x214 BEACH BLANKET BINGO (2/27/99)

Songs Written by Les "Dagmar's Hot Pants, Inc." Baxter
Produced by Samuel Z. "legacy of shame" Arkoff and James H. "similar shameful history" Nicholson
Directed by William "I Dream of Jeannie: 15 Years Later" Asher

Beach Blanket Bingo is the History Channel's dramatization of Lyndon Baines Johnson's top-secret abortive 1965 attempt to integrate homosexuals into the armed forces. At a secret U.S. Army training camp (and we do mean "camp") on the California coast, top recruit Frankie Avalon is drafted away from the burgeoning drag scene in San Francisco. Through a steady program of beatings, drugs, and mock executions, then proceeding to gradual exposure to Annette Funicello, the U.S. Army Special 69th Airborne Division (the Flaming LeBlanks) under its commander Major A. Neil Felching (macho war movie star Paul Lynde) hopes to train a troupe of parachuting, skindiving, bodysurfing, queer commandoes. But all is not well at Camp Bingo. Secret toxic dumping off the coast of the camp has led to horrible mutations, and a race of deformed fishwomen try to abduct the Flaming LeBlanks back into heterosexuality. But nothing doing, says the assembled latter-day Theban warriors, as they sing, dance, and gad their way through Basic Training. Special Guest Star: Don Rickles as the Phantom Dictator of Krankor.

Balthayzr> Isn't Beach Blanket Bingo actually Position 45 in the Kuma Satra?
Plumm> if it says zarkoff, ithas to be good
Ironf> Is big stupid in this, cause he should be
Ironf> Buster Keaton!
Bice> Ah, Buster's in this? Say it ain't so.
Balthayzr> There was a movie that was a dog, and Bingo was it's name-o, B-I-N-G-O.....
BryanL> So, "Beach Blanket Bingo" is just garden variety rutting? One minute in and I'm already disillusioned.
Balthayzr> Mrs Balth says: This is California. It doesn't have to be a Boy and a Girl...
Ironf> How did parents view these movies back then? With disdain, cause I'l liable to agree with them.
BryanL> One, one lovely ass! Muahahahahaha!
Balthayzr> Pie Shoving!!
Ironf> Balth last night there was a blaxploitation film on TNT that had pie shoving, red foxx, and a faux-blackula
* Balthayzr also cries for poor, sad Buster Keaton.
Bice> Ah, toplessness. That's why this one is a classic.
Q> seeing as how i can't play, i'm gonna jet - bry, you can be the honorary chyck in my absence, okay?
BryanL> Done and done. (tucks between legs)
Balthayzr> And Mother Vicki Lawrence pushes her young out of the nest.
Balthayzr> And she gets eaten by a big rubber squid.
BryanL> She's having pre-traumatic stress disorder flashbacks. She thinks she's in NAM!
Ironf> At least her hair protects her from any head injury
Balthayzr> The alpha candy striper takes out her rival.
Bice> So he actually was on something other than Hollywood Squares.
BryanL> I'll take the center square, to vomit.
Ironf> If he and Charles Nelson Reilly ever met, i think the world would explode.
BryanL> I'll take the center square to BLANK.
BryanL> I'm sensing a "stripe" theme.
Balthayzr> Paul Lynde practices for his big breaking part as the Hooded Claw in The Perils Of Penelope Pitstop.
BryanL> GPS!
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, Frankie's hair leaves a large slick off the california cost.
BryanL> It's been a while since some real GPS in a homegame.
mgrasso> no holds barred, i think, bry
Balthayzr> And President Johnson arrives at the beach to inspect the future inductees.
Ironf> Von-zipper!
Cthulhu> Ah yes... The Eric Von Zipper trilogy.
BryanL> It takes a brave man to continue the same running joke for four straight movies.
Plumm> Jason Alexander did a fabulous job reprising the von Zipper role in that Truth! Valour! Absalom! Absalom! thing or whatever it was.
Balthayzr> Is the Foley guy hiding in Zipper's coat pocket or something?
BryanL> Meanwhile, in the "career ruination" section of our flick...
Cthulhu> It's turning into Benny Hill.
Bice> In his old age, Buster did nothing but run through other people's movies.
Balthayzr> Tonight, the Part of Bill Clinton will be played by Buster Keaton.
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the Blandelles!
Balthayzr> So, early Casio Keyboards looked just like folk Guitars.
Plumm> They're getting ready for the big bisexual orgy, obviously.
Bice> Seeing that guy deep-throat that weenie was a bit disturbing.
BryanL> She's only happy when it rains...
Bice> What is it with the obsession with hot dogs in this movie.
BryanL> And when I say "jump", you say "I'll give you oral sex now".
Cthulhu> So when does Vincent Price and Chubby Checker show up?
mgrasso> and what about pee-wee herman?
Ironf> Cletus made the cut it seems
Balthayzr> This house looks like a cross between the Brady house and the Monkee Hideout.
BryanL> Five minutes after the fadeout, it was double penetration city in that cabin.
Cthulhu> You know.. I hoping the monsters from Party Beach show up for a cameo.
Balthayzr> They called him Big Droop until the Viagra kicked in.
Plumm> Rickles is a big drop, all right.
Cthulhu> These hockey pucks want to learn about skydiving.
BryanL> So, who's gonna put acid on their chutes?
Bice> They couldn't get the acid - Anette wouldn't sleep with the pharmasist
Balthayzr> You know, DOn Rickles is good in everything. Except this.
Balthayzr> I, for one, am all in favor of these kids being shoved out of airplanes.
BryanL> "Double Freefall". That's a euphemism if I ever heard one.
BryanL> This is the coolest sex ed class ever.
Balthayzr> Where's the goofy guy on the rollerskates? And the 7-foot-tall woman?
BryanL> These guys wouldn't last a day in Rico's Roughnecks.
Balthayzr> You know, I'm always a little nervous when I see large groups of white kids hanging out.
BryanL> Supper Chex. The new dinner cereal. Pork, Chicken, and Beef flavor.
my-crow-soft> they have a pic of hitler on the wall ?
BryanL> They're the wackiest fascists in the west!
Bice> It's a light-hearted Hitler romp of a film.
BryanL> What's with the French tit fetishist?
Balthayzr> If Alan Alda and Vincent Price had a child.
BryanL> The eternal struggle between fascists and surfers plays out on screen.
Ironf> Ahh songs to raise your zipper with.
Bice> Oh yeah, if this was gonna turn into a musical, *he*'s the guy I wanted to hear sing first.
BryanL> I'd like to point out, for the record, that not one of you has KILLED ME yet.
Cthulhu> This would be a more appropriate song for "The Incrediable Hulk: The Musical"
Balthayzr> You think these guys are part of the Crips or the Bloods?
BryanL> Oh, shit. The finger thing plays out through multiple movies.
Ironf> not reverse footage at all. AT ALL
Plumm> Wow, bisexual leather orgy this time.
Balthayzr> Oh, good. More singing. We haven't had any in a while.
Bice> The string section is hiding in the planter.
BryanL> They're really ramping up the musical numbers now. We've had all the plot we're gonna.
BryanL> These kids make love at the drop of a hat... any hat.
Bice> Jerry Seinfield on keys.
Balthayzr> Eric always sounds like he's choking on a jawbreaker.
BryanL> I'm actually kind of surprised that Lynde isn't enthralled by the leather gang.
BryanL> That's right, Lynde, choke back the vomit. We're all doing it.
Balthayzr> How to sickle? He's gonna teach her to cut weeds like an Amish person?
Bice> I can think of someone with a sickle I'd like to introduce to this cast. A large man in a black robe...
Cthulhu> THE FINGER!!!
Ironf> ahhh remote controll fingering
Balthayzr> Here' allow me to give you the finger, as well.
BryanL> Anyone who can make him stop doing whatever he does from five feet away is OK in my book.
Plumm> Xena Grey, Marvel Girl.
Balthayzr> Loreli. I used to date Superman.
Plumm> Duuuh, I've had lots of mermaids.
Balthayzr> There's a "smells like fish" joke in here somewhere, but I'm not touching it.
Balthayzr> Now that's a fine piece of tail.
BryanL> Let's get 'em all out of our system, folks.
Ironf> If she washed a bit more, she might not be scaley
Balthayzr> Poor goof must have paddled all the way to Busch Gardens.
BryanL> Nothing's worse than scale scrapes on the nads. Except another song.
Plumm> It's only a frankie and annete movie, myc, so he can't get past second base anyway.
Balthayzr> Uh, they filmed 99% of this live on the beach. Thus, it makes perfect sense to pick up scenes with Rear Projection.
BryanL> You stink, and you stink, and they stink, and this whole movie stinks...
Balthayzr> I think, they think, we all think, KNOCK IT OFF!
Bice> Frankie is dressed to go to his job as a TV evangelist.
Ironf> I'm a thinker, she's a thinker, he's a thinker, wouldn't you like to be a thinker too?
BryanL> Lyrics by Dr. Thinker.
Balthayzr> They SHoot Annettes, Don't They?
BryanL> Lay off, MacDuff, and woe be he who first cries "Bingo!"
Ironf> I hear she easily falls like that nowadays
Balthayzr> Think Bonehead could teach us to mentally wander off this movie?
BryanL> I think Frankie needs a little more piping on his shirt.
Ironf> It's sad to see that Tom Hanks stole the mermaid idea from this movie
my-crow-soft> ahh another wigged out party !
Balthayzr> AH! Group seizure!
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the Richard Pryor Dancers!!!
Bice> Wow, there was actually a time when rock bands in matching sweaters were cool. Go figure.
Balthayzr> Earl will guest in any movie for 29.95.
Balthayzr> Buster Keaton IS Rain Man!
Plumm> My mom's old Goldwaters LP, they all ad matching AuH2O sweaters.
Balthayzr> Ah, sweet Don Rickles eases the pain.
Plumm> Anti-Kennedy folk music ROCKS!
BryanL> Further proof: Don Rickles - Never Funny.
Plumm> Ahhh, sweet Rickles, thank you for rescuing this movie.
BryanL> She's wearing a Magic Duster as her dress.
Balthayzr> I like how she swivels her hips in subtly different ways for every song.
Bice> Fry boy?
BryanL> He's pretty white for a fly boy.
Balthayzr> I see her 2 breasts, and raise you a swivel-hips.
BryanL> It's the siren song of the crappy subplot.
Balthayzr> Sirens often used music to lure bad B-actors to their doom. And, for that, we salute them.
BryanL> Lorelie was identified by her dental records.
Balthayzr> These are the Good Times? Oh, please, kill me now.
MSTPoopie> If these are the good times, I'd HATE to see the bad times.
BryanL> Frankie's all ready for a bowling night.
Ironf> Do they call Don 'Big Drop' cause he looks like something I ate and dropped?
Bice> Hey, he said earlier that his lips were sealed. I'm holding him to that.
Bice> Buster Keaton, professional scenery.
BryanL> Have I mentioned how grateful I am for the death of this style of music?
Balthayzr> Script, Page One. Frankie Sings. Annette Sings. Eric Sings. Annette and Frankie sing. Oh, yes, and some plot if we have time.
BryanL> Frankie does Frankie.
Balthayzr> Lynde always looks like he's trying to suck a popcorn hull out of a molar.
Bice> Frank is either doing the best Frank Sinatra impression I've ever seen, or the worst Frank Zappa.
BryanL> No, he flies like an eagle... to the sea.
Ironf> and while you're jumping from the plane, I'll be jumping on Annette
Balthayzr> But his love and his lady is the sea. And, Brill-Creme.
Balthayzr> And he finds a cave with a giant brain in it.
Balthayzr> So, they just decided to scrap the movie and have a Cast Open Mike Night?
BryanL> What is it with Annette, singing all by herself, in her cabin, with a full backup band? Why choose THAT as a motif?
Balthayzr> She'll never change him, because Frankie was in Depends by the time they filmed this.
BryanL> How many Funicellos does it take to change a Frankie?
Balthayzr> 6. And we all get to watch.
Bice> Not only is she singing with an invisible back-up band and back-up singers, but she's someone magicly multi-tracking her own voice.
Ironf> It's that hair that sets up the reverb chamber in her head that bugs me out
BryanL> A big brassy musical number is Annette's version of a glass of warm milk.
* Balthayzr hums StarFighters Music.
Ironf> And in this corner, William "The Horse" Rodriguez
Plumm> 'Can mermaids spread their legs on land?'
BryanL> Now we landdwellers do two things with our legs. We walk on them, and we wrap them around each others' heads.
Balthayzr> How does one bleach one's hair under the sea?
Balthayzr> So, what happens when her triple-underwired bra hits an Updraft?
BryanL> M-I-C-K-E-Y... S-P-L-A-T....
BryanL> This is just like Faith and Xander.
BryanL> Frankie Avalon IS Dr. Ruth Westheimer IN Beach Blanket Loveline!
Balthayzr> Nobody makes a monkey with 5 asses out of Steve!
Bice> He's dracula!
BryanL> So, the fur/gold lame bikini was a short-lived fad, I'm guessing?
Ironf> Buster busts a move
Djenk> Buster Keaton, in a role that will make you curse the day "talkies" were invented
Bice> Buster in this stage of his career is like an elderly uncle who still thinks he's "a stitch"
Balthayzr> I guess you'd call these films WhiteSploitation, huh?
Balthayzr> Hey! Annette's showing cleavage!!
Balthayzr> And Buster finds on of Dr. Goldfoot's remaining Girl Bombs.
Ironf> von crappier!
BryanL> Paul! Ssss! Two snaps up!
Balthayzr> Any chance we could get Buster to hang off a clock tower again?
BryanL> Man, Earl and Paul are just the riffmeisters.
Djenk> They probably saved money on these films buy giving this motorcycle dude the same script over and over
BryanL> I could have gone my entire life without watching Paul Lynde and Von Zipper work out their top and bottom roles on screen.
Balthayzr> Paul never did top or bottom, Bry. He was always "Center Square"....
Bice> She sleeps in a UFO?
BryanL> Why are they using the space music version of "Feliz Navidad" as background music?
BEMaven> he's putting the snatch on her? who taught him anatomy.
Balthayzr> It's his Prince Planet Fan Club Medallion.
Ironf> tempted by the fish of another
Bice> And You Are What You Is.
Balthayzr> Yea, the memory of this is gonna haunt us for awhile, as well.
Djenk> I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are....you are a f-i-i-i-i-sh....
BryanL> Two days later, she was killed. Bonehead spent the rest of his life campaigning for dolphin-safe nets.
Balthayzr> Is it smart for her to grow her fins back 30 yards from the surf?
BEMaven> didn't run after a naked girl in the surf. now i know why he's called bonehead.
BryanL> Booby Guy is back. Thank goodness. The movie was floundering without Booby Guy.
Djenk> Willy Mosconi, in a role that will inspire total apathy
Balthayzr> It's not often we get a movie where everyone's the Wormy Guy.
BEMaven> "i didn't know what to do her clothes, soooo...."
Bice> "...I put them on and paraded around the beach"
Balthayzr> Paul Lynde demonstrates an early version of Clooney's headbob-smirk School of Acting.
BEMaven> yes, i hear it. they're force feeding the therimin to paul lynde.
Ironf> The sound of the underwater air-biscuit calls to him like a yell from his mother
BryanL> Lorelei's omniscience saves the day!
Balthayzr> "It'll never work out, Bonehead. You're parents are WASPS, mine are sea bass..."
BEMaven> he must be the designated drunk for this AIP film.
Bice> Taking the snatch to the booby house. This is the dirtiest movie *ever*.
Ironf> snatch at the boobie house, how did it get there?
Balthayzr> OK, so the whole plot is just a sub=plot to the singing and sky-diving.
Cthulhu> That plane was painted at a barber pole plant.
BEMaven> Point Blank. the director's instructions to the actresses.
BryanL> So, this would be what... 18, maybe 19% pure adrenaline?
BEMaven> what a rush....to the theater exits.
Balthayzr> I'm sensing a lack of both Beach Blankets and Bingo in this movie.
BEMaven> ...and Jaws comes and bites his ass off.
BryanL> You know, when I've lost track of the plot to a beach movie, something's gone horribly wrong.
Balthayzr> Nice to see the Safety Helmet floats.
BryanL> Beach Baywatch Bingo.
BEMaven> 'a medallion? hell, i wanted to pull off her top.'
Balthayzr> Oh, no! Greg lost the Tiki Idol and wiped out during the surf contest!!
Ironf> It's always good when mermaids give change
BryanL> The danger makes them reeeeally horny.
BEMaven> ...and the Monkees feel a song coming on.
Balthayzr> I think the only reason Zipper's in these films is because someone got a box of old cartoon sound FXs and wanted to use them all.
Bice> Again with the booby house.
Balthayzr> He snatched her to his boobie house.
BEMaven> apparently, the villains have percussion instruments for vital organs.
Bice> Ah, the wacky chase scene. You knew it was coming, and now here it is.
BryanL> Imagine how much longer the movie would be without the undercranking... and thank the director.
Djenk> Bryan: Undercranking?
BryanL> Undercranking the camera, hence the speeding up and the thing and the lady and HOIL!
Plumm> And this guy pretty much bathes in crank.
Plumm> Driving Von Zipper.
Balthayzr> And Zipper catches a ride with Mitchell.
Ironf> plop
my-crow-soft> he movie is just full of plops
my-crow-soft> oh.. no shrinkage
Balthayzr> Uh, I did not need to see him adjust himself, thank you.
Djenk> Scatalogical humour, just what we needed at this juncture
BEMaven> yes, but the director had to overcrank Paul Lynde before each scene.
Balthayzr> You wonder why Hal Roach lived so long? So he could watch a majority of these people die before him.
BryanL> It's Kramer's dad.
Balthayzr> This is one of the weirdest lobotomies I've ever seen.
Bice> Sugar Boobies. New from Nabisco.
BryanL> It's nice to see that bikers and surfers can unite against their common foe... the weard, undercharacterized, sloppily-accented Booby Guy.
BEMaven> the operation game? perfect for bikers with no genitals.
Plumm> Frankie, your not PArker Lewis shutthefuckup.
Balthayzr> I always saw Zipper as a leg man.
BEMaven> ha, ha. he fell into the clutches of a split screen.
Plumm> So, that's the third Lembeck Party movie we've done now?
Cthulhu> Linda Evens????
BEMaven> a good cast deserves Panavision.
Balthayzr> Do the Credit Spaz!
BryanL> And, we return to the, ahem, titular premise of the movie.
Cthulhu> I wish that Lemback didn't stay.
Balthayzr> And now, Anorexia Beach Theatre presents.....
Plumm> Lembeck is the only one in all seven or wjhatever i think
BryanL> There's the fur bikini, back for a reprise.
BEMaven> pathecolor? couldn't spell pathetic.
Cthulhu> Buster... don't try... please!
Balthayzr> And Buster gets some.
BEMaven> it took two guys to write this. two guys and one bed.
Balthayzr> Lesson: If you make a lot of old silent movies, invest your money wisely, or play second fiddle to "Bonehead" and "Boobie snatch".


"Oh, a smartnik."
"Now that's pretty tacky."
"A girl's job is in the kitchen."
"We'll give them the finger now."
"I'm gonna take ya to my booby house."


Paul Aloysius Lynde was born in 1926, the son of a steelworker. His father, on the other hand, worked as a waitress at a local diner. This early inversion of traditional parental gender roles had to have an affect on the young thespian's formative years. After having a torrid affair with Charlotte Rae as an undergrad at Northwestern, he moved to New York, confident he'd find the aggressively butch roles to which a man of his masculine mannerisms was entitled. Entering the man's world of musical theatre, he made a name for himself singing, dancing, and lisping his way through all sorts of musicals, culminating in a triumphant two-year reign on "The Perry Como Show." Mr. Lynde then went to L.A., rooming with Doris Day and Rock Hudson at an exclusive co-ed apartment complex in North Hollywood. Various small parts then followed. Lynde wittily referred to Beach Blanket Bingo as his "sea epic," neglecting to mention the V.D. training films he'd done for the Navy during World War II.

Of course, Lynde's greatest triumph came as the center square in "Hollywood Squares" throughout the 70s. Lynde and host Peter Marshall's greatest game show enemies at this time were the equally popular "Match Game '73" duo of Gene Rayburn and Charles Nelson Reilly. Rumors of a 1974 drunken slap-fight between Lynde and C.N. Reilly at a bar in San Francisco which left several innocent bystanders with scratched-out eyes have never been independently verified.

But after several incidences of public drunkeness, the end of "Hollywood Squares," and a failed stint on TV as Radioactive Man's archenemy, "The Scoutmaster," Lynde died in 1982 at the age of 55. America is poorer for having lost the icon who enabled men to act like men again.

"I'd love to do a movie and win an Oscar. There isn't an actor in the business who isn't lying if he says he wouldn't like to do that."

mgrasso forgot to fill in "FREE SPACE" on his beach blanket bingo card.