x211 THE BEAST: PART ONE OF TWO (02/24/99)

Directed by Jeff "Chris Reeve in a made-for-TV remake sounds faaaantastic" Bleckner
Written by Peter "I blew my load on Jaws" Benchley and J.B. "House of Frankenstein 1997" White
Produced by Peter Benchley, Julie "Ladykiller" Cohen, Michael R. "Atomic Train" Joyce, Judith Craig "Bingo!" Marlin, Tana "Ted" Nugent, and Dan "The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer" Wigutow

From "master" of sea horror, Peter Benchley, comes the NBC mini-series "The Beast." Benchley, best known for the fish movie "Jaws," continues trying to re-live the undeserving fame he garnered from that movie by using the same plot, but with different marine animals. In "The Beast," Benchley's monster du jour is a giant squid having family problems. The "story" takes place in a small New England costal community where fishing jobs, which the town was built on, are becoming scarce because some big shot ecologists says their fishing methods are killing other sea life. One late night, the ecologist is found killed behind a bar and it's up to vacationing detective Kay Howard to solve the mystery. Meanwhile, in another part of the town, a giant squid attacks some kids who were taunting it with Admiral Ackbar and Cthulhu jokes. This angers the already angry town who then solicits some angry high tech comic relief help from an angry, yet kooky, Japanese guy who agrees to lend them some fancy squid catching equipment in exchange for the squid, which will be used by Iron Chefs in the world's greatest squid battle. Part one ends with the capture of a big rubber decoy squid which turns out to be the "real" squid's kid.

TBeast03.JPG BEMaven> the gods look down and get seasick.
CutterEQ> Whoah...the boat comes with a 4.5 liter V-6 vibrator...
Ironf> Benchley, he's only 1/4 the writer Steve King is, and look how his stuff turns out
BEMaven> a leaky fuel pipe is a metaphor for sex?
Ironf> swing your arms, from side to side
BEMaven> the coast guard will never find them in that studio tank.
Balthayzr> "WHat's that tentacle?" "Oh, that's just a big rubber hose, with suction cups for easy storage."
CutterEQ> Not only did he go down he farted big time too.
Plumm> Wow, this movie is almost as scary as the pool at Waveland.
Bice> *Graves* point. Get it? It's *irony*!
Balthayzr> The Beast. You Will Believe a Squid can......well, just sit there and flop around, actually.
Bice> No, if you were a man we'd be drinkin' beer and scratchin' ourselves and stuff.
Balthayzr> Ah, the rough-and-tumble life of a professional Raft Recoverer.
THX-1138> My money's on a beast of some type.
Balthayzr> Guaranteed NOT the Jaws Theme, we promise!
Ironf> Requisite black guy number 2
BEMaven> it takes a special women to love a fisherman.
CutterEQ> Whoah....he's pimpin' fish!
Plumm> Mike! Don your formal Gorton's Yellow! We've ot company!
Bice> Fishing for toilet floats.
Plumm> Two snaps in a Z formation!
Bice> Frizzy. That's a technical fishing term.
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, the Crocodile Hunter shows up and wrestles the thing for no reason.
BEMaven> how did clint howard pass up a plum role like Lucas there?
Ironf> I think Sherrif Buck will have something to say about all this
CutterEQ> THe US Coast Guard Lesbian Pilot's here!
Balthayzr> Yes, nothing I like better than a mini-series that pads out it's plot with old soap-opera plots...
CutterEQ> "I can handle just about anything." How about me? TBeast04.JPG
Ironf> I bet she likes to dive.
* Ironf makes a lesbian joke
CutterEQ> THe boat developed a leak somehow. Could it maybe have been through a BIG HOLE?!
Balthayzr> "The tentacles are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!"
CutterEQ> And the HMS Sleaze sails on...
Balthayzr> "I think it may actually be part of an ancient Skill Crane."
BEMaven> "i'm almost positive it came from the sea." that would explain the fact that he found it in the ocean.
Balthayzr> The squid can toss holograms!
BEMaven> oh, no. they beamed the Enterprise under the waves.
Bice> The edge-of-your-seat something-almost-happened scene.
CutterEQ> And now the bottom-up cam...prelude to every surface-victim attack.
Ironf> my giant squid don't want none unless you got buns hun
BEMaven> does the giant squid realize how dangerous the currents are? i can't help but feel concerned.
Balthayzr> And the squid unties her top and swims away giggling.
Bice> If she could only hear the soundtrack, she'd realize her danger!
BEMaven> if the giant squid just likes to *watch* this is going to be a long movie.
THX-1138> Squid just wants her cause he smells fish.
Balthayzr> Hey, look! I got a dead Leonordo DeCaprio caught on the anchor! They makes good soup!
CutterEQ> And the squid proves his intelligence by attempting to escape the movie.
Balthayzr> Thrill as the squid has a tug-of-war with a rusty boat anchor!!
CutterEQ> So when do we get to see the Event Horizon?
THX-1138> You don't see the event horizon, it sees you.
BEMaven> children may be upset by the abuse of anchors in this movie.
Balthayzr> "You've uncovered a Plot Point! Good for you!"
Balthayzr> He captured Dr. Claw? Inspector Gadget's gonna be pissed.
BEMaven> "what the hell attacks a whale?" put out an APB for Japan.
BEMaven> "what do you think attacked that raft?" a greasy fisherman with a grudge maybe?
Balthayzr> I didn't know Nerf made SCUBA Gear.
Ironf> I shot him 6 TIMES!
Balthayzr> And they find The Little Mermaid, strung out on herion. TBeast05.JPG
Balthayzr> Not to make light of Breast Cancer, but how many middle-aged women do they thing are watching at this hour?
Ironf> The same amount that read Funky Winkerbean
BEMaven> in the studio, the composer engages in a life and death struggle to find a theme as catchy as 'jaws'.
BEMaven> if they'd changed the Caribbean's filter once and while, we could've seen a lot more detail.
Balthayzr> Aw. lets just get to the part where the mayor refuses to close the beaches....
BEMaven> "it's flesh is permeated with ammonia ions". it's carnivorous but neat.
CutterEQ> It's only natural enemy is the sperm whale...or is it whale sperm?
BEMaven> it has two whips? so it's a neat freak and kinky?
Balthayzr> Not George Cooley, but an almost not-quite incredible simulation!
BEMaven> yes, but when do we see *The Beast*? All we've seen so far is *The Squid*.
Balthayzr> At 4 hours, I think the film is the Beast.
THX-1138> It finds jokes about Admiral Ackbar unfunny.
Balthayzr> Should I be seeing some subtle anti-Catholic message here, since they're showing a killer-fish movie during Lent?
Balthayzr> Movie's Lesson: Being a New Englander is wrong. God will send evil giant sea life to punish you.
CutterEQ> We've got no right to kill it, it's no monster, it's just...misunderstood.
Balthayzr> "I can Blast the Beast out." That sounds naughty.
THX-1138> Ah, squid porn
Balthayzr> Next, on Dawson's Creek: A giant squid asks Dana out. Will she say yes???
BEMaven> "The Squid Guy". it's says so on his business card.
CutterEQ> The Beast: 90210.
BEMaven> oh, admit it. the giant squid is lost and too proud to ask for directions.
THX-1138> Hello man with non-descript european accent.
BEMaven> I think the Bobbing For Piranhas event is a big mistake.
THX-1138> Party? There are no stippers!
Balthayzr> I can see why they'd want to avoid dealing with the giant squid to attend this hoopla.
Balthayzr> "And now, Founder's Day concludes with the sacrifice of a city boy to our Squid God!"
Balthayzr> Buy the "Beast" soundtrack, now available on Death Row CDs and cassettes.
Ironf> 'Dr. Calimari's Closet', this is not
THX-1138> I have a giant squid in my pants, wink wink.
Balthayzr> Looks like someone mixed the "Hunting the Titanic" tapes with the "Beast" ones. TBeast06.JPG
BEMaven> sending the squid an invitation to Founder's Day was not a good move.
Balthayzr> Yes, Giant Squids are the natural enemies of Border Collies. And they say TV isn't educational.
BEMaven> he's just arrived at the party and the squid is already drunk.
THX-1138> Honey, I got us some drinks with date rape drugs.
Balthayzr> Catherine, you turn right around and let these people enjoy your nipples!
THX-1138> And thank god for the coast guard! Defending our coast from fish and whales!
BEMaven> don't take it personally, Lady. the french guy *wants* a man.
Balthayzr> See, Dan Quayle was doing his duty during Vietnam. He was keeping our beaches safe from Viet Kong Squid Commandoes.
BEMaven> if the dog says 'tentacle rape', i quit.
Balthayzr> "Hey, stop that! Quit humping my tentacles, you little shit!!"
CutterEQ> I dunno...I think this Beast thing is the daughter about to go through her period.
THX-1138> Ewww, dirty father/daughter "I'm a woman" talk.
Balthayzr> The movie sucked, but I understand the "Beast" toys sold well. Especially the phallic Squid Doll.
Ironf> especially since it was around 12.5 inches long balth
Balthayzr> Would a Giant Squid be known as a Master Bait?
CutterEQ> Hey, the guy's got Beast: the Game on his computer!
Balthayzr> "Anybody in the mood for jail bait? We got some in fresh!"
CutterEQ> And Sea World downsizes.
Balthayzr> So, giant squid attacks signal the beginning of the New England Mating Season?
CutterEQ> He was a good Elder God...why did he have to meet his end by a greasy redneck fisherman?
Balthayzr> "We gather here today to mourn Grabby the Squid. He was best known for his work as Johnathon's Understudy on the network version of 20,000 Leagues."
THX-1138> The Beastmaster is gonna be pissed
Balthayzr> That's the squid's problem? He hated bouys?
BEMaven> Thomas the Tug was in for big trouble.
Ironf> much like Gorgo, they brought the wrath of it's mother upon themselves
THX-1138> "One will come..." I bet it's the guy.
CutterEQ> I learned that Chthulu never gets a moment's peace on his Carnival Cruise vacations.
BEMaven> I learned that the currents are very dangerous around graves point...and damn little else. TBeast07.JPG

"I have a proposition for you."
"I can handle just about anything!"
"Hurry it up, hotshots!"
"Let's bring it in and go down for some more."
"..it killed a sperm whale."
"I can blast the Beast out."
"Look at the size of that thing!"


In this special MST:HG segment, we expose some of the failed sea animals Peter Benchley attempted to use for his, "sea animal attacks small town and small town fights back to win" plot.

puffer.jpg Puffer fish: In the aptly titled, incomplete manuscript, "Blowhard," a small east coast fishing town is threatened when a giant puffer fish, the product of evil government experiments, shows up and begins eating all the fish. The puffer fish not only gets larger in size due to the experiments, but also has an increased brain mass making it smarter. The fish's hyperintelligence allows it to elude capture from a hunting team formed after a town meeting until it accidentally bumps into sharp rock and pops itself.

seahorse.jpg Sea horse: In Benchley's, "Poseidon," a northeastern clam town finds itself in danger by a giant, prehistoric, male sea horse, released into the open seas after a government dam building project opens the lake in which it had been trapped. Its need to randomly destroy fishing boats causes problems for the small fishing town it has decided to make home. In the end, the town has a meeting and the seahorse dies after a plucky youngster forces it to eat a modified M-80, but not before it releases a bunch of baby sea horses, ensuring direct to video sequels.

Starfish: "Astra," is the story about a comet from space that crashes into the Monterey Bay Aquarium and ends up turning a starfish into a giant, multi-armed killing machine. When it devours millions of clams and threatens the livelihood of a small clam catching California town, a town meeting is called and a citizen's army is formed to battle it. Using the red tide to their advantage, the town's denizens feed the starfish poisoned shellfish and kill it.seastar.jpg

Sea cow: "They Call Me Manatee" is the touching story of a sea cow gone mad in the Florida Keys. Pissed off from seeing too many friends and family getting run over by motor boats, this mutant sea cow who has telekinetic powers decides to strike back. Using its mental powers, the sea cow causes hundreds of boats to explode, threatening the lifestyle of a small fishing town. Angry, the town has a meeting and recruits the help of an ex-Navy SEAL/CIA Agent who has since created a secret home within the city limits for mutants, remote viewers, and other castaways from Project: Grillflame. Lots of constipated looks lead to the destruction of the manatee and all is once again happy. seacow.jpg

CRAPPY TRIVIA: The mechanical squid in this movie was affectionately called "Lee."

THX-1138 drinks 1 fresh cup of squid ink each morning.