x62 BLOODSPORT (1/20/98)

Directed by
Newt "Jade" Arnold 
Written by
Mel "Deadlocked: Escape from Zone 14" Friedman 
Music by
Paul "Street Justice" Hertzog

Ever see a kung-fu fighting movie? If so, you have seen this one too. Bloodsport was the cause for the late 80's/early 90's upswing of back alley fighting contest movies. Following the life of Frank Dux, this movie shows the pain of his being. Frank and his friends were harassing the local Asian family by breaking and entering one day, when they found that the old man had some kitanas. Well kids being kids, they just had to take them off the stand and play with them. Well, Asian McAsia comes home early, so the kids drop the blades and run. Young Franky stops to place them back on thier stand and the boy of the family come in and kicks his ass. It just so happens that the old man is a kung-fu master and he agrees to teach Frank since he was so nice to the swords. Franks learns and later goes off to the Army. Then one day, he goes home and the old man is really sick, possible dying, so Frank goes to fight in the Kumati. That is the seedy backroom tourney that takes place every year. He meets "Ogre" from the Nerds movies and they hit it off and become friends. Ogre gets hurt real bad by the present champ while Jean is wooing and doing a reporter. Jean vows revenge and ohh you know the rest. Geez all these movies are the same. Please shoot me, please.

Q> sushi is up
andre> I'm cleaning away smegma, colonel.
Ironf> Oh no we're out of urinal cakes!
Jamie> So, within 2 minutes, our hero goes AWOL.
mgrasso> the courtship of eddie father 2: bloodsport
monkeyfingers> wax on wax off......Wait kid get out I'm taking my spounge bath
dungarees> Is this dubbed? What is up with the sound?
mgrasso> that's one long-ass flashback
ACTION: Q can't remember the name of the gay French photographer who always took strange technicolor pictures of guys in sailor suits, but bets van damme's current outfit is that guy's wet dream
Jamie> But, I am turning Japanese. I really think so!
dungarees> Yes...a buffalo shot montage, that's JUST what I needed
mgrasso> and the deadly lotus batch style
andre> man, the million eyes of su-maru seems like a richly nuanced epic compared to this.
Q> well this'll come in handy if he ever has to work for someone at a restaurant for the blind...the hell???
Jamie> So, Jean can see with his eyes closed, but he's still a white belt?
mgrasso> and the value of having no groin muscles to speak of as they are sheared apart
Q> okay, the rope trick was impressive. now i'm going to cut out your spleen with this sword, and i don't want you to feel any pain
andre> the next training requirement is that I tug at your ears with needlenose pliers.
Ironf> Have you seen the Alpha Beta house?
andre> nice pastel blue jacket, ogre
Q> so, this guy is number thirty-eight grandson?
mgrasso> i think hong kong pimps are the greatest pimps in the whole world!
dungarees> Hey, watch the hand, Ogre...it's not that way between us
andre> they need to find Apollo Creed
Jamie> Make Your Own Arab Costume From Everyday Items -- read how!
Ironf> Ogre, "Your....kung-fu.....is the best."
mg> ogre:beer::jeanclaude:splits
andre> You got a purty mouth, Jean-Claude
Q> boy, those japanese steak house chefs get more elaborate every year, don't they?
andre> Hopefully Ogre will die, and Jean Claude will have to avenge the death of his Apollo Creed-like special companion.
mg> spread out that blood stain, you! pick up those teeth!
andre> A glass of wine, candles, a retarded belgian. How romantic.
Ironf> Another disapointment in the bed for the woman whith jean Claude.
dungarees> No. I forbid flashbacks to big hair band music.
andre> so why the sudden bus freakout scene?
Ironf> Yes you have a limber crotch, get over it.
Q> whoah...i got sooooo toasted last night...
Jamie> I really think they should require more flamboyant pants.
dungarees> Hey hey hey...bad touch if I ever saw one
Ironf> good thing Ogre can see both of them without moving his head.
dungarees> Maybe Jean CLaude doesn't realize that he's supposed to be kung foo fighting
andre> I love you Ogre.
andre> let's make sweet love.
dungarees> SO did we learn anything, or are we too bitter?
andre> I feel too violated to learn anything.
andre> However, I did learn that it is possible for a belgian to love an Ogre unconditionally.
Ironf> I learned that it wasn't so much the movie that stank, but the real Frank Dux's life that sucked.
andre> I also learned that doing splits and ripping apart your groin CAN be beneficial.
dungarees> And that blindfolded table service is not necessarily depraved

"Aren't you a little young for full contact?"
"You wanna go again, huh?"
"Asia's a very big place, you know"
"Like a cockfight, except it's with people"
"They love asians, because we are goodlooking"
"You good. Good. Good."
"You sound like my mother."
"Right on!"
"Up! Up!"
"So you stomped him real good, huh Franky."
"Don't you get too cocky..."

CRAPPY TRIVIA: This film is bases on the true life story of Frank Dux who was the first American to win the Kumita. The whereabouts of the Asian wormy guy, however, are not known.

Billy Cardwell took 32 shots to the groin before he whimpered out the code for this page