x183 CHROME SOLDIERS (11/18/98)


Directed by Thomas (Thunderboat Row) Wright

Written by Ross (Rush Hour) LaManna and Jonas (Malice) McCord

Produced as cable fodder for the Pickup Truck Channel, this Gary Busey star vehicle moves with the breathe-taking pace of a long line at the DMV. In the first 30 minutes alone, the story firmly establishes that the hero's brother is dead and the rest of the cast isn't. Busey and his veteran soldier buddies re-form their theraputic motorcycle gang and visit the sleepy little town where the death took place. More than halfway throught the movie, they are reasonably certain that the brother did not explode and burn down to a dessicated stump as the result of natural causes. Impeding their investigation is the slinky Sheriff (William Atherton) and a twisted deputy who oils his gun with his palms. The true criminal turns out to the local banker, who has convinced area farmers that harvesting controlled substances instead of squash will qualify them for Federal subsidies. With the uncanny precision of linebackers on an old electric football field, everyone gathers at the riverside for the decisive battle. Justice is served and Busey rides off to establish a driver's training school with Kelsey Grammar.

Biker Mouse Club
BEMaven> Chrome Soldiers - the Christmas Story?
Balthayzr> Nice Video Toaster Font, there.
Balthayzr> Great. We get to watch this boob video-tape his possessions for insurance purposes.
Ironf> 83% of the budget actually went up Busey's nose.
* Ironf is glad he was able to make the first busey/coke riff.
Balthayzr> When did Busey start wearing a helmet?
Ironf> Micheal Meyers' day job.
Balthayzr> That is one old shop-class student.
Ironf> The hell, if you run a line to ring the bell, why not just run a phone line?
BEMaven> someone traveled 50 miles just to ring his doorbell and run.
Balthayzr> Nice jumpsuit. Is he next to be launced into space by a Forrester?
* Plum wanders back from kitchen.
Plum> miss anything?
Ironf> The first busey/coke riff, that's all plumm.
Ironf> that was almost a white man's fro.
Plum> the humble beginnings of Jeb Bush's drug smuggling ring.
BEMaven> down there, they kill for their nightcrawlers.
Balthayzr> Today on the Catch and Release Show: Drug Smuggling on the Off-Season.
BEMaven> Well, at least he avoided burping his tank.
Plum> Dammit, when do we see Chuck turn into a bear?
BEMaven> it's a slow transformation, Plum. He's starting with his chin.
Plum> Uh-oh, the boatload of cocaine is gone! Busey was counting on that to last him at least 2 days!
Ironf> Busey has Hulk hair.
Ironf> Grrrrrr Hulk snort!
Plum> Bro?
Ironf> notice that movie pictures are fireproof.
* Plum makes Jif on wonder bread sandwhiches on the fly.
Ironf> Wonderbread, you'll wonder what's in it.
BEMaven> His brother was cremated into a thin chalky outline?
Plum> He got that medal for bravery in the lines of coke.
Ironf> Why is Busey amused?
Plum> He was, Maven, but Busey got confused and snorted the evidence.
BEMaven> Busey is amused at William Atherton as a Southern tough guy.
* Ironf cracks up at the guy caressing his gun.
* Plum notes that you can always spread peanut butter with the back of a spoon if no knife is handy.
* Plum learned that trick hiking the appalachian trail.
Ironf> or just use the handle of a fork or spoon.
Balthayzr> There's Uncle Joe, he's just-a looking for some blow, at the Junction....
BEMaven> Busey burned all the spoons, Plum. Tragic accident.
Balthayzr> Geez, Yaphet's hair looks like a stocking cap.
BEMaven> "Still sinking in"... Atherton as a southern tough guy?
Ironf> He looks like a rapper type.
Balthayzr> Pausing...... while talking......equals great...... emotional...... turmoil.....
Plum> Chicago! That place is crawling with coke lawyers!
Ironf> Looks like a poor man's Roddy Piper to me.
BEMaven> Is this a 2 hour 10-321 commercial?
Balthayzr> And he pulls a cel phone outa the horse's.....
Plum> 10-TEN-321!
Plum> 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-10-321!
Balthayzr> Hot Long-Distance Phoning Action!!!
BEMaven> I can't understand what's keeping Frank Stallone.
Balthayzr> So, the first hour of the movie is the Noticification of Loved Ones?
Ironf> I need some Scientological music.
BEMaven> Which motorcycle is carrying the coffin?
Ironf> Hell's Angles always puts the FUN in funeral.
Plum> He lays for me in coke-addled paths, whilst the sweet tunes of Frank Stallone leadeth me to higher plane.
Balthayzr> For I shall wear no helmet.
Balthayzr> Stop that. No men in leather pants hugging.
Plum> 2cute2be4gotten, man! NAM!
Balthayzr> The Receding Hairline 7!!
BEMaven> I see a rival for kotto's bad hair day.
* THX-1138 has joined.
Balthayzr> What the heck is this, Hell's Combovers?
BEMaven> Did they put the Harleys in the kid's bedroom?
Balthayzr> When these guys play basketball, do they split into toupees vs. combovers?
Ironf> nope, coked-up, non-coked-up.
Plum> Brush your yellow teeth, Jim.
BEMaven> "I'm thinking of leavin' the Air Force". They won't let him fly jets naked anymore.
Balthayzr> Could we please have more extreme closeups of everyone's bad dental work? I have a bridge fetish.
Plum> "Stuart Mayflower III" Character names by ObviosoCo.
* Balthayzr slaps bad toupee of wormy guy.
Ironf> I have to get back to the college and look in on the laser.
Plum> Dogpile on the Yaphet! Dogpile on the Yaphet!
* Balthayzr laughs at heroes getting a whuppin'.
Ironf> "pudwieser".
THX-1138> Gee is gonna bust his Eye-talian foot up someones ass.
Ironf> dammit, show the "pudwieser" sign again!
Balthayzr> Oboy! The exciting Insurance debate scene! I did my thesis on this scene, you know.
Ironf> And Busey's job is to snort anything powdery and white.
Plum> Our bank needs more drug money. We just can't keep up with Madison Guaranty!
Balthayzr> So, which one of these guys is Nicholson, and which one Peter Fonda, again?
Ironf> Busey is playing the part of Nicholson's nose.
Balthayzr> Uh, it's been an hour. Are we just gonna watch the Rat-on-our-heads Patrol just ride around?
Balthayzr> Could we not talk about the sheriff's johnson?
BEMaven> There's someone feeling his gut? Ick.
Ironf> power ballad time.
Plum> ah, the stirring Trapper John reprise in C minor.
Ironf> Hot ankle action!
Plum> I really think the NAM! angle is dangerously downplayed.
Ironf> are they applying to be Shriners?
BEMaven> "the biker thing... was just... therapy" To conquer their fear of leather?
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, where are the villians? Did they just wander off to the commisary or something?
Ironf> And that's how they became......The B-Team!
Plum> Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak ME!
Balthayzr> I bet this sheriff went on to star in many fine Animal House and Porky's ripoffs.
Ironf> gah, that hair.
Plum> so, bike-riding nam vets vs. coke-running sheriff. for fun.
BEMaven> didn't they brief the heavies on the plot points?
Ironf> HASH!
Balthayzr> Godammit! It's not coke!!
BEMaven> Can't remember the last time I saw heavies move so...gingerly.
THX-1138> Well, well. Check out the big brain on Brad.
Balthayzr> Yes, disposing of the bike minutes after his brother asked for it! The perfect plan!!
Ironf> Wow look at Busey emote.
BEMaven> The Wuss villain count in this movie is up to 3. Where's the real villain?
Balthayzr> 'You know, maybe planting birdseed *doesn't* result in a bird crop.'
THX-1138> Sunglasses on a cloudy day.
Ironf> I hear he wears his sunglasses at night.
* Balthayzr awaits the arrival of Jessica Lange and Sally Field.
Plum> Let's get back to the work of the American People! There's no murder here!
BEMaven> What a wuss. You don't need a show of hands for a cover-up.
THX-1138> Why does Kotto have a sponge on his head?
Plum> ABSORBENCY is the key, THX.
Balthayzr> They wrapped yellow ribbonn around the whole lake?
BEMaven> Hell's Angels meets Waiting for Godot.
Balthayzr> This guy wants to be a Stray Cat so bad....
THX-1138> 1 dollar! Cool! I can buy some slime from the supermarket now!
BEMaven> The Wuss villian count is now up to 4.
THX-1138> There are women in this movie?
Balthayzr> I'm begining to miss the fast-paced action and mind-twisting plots of Diagnosis: Murder.
THX-1138> Mary jewana and people refusing to grow...hmmmm what's the connection?
Balthayzr> I know! We could have an archery contest! He's sure to show up!!
Plum> The Sheriff is so baked.
Ironf> snicker, I bet that was the women all dressed up.
Balthayzr> Could more people in this movie MUTTER???
BEMaven> 'Hot damn! No yellow tape! It's a cinch.'
Balthayzr> You know, with a name like Chrome Soldiers, i expected more androids.
Ironf> or metal vibrators.
BEMaven> commercial sign.
Ironf> heh 'tastiest thing to happen to weed'
BEMaven> kiebler growing pot? that explains the funny taste in the Pecan Sandies.
Balthayzr> It's the new Alice B. Tolkias Chips, BEM.
BEMaven> ...actually, I stopped eating them, balth. I kept waking up to Busey movies.
Balthayzr> Shaped like your favorite 70's radicals!!
THX-1138> Chrome Soldiers delivers hot missed turnoff action.
Balthayzr> So, Deputy, what are your turnoffs?
THX-1138> I missed the turnoff, and I'm old.
BEMaven> that is one screwed-up panty raid.
Balthayzr> I hope Busey flashed back to this multiple times during his coma.
Plum> Why do they keep playing the Due South theme?
Balthayzr> Must be Down South. Notice the faux banjo music?
Plum> Busey. I can't believe I'm back watching Busey.
BEMaven> faux banjo? hmmmmm.
Balthayzr> This started out as such a nice version of the Wild One.
THX-1138> Time to make some cocktails and get piss drunk.
Plum> Nice how the sheriff manages to quickly deputize half the town so as to slaughter a bunch of NAM! heros.
Ironf> shouldn't those cocktails exploded on impact since we heard the glass breaking?
BEMaven> the first time in movie history that Molotovs didn't go off.
Balthayzr> He hit Johnson's johnson!
BEMaven> did so many men have to die over a clubhouse?
Balthayzr> This is the 90's remake of the Little Rascals, BEM.
Balthayzr> Sheriff and deputy are Butch and the Woim.
Plum> what? they're deflowering Blackwell?
Ironf> I guess he slammed them in the worst dressed list, Plum.
BEMaven> Woim wouldn't have cracked until they brought out the chainsaw.
Balthayzr> Guess that makes Busey Alfalfa. Hair's about right.
BEMaven> Festive lights for a marajuana barge?
Balthayzr> They're gonna sneak him into the drive-in?
THX-1138> Is Keyser Soze on that boat?
Balthayzr> Hey! It's that guy that was there for a while then wasn't here!
BEMaven> oh, yes. smuggle dope on the biggest, most visible boat in the county.
Plum> These are some enterprising and hands-on bankers, I'll give'em that.
Balthayzr> Uh, on behalf of sidewalk curbs everywhere, I'd like to point out the futility of hitting Busey in the head.
Ironf> don't forget bar tops too.
Balthayzr> YAY! Some guy got arrested for some reason!!
* Balthayzr prepares for massive credit-sequence Power Ballad.
* Ironf grooves.
Balthayzr> And they all join the Bret Hart fan Club, as we can see by their jackets.
THX-1138> Take me away my crotch rocket.
Ironf> How gay is a big purple helmet and lots of leather?
Balthayzr> So, we don't care where the drugs came from, or were going to?
Plum> gay as a cock girdle, ironf.
BEMaven> They were imported from Japan. Buy American!
Balthayzr> Yes, but who supplied the seeds? I MUST KNOW!!!
Ironf> A Chrome Soldiers Productions??

SLOW--Men Working
"It's me, Sheriff. Deputy Ralph Johnson."
"Those rich biker scum."
"Ok, ok, don't get all juiced up."
"Well ya know something, you silver-tongued pixie lawyer...?"
"The local constables have been on us like flies on flop ever since we rode into town."
"Tell them about the nozzle."
"Johnson, everyone has to be somewhere..."

A special citation goes to Gary Busey for employing the Samuel Morse Method of Staccato Acting...
"I buried....... him."
"Exactly how much... money... does she need... to keep... the home?"
"I think... Tom should... look into... this."
"The biker thing... was just... therapy."

Let's Have A Show Of Hands
The following discussion is of a highly bawdy nature and may prove offensive to reference librarians.

THX-1138> He's got special masturbation gloves.
Plum> Hey, who doesn't?
Ironf> I was able to get mine signed by GK.
Plum> I bought GK's old masturbation gloves at a Sotheby's auction and now use them 5 times a day.
Balthayzr> Only 5 times?
Ironf> How many miles do you put on your wank-gloves before you rotate?
BEMaven> Miles? That's just boasting.
THX-1138> Wank gloves help prevent callus formation.
Balthayzr> I use the self-rotating gloves from Sharper Image.
THX-1138> Are those neoprene?
THX-1138> Cause the wool ones I use get itchy.
BEMaven> If there's a model with steel radials, I don't want to know.
THX-1138> And they're hard to wash.
Ironf> I finally got around to putting on the studded ones for winter.
BEMaven> Can anyone tell if you're using whitewalls?
Ironf> depends on if they see the beginning or the end.
BEMaven> If i wasn't so broke, i'd definitely buy the Goodyear brand.

The Energizer Bunny could have solved that case in one hour, according to BEMaven