x30 AIRPORT '77 (11/18/97)

Director: Jerry "Jenna" Jameson
Writers: Michael "I Know GK" Scheff, David "Warren" Spector
Producer: William "Stephen" Frye

Ah, Mr George Kennedy. A finer example of world-class talent would be damn near impossible to find. GEORGE: the very word symbolizes strength, capability, goodness, wisdom. He is all things and he is no thing. George Kennedy is a man who will fiiiiiight for yoooour hooooonor. George Kennedy is the noblest product mankind has been able to produce. Any film is suddenly catapulted into the realm of "classics" the instant GK is cast. He brings to any production of aura of compassion and warm professionalism. His every move is destined to be picked apart and studied by scholars for centuries to come. Gazing into George's eyes is pure ecstasy unmatched by any pleasure. His gaze is said to produce instantaneous orgasms in even the neutered. GK: sex god. GK: human tornado. GK: avatar of manliness. Oh, there's this movie about a plane that falls in the ocean. Or something. Jimmy Stewart is also in it, but he's no GK.

Balthayzr> Starring a man with the biggest lobes in the world
nicklby> OK, if you couldn't get a job in this movie, you just weren't trying
andre23b7x8> David Spector's famous "Wall of Screenplay"
dungarees> No GK, no dialogue, it really doesn't get any better than this
BillDoor> Don't forget folks. In the 70s, there was no such thing as security.
nicklby> you know, those black clothes really help them blend in with the white buildings
Q> ah, lee marvin is here - it is now officially a cheap 70's movie
dungarees> He's found the secret formula that allows Gravy Train to make it's own gravy!
andre23b7x8> jack lemmon IS Adolf Hitler IN the Rollie Fingers Story
* nicklby basks in the warmth that is George
BillDoor> You know, when I engage in clandestine operations, I always volunteer to be the guy that does nothing but lurk near a chain link fence.
dungarees> They've got the poor man's Harvey Keitel guarding the door
bowleg2> I wonder if this movie will ever stop introducing new characters...
dungarees> There's something very Roy Thinnes about this guy that makes me nervous
THX-1138> Rumor has it James Cameron wants to re-make this with digital effects and a $200 million budget.
Balthayzr> Watch out! They've put in a Bad Disguise Detector.
nicklby> "That's for the hug. Now where's the booze? I've gotta fly in an hour and I'm not flying sober"
dungarees> Nice glasses, co pilot, but where's your zoot suit?
Balthayzr> "I don't wanna look at you or I may crack up at yer goofy disguise again!"
dungarees> Man that is a powerfully ugly child. I definitely buy that he sprang form GK's loins
BillDoor> There...now the entire plane will know the wonder of Michael Jordan cologne.
bowleg2> I wonder if the pilot is suffering from eye dominance problems.
Q> add a lava lamp and some big random overlapping shapes, and it'd be perfect
THX-1138> They're gonna watch the laserdisc version of Death Ship!
bowleg2> Ladies and gentlemen, I'd also like to mention we are still firmly in the 70s.
dungarees> so, she just likes to hold and fondle the intercom mic, but has no plans to use it
Balthayzr> Ah, the good old days when you could take yer gun on a plane with no hassle....
bowleg2> So would anyone really mourn the passing of any given passenger on this plane?
BillDoor> Soft Focus == Hot Monkey Love
Balthayzr> "Ok, now we crash the plane! HaHAHAHAHAHA! Wait a second...."
Q> so what do you guys think: this guy a candidate for blacks without soul?
bowleg2> Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Charles back when he was white
dungarees> And why, exactly, was it necessary to pistol whip Jack Lemmon et al. Other than that it was fun?
Q> what's that noise - is someone playing $10,000 pyramid?
bowleg2> There better be some more GK in this thing. 1 minute of screen time isn't going to cut it.
Balthayzr> There is a disturbing lack of GK in this movie, isn't there?
Ironf> I've got it! Everyone will wake up with "morning breath" and they will have to bring in GK.
dungarees> So Jimmy Stewart is Benji's grandfather...I mean I knew he was close to Harvey, but the dog thing comes right out of left field
bowleg2> movie, please: a malfunction, a terrorist, a crazed Tab Hunter, a bit of GK, anything!
THX-1138> Dammit! I was too busy drinking when the attendant went over what to do in an emergency!
Balthayzr> I couldn't connect.
dungarees> Balth, your inability to connect is the talk of the town
BillDoor> Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, Balth.
Ironf> Yeah that's it, let the guy with just one good arm open the possibly extra heavy door.
Balthayzr> I bet there's a credit in this film for "Goofy Noise Wrangler"
THX-1138> You see, I'm a doctor in the sense that I have a PhD in Education.
dungarees> When did Lance Henriksen and Richard Nixon's lovechild get on the plane?
THX-1138> Next time you go to Amsterdam, be sure to bring your generic Auto Club card, because the hookers and pot bars don't take American Express.
Balthayzr> Movie rule #284 - a disaster must feature a woman crying in the backround.
bowleg3> the original Gilligan's Island pilot featured Christopher Lee as the skipper. It's a little-known fact.
THX-1138> All I know is a plane crashed and George Kennedy is gonna come and save the day by using his superior mind powers and inborn piloting talents.
Balthayzr> "Director says we're moving too fast. Slow down."
THX-1138> The movie that dares to show you what happens AFTER a rescue.

"I don't play golf!"
"I need someone to be nice to me this week. Can you be nice to me this week?"
"And how about this: Lisa and Benji are coming home with us!"
"Keep searching!"
"What's the matter, the computer too quick for ya?"
"Let's take a walk and get some fresh air..."
"We're keeping the line open at this end!"


This page was thoroughly drowned by Rev. Ontor Perkowitz