x45 MOONRAKER (12/16/97)

Director: Lewis "Don't Know Any Sullivan" Gilbert
Writer: Christopher "Drift" Wood
Produce: Albert R. "Chopping" Broccoli, William P. Cartlidge, Michael G. Wilson

Maybe I'm spoiled by truth in advertising rules, but this movie is ridiculous! There is absolutely no moonraking what so ever! In fact, there is no action, if you can it that, anywhere near the moon until the last half-hour. In all actuallity, they should have called this thing, "NEVER AGING SECRET AGENT WHO DOESN'T USE A SECRET IDENTITY WHICH SHOULD MAKE IT EASIER FOR VILLAINS TO FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS GETS IT ON WITH A WOMAN WITH A SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE NAME AND TAKES ON A METAL MOUTH EEGAH, AN ASIAN MOE, AND A GOATEED EVIL GUY MOSTLY ON LAND, BUT LATER BRIEFLY IN SPAAAAAACE." The clear highlight on the film is not the zero-gravity sex scene in which Bond attempts "re-entry," but rather the oh-so romantic moments (complete with slo-motion, instrumental music, and champagne) between Eegah "Jaws" Shaka, played by Richard Kiel, and Heidi. If you love freak-love, you'll enjoy this.

bowedgreg> da da DA CRAP!
bond06.jpg Q> thank you for flying untied artists, i mean, airlines
bowedgreg> da da DA SLEAZE!
Ironf> oddly enough that guy always wears goggles and a parachute
HasNoName> They boxed the screen on all four sides.
Jamie> Moonraker? Isn't that an elderly astronaut wandering around the moon with a metal detector looking for spare change?
Q> ho-hum, this is so cliched. doesn't every action film have a slutty french helicopter pilot?
* Q sings the phantom of the opera theme to those chandeliers
monkeyfingers> To quote big bird "Sunney days, taking the clouds away" Mr. Bond
bowedgreg> Moe Howard IS Fu Manchu!
HasNoName> This movie taught Tim Curry a lot about accents.
Bice> He's hooking up illegal cable!
THX-1138> How many tickets was it for this ride again?
bowedgreg> da da DA VOMIT!
monkeyfingers> now entering the speed of lint
Bice> James Bond, dressed to Disco!
bowedgreg> da da DA FOREPLAY!
HasNoName> He's playing safe cracker on his game boy.
bowedgreg> Hey, there hasn't been any moonraking yet.
Ironf> fired and she had to sleep with Bond, Brutal
Bice> Don't *any* of the women in this movie wear bras?
bond08.jpg THX-1138> Bond's pimped out gondola with Bose sound system to play theme music.
Ironf> Well it's not a forklift, but it will hafta do.
Ironf> And it was after that horrific lab accident that the man before you became Dr. Octopus
Djenk1> They're smuggling tap water!
bowedgreg> da da DA ASPHYXIATION!
Q> he's being attacked by a rabid umpire!
Djenk1> Does the bad guy only employ 1 murederous henchman?
Baalzamon> wild sex!
Djenk1> more like mild sex...
Baalzamon> she died of boredom!
Bice> My, that's a phallic island.
Sampo> Oh James, white after labor day?
Ironf> Bond has a lounge act he is late for.
dungarees> And I am Mr. Rourke, your host
Ironf> Look Big gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Baalzamon> Bond...single-handedly spreading AIDS to every country
Q> remember when you were a kid, and used to put the shiny part of a gum wrapper over your teeth to pretend you had braces? i think this guy took it one step too far
THX-1138> Has there even been a shot of the moon yet!!!
bond11.jpg Jamie> This is one of those INTENSELY SLOW action movies.
HasNoName> I kick Arse for the Lord!
Q> a fistful of fransiscans
Jamie> I think the decision to have no dialogue for long stretches was a brave one.
Sampo> And now, I am required to explain my entire plan and how to foil it
bowedgreg> we spared no expense with our 5 1/4 floppy technology.
Jamie> Oh no, he's making hm watch Moonraker!
Ironf> Just one more thing Mr. Bond, Are you ready for some football !?!
bowedgreg> well, at least the word "moonraker" is being used.
dungarees> So, doll, can this compare to your orgasms with me? I thought not.
Djenk1> In the not to distant future, next Tuesday AD...there was a guy named Bond...
THX-1138> The computer's malfunctioning and it's set us for a course straight for the sun!
Sampo> I like her cute Emperor Ming outfit
* HasNoName takes off his shoes...for industry!
Q> whoah - they built the whole station out of space legos
* Jamie is unclear on when Jaws turned into a good guy.
bowedgreg> My god, it's full of dull.
dungarees> IT's the daisy fuentes FAQ, ok? *sob*
Djenk1> More Problems at MIR, film at 11
Djenk1> Floyd Laser Light Show: This time its personal...
BillDoor> Rip Taylor just exploded apparently.
Q> oh my god...it's...full of glitter
bond13.jpg Baalzamon> despite recent developments, NASA insists that MIR is fully operational. The dead astronauts were a freak accident
Jamie> Wow, sound carries well through glass and plastixc and vacuum.
bowedgreg> da da DA I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
Baalzamon> YES!!!!! I saw the moon!!!!!
dungarees> Yes! Sex in zero G!
Jamie> Doug Lleweyllen, chief of NASA
bowedgreg> I learned I can say da da DA _____ over and over, and no one will stop me.
BillDoor> I learned that big space stations have to rotate to have gravity, but space shuttles don't, unless you naked.
dungarees> I learned that not being able to show up on time for this was probably a good thing
Djenk1> I learned the Bond Villans still haven't learned to just SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY!!!
bowedgreg> I learned that Roger Moore is basically a big jerk. And yeah, HTML editing is much more exctining, too.
HasNoName> I learned they used real space marines in this.
bond14.jpg BillDoor> I learned that cashews, turkey herky, and cream stout is probably not a nutritionist-approved meal.

The world is ensconced in sequel spirit, and Moonraker can be considered the sequel of a sequel of a sequel, etc. The creation the Bond franchise means the creation of certain rules which must be followed in order to ensure the continuing survival of said franchise.

Rule 1) Bond must be a better sky-bodysurfer than anypne oin the X-Games.
Rule 2) Bond never gets any STD`s
Rule 3) Bond *must* have an opening escapde only tangentially related to the rest of the movie, if at all, just to show how much of a badass he is.
Rule 4) Bond must have at least one small, hidden gadget that makes absolutely no goddam sense.
Rule 5) The villain must lamely quote literary figures.
Rule 6) Evil guy must have pets.
Rule 7) All major women must have dirty names (see Pussy Galore, Plenty O'Toole, Dr. Goodhead, and others)
Rule 8) Bond must have a suit on at every moment no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
Rule 8a) Said suit never gets wet or exhibits signs of wear and/or tear.
Rule 9) Bond's would be assasins must find a way not to kill Bond no matter the advantage in speed or technology.
Rule 10) The villain must always tell him his plan before killing him.
Rule 11) Villain will leave Bond to die in a novel way and not concern himself with maybe KILLING HIM FIRST OR WATCHING HIM DIE!!!

"Take good care of Mr. Bond. See that some harm comes to him."
"Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python? I discovered it had a crush on me."
"The trouble is there's never a 70 year old around when you need one..."
"Mr Bond... Dr GoodHead... I bid you farewell..."
"First... a necklace of death around the earth!"
"It stopped rotating!"
"My god, what's Bond doing?" "I think he's attempting reentry, sir"

CRAPPY FACTS: Lois Chiles had originally been offered the role of Anya in The Spy Who Loved Me, but turned down the part when she decided to take temporary retirement. She got the role of Mary Goodhead by chance when she was given the seat next to Lewis Gilbert on a flight.
Drax' Venice laboratory has an electronic lock on it. The sequence which unlocks the door is the hailing tune from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977).
Bond leaves Venice in either spring or summer, and arrives in Rio during Carnivale, which is February or early March.
"Filmed at Pinewood Studios (London) and on location in Italy, Brazil, Guatemala, U.S.A. and Outer Space!"

This lesson in tough love given to you by THX-1138.