x35 THE BEASTMASTER (11/28/97)

Writers: Don Coscarelli, Paul Pepperman
Director: Don Coscarelli
Producer: Paul Pepperman, Sylvio Tabet

"Beastmaster." Esperanto for "pain." In a stunning opening sequence, Marc Singer is born of a virgin cow and borne gifts by three wise ferrets. Then he grows to talk to the ferrets and have them rip the flesh (Grrrrrr!) of Rip Torn. Meanwhile, the kid from Voyager, an eagle, a large black man, a spray-painted tiger, and an old blind guy round out the BM's menagerie. Then, everything is brown for a couple of hours. Brownish, variously oiled men and women gad about with swords and talk to animals for many years, all leading to a climatic fire at the end, in which all involved try to purge themselves of any involvement with this movie. This tantric beast magick would last until Turner wafted 20 bucks at the cast and crew and they all came running to make Beastmaster 2.

BryanL> Ah, TNT. The all Beastmaster channel.
Ironf> where every night is a nitro night.
bowleg> all portals of time, all the time.
Jamie> Is that the Beastmaster? The MGM Lion?
Ironf> Caw, caw I've got to get to Ladyhawk auditions.
Jamie> I've never seen this, actually.
BryanL> Well, Jamie, remember The Forest Warrior?
BryanL> Well, imagine that with loincloths.
bowleg> Rip Torn IS Some Guy!
bowleg> Rip's eyebrows are working overtime.
bowleg> So you don't have to.
bowleg> nice putty nose, Rip.
Jamie> Just wave a scarecrow at Rip, and he'll go cawing off.
THX-1138> Karl Malden nose prosthetic, available at your local Wal-Mart.
KevinL> Calgon, take him away!
Jamie> Take him away take him away take him away now!
bowleg> Jamie, you've exceeded your Chili Pepper quota for the night.
Jamie> Can I at least say this cast looks like they have Fleas?
Djenk1> 50 things not to do with your new Casio keyboard
Q> btw, i'm on tnt - should i be seeing some woman giving birth on lsd?
Jamie> A dramatic reenactment of the McCaughey septuplet birth.
BryanL> Burn, baby burn. Beastmaster inferno.
bowleg> ok, we get the point. You're an evil witch. Please stop cackling and going overboard with your gimmick.
KevinL> That must be the Bonfire of the Inanities.
Jamie> Ancient Selfologists.
Q> and lo, the spirit of the cow came upon her, and although she was a virgin, she was conceived of a son. and she named him beastmaster, as the little piggies had told her to do
bowleg> meanwhile, in the land of Gor.
THX-1138> Caution: Witch contains gas. Keep away from flames.
Q> the baby born to be king: he's the only one who doesn't have shit all over him
Jamie> Meanwhile, on Jim Henson's Cave Dwellers Babies...
BryanL> The Young Beastmaster Chronicles.
BryanL> The rest of the village touches beasts "down there", if you know what I mean.
Jamie> Gabby hasn't aged well.
BryanL> So, he's the Breastmaster?
Ironf> At least his dog is not a gay homosexual.
bowleg> What's that? Dad's caught? Down in Dull Beige Canyon?
[dog] Ruff Ruff! I'm being oppressed!
Jamie> Teddy Roosvelt's Combination Skin Riders.
Jamie> Marc's gotta protect his boxed set of V: The Series videos from these barbarians.
BryanL> Beastmaster wakes and bakes every morning.
bowleg> yay! impalings!
Jamie> They mistook the hero for a piece of lumber, so they didn't crucify him.
Jamie> Donner, party of 500!
THX-1138> The McDonald's logo is the god's mark?
bowleg> since when are "the gods" involved?
Djenk1> The gods of Haynes Briefs have put thier mark on you.
Jamie> The Judds?
BryanL> That's the early version of the Thightmaster.
* Jamie still likes MANIMAL better.
Jamie> Are those Magic Otters?
KevinL> The ferrets bit his sack.
bowleg> ferrets stole my baby!
bowleg> marc singer, for all your mark hamill lite needs.
Q> ugh - someone needs to write "wash me" in that tiger's fur
KevinL> He's asking for Growl Mix Panther Food by name.
bowleg> what's with the giant ceiling-mounted glowing testicles?
BryanL> I think they're just scared by his prominent Singerian batch.
bowleg> as long as the eagle doesn't dropkick anyone.
Jamie> Is this part of the new Charismatic Catholic movement?
BryanL> I think it's telling that a half-naked Marc Singer can keep me awake nights.
KevinL> So THAT'S where all the Slave Leias have gone!
* bowleg cries out for a color besides brown. and light beige....
Ironf> This is almost CNN
BryanL> Marc Singer squatting over a log. Kind of says it all, doesn't it.
Jamie> For Marc's First Labor, he must clean his own stables.
Jamie> This is taking the evening's gay Mormon motif to a whole nother level.
BryanL> The Towel of Pooh.
bowleg> The focus group for this thing demanded more squatting. They needed to edit more in.
Jamie> Dar's LSD blocks him up.
* bowleg does the hellcats tripping guy routine
bowleg> squatting. Me, I can't get enough of it.
BryanL> Thing. With the flying. Why aren't I asleep? Chest. Singer batch. Squat.
KevinL> This is where Spielberg got the inspiration for Amistad.
BryanL> So, when do they get to Castle Greyskull again?
* bowleg looks and movie and confirms the presence of brown
BryanL> It's the City of the Lazy Aztecs.
KevinL> The Laztecs, as it were.
Ironf> or Leztecs.
Q> isn't laztec one of those new age laxatives?
Jamie> Boy, Beastmaster University has a weak Fencing Club.
bowleg> no, still the Gimp.
Jamie> Is this that "Alternative Lifestyles Tennis Network" from Conan O'brien's show?
* bowleg notices that the Beastmaster persists on continuing
Jamie> This was the pilot for Gimp: The Series.
THX-1138> Nobody Tiresias.
bowleg> Uhh, It's?
Ironf> Already been done Bow
* bowleg hangs head in shame
KevinL> Actually, the old guy was a Beastmaster once. Living proof that if you master beasts too much, you go blind.
bowleg> gonna cry, huh, beastmaster, gonna cry!?!
Ironf> He saw an old Indian throw down a paper cup.
Jamie> Shouldn't this be over by now?
KevinL> This movie is fairly adamant in it's desire not to end.
Jamie> The villain's name is Kleenex?!
bowleg> Now with Aloe!
Ironf> I just have to say it again. Pippy Long torn just doesn't make a good villian.
Ironf> Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead.
Jamie> At least Rip's spared the embarrassment of the sequel.
Ironf> Or is he?????
Jamie> Now that's just humiliating.
bowleg> man, done in by a ferret.
bowleg> he gave his life so that we might live.
THX-1138> He really isn't dead, as long as we remember him.
Jamie> Woo-hoo! Ferret BBQ!
Jamie> Now, ending number two.
bowleg> wherever he is, Podo will always be in our hearts.
Jamie> And our tummies.
bowleg> Oh god. More movie?!
*** JohnLennon (?@stl-wa9-06.ix.netcom.com) has joined #MST-HomeGame
*** JohnLennon was kicked by bowleg
bowleg> I don't know why i did that.
bowleg> I accuse this movie.
Jamie> Marc Singer is considered a genius in France.
bowleg> another dull day dawns.
Jamie> Sand? You're soaking in it.
Jamie> The Druids. Nobody knows who they are, or where they came from... except The Beastmaster.
Jamie> Oh, no. What is this, The Inedible Journey? END ALREADY!
bowleg> Tanya Roberts will be back in Breast Police 3: The Nudening
Jamie> So, What did we learn from the movie?
Jamie> Okay, I abandon all pretense. I learned nothing. I wasn't even paying attention.
bowleg> I learned that I should avoid vaguely defined medieval times that are constantly brown

"I was told you are planning a child sacrifice..."
"We are surrounded by that damnable tar sludge."
"Now they'll drain his blood... and damage his brain..."
"Now we are dead."

bowleg> Godo?
BryanL> "Kodo". Means "Covered in Crap".
bowleg> and Podo?
* bowleg kills movie
Jamie> Godo! Will Godo fling crap at him?
BryanL> Podo means "not covered in crap".
bowleg> alternately, "covered in much more crap"
BryanL> Few people realize this, but Dar's people have over 300 words for varying degrees of being covered in crap.
KevinL> Is Kodo gonna start playing the Japanese drums?
BryanL> He had three ferrets, but after Todo died, Dar used his skin to make lists on.
KevinL> Actually he had four, but Frodo lost a finger.
Ironf> Five but Dodo is dead.
BryanL> Actually, he had six, but he named two of them the same, and was up all night with his Nodos.
KevinL> Actually, he had 7, but dirtbikes made Modo cross.
Jamie> When does Marc visit his mentor, Yodo?
Jamie> To make it thru the movie I could use some Nodo -ze.
BryanL> Did that one already, Jamie.
KevinL> Well, he could probably use one of those Fodo's travel guides.
Jamie> Don't make such a big Todo, Bryan.
BryanL> Jamie: Did that one too. :)
KevinL> Everyone's doing what Yodo, bry.
KevinL> You should be flattered.
Ironf> Whodo voodo? Youdo voodo.
bowleg> the power of voodoo.
* BryanL hates his brother.
KevinL> Sodo the others.
KevinL> I'm sorry to keep doing these, but I have to fill a Quodo.
* Jamie runs to South Africa. Sowodo.
Jamie> Ah. But I said Todo as in to-do.
Jamie> Don't make such a big Todo.
BryanL> So, you said To do, whereas I said To do.
BryanL> To Do list. Get it?
Ironf> to do to do lets call the whole thing off.
Jamie> weak.
BryanL> Bah. My kung fu is better than yours.
KevinL> He's a master of the Two Laughing Ferrets style of Kung Fu.
Jamie> My Jodo is better than yours.
* BryanL is above more ferret name jokes.
KevinL> BryanL is out of ferret name jokes.
KevinL> I, on the other hand, have a Lodo.
Ironf> If he got a job, he could make some Modo.
THX-1138> Or a neighbor Totoro.
KevinL> A shit-Lodo, as it were.
* bowleg runs out of the room screaming
* BryanL holds moral high ground
Jamie> Me too. Got my Modo rising.
KevinL> I'm gonna go git a Sodo, brb.
Ironf> When she gets to the castle, she goes in the Hodo.
BryanL> Bah. I laugh at you from my moral high ground.
BryanL> And anyway, I'm too proud to mention his special shapechanging ferret.
Jamie> Too obvious, Bryan.
BryanL> Oh, who are you to judge me.
Jamie> He's gonna name his monkeys Sprodo and Chim-Chim.
BryanL> Sprodo?
BryanL> Ten yard penalty. Overstretching.
KevinL> Marc Singer was pissed off at losing a part to Brandon Lee. He coulda used some of that Crowdo.
BryanL> Dammit, Kevin! You chodo-smoker.
KevinL> Am I pissing you off, Brodo?
Jamie> Are those pods made of Glo-Do?
KevinL> They're making fertilizer, to help the plants Growdo.
bowleg> that's it.
* bowleg commits seppuku
Jamie> Rip's in a Moodo, isn't he?
Jamie> I know it's been said before, but Singer is a Loado.
KevinL> He's got his ferrets lined up in a Rodo.
BryanL> I liked that joke, Kevin. I'm a Rodo Rooter.
KevinL> This movie's going pretty Slodo.
KevinL> Hey, an ad for Bodo's.
Jamie> Y'all have Bodo's?
KevinL> Yup.
KevinL> If, that is, by Bodo's you mean Border's.
Jamie> no.
Jamie> Bodo's Bagels.

Jamie Plummer eats Odos oat-flavored cereal.