x363 THE GIANT BEHEMOTH (12/03/99)

Directed by Douglas "Brannigan" Hickox and Eugène "Battle of the Bulge" Lourié
Written by Robert "Elvis on Tour" Abel, Alan J. "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn" Adler, Eugène Lourié, Daniel "Gorgo" James
Produced by David "I Was An American Spy" Diamond, Ted "Submarine X-1" Lloyd

In the grand tradition of sea monsters created by radioactivity, American Movie Classics brings us the British made, "Behemoth." The movie starts with the Irish Republican Army dumping radioactive waste into the ocean, which, shocker, causes the fish to become radioactive. Lots of important people dressed in lab coats and who turn lots of dials become alarmed at this turn of events. Being the nerdy representatives of the scientific community that they are, the popular jocks now turned politicians mock and laugh at them, but not before tossing the scientists out of their labs and converting them into frat houses with fermentation labs. The nerdy scientists get the last laugh when the Behemoth shows up and terrorizes England by firing electric shocks at ESP volunteers and shooting radioactive beams from its eyes of steel. While affected by conventional weapons, the Brits "discover" that destroying The Giant Behemoth would spread radioactive material all over the country, so they opt with luring the monster back into the ocean with a truck full of black pudding. The movie ends with our stop action namesake returning to the ocean in what can only be described as the greatest anti-climactic moment in movie history, not including the John Wayne Bobbit porno.

Behemo02.JPG Bice> Water, the source of all monster movies.
THX-1138> And by Giant, we mean slightly larger than a breadbox
Trademark> Starring people with "almost" names.
ReaperG> And the Lord said, "Let there be stop-motion animation!"
Trademark> 'And the Lord said, "Blow things up real good."'
mcorley> David Lettermen on nuclear phsyics.
THX-1138> It's Dustin Hoffman and he wants to touch your diseased monkey
BEMaven> this scientist has a Howdy-Dowdy mouth.
EJ> Walt Disney also agrees.
Bice> Panikus. Roman god of panicking.
mcorley> this was the start of the WTO protest.
BEMaven> 'someone threw another perfectly good baby into the sea.'
EJ> fish heads, fish heads, yummy yummy fish heads.
Bice> They're playing darts. The guy in the hat was playing goalie.
Trademark> Jesus. Who'd have thought there was a B-list William Sylvester?
mcorley> He can store a half-yard of beer in that chin divit.
EJ> I'm dead now. Don't fish.
ReaperG> "I loved my dead gay fisherman"
Bice> I swear, whoever wrote the bible was on acid.
THX-1138> The bible? Who reads that crap?
mgrasso> featuring big daddy bodean's truck... the behweamoth
Trademark> Always touch the unfamiliar organism.
Trademark> The behemoth is sneaky. Canceling reservations, ordering pizzas, etc.
THX-1138> Does everything have to be about Hiroshima with you?!
Trademark> Were they distributing opium on the set?
Bice> A passing ship dropped acid? That explains a lot.
THX-1138> Go get your own Phish album, you dirty bastards
BEMaven> 'want to see me wittle my wooden leg?'
Trademark> Flipper? Is he a thalidomide baby?
Bice> This is one of those monster movies where we don't get to see the monster 'til the very end, isn't it?
EJ> wow, liquid latex and cornflakes! how icky Behemo07.JPG
ReaperG> Radiation? You're soaking in it
THX-1138> Behemothian Rhapsody?
mcorley> The moral of the story, don't go touching every shiny thing you see.
Trademark> Touching behemoths makes your skin go bad. How many times have we heard that.
EJ> touching your behemoth will cause hair to grow on your palms.
THX-1138> The guy has powerful radioactive sperm. Is it so wrong that he burned his hand after masturbating?!
Mellie> revel in the noble splendor of my distant gaze
Bice> It's Dr. Honeydew!
EJ> meep meep meep MEEP!
THX-1138> Dupont scientists working to find new ways to make BOOOOZE!
mgrasso> there is a lot of fervent dial-twiddling going on in that lab.
EJ> Ned is the lab's tart.
ReaperG> "Not tonight dear, I've got a splitting haddock"
mcorley> Why are we donig this? Oh, for the Halibut...
ReaperG> This script is floundering
Ironf> Did the fish get paid scale?
Trademark> Sinker the puns, please.
Ironf> Please do not stare directly into the fish.
Bice> Hey, there's laws against fish exposing themselves.
THX-1138> And today's Iron Chef theme ingredient is radioactive fish!
mcorley> He's cutting open Dr. Z!
Ironf> Fugu's up.
mcorley> God *everyone* wants to touch radiation in this film.
THX-1138> Plate 14...but sir, that's my Star Trek Collector's plate.
EJ> I have to disagree with the movie about the dramaticness of these scenes.
EJ> contrary to the music.
mcorley> Yes, as much as it insists on being dramatic, we must respectfully disagree. Behemo08.JPG
Ironf> I'm telling you, they got a deal on musical stings. They bought from Bulkrose. He's expanding.
Bice> It's the amazing farting fish.
THX-1138> Why does the geiger counter say "milliamps" on it?
EJ> Hi, I'm the monstah fish, bleh bleh bleh.
Ironf> It has a good beat and I can dance to it. I gave it a 57 Dick.
ReaperG> They're gonna need a bigger boat
BEMaven> not like a geiger counter to panic like that.
THX-1138> Doctor, why do your fingers smell like dead fish?
Trademark> Gorton's doesn't want to get involved in any international monster issues.
BEMaven> "they sound as if they mean it."... i take it the Coast Guard usually prefers to heckle seaman.
EJ> I wonder why a pissed off radioactive fish would come all the way from the pacific to pick on the british...oh yes, because they're WUSSIES!
Mellie> radioactive fish love their fey-boy dance music, jen. that's why. all it wants is depeche mode's autograph
Ironf> It was the goo from a glowstick YOU LYING BASTARD! You were just getting extra funding. I find that most bad form old gent.
mcorley> Good God, if we can kill a fish of that size, our Fish and Chips needs will be met for a year!
mgrasso> that's french for "Flee! for the love of brie, flee!"
Trademark> Oh yeah, let's alert the French. They'll be a big help...
EJ> zut alors.
mcorley> Oh yeah, a frenchman with a fire arm, like I believe that.
Trademark> This is an alternate timeline where Morrisey was killed by the behemoth.
THX-1138> He's so long he can suck his own tail, just because he can
BEMaven> actually, it was a real dinky dinosaur with incredibly huge feet.
Trademark> This is not protocol. First they should establish the Ministry for Investigation of Redundantly Named Monsters.
Ironf> New Crystal Fog, from Pepsi.
ReaperG> "This is Bob 'The real Giant Behemoth is in Milton Berle's pants' Hope"
EJ> London Bridge is being destroyed, being destroyed, london bridge is being destroyed by a radioactive monster!
mcorley> And make sure to let the Behemoth kill some American Tourists, then we can let them come in and do all the work.
Trademark> o/~ The monster started getting rough, the model ship was tossed... o/~!
Mellie> When Rubber Attacks!
mgrasso> hah! the french merchant marine did the nestea plunge!
Ironf> It's the tea party all over, except it's not in Boston, not tea, and not people dressed as indians.
Bice> This won the British Oscar for Best Use of the Word Fiddlesticks. Behemo10.JPG
Trademark> 'We will fight it on the land, in the matte paintings, and in the aquariums.'
Ironf> Finally they get off their ass and call Mr. Limpet
mcorley> ... And the British attack with their primary weapon, Cucumber Sandwiches!
EJ> good thing they haven't updated their equipment since 1919
THX-1138> And the british army goes door to door cracking down on people without TV licenses
Trademark> Martial law in Britain means *strict* enforcement of tea time.
mcorley> Only the piccalo can show such horror and suspense.
mgrasso> there's a picture of barney taking a shit on the wall there.
Mellie> is he pooping, or giving birth to a bird?
THX-1138> They just need to feed it a billion apples because the seeds are poisonous
BEMaven> Gentleman Prefer Bombs.
EJ> get out of my dreams, monster, and into my car.
Ironf> With all this talk of penetrating and deep inside the beast, I think this is the long lost prequel to Anal-Conda.
EJ> as the monster rises from the water like a japanese dildo
Trademark> 'The behemoths responsible for the terror have been sacked.'
Bice> Now I see why they didn't show the monster at all during the first hour.
BEMaven> hey, the Behemoth is goose-stepping.
mgrasso> brits don't panic as well as japanese.
Mellie> aw, jeez! he's crushing my matchbox car collection.
BEMaven> jeez, the British are so blase about panicking.
THX-1138> You'd think the Brits would have good running away scenes from all the wars
Mellie> i wish they had used those little green army men in lieu of panicky people. especially the ones who are crawling and on the phonoe
mcorley> quick, one inch bullets into the 150 ft monster, that always works!
mgrasso> you know, british men will use any excuse to fall down and roll on each other.
Trademark> This must have been when Chamberlain was PM. Churchill wouldn't have taken any monster guff.
THX-1138> HEre he comes, walking down the street...
BryanL> If you're running from a dinosaur, why would you stop at a building corner? Would you think you're -safe-?
mgrasso> you have to admit, though, this monster does have something different from all the others: a swirly radioactivity attack.
Mellie> damn the behemoth's strategic building mauling! he completely missed those people.
mgrasso> they're all rushing to get the new batch of kidney mush at the market!
THX-1138> They're all running away from the Behemoth's tainted love.
mgrasso> just fling marie curie at the monster.
BEMaven> they're playing Radioactive Rock, Pape, Scissors.
Trademark> Wallace loots, while Gromit marks the whole of London.
Mellie> oh, how cute. he wants his picture by big ben
Ironf> Have we seen the required frontal nudity from the monster that occurs in all British films?
BryanL> As bad as this movie was, I did enjoy Feldspar's fanfic where the Behemoth penetrated the 13-year-old schoolgirl with its head and neck. Behemo11.JPG
mgrasso> i remember this scene from an almodovar film.
BryanL> It's amazing how much information could be gleaned from just one oscilloscope back in the 50's.
Bice> Yes, that's why they're trying to penetrate it with their missile.
BEMaven> 'oh, god. we're pleasuring the Behemoth!'
BryanL> They dropped the People's Warhead on him.
Trademark> 'So, the behemoth. Is he a goer?
nudge nudge wink wink>'
BryanL> They sure had minimalist expectations from their movies back then. These days, a movie like Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo, they put EFFORT into it.
EJ> well, today, I learned that the behemoth looks like one of them Japanese vibrators.
Mellie> complete with over-detailed anal attatchement, jen?
EJ> yes, Mellie...the anal invader looks like godzookie.

"What about the dumping of our oceans?"
"I thought he'd come by to show off his whitefish."
"The fish exposes itself."
"You have your camera ready?"
"Oh fiddlesticks!"
"Hold it! Hold it!"

Laaaaadies are always asking to see THX-1138's "Giant Behemoth."