x72 BLACULA (2/1/98)

Director: William "Yo yo yo, What Up?" Crain
Writers: Raymond Koenig, Joan Torres
Producers: Samuel Z. "Legend" Arkoff, Joseph T. Naar

Children of the night, prepare to get groovy. Blacula, a lusciously sorry melting pot of both time-tested kid-approved horror AND blaxploitation cliches is here to crawl around your skull for a few hours. What we have here is the tragic tale of Mammawaldi (although written "Manuwalde"), a Shakespearean-trained African prince who becomes a vampire due to a passionate night of love with Vincent Price. Because of his shame, he hides in a wooden crate for several hundred years. Upon awakening, the first thing on his "to-do" list is to bite and undeadasize two extremely gay characters from "The Kids in the Hall". Then, it's a busy schedule of killing, romancing, wearing a cape, talking in a booming bassy voice, wearing big fake sideburns, sporting a painted-on widow's peak, and catching up on episodes of "Small Wonder". Enter the film's hepcat Van Helsing, a slow-witted turtleneck fan known only as John Gordon Shaft. John tends to restrict his investigating to puttering around the kitchen, and takes quite a while to notice that something's suspicious about that caped stranger. Suddenly, the movie screechs to a halt to make room for several dozen musical numbers. After this oasis from all the heart-pounding action, Blacula makes his way to some kinda factory/power plant sort of thing, indulges in a few railing kills, screams "I'm Dr Ted Nelson!" a lot, and has the good sense to kill himself. Blacula's sacrifice didn't stop the following year's sequel, "Scream, Blacula, Scream!", however. Elisha Cook, Jr. rounds out the cast as the mumbling worm with the hook hand.

Balthayzr> Vincent Price called. he wants his fey back.
dungarees> Juan Epsteincula, puerto rican jew vampire
nicklby> the guy on the right is so gay it's hurting my eyes
Balthayzr> Tonight's Episode - White Murder, Black Death!
ontor> Tonight's Episode: 'Lizabeth... I'm Coming to MURDER You!
shred> so they took a boat from the middle of Europe?
nicklby> ok, only Truman Capote used a cigarette holder in the 70s, that's been documented
ontor> remember when NBC tried to launch a series based on the bumbling adventures of the two fey guys?
Balthayzr> If this guy minces any more, he's gonna grow wings and go to Never-Never land.
dungarees> Mental note: crab walking is not an effective means of escaping vampires..
BillBear> It's perfectly natural for electrical impulses to cause a hand to reach out and grasp the edge of the coffin. You'd be surprised how often it happens.
dungarees> What that shirt needs is ruffles and a big ass bowtie
ontor> why do they keep using that "when you hear this sound... turn the page" sound effect?
Ironf> now they clearly just threw a red sock over the end of the camera for that effect.
dungarees> So brother man doesn't even get the cool flying version of vampirism? I'm tellin you, even the undead brother is kept down by the man
BillBear> Boy, Blacula really hit the ground running didn't he? No pesky figuring out what being a vampire is all about.
Balthayzr> Was a turtleneck Standard black executive wear back then?
ontor> she's a local rep for the Big Freakin' Afro Association.
shred> Nothing sets off a powder-blue cape like a stylish red handbag.
dungarees> And now, a sad jive interlude
Ironf> Where can a soulful brother get a bite in this town?
Balthayzr> Why is it Sepia Tone outside?
shred> Flip Wilson, grumpy undertaker.
THX-1138> Union 76 - for all your blaxplotation gas needs.
dungarees> So she doesn't remember that her assailant was wearing a frickin' robin's egg blue cape?
cthulhu> The Fearless Vampire Hunters Meet Black Belt Jones.
Ironf> You will remember the love melody from "Blacula"
shred> you know...wearing a turtleneck in a vampire movie is very, very smart.
nicklby> now, there's a great line to avoid spending the night ... "If I stay, I die."
BillBear> We just got the last transmission from the dead officer, sir. He said "I shot him six times!"
Balthayzr> The children of the night......what rap music they make.
dungarees> Say what you will about Blacula, but I could listen to him say mellifluous all day long
THX-1138> Check out Huggy Bear's phat collars.
shred> those collars are aerodynamically improbable.
Djenk> Roundtree the Vampire Slayer!
dungarees> Fortunately he can blame the fact that he doesn't show up in the photo on the extreme reflectiveness of her pants
nicklby> this is a Quentin Tarantino wet dream, right?
ontor> I will no longer answer to my slave name, "Reggie". From now on, MAMMA WALDI!
cthulhu> Kolchak has gotten into the Blaxploitation scene.
BillBear> Hmm...I think there's a vampire loose, but I won't suspect the creepy guy who just showed up and wears a cape all the time.
Merlynn> That meat hook would probably be very useful in fighting off vampires.
THX-1138> There's some odd freudian thing going on when you have women call you mamma.
dungarees> The King of the Underworld drives an Impala, who'da thought?
BillBear> He called vampire tech support: "Hello? Yes, I'm having trouble turning into a bat..."
Balthayzr> "Have you tried re-booting? Have you called Microsoft?"
BillBear> "No, I've been a vampire for 100 years, but I've been locked in a coffin...yes, I'll hold."
cthulhu> Hello swinging children of the night. Ahhhh Yeah.
ontor> Bloody Mary. Cause he's an VAMPIRE! AHAHAHAHAHA!
shred> MC Mammawaldi, please don't hurt him.
THX-1138> The studio tried to sell Blacula capes after this, but they didn't sell too well.
BillBear> Ride your big wheels! If you spot the vampire, spin out and haul ass the other way! That's an order!
cthulhu> Nope... no blood sucking fiends around here... Move along.
dungarees> Why does that mean old Gordon want to begrudge Tina a little romantic razzmatazz of the night?
Balthayzr> Place is awfully clean for the typical abandoned factory.
BillBear> That plant will never got ISO-9002 certified with those kinds of safety hazards.
Djenk> You know, I guess he didn't read that inter-dept memo about shooting vampires
dungarees> This music may think it sneaks up on you and says boo, but it really annoys the shit out of you pretty constantly
Ironf> you don't wanna play by my rules, so I'm taking my cape and going home.
BillBear> Of course, the sun isn't as damaging on black vampire skin.
Balthayzr> I learned big afros are no defense against the undead.
dungarees> I learned that Blacula's cape was found 50 feet away and of normal color
ontor> I learned that turtlenecks were de rigeur for 70s Shaft-like types.
cthulhu> I learned that Vampires are the real reason for many of the promblems of America's inner cities.
Djenk> I learned that the harpsichord just aint got da funk
nicklby> I learned that vampires ordering Bloody Marys just ain't funny
BillBear> I learned that there was a time when popular black music actually had singing in it, but that it wasn't any better.
Balthayzr> I learned how NOT to fill out a soundtrack album.
Ironf> I learned that a turtle neck is too a good defence against a vampire.
ontor> I also learned that Torgo's theme does NOT need to be re-interpreted for a new audience
Balthayzr> I lerned that Dracula was controling the slave trade.
THX-1138> I learned how to do the Blacula.
Djenk> You learned how fall down and disintegrate in the sun?

"Until the black flesh rots from your bones!"
"Who the hell you callin' an imbecile?"
"Aheheheheh. That's ridiculous!"
"Oh my, look at that face. What happened?"
"No crap! I didn't get it."
"Hey mammawaldi, let me buy that ol cape from ya, brutha!"
"You know he is a straaaaanngge dude."
"Tina, this isn't some nut from a Halloween party!"