Written by Wink (Wink???) "Ski Patrol" Roberts
Directed by Jim "I directed four shitty X-Files episodes" Charleston and George "I was unit production manager on Indecent Proposal Manasse

Ah, yes. Rupert Murdoch bends us over Al Bundy's smelly old couch and goes to work on us yet again. From the assorted Smithees who brought you Gargantua, it's Legion of Fire: Killer Ants. Yes, one of the few movies we've done with a colon. One thing's for sure: it did spray crap all over us. "The ant movie" begins with Ally McBeal on a mountain bike vacation in Alaska being swallowed whole by the aforementioned legion of fire. Then, it's off to L.A., where this week's fey wormy guy is called to Alaska for no good reason. Upon arriving, he finds Assistant Director Skinner undercover as the Wrangler Man, and the town's frigid schoolmarm all over him. But there's a legion of fire to be destroyed, as cracker after helpless cracker is consumed by the swarm of variably-sized killer ants. Computer-generated imaging is abused, as fey-boy creates a homemade flamethrower as horribly impotent as he is. Eventually, it all ends... I didn't stay, because Canadian TV is a crock and they were showing the unedited Asian version of... Legion of Fire! Killer Ants!.

Plum> "This is not science fiction. This is science fact. The story you are about to see could happen . . . TOMORROW!"
mgrasso> i love the title too. it's like they used one of those "refrigerator poetry" sets. "legion of fire: killer ants."
Ironf> Umm is this a bug hunt, man?
Plum> This is actually an X-Files movie, kinda like those made-for-tv Ewok things.
mgrasso> he's got that peter gallgher elan.
mgrasso> jeff goldblum's non-union mexican counterpart.
BEMaven> They stepped on quite a few ants. Think it will rain?
Plum> Kevin Costner IS Mark Harmon in Summer School 3: Arachnogigantica!
mgrasso> oh i see. he's wormy, but he's a stud.
mgrasso> no, wait, he's definitely wormy. in a california sort of way.
Plum> Let's be careful out there!
mgrasso> coleman francis international airport.
mgrasso> so, does pileggi play the king of the ant kingdom?
mgrasso> they brought a shotgun. ON A FISHING TRIP?
Ironf> redneck fishing Grasso
mgrasso> jack london's call of the x-files
BEMaven> I'm waiting for Sheryl Fenn in plastic.
Plum> Moose, moose, moose. What is moose?
mgrasso> skinner sign!
Plum> Poor Mitch.
BEMaven> Jean-Luc Picard of the RCMP.
Plum> Maybe we'll be treated to ancient Indian wisdom about fire ants later.
mgrasso> you know, you can pick your nose, and you can pick your skeletons, but you can't pick your skeleton's nose
BEMaven> This is the world's longest Taster's Choice commercial.
mgrasso> wow. so... he's wormy, smug, square-jawed, and femmy.
Plum> There's a Red Meat cartoon on the wall!
mgrasso> it's "bob" dobbs!
Plum> These aren't your large ants, the kind a fellow like me would take for a wife.
BEMaven> A composite sketch of the suspect.
BEMaven> So the ants think they're in Brazil.
BEMaven> He died as he lived...for no particular reason.
mgrasso> you know, between the CGI ants and limbs and the earthquakes, this movie went over 5,000 dollars for their fx budget
BEMaven> Don't forget all the dirt they had to buy.
mgrasso> is it me, or does that deputy look a lot like mark mothersbaugh?
BEMaven> which one gets to stand on the mound now?
Ironf> Fire down it a couple of times with that shotgun oughta do it
Ironf> Is Mitch the 'Burly' of Burly Pines?
BEMaven> What's the bounty on a dirt mound?
BEMaven> Shoot the ants in the antenna. They're helpless without them.
Plumm> I love the smell of montage in the morning.
BEMaven> Does he know his bullhorn is broken?
Plumm> grass, pile on those montage riffs.
mgrasso> you will believe a chicken can be dragged by its talons
mgrasso> his bullhorn emits a lightrock station
Plumm> "The Streetbeater" is its name, I believe.
Colorbot> Burly Pines looks like a nice place to get a beer
BEMaven> Did they write this story on the back of a postcard?
Ironf> Umm did he just get off quick?
Plumm> Next time, Gadget. NEXT TIME!
mgrasso> i love how all the CGI ants are identical
Colorbot> Cool, peddle powered copter!
Plumm> US Marines Italian training mission.
BEMaven> Well, at least he got off quick.
BEMaven> And the ants do the wave.
Plumm> Aren't most helicopter pilots able to land when there's like two ants on their face?
mgrasso> why are the ants 6 inches long when they're on his face, anyway?
Plumm> So, this McGinleyesque Caroline in the City guy is like the poor retarded man's Leningen, is that it?
Colorbot> If they only had some melted chocolate they could make a fortune in france!
Bice> Over the hill, Indy is holding off snakes with a torch
Plumm> Jeez, who busted an Etch-a-Sketch on this print, anyway?
Ironf> Always like a woman to bring a shotgun to a flame-thrower fight
mgrasso> now all we need is that big ball from the prisoner to show up.
dungarees> This is the movie? The backdropsare less realistic than a douche commercial.
Plumm> These two are on the tampon wrangler triathalon.
dungarees> Filmed on location at the Silver Dollar City Baldknobbers ride.
Ironf> Pants, please don't talk about mitch's bald knob. he doesn't like that
mgrasso> martin tupper and rose mcgowan in.. deliverance 2: cruise control
BEMaven> Bet she's sorry she shot all those logs.
mgrasso> just what i wanted to see. wormy wrapped lovingly around a smooth log.
dungarees> Mmmm....mitchy goodness.
BEMaven> Dad, I led someone else to the killer mound. Is that okay?
dungarees> So they managed to get hung over while running away from ants via boat?
mgrasso> we now return to "lost treasure of dos..." i mean, "empire of killer the ants attack fire right yes hello."
dungarees> Murdoch's dead? Has someone told B.A.?
Ironf> Ahahah did you see the CGI reset?
dungarees> A game of Duck, Duck, Goose turns deadly.
Ironf> Manard's is having a closing sell tomorrow due to death of it's founder.
BEMaven> Now where will they find another town idiot
dungarees> Little National Disaster on the Prairie
Colorbot> Where's the Dukes of Hazzard when you need them?
mgrasso> "it's my baby rider!"
dungarees> Are they riding a lawn edger?
BEMaven> Only training wheels can save them now.
Ironf> Good thing he spent that 6 months at the Shriners Training Facility
Plumm> Uh-oh. She better turn into this guy's black daughter who's into gymnastics so she can kick the ants! It's their only hope!
Ironf> I can't stop my leg!
Plumm> that's odd, seing as you landed on your back.
dungarees> No one will remain seated during the three-legged race scene.
BEMaven> Did all the intelligent people evacuate early?
mgrasso> i really hope mitch is wearing underwear, 'cause from this view...*shiver*
dungarees> Did someone actually think that the ant's eye view cam was clever and a good idea?
BEMaven> They'll snuff 'em with orange crush.
dungarees> he's testing his Swedish penis pump at a rather inopportune time.
Plumm> I'm taking a goddam leak!
Plumm> And I will NOT "open up my tailgate" to "take your flagpole"!
Bice> Hurry, the stormtroopers almost have the door open...
Colorbot> I didn't think George of the Jungle 2 was signed yet
Plumm> The ants forcefed the kid roofies.
dungarees> I have no idea why Mitch did that,but I respect him all the more for it.
Bice> Driving wildly is the best way to rid yourself of insects.
dungarees> If Mitch backed up over someone - for example, the boy in the plastic bus - it might make ita ll worthwhile
BEMaven> They always drive like that in alaska.
Plumm> HOney, we're nearly out of crack. Pull in to that Amish village.
BEMaven> the fact the kid's still alive defies the laws of evolution.
dungarees> Girly Pines?
dungarees> Did he Really say Girly Pines?
Ironf> Burly Pines, Dung
dungarees> I like Girly Pines better.
Ironf> And we decieded that Mitch was the Burly in Burly pines
dungarees> Mitch IS Burly...yum.
mgrasso> oh no! not anchorage! will they get on a plane there and vector all over the planet?
Plumm> yes! Hexagonal wrenches! Boogie!
dungarees> Why can I NEVER find my Torx T-6 when I need it? Why can't we have nice things?
* Plumm always laughs at a "Why can't we have nice things?!" joke.
Bice> I think their commercial placements shows that they think we care more about these characters than we really do. Diagram that sentence.
BEMaven> This film is just blows. Someone run out and get me a life.
Plumm> How can that kid afford those infrared binoculars?
BEMaven> They're trolling for ants with the wormy guy.
Bice> What we need now is a little old fashion rock climbing.
Bice> Yeah, we really need smart-ass one-liners delivered to ants.
Ironf> I'm Cherokee Ant!
Plumm> When Loads Lose Their Footing!
Colorbot> I'll give him a 6
dungarees> Oh to see him julienned by that chopper...
BEMaven> That creepy kid will never make it in Barlett's Quotations.
Plumm> Want to know the secrets of the Inuit Ant Mound Explosions? Read the book.
Ironf> Mitch will now allow the masked pilot to reveal just how that copter was really flown
dungarees> Nice lavender plaid, manly man, it goes well with her electric mulberry hair.
BEMaven> They could play "how not to be seen".
BEMaven> Did he ever take off the groin harness?
Bice> So, we never find out if the ants died. And the door is left open for a sequel. AAARRRGGGHHH!
Colorbot> The new Love Boat has some competition now

"Hey, I'm in bugs, man..."
"First a moose... now a man?"
"One of them flesh-eatin' viruses?"
"He's a scientist. From Los Angeles."
"Disinfectant. I like them to suffer."
"Keep this thing revved up, we may need to get off quick."
"Pump faster!"
"MY LEG!!!"
"Hundreds of colonies have hooked up and they're headed this way!"
"My mom used to say being an entymologist would be boring."
"I'd like to stick around and test them out."


mgrasso is known to formicate frequently.