x281 BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (07/14/99)
with short POPULAR SCIENCE J-5-4

Written by Ray "I usually write better than this" Bradbury
Directed by Eugène "You can tell I'm European from the weird-ass e's in my name" Lourié
Stop-action animation by Ray "the Great One" Harryhausen

Our short gives us the miracles of 1930s American ingenuity: i.e., "earthquake-proof" buildings, Lileks-esque foodstuffs and pudgy swimsuit models with helmet-hair. In the main feature, Ray Bradbury emerges from his thousand-year sleep at the North Pole to go toe-to-toe with the Deadly Mantis in a fight to the death. After dispatching Zorak, the Beast of Yucca Flats eases on down the coast to Acadia, where he battles Les Assassins des Fauteuils Rollents and barely gets away without being impaled on a railroad spike. Then, the 20,000 Fathoms Victory Tour comes to New York, with a sold-out show at Coney Island. Unfortunately, the Beach Boys and Tiffany are upset at being listed below "PUPPET SHOW" on the marquee and mount an attack on the Beast. Watch for Lee Van Cleef as a young Lee Harvey Oswald.

Mellie> it's a short!
mgrasso> yes!
mgrasso> here, the world's first 564-layer cake.
Mellie> and the credits were filmed in foil iciclevision!
Mellie> the world's first "personal massage" device.
mgrasso> and this man has *never* known the touch of a woman *narrator*
Mellie> see! ::cackles:: look at that jiggle.
mgrasso> "i wanted to be a mason, but you wouldn't let me in, you black-balling bastards!"
Mellie> actually, maybe it's just the innerworkings of a dashboard hula girl.
Ironf> He forgot to put the fringes on it
mgrasso> yey! the kitchen!
mgrasso> think she's squishy?
Mellie> i don't think the stoic 50s undergarments will let her be squishy.
thayer> ah, the wonders of the modern kitchen
mgrasso> triangular bacon and round eggs!
mgrasso> confound nature at every turn!
Ironf> Euclid eats his breakfast. What drama.
Mellie> she's making egg mcmuffins!
thayer> it's breakfast, and yet it's dark outside
mgrasso> pippi longstocking makes flapjacks.
Ironf> Breakfast at Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
Mellie> they were so fascinated with complicated cooking devices back then.
mgrasso> "flapjack fanciers"
mgrasso> here, men perfect their OCD.
mgrasso> ah, that looks like benjamin franklin's power cell for the revolutionary vibrator.
mgrasso> clara bow is being sliced into thin slices!
Mellie> "most penetrating medium known to man..." he's making porn!
mgrasso> we're now going to irradiate her womanly parts.
Ironf> "Shapely young nymph"
Rolaid> Proof that the government is full of perverts
mgrasso> i liked her better with flesh. call me crazy.
Ironf> I'm dead now, please don't floroscope.
Cthulhu> Ahhhhhh..... Shucks.... he turned the x-rays up too high.
Mellie> hey, if the x-rays can penetrate anything, why did she have to wear a swimsuit?
Rolaid> Yes, this is Eisenhower's america!
thayer> well that was certainly educational.
mgrasso> just ignore those tumors erupting on our pretty model's face!

Cthulhu> I read the story this movie was based upon... all it was about was a dinosaur making out with a light house.
Mellie> did he get very far?
Cthulhu> Not really.
mgrasso> paul christian... i think he was in "reptilicus"
BEMaven1> BTW, 20,000 Fathoms = 120,000 feet
mgrasso> tidy-bol... the movie.
BEMaven1> The Beast From Liquid Plumber?
ReaperG> And don't forget, some Japanese filmmakers saw this and decided to make their own dinosaur movie... you know the rest
Mellie> lee van cleef!
ReaperG> Lee Van Cleef and Steve Brodie, this will be fun
mgrasso> "suggested by" ray bradbury.
Mellie> and the michael fox that forced the 80s version to add a j. stellar.
mgrasso> maurice de PAGH, the only klingon actor not to be blacklisted.
ReaperG> David Buttolph?
Mellie> "hey buttloaf!"
mgrasso> "operation.... experiment?"
thayer> 'operation experiment' are we sure this wasn't translated from japanese?
mgrasso> x-day?
mgrasso> where are the saucers?
Trademark> D-Day was already taken...
Ironf> People liked to use "X" back then alot.
BEMaven1> Operation Hypothesis was some guy dropping an M80.
Rolaid> Ator?
ReaperG> You know, TriStar didn't do a very good Godzilla movie, but they did a great remake of this one
mgrasso> ninjas of the north.
BEMaven1> the Deadly Military Liason
Cthulhu> The script...isn't ready.
Trademark> S-Second minus 2048...
Mellie> add a ceramic frog and we've got isabel allende sign.
ReaperG> They're in Hell after the Eagles reunion
mgrasso> i get the creeping suspicion we're going to have to wait about an hour for a monster, guys.
Ironf> It's not Marvel, is it Grasso?
mgrasso> well, no. but still.
Mellie> nah. we've already got the mushroom cloud.
BEMaven1> Nan-Nuked Of the North.
ReaperG> The biggest snowball fight of all
thayer> santa gave him a barbie for xmas, and now he's getting his revenge.
Mellie> and great herds of powdered sugar migrated from the north..
BEMaven1> gah. they blew up Santa's Workshop!
ReaperG> A foreign object? Did the ref see it?
Cthulhu> God Damn foreigners... why can't we have good old American objects!
mgrasso> they cut that guy open and sleep inside him when the winter hits.
Ironf> So, Hal Sparks had a movie career before the Soup.
BEMaven1> 'i don't know, sir... perhaps we need... RADAR
ReaperG> And the fallout spreads all over the globe, everyone dies, the end
mgrasso> i'm convinced that guy was in reptilicus.
Mellie> and now .. a fashion don't.
Trademark> Richie is wearing a comfortable flannel shirt, just $85 from J. Crew...
BEMaven1> his name is Nesbit and he has a French accent?
BEMaven1> Operation Experiment would have failed without The Equipment.
Trademark> This is the government base where new oil additives are tested.
mgrasso> what do you call three canadians copulating on a snowmobile? [/pemulis]
Cthulhu> Mmmmm... BBQ-ed Polar Bear.
Rolaid> All this, just to make it to Green Bay?
ReaperG> "This is the perfect place for our snow fort"
Cthulhu> Ahhhhh... The geiger counter... standard issue for B monster movies since 1951.
BEMaven1> it's all packed. why didn't we use Confectioners Sugar.
Mellie> what an inconvenient payphone
mgrasso> he's got viewmaster reels tucked away for winter!
BEMaven1> any mail in the box?
mgrasso> and we have monster!
Ironf> Early monster sign
mgrasso> he emits dry ice.
Mellie> i wish i had fur oven mitts like that guy.
Trademark> You know... if the whole movie is in stop motion, I won't care.
Cthulhu> Here Trotsky...Here Trotsky....
mgrasso> hey! get off the roof of the fortress of solitude!
Cthulhu> Gawngi! NO!!!!!!
mgrasso> hah!
Trademark> Long scream for such a short drop..
mgrasso> can i get a plop from the congregation?
Ironf> plop
Ironf> not bluescreened prospective at all, AT ALL
ReaperG> I guess dinosaurs were warm-blooded after all
Cthulhu> Then the wampas come and eat him... The End.
BEMaven1> he's standing by that box like he's waiting for a hooker.
ReaperG> Pretty rough day in the Land of Dairy Queen
Ironf> I fell off a bad chunk of plot. Help me man.
Mellie> here, let my gentle touch soothe you..
mgrasso> yes folks, we are not spared a moment of ice climbing.
Ironf> I heard this is what inspired them to make that Imax movie about ice climbing.
ReaperG> Meanwhile, it's about 90 degrees in that soundstage and they're wearing winter coats
Ironf> it's been on for 10 mins, but nothings happened expect this guy fell down and went boom
Mellie> he shot ol' yeller!
Robert> And a marathon breaks out.
BEMaven1> i don't think a warning shot is going to scare away an avalanche.
Ironf> Only Bing Crosby can save those men now.
mgrasso> give me 100 ccs of brylcreem, stat!
Mellie> they should put him in a swimsuit and pump him full of x-rays.
Cthulhu> Meahwhile in Gary, Indiana.
ReaperG> Bob Hartley Mental Hospital
Trademark> So all letterhead in the 50s was identical?
thayer> wow, he writes fast
mgrasso> a little bit of the undercrank longhand method, methinks.
ReaperG> "I feel like a rhedosaurus tried to step on me"
BEMaven1> oh, he's Nesbitt with 2 ts. that explains the French accent.
Robert> His Craftmatic adjustable bed saved his life.
Mellie> *and* he got a free pierre cardin radio!
Ironf> I'm a scientist you wormy, wormy little man. Don't make me crush you.
Cthulhu> o/~ Under pressure.... Pressure... o/~
mgrasso> hello, i'm colonel gay!
BEMaven1> 'you mean i wasn't struck on the head by a Charlie-In-The-Box?'
BEMaven1> who did they lose again during Operation Experiment? Major Load?
Trademark> Would you like to see your new baby now?
mgrasso> man, next time i see a lloigor, i'm MAKING my SAN check.
Cthulhu> Lost cause... we'll be lobotomizing him tomorrow.
Robert> Even in the pouring rain, he smokes his pipe.
mgrasso> yes, trust the gorton's fisherman.
mgrasso> and his wife, bruce.
Cthulhu> GOJRIA!!!!
ReaperG> TV's Frank!
mgrasso> lousy balsa wood sets.
ReaperG> o/~ the dino started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed o/~
mgrasso> the caption right now? [RARR]
Cthulhu> It's just a pool toy to him.
Robert> Rubber Reptile Rule No. 14: Rubber reptiles do not displace water.
BEMaven1> and the Hush Puppy harvest is left unfished.
thayer> ha ha. silly woman. can't understand anything but the comics.
mgrasso> here, we made this bacon and eggs using the latest geometrical technology!
Ironf> Is he suppossed to be swave with that accent or what?
TServo4> right where it belongs
Cthulhu> Remember how you ran away and I got one me knees to beg you not to leave because I'd go berserk?
mgrasso> here's your sedative... er, i mean orange juice!
Mellie> hospitals back then were so classy. not a flash of ass anywhere!
mgrasso> where's lee van cleef?
mgrasso> was he the nurse?
mgrasso> generic university.
thayer> ah, no monster movie is complete without a paleontologist
Ironf> Nice "sciencey" stuff in the background
Mellie> why aren't professers ever named billy-bob thursmond?
ReaperG> Mellie, there are, but they live in Arkansas and they hunt Boggy Creek critters
BEMaven1> did he eat that whole Mammoth?
Mellie> he's got a very george hamilton vibe
Mellie> "oh, don't mind me. i'm the token girl."
Ironf> Boy, I have a book about this in the basement, let's go down, down, down there and get it.
Trademark> Winter, millenia, what's the difference?
mgrasso> framing, folks. good framing.
BEMaven1> crazy eyes, crazy hands. he's French allright.
Ironf> Did he just say it sat around and ate itself?
ReaperG> Tasted like chicken
thayer> they ate the mammoths?
Cthulhu> The only thing they lacked was KC Masterpiece.
TServo4> she ate the meat?!
Robert> His hairpiece is made of that fur.
thayer> it took her all week to memorize that line
Mellie> she stole bugs bunny's pinting frock. how rude.
Ironf> Now, a little sumphan for the ladies
Mellie> bit of chest for the ladies..
mgrasso> martin mull as the doctor.
ReaperG> Art Bell: The Early Years
BEMaven1> this is before HMO. stay in the hospital all you want.
Trademark> Virginia Gold?
Ironf> Because you've come a long way saily.
Robert> "oh, I was just waiting for you to denigrate me."
Cthulhu> Mary Poppins PH.D.
Mellie> "oh yes! the chick with learnin'.. 'sup, pretty thang?"
BEMaven1> 'i thought i told you to just let in pretty boys.'
Ironf> I think Van Cleef did voice over for the beast.
Mellie> wow. then lee's great at saying, "rarr."
BEMaven1> heyyyy, Zorro looks kinda foxy. oh, wait.
mgrasso> that is one complicated hat.
Cthulhu> Any distingishing scars or scales?
mgrasso> ward and june hunt dinosaurs.
Ironf> And now, an artists rendering of the monster because our cameras were not allowed into the courtroom
Robert> He stole the lamp from his hospital room and brought it home.
Mellie> "look, honey, why don't you just slip out of those clothes, put on a swimsuit, and i pump you full of radiation, eh?"
BEMaven1> of course, you didn't know there were so many dinosaurs. you're just a man.
Ironf> Have a cigarette. The radio said they are good for calming your nerves and giving you a little pick-me-up. My doctor recommended them to me for my upcoming pregnancy.
Cthulhu> Come on... you and me on the floor... NOW!
BEMaven1> boy, is that guy's hair clenched.
ReaperG> my, I mean, not with you, of course, but sex is always a great idea
Mellie> he should show her his penetrating ray.
Pinwiz> And so, the Beast Wars prototypes are shown to focus groups
BEMaven1> yep. he's French. i heard him mutter 'fellatio'.
Mellie> hey, are those her mail artschool sketches?
Mellie> "how about this pirate turtle?"
mgrasso> mellie: she drew turty the turtle perfectly, so... onto the dinos.
BEMaven1> 'this picture is much more like it... except the dinosaur wasn't on a bicycle.'
Cthulhu> Oh great... we're going to Canada!
Robert> 244-771. That's almost a phone number down the street.
ReaperG> Stupid Canadians, with their stupid unfrozen dinosaurs
BEMaven1> 'hello. Canada. get me the French part. hello, French guys. get me that loon sailor.'
ReaperG> "Parlez vous francais, stupid American"
Mellie> un saffron du merde!
ReaperG> "Captain, what's the deal with Jerry Lewis and hairy women?"
Robert> "if you'd like to make a call, please dial 'un' ... "
Pinwiz> Wow, Canada's phone operator's nosy
ReaperG> Should've dialed 10-10-321
BEMaven1> 'i'm sorry. but as the phone operator of all of Canada, i must ask you to stop annoying our citizens.'
Robert> "I tried to tell him that many older people suffer some sea serpent incidents at some point ..."
Cthulhu> I can't tell you, since we Canadians are so much better than you Americans what with you lack of draconian gun control and socialized medicine!
Pinwiz> William Conrad and Christopher Reeves in "Love Letters"
mgrasso> pretty bad when the american sounds more quebecois than the canadian.
mgrasso> sister wendy!
mgrasso> that little sex-obsessed troll!
Mellie> oh, man, i'm having high school flashbacks
BEMaven1> he's gone to Yokohama with 'fifteen dollah.'
Robert> It's a Cavalcade of Accents!
Mellie> maybe lee van cleef is the nun.
Pinwiz> Why is he visiting the Mardwyn Undead?
mgrasso> this guy's from brooklyn and sault ste marie.
thayer> he wants you to come away with him
mgrasso> "he asked me he asked me!"
mgrasso> whoa!
mgrasso> lapels!
mgrasso> i didn't think they got that wide until '73 or so.
Ironf> So it's the 1870s
ReaperG> Huggy Bear only wished he had lapels like that
Robert> I don't wanna hear him talking about "joy of anticipation"
BEMaven1> she knows about his lapel fetish, the cunning minx.
mgrasso> he's got alan wu glasses!
Trademark> I've got a mental patient here to back up my story,..
thayer> the earth is round? what a great scientist he is!
Cthulhu> So you dragged him all the way from Canada to do what?
BEMaven1> 'ha. ha. you have to be a fey coke-crazed Frog to buy that story... oh, sorry, didn't see you.'
Robert> The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms provided this signed affidavit ... please follow along.
BEMaven1> 'that's the dinosaur... except it was wearing a ski mask.'
Robert> "that's the one I picked!" Good, give it away two seconds in.
ReaperG> Gary Busey?
mgrasso> busey's teeth are bigger.
Mellie> monsters are always so old.. how can they even rampage? i bet they whine about their achy hips and delicate digestion.
Ironf> It's said that Busey's teeth are actually what we live on and they are carried about the unverse on the back of a giant turtle
mgrasso> heavy, ironf.
Robert> See the buildings? Outside? They're in New York City.
BEMaven1> (raucous laughter throughout the Pentagon)
mgrasso> uh oh, he's going to get a visit from the mib's.
Mellie> that old guy.. reminds me of something.. but what? i need a ref spot!
mgrasso> um, wilhelm from seinfeld?
Pinwiz> Capt. Kangaroo?
Pinwiz> No, Mr. Hooper
Mellie> lol! yes! that's it! mr hooper.
mgrasso> ah, fresh 'frop.
Ironf> He doesn't look a thing like John Ritter.
Mellie> captain and tenille.. the early years.
mgrasso> and now, ladies and gents, hot seamen. yes, hot seamen sprayed all across your screen.
Trademark> o/~ Sailor's got a squeezebox, cap/n never sleeps at night! o/~
mgrasso> is this where he humps the lighthouse?
Ironf> We're about to delve into the private life of one dino, aren't we.
mgrasso> "hey baby, come here often?"
Mellie> and now we see the inspiration for "american pie."
mgrasso> that's not how you give a hickey!
Pinwiz> I don't remember this from HMS Pinnafore...
mgrasso> so much for marketing realdolls for dinosaurs.
mgrasso> "was it good for you?"
BEMaven1> monster: 'smoke?'
mgrasso> by the way, lee van cleef played the lighthouse.
Mellie> look at how he's flaunting those stripes!
mgrasso> meanwhile, at the opera, the soprano is an allosaurus.
thayer> meanwhile, in a different movie...
Cthulhu> So this is the Rockey Horror Picture Show.
mgrasso> backdrops by dali.
Mellie> the note said her neckline was indecent.
Ironf> He looks like he was asked to a concert and just found out that it was a woman that asked him and she was gonne be there with her parents or something
mgrasso> what the fuck was that?
mgrasso> an opera interlude?
thayer> no movie is complete without random ballet
Robert> mike: "culture."
mgrasso> and it served what narrative purpose?
Mellie> mike: "filler"
Trademark> The set dressers finished the offices in about twenty minutes, but being union they needed something else to do...
Mellie> "and you can see here, we just sail across this ten mile wide pond to india, where we get the spices.."
Cthulhu> But let's get back to those giant ants I keep talking about.
Robert> yeah yeah, blah blah, loss to science ... kill the freak.
BEMaven1> 'how do you propose to capture it?' --'i'll dress up as a sexy lighthouse.'
mgrasso> just use rodeo stars to capture it alive!
mgrasso> and feed it MIDGETS
Robert> Hey Mike ... I think the professor looks like a tall MIDGET.
mgrasso> maybe he'll be flailing from the dino's mouth at some point then.
Pinwiz> Peter Benchley's "Gila"
Robert> Prepare to dive into the blue screen.
Trademark> This is not a set! This is a real, grungy ship!
Cthulhu> Hear this... Cpl Klinger's fashion show will start in the swamp in 15 munutes.... that is all.
BEMaven1> that's pretty short for a lighthouse back there. does the Creature like them young?
mgrasso> he's meat.
Odie> It's made out of cardboard! Those fools!
Pinwiz> Gilligan forgot to tie it to the boat
thayer> 'heh heh. now we won't have to worry about anymore of their pesky 'science' talk'
Trademark> Now they can whip out the nude playing cards and get down to some serious gambling...
Ironf> Now to shrink him down and cover him in rotten meat from the sewer.
* Robert wonders how many times those same birds will fly by
Cthulhu> It's got a kitchen, a den, a game room, even a walk-in humidor.
Mellie> wait a minute.. that's a toilet part.. you guys! They're inside a toilet tank!
ReaperG> Kenny and Helen are hiding in there
mgrasso> oh, he's so dead.
Robert> This is not a thimble.
Robert> This is a bathyscope.
mgrasso> it's the thimble from my monopoly game!
mgrasso> robert! sheesh.
Robert> Sorry. :)
Cthulhu> Why does the bathesphere have the words S.S. Bait Shop stamped on the side. Funny name.
BEMaven1> 'we've just passed the dry layer with the wavy camera fx.'
mgrasso> oscar the grouch in a special episode of "jacques cousteau's undersea adventures."
ReaperG> They forgot the Oxygen Destroyer!
Ironf> Is this really the time to be listening to audiobooks doctor?
Robert> It's only been ten seconds and already he's bitching.
Pinwiz> You know, if they had a Mentos it would all be better.
mgrasso> thermos. because we can win the cold war... with thermos technology.
mgrasso> hah! stock footage from "bride of the monster"
Ironf> And we found that lost stock footage.
Robert> Sargassum ...
Robert> Coffee of deceit.
Cthulhu> Ahhhh yes... My friend the octopus... I LOVE YOU!
Cthulhu> ... and then... ATTACK!!!
Trademark> Please ignore the obvious scratches on the "ocean."
ReaperG> "Hi, we're here to dine on whatever pieces of you that the rhedosaurus doesn't eat"
mgrasso> anyone remember those rubber octopi you'd get in cereal boxes that would walk down walls?
thayer> yes, mike
mgrasso> they sucked.
Ironf> Wacky wall walkers.
ReaperG> Sushi Vs. Sushi\
Mellie> more like sushi vs aphrodisiac, reaper.
Robert> The epic battle between science and stock footage.
Cthulhu> Dagon! NO!!!!!
mgrasso> so, you've got stock footage AND rear projection.
BEMaven1> no, he ate the Rear Screen. he's huge!
mgrasso> i think i see lee van cleef!
mgrasso> is he that sailor back there?
Robert> No, professor, you're describing the effect. Describe the *beast*.
Mellie> and now they're a snack.
mgrasso> toldja.
BEMaven1> 'it's exactly as we pictured it. the dorsal fin is bilateral. and the lapels are medium width.'
thayer> well that takes care of all the "science"
Ironf> 'Fishin' with Lee and Friends'
Robert> The Canadian operator gets revenge.
Mellie> why are those monsters always hungry? eat, eat, eat.
mgrasso> love tha tpicture. he looks like he's getting a blowjob from below camera range.
mgrasso> dopey grin and all.
Mellie> mike!
mgrasso> don't even tell me it didn't look like he was being given oral favors.
Robert> He's got his leather coat on. *cues porn music*
Cthulhu> His funny little walk... his wonder smile... his 12 inches of rock hard manhood.
BEMaven1> and the pet names he gave his dinosaurs.
Robert> This film is just a prosmoking film in disguise.
Mellie> look out! it's a puppet!
mgrasso> never seen a teamster run like tht.
mgrasso> must be coffee break.
Pinwiz> They know it's Prince Spaghetti night
ReaperG> He broke up the "On the Waterfront" set
Odie> Pointing! At random things!
Cthulhu> OK... who let Devlin and Emmerich back into the city!
Ironf> NOT cardboard buildings.
Robert> We are running in New York City! For we are New Yorkers!
mgrasso> the bowery boys are a mid-afternoon snack for the beast.
BEMaven1> 'rrrrur... i want tuna... i want liver... i want chicken... please deliver...'
mgrasso> and shirley temple is rushed to safety.
Robert> On a very special episode of "Brooklyn Bridge."
Cthulhu> OK, who let the igauna out?
mgrasso> the giants win the pennant! the giants win the pennant! the giants win the pennant!
Odie> He's kinda cute.
Mellie> yeah.. in that "drags his crotch over ever stationary object" sort of way, odie
Odie> Aw, they still stop for traffic lights.
mgrasso> [RARR]
Odie> Woo!
Mellie> ha!
mgrasso> hah!
Pinwiz> Hey, he's not a midget
Robert> he wiggled his legs! AAAAH!!!
Cthulhu> Mmmmm the great taste of bacon.
ReaperG> Cool! Maybe he'll do that to Don Imus while he's there
BEMaven1> it would take four Chicago cops to die like that.
Pinwiz> And then, Sandra Bullock runs him over with her bus
Robert> When a prehistoric monster attacks, DUCK AND COVER!!!
ReaperG> "I'm female, actually. I want to take my top off for Howard Stern"
Cthulhu> OK Beast... time to put away your Hot Wheels cars.
mgrasso> they'd better have a whole paddywagon for him.
mgrasso> sorry. "irish-american"wagon
Cthulhu> You weapons have no effect on me!
Trademark> Oh, the SS comes in to save the city...
mgrasso> trade: that's giuliani's city.
Odie> Look... A Gift Shop.
Robert> The police are, frankly, unimpressed by the effect.
Pinwiz> This _is_ the Buffy finale!
mgrasso> there's a sale at penney's!
ReaperG> For the record, Eiji Tsuburaya wanted to do "Godzilla" in stop-motion, but it would've taken too long, so he went with rubber suits
Robert> Welcome to the third annual Men With Hats and Trenchcoats NYC Marathon!
Pinwiz> And then they run into the mob from King Kong, merge, and run smack into the War of the Worlds mob.
mgrasso> [RARR]
BEMaven1> when in New York once, i pointed at the air and ran. it started a stampede.
Mellie> air raid sirens! huzzah!
mgrasso> and now, 1920s stock footage.
Cthulhu> Oh... great.. now theres a nuclear war!
Trademark> Ah... finally we get the announcer shot.
Pinwiz> Wow. Love the two-tone wall design
Ironf> Wow they got Sinatra to make an announcment
mgrasso> porn merchants smuggle their precious cargo out of the city.
BEMaven1> Mounting Hysteria? is that like cats living with dogs?
Robert> People continue to wander around in the streets like morons.
Mellie> not war, but "WRR!"
Robert> Why does he have to look at the mike every two seconds?
Odie> And to prove the disastor, three empty streets.
mgrasso> harlem! well, they didn't bother with harlem.
ReaperG> This will be the greatest G-CON ever!
Pinwiz> Don't they _know_ where the beast is if they are on every intersection?
Mellie> even though the monster is huge.. still no idea where he could be.
Robert> Lincoln Logs are brought in!
Pinwiz> Harold Ramis, new to this season of ER
mgrasso> see that scene? lee van cleef? he played gurney #2.
BEMaven1> he's not a doctor. he just likes to walk by the beds and pull the sheets over the patients.
mgrasso> the monster that never sleeps for the city that never sleeps.
Ironf> Shoot it in the eye, it's real squishy right there.
Pinwiz> Wasn't this the highlight of the last Exoticon?
Mellie> that monster m oves like a puppy.
BEMaven1> "his skull is at least 3 inches thick." Mayor Koch?
Cthulhu> BAZOOKA JOE!!!! NO!
thayer> 'bazooka man! fire!'
ReaperG> I am Bazooka Man!
Robert> the other way! THE OTHER WAY!!!
Odie> I feel bad for the giant lizard puppy.
BEMaven1> good one. right in the T.
mgrasso> [EEERAAR]
* Mellie falls down laughing
Mellie> eeraar!
Cthulhu> They shorted out the movie... damn.
Ironf> Ahh THIS is what really caused the big blackout back during the summer of Sam.
mgrasso> 'twas USA warmongering that killed the beast.
Trademark> In between frames, you men put the radio fence collar on him!
mgrasso> "he was more of a stain, a green.... globule really."
BEMaven1> 'sargent! the Monster dropped his Strawberry Preserves.'
Mellie> cue the generic "sneak-up" music.
BEMaven1> that's a real creepy parade they've got going.
mgrasso> well, dipping him in the east river will kill him immediately.
BEMaven1> it's the Bowery. there's an instinctive urge for men to squat on doorsteps.
Odie> This movie could be helped so much if all the actors would just die.
mgrasso> major robert vaughn.
Robert> And a cameo from Lloyd Bridges.
Pinwiz> *crsk*You sunk my battleship *crsk*
Mellie> maybe we'll be lucky and the monster will eat them all, then die of indigestion.
Odie> I kinda am rooting for the scaley dog.
Robert> yes, reptiles and mammals share so many diseases.
Cthulhu> The worlds larget case of samenilla.
ReaperG> Dino's got cooties! Dino's got cooties
Trademark> The hepatitis outbreak heard round the world...
BEMaven1> whoa. he gave her his beret. they're an item.
Robert> Again with The Radioactive Isotope.
Odie> Sodium. It worked last time.
Robert> just pick one. Whatever you have lying around.
mgrasso> this movie brought to you by the atom.
Cthulhu> There is nothing we can't irradiate in the 1950s!
mgrasso> "is there time to play skee-ball, sarge?"
thayer> the dino's just lookin for a little fun
Odie> Aw, look! He just want to go to the fair!
BEMaven1> 'drop that cotton candy and get yer rifles.
Robert> Maybe they shouldn't be standing behind the bazooka?
Trademark> That's it! Charge the monster $200 dollars to ride the coaster. He'll run out of money and go home...
Cthulhu> Ride the Beast of 20,000 Fathoms at Six Flags Great America!
Mellie> mm.. riding the beast
Odie> Two guys are called in to take care of the giant monster.
Pinwiz> Wow, people are losing teeth all over the place
Ironf> All they have to do is give him a giant asprin and he'll shrink down to normal size.
Mellie> can't they just feed him alice's mushroom?
Robert> I love how the movie is all scientific until the monster attacks NYC. Then it's kill, kill, kill.
mgrasso> lee van cleef!
mgrasso> finally!
Mellie> where?
Mellie> the rollercoaster?
mgrasso> he's the marksman.
mgrasso> that rat-like demeanor.
mgrasso> that sallow, cold stare.
thayer> he picks his teeth with a rifle? that can't be healthy
Robert> They're going to *fire* a radioactive isotope.
mgrasso> it's in handy bullet form, robert.
Robert> All he wants is a hot dog.
Odie> Why's everything all wet? Did it rain?
mgrasso> odie: marking his territory.
mgrasso> all of coney island got a golden shower.
Ironf> Master Ninja's Wild Ride.
Mellie> we spell "van cleef" differently in east new york.
ReaperG> OK, we found Lee Van Cleef, but where was Steve Brodie?
Robert> They're bringing out the Pentium IIIs.
Cthulhu> Start Sirgeo Leon "show down" music and closes up of sweaty T-zones.
BEMaven1> all tech sargents are trained in the use of carny rides.
Ironf> It's Klan night at the fair!
Robert> And they say the Klan doesn't do anything worthwhile ...
mgrasso> this is how the CIA trained oswald.
mgrasso> "if you can hit a dinosaur from a moving roller coaster car with a radioactive isotope wearing a lead suit, you can hit kennedy."
Odie> Noooooo!
* Odie weeps
mgrasso> and now, death throes.
Ironf> Rollercoaster, of love.
BEMaven1> 'you stay here and shoot the monster. i'll check out the Whirling Cups.'
Pinwiz> get your tickets here get your tickets here
BEMaven1> keep your isotope inside the car at all times.
Odie> God. It's so wrong. So wrong. Where's PETA?
Robert> and the coaster laps itself.
Pinwiz> and so, the boardgame mosetrap is invented
mgrasso> coney island in flames, dino destroyed, and the giants lose. news at 11.
Odie> Oh, great. And burn down Coney Island while you're at it.
BEMaven1> flammable gasoline next to the wooden structure. it's Coney Island all right.
Cthulhu> Take your time... no rush.
Pinwiz> It's the big one!!!! Gwangi, I'm coming for 'ya!!!
Cthulhu> It's giant lizard steak night at the Sizzler!
Ironf> Someone get Doug McKenzie STAT!
mgrasso> you know, the monster was nominated for best actor because of this death scene. turned out he was a commie, and he got blacklisted.
mgrasso> sad, really. elia kazan turned him in.
Odie> TO the sea! Run to the sea, you twit!
BEMaven1> wooo! he just did a blue flamer.
Robert> look, a barrel that hasn't exploded yet.
BEMaven1> too bad the film's B&W.
mgrasso> too bad the film's.
Trademark> I'd walk a mile for a flaming roller coaster,
mgrasso> we killed it. god bless america.
Robert> The monster is hot pink.
Mellie> what spectacular death throes.
Odie> I hate all these poeple.
Odie> I wanted Scaley to win.
ReaperG> I always fight monsters in a jumpsuit and tie, too
Cthulhu> That was dinosaur for FRRRRRRREEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMMM!
BEMaven1> i liked my idea better. lure him to the Brooklyn Bridge with a cab.
Rolaid> Okay, I'm ready for the movie!
Rolaid> Wait
Pinwiz> That's it??? What about Coney Island's brave struggle to recover?
Odie> Yeah, real fun story.
Rolaid> Did I miss anything??
Mellie> ray bradbury! that's whom we must blame!!
Pinwiz> Ray: "You know, this script SUCKS!!!'
* Mellie digs up ray and burns him
Rolaid> Digs up Ray?
Mellie> unless he's not dead. but i bet he is.
Rolaid> Hey! I met Ray Bradbury!!
Cthulhu> I think he's still with us.
Mellie> someone bury him! i want to dig him up and hurt him.
Odie> And whack him for me for The Martian Chronicles, mel.
mgrasso> mellie would do horribly at a game of "dead, alive, or indian food."
Robert> "The film grossed five million." Oh, Bob, we know.
thayer> rol, he wasn't the only one
Pinwiz> Wow... that sucked
ReaperG> Well, *I* liked it
Odie> If I ever write anything decent, I'm never signing it over for movie material. You're going to have to wait until I'm dead to rip me off, suckers!
Pinwiz> Buy my screenplay!!! SUCKERS!!!!!!
ReaperG> Like there's anything wrong with giant prehistoric monsters trashing major cities. Really
Pinwiz> I'm waiting for Gwangi: The E! Tru Hollywood Story
Trademark> Geez... no more homegames on AMC. No breaks for bathroom...

"The bacon has acquired a healthy tan."
"Now all we need is a machine to EAT our breakfast for us!"
"Nothing is hidden from the searching scrutiny of modern science."


mgrasso comes from 20,000 fathoms under his parents' basement.