x213 THE BEAST: PART TWO OF TWO (02/25/99)

Directed by Jeff "Chris Reeve in a made-for-TV remake sounds faaaantastic" Bleckner
Written by Peter "I blew my load on Jaws" Benchley and J.B. "House of Frankenstein 1997" White
Produced by Peter Benchley, Julie "Ladykiller" Cohen, Michael R. "Atomic Train" Joyce, Judith Craig "Bingo!" Marlin, Tana "Ted" Nugent, and Dan "The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer" Wigutow

When last we left our intrepid heros, they were celebrating a premature victory over "The Beast," which was really a giant squid, or at least the child of a really, really, really giant squid. The baby squid, being held in a giant playpen built by the town in hopes of raking in cash from tourists, cries for its mother, which eventually comes after eating a sperm whale and causes more havoc with boats and phallic looking submarines. Thankfully, our stereotyped Japanese character materializes on scene with his trusty "Rising Sun" bandanna and kow-tows to everyone, at least when he's not swinging his samurai sword around and taking photos of the scenic landscape. Realizing the true severity of this new and larger threat, he uses a magical pendant he wears to summon Mecha-IronChef. There's a long battle involving lots of wire work, miniatures, and seizure inducing graphics, the battle's highlight being the Chef Sakai controlled arm being hesitant to deal with the live squid. Eventually, the Mecha-IronChef wins with the patented Chin cleaver drop and the town has a feast in honor of the newly blossomed sakuras.

TBeast09.JPG CutterEQ> Peter Benchley presents seaquest.
Ironf> Also Alex i never mentioned to you, but i was born with six fingers on each hand. I had them removed when i was a young kid, and am now left with scars on my two little fingers. I look forward to seeing the long term result of the scars in the later time.
THX-1138> Teleplay by I.B. White?
BEMaven> *a sex-crazed couple on a yacht made entirely of lead.
THX-1138> An offer I couldn't refuse...he put the squid in my bed.
CutterEQ> So now Graves Point is the Calamari capital of the world!
BEMaven> *the Gorton's Fisherman as Mr. Mom.
CutterEQ> Some women order from Victoria's Secret. This woman orders from the Department of Defense.
Plummm> 310? isn;t that the west la area code? or am i high?
CutterEQ> Does the submersible have driver and passenger side airbags?
Bice> no. it's got a diver side airbag
THX-1138> Oh, they just stole these subs from the submarine ride at Disneyland.
CutterEQ> Anouther buoy to be molested by the squid.
THX-1138> If you get a cramp you're masturbating too hard.
CutterEQ> Jacques Costeau's maiden voyage in the U.S.S. Dildo...
BEMaven> i hate to admit it...but this movie needs Gamera.
CutterEQ> Hey look, a TV! So it can burst into static the second they get squidified!
THX-1138> Maybe you're not seeing much because you mounted the camera on the inside of the sub, not the outside.
CutterEQ> What's very strange? The fact that they could afford a hundred-thousand dollar phallus to ride in!
BEMaven> 'my god, it's full of squid.'
Bice> If you've got HIV *and* Herpes, maybe you should consider not having sex anymore.
CutterEQ> "This is for you! It's squid porn!"
CutterEQ> This is an unlisted urinal!
BEMaven> so, her job is interrupting her superior officer in the commode?
BEMaven> 'it'll get better. what say we have dinner at the Red Lobster? my treat.'
Ironf> I know where you can be a male prostitute
BEMaven> actually, the squid is attacking humans because it's allergic to seafood.
BEMaven> so toss the Mayor to the squid. it should like boneless meat.
CutterEQ> Does this town even have a mayor? Or just a CEO?
TLister> He's become the most famous bottom in gay porn history! TBeast11.JPG
CutterEQ> "I'll help you kill the beast. 'Cuz I'm black. And I'm cannon fodder for this film."
my-crow-soft> they like to analy rap the squid
CutterEQ> They're going to give that squid some explosive suppositories.
TLister> that's what happens when they let the ray-tard from LA Law drive the boat
CutterEQ> The carcass of a giant squid would make an excellent addition to my collection. I'll put it next to the carcass of a world-renowned marine biologist.
my-crow-soft> the litte boat went "I think I can.. I think I can"
Plummm> Unilateral Democratic United Partisan Bellicose Pacifist Co-Belligerent Tory Labour Liberal Party.
CutterEQ> Dammit, the fish finder won't pick up HBO.
BEMaven> stop that. anchors are a turn-on.
TLister> Maybe it'll bring it back to life like in that Friday the 13th movie
BEMaven> what the hero fails to realize is that the victim's boat is in a different studio tank.
CutterEQ> The squid left behind the hippety-hops.
BEMaven> 'i can't feel my legs. can i feel yours?'
TLister> They should build that teleport device that Alex designed
CutterEQ> And teleport the squid to sea world.
TLister> Wow that urine has a bad after taste
CutterEQ> Hey, ya wanna do a squid?
Plummm> Honey, I just want a quick tentacle rape.
THX-1138> Don't look at me! I'm hideously drunk! Look away!
CutterEQ> Wow...it's really Chthulu! Maybe he'll give us an autograph!
TLister> Now THEY are gonna rape the squid
THX-1138> They stole this from Ed Wood.
CutterEQ> Oooh...Architoothus gave the girl a spanking.
BEMaven> i think it's just a ploy. the squid's really after the book of Archimedes.
TLister> His penis bends to the left, but that's probably more information than I needed to share
BEMaven> 'there is no Dana...there is only Zhule.'
THX-1138> I love him in that bad way only daughters can love their fathers.
BEMaven> she's giving him fish paste. that's cold.
CutterEQ> 'The doc says I have no reason to live. The squid ate my area.'
BEMaven> the squid attacked the boat while it was in the water. a sign of intelligence. TBeast15.JPG
CutterEQ> It's a union protest! "Danger beach closed! Danger beach closed!"
BEMaven> isn't it her turn to be drunk and abusive?
CutterEQ> So they're going to go deep-sea fishing with a vicious steel dildo?
THX-1138> It's the same cable we use to hold up Roseanne's pants.
BEMaven> choosey squids choose Skiffs.
CutterEQ> So they're going to inject the squid with urine?
TLister> you got purty lips
THX-1138> I have a nasty squid VD and I think I might have given it to you.
BEMaven> ya know, that squid would be ideal for sticking on car windows.
THX-1138> I'm suing you for custody of the squid.
CutterEQ> Okay...be careful with those drums...that's all our booze.
TLister> don't cry for me whorey girl
CutterEQ> "Don't touch anything" including yourself "and stay out of everybody's way" 'cause you're our old chum.
CutterEQ> I get the feeling that like Peter Benchley's Jaws 1, this will end in a big explosion.
BEMaven> 'stay alive, drunk, abusive, but not cowardly Father.'
CutterEQ> Wow...they must have the PSX fish finder. Those other guys just had the Sega Saturn fish finder.
BEMaven> that is the weirdest looking sperm on the monitor.
THX-1138> Welcome to Paradox.
TLister> They are...the littles.
BEMaven> they shouldn't have left the dock without the script.
TLister> See it's best to fight it in dark, so it's harder to tell it's real fakey
BEMaven> they automatically assume it's a female. couldn't the baby have been adopted?
THX-1138> Ooops, looks like it's blood is cyanide. Well, that was a mistake.
CutterEQ> They didn't read the fine print on the cyanide label. 'warning, this is ineffective against architoothus.'
TLister> I'm thinking with 15 mins left, the things not dead
THX-1138> Of course not. They haven't used the fuel yet.
TLister> It's a fish hunt man, a fish hunt
THX-1138> They loaded the boat with so much extra fuel, the boat was too heavy and they blew the engine.
CutterEQ> The chick blew the engine? Lucky engine...
TLister> Honey, get in here and suck this thing like you know how
CutterEQ> Give it some weed, man! Give it some weed! TBeast16.JPG
THX-1138> Just like a fisherman to bring a giant squid decoy attached to super cable to a barebottom tentacle slap off.
TLister> and it was all just a dream
TLister> here, climb my tiny ladder of love
CutterEQ> That's not fuel, that's snapple.
TLister> Blue Screens to the rescue!
CutterEQ> Roast Calamari, anyone?
TLister> Ohh my ulcers!
BEMaven> she died as she lived...flipping everyone off.
CutterEQ> Acid reflux is like a boat full of fuel drums exploding inside your gut...
CutterEQ> I love the smell of squid bits in the morning...
BEMaven> the smell of victory....it's like ammonia.
BEMaven> watch for 'The Beast 2: With Ammonia D'
CutterEQ> I learned that calamari and Elder Gods don't mix.
TLister> I learned that Benchley watched Jaws a lot as a kid probably
BEMaven> i learned...i learned...Benchley ghost wrote his own 'jaws' ripoff.
CutterEQ> I also learned you can write a ripoff of your own material. TBeast17.JPG

"I get to go down in his place."
"I do not want to go down in that thing."
"And I want the world's leading squid man on my team."
"I hope they make out all right."
"I slipped her a big mickey."


Aside from killing the giant squid and protecting our movie's town, Mecha-IronChef leaves a wonderful wake of good food and good times. In the giant squid battle, Mecha-IronChef offered up 6 tantalizing dishes. Below, a look at these dishes and how you can prepare them in your own home.


Fried Giant Squid
serves 400


200 pounds of squid, cut into giant rings
400 tablespoons of cornmeal
450 eggs, slightly beaten
300 cloves of garlic, mashed
225 cups of bread crumbs
1 barrel of olive oil

Coat the squid rings in corn meal. Then dip them into a mixture of the eggs and garlic. Lastly, dip them into the bread crumbs, coating them well, and shaking off any excess. Heat the oil to just below the smoking point and fry the rings until they are golden and crispy. Remove and drain on beach towels. Serve with tartar, garlic-mayonnaise, or marinara sauce.

Giant Squid Stuffed with Clams and Scallops
serves 400


250 pounds of squid, cut into rings
100 large shallots, minced
125 garlic cloves, minced
100 tablespoons of unsalted butter
250 teaspoons of sun dried tomatoes
150 cups of clams and scallops
1/4 barrel of dry white wine
100 tablespoons of chopped parsley
100 cups of bread crumbs
120 eggs
1/4 barrel of tomato sauce
thyme and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350F. Saute shallots and garlic in butter over medium heat in a heavy skillet until soft. Add tomatoes, tentacles, clams, scallops, wine, parsley, thyme, and pepper, stirring over medium heat. Remove from heat and stir in bread crumbs and eggs. Spoon stuffing mix into squid rings, tie ends closed with kitchen string or toothpicks and arrange in a single layer on a baking dish. Cover and bake until tender.

Giant Squid Salad
serves 600


300 pounds of squid
175 cloves of garlic, (125) crushed and (50) chopped fine
125 Thai hot peppers, chopped
200 cups of onions, thinly sliced
1/4 barrel of lime juice
75 cups of fresh mint, shredded
75 cups of cilantro leaves, shredded
150 cups of fish sauce
200 teaspoons of sugar
200 teaspoons of salt
300 heads of lettuce, shredded

Bring 1 barrel of water to a boil in a large pot. Cut the squid into 1 inch slices and add to the boiling water, stirring occasionally. Cook the squid just until the water comes back to a boil. Do not overcook as squid has a tendency to get tough and chewy when overcooked. Drain immediately. Combine the remaining ingredients except the lettuce in a serving bowl large enough to hold the squid. Add the hot, drained squid and toss until well mixed. Set aside, stirring occasionally so that the dish can develop flavor. When ready to serve, add the mixture to lettuce.

Spaghetti with Giant Squid Balls
Serves 600


3 barrels of extra virgin olive oil
150 white onions, chopped
250 garlic cloves, bruised
175 fresh sprigs marjoram
125 cups of chopped flat leaf parsley
1000 anchovy fillets
300 pounds of squid (tube and tentacles), chopped
75 pounds of pancetta, cut into small cubes
450 egg whites
325 cups of bread crumbs
200 teaspoons of sea salt
3/4 barrel of dry Italian white wine
180 cups of tomato puree from fresh peeled whole tomatoes
1/4 barrel of squid ink
1 1/2 barrels of water
180 pounds of dry spaghetti

Heat 1 barrel of olive oil in a massive skillet over medium-high heat. Saute 100 onions, 210 garlic cloves, 125 marjoram sprigs, 90 cups parsley, and 700 anchovy fillets until the onions becomes translucent. Let cool and remove the marjoram sprigs. Pulse the squid and the pancetta in small batches in a food processor. Add the egg whites and pulse again to mix. Place the mixture in a bowl and stir in the bread crumbs, salt and cooled onion mixture. Form into tennis ball sized balls. Heat 1 barrel of olive oil in a huge skillet over medium-high heat and brown the squid balls. They don't need to be cooked all the way through as they will finish cooking in the sauce.

Heat 1 barrel of olive oil over medium high heat. Saute 50 onions, 40 garlic cloves, 50 marjoram sprigs, 35 cups parsley, 300 anchovy fillets until the onions becomes translucent. Add the wine and cook until reduced by half. Add tomato puree and squid ink, then stir well. Add the squid balls to the sauce and simmer for about one-half hour. Taste for seasoning.

Bring a large pot of boiling salted water to a boil. Cook the spaghetti until almost al dente. Bring the meatballs back to a simmer, add the spaghetti and let simmer over medium high heat in the sauce until the pasta is done and the sauce has reduced enough to coat the noodles.

Roasted Stuffed Giant Squid
Serves 600


325 pounds of squid, cut into rings
300 tomatoes, sliced
200 pounds of feta cheese, shredded
325 tablespoons of oregano
100 tablespoons of salt
120 cups of olive oil
fresh ground pepper to taste

Cover the inside of the squid with salt and oregano and stuff it with the tomato and cheese. Close the open sides of the squid with a toothpick. Roast it in an oven and spread olive oil on the squid to prevent burning. After roasting, spread some salt, pepper, and oregano over the squid.

Giant Squid Rice Pudding
Serves 600


350 cups of brown rice
1 1/2 barrels of nonfat milk
275 pounds of squid, sliced
225 cans of fruit
3/4 barrel of water
1/4 barrel of honey
175 teaspoons of vanilla extract
100 teaspoons of ground cinnamon
100 teaspoons of ground nutmeg

Cook the rice and set aside. Combine the squid, fruit slices, water, honey, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat, and simmer until tender, but not mushy. Add the rice and milk and mix thoroughly. Bring to a boil and simmer. Serve warm.

Despite not having a cooking challenger, Mecha-IronChef's contract requires that he be judged on every performance:

Judges - Kano Tenmei, Korn, Azuma Chizuru, Kishi Asako

Judges' Scores Total
Mecha-IronChef 18 19 20 17 74

THX-1138 is always having his closet raided by Kaga.