resume wouldn't be -completely- ruined until Event Horizon.
BEMaven> were Pamela's boobs in 'Event horizon'?
Cthulhu> Well, they did need significant mass to create a singularity, so yes.
KevinL1> On the other side is the Unoccupied Zone. That's where everybody lives.
Balthayzr> Unoccupied Zone.....Evil Empire..... a lot of thought went into location shooting for this movie, didn't it?
Cthulhu> Hey! Hey! Hey!
whitelion1> thats forbiddin, cthulu.
Balthayzr> Is Big fatso his christian name?
BryanL> This is the weirdest episode of "Roc" ever.
whitelion1> or of the A-team.
Cthulhu> OK! It one thing to rip-off Casablanca, but they crossed to line when they dragged the A-Team into this!
Plumm> I dunno, Bryan. Did you see the impotence one?
THX-1138> Megaforce!
Balthayzr> This must be a SimCity. Airport by the junkyard, next to the water.
Plumm> This is like the tragic ending of Escape from the Planet of the Apes.
BEMaven> you mean Pamela's going to throw her boobs in the ocean?
Balthayzr> It's a good thing we let government collapse, the economy's gone to hell, millions have died, but our nations construction crane's still work! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
BEMaven> he died as he lived...too short to be a Storm Trooper.
Balthayzr> I don't remember exploding forklifts in Casablanca. Maybe on the director's cut?
KevinL1> That can't be sanitary.
BEMaven> ironically, they're bumped.
Balthayzr> So what did we learn?
Ironf> I learned that Pam films as she lives. A giant dumb boob.
whitelion1> this movie belongs NEVER to be preserved.
Balthayzr> I learned that Pam's best acting job does, indeed, involve "jobs".
Cthulhu> I learned that the next civil war will be fought over--of all places--Seattle.
BryanL> I learned that Roc had an episode about impotence.
THX-1138> I learned to hate again.
BEMaven> I learned that Pamela must have done the casting couch Triathalon to get this far in her career.
BryanL> "Boom over here, boom over there, boom everywhere".
KevinL1> Bryan, this was Barb Wire. The lyrics are "Boob over here, boob over there..."
BryanL> Why, all of a sudden, does this movie have a score?
Balthayzr> On, no! There was a song called "Don't Call Me Babe!"
Elroy-L> for god sake, Frank, push the button....


"Cut the cheese. Where's my money?"
"Willis. He was a drunk with sticky fingers."
"Congressional smart grenade. Followed me all the way to my foxhole."
"You could get 2 Mill Canadian, easy."
"Red Ribbon: a deriative of HIV that kills in 12 hours."
"How utterly gall-danged heroic."
"You are charged with concealing information about a certain pair of contact lenses."

Commercial sign
Balthayzr> I am all in favor of a prison for clowns.
Cthulhu> I'd love to see the Clown Death Row at that place.
Balthayzr> It's pretty cool. They can pack 30 clown in the gas chamber.
whitelion1> forty if they use some midgets.
Cthulhu> Yeah... and they play "No body knows" on a slide whistle.
Balthayzr> The electric chair has a whoopie cushion on it.
Cthulhu> Firing sqaud uses seltzer bottles.
BEMaven> I'd prefer death by injection.
Balthayzr> Lethal Injection goes into a rubber hand.
BEMaven> ...or being garroted by a balloon animal.
whitelion1> no, it's with a rubber chicken.

BEMaven broke his nose when he opened the Barb Wire Pop-Up Book.