Written, directed, and produced by Arch ("Mom kept saying I'd poke an eye out") Oboler
Associate Producer: Sydney ("Mom kept saying the Reptilicus would get me") Pink
It took a rare kind of courage to make the first movie shot in color 3-D. Superstitious studio wags insisted that Man was never meant to see the full depth of Jane Russell's bust. Soothsayers warned that a stereoscopic projection of Moe Howard's two-finger eye jab would rip the very fabric of time and space. Thumbing his nose at convention, Arch Oboler cobbled together a 3-D jungle adventure that cunningly played on two elements common to children's nightmares: stuffed animals and stock footage.
Into this fever dream he deposits an over-intoxicated, under-nourished Robert Stack, future star of 'The Untouchables' and 'Unsolved Mysteries'. Stack plays a entrepreneur who brazenly constructs a miniature golf course in the heart of the African veldt. To make it stand out from other miniature golf courses in Africa, he installs an exact replica of the train from 'Shining Time Station'. This attracts a savage pair of celebrity lion impersonators who maul guests and employees alike and leave the bodies stuffed with rags. Bwana Stack must face the two beasts with little more than his double-action firearm and his single-reaction wife. The lions eventually die from lack of motivation and Stack celebrates by downing a kegger and marking out his territory.
LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH
Bice> In honor of the 5th anniversary of Frank Zappa's passing: I am Bwana Dik! Me Bwana Dik!
BEMaven> people who live behind glass credits...
Bice> These credits are looking pretty 3-D, even without the glasses.
Ironf> GAH watch the spear!
BEMaven> ...i think we're listening to peter gabriel in therapy.
Ironf> The first filmed urban legend.
Bice> A Tiger? In Africa?!?!
Ironf> Did I ever tell you of the time I killed 3 elephants with a trumpet?
Bice> Wow, that teapot looks like it's floating in front of the TV screen! But then, I just ingested some funny mushrooms...
BEMaven> do they really want to use a train from a petting zoo?
Bice> I'm SCOTTISH, you know.
Ironf> So, shot this in one take, didn't they?
Ironf> Meet my mother, Tereasa.
* Bice was just about to say "Hey, that guy looks like Robert Stack..."
BEMaven> who, Bice? the one in the shawl?
BEMaven> he speaks effluent Swahili.
Bice> Stock footage...IN 3-D?
Ironf> Get back here, we have a bit of a mystery that's unsolved.
Bice> They weren't taking any chances with Stack's name..."Think he can remember 'Robert'?"
Ironf> DAMN YOU CAPONE! I'LL GET YOU!
BEMaven> 3D technology just to see Stack shit-faced?
Bice> o/~ Down by the riiiiver, I shot my baaaaaabeeee o/~
Ironf> it's entirely worth it.
BEMaven> what they need is a water tower with 3 country girls bathing in it.
* Bice has "City Limits" flashbacks.
Plumm> Robert Stack has a rich history of conspiracy entertainment.
BEMaven> actually, bice, i flashed back to Petticoat Junction.
Bice> I've never seen PJ, so I associate bathing in a water tower with CL.
BEMaven> "their contract didn't include a man-eating lion"? well, go out and buy one.
Ironf> I think I'm pretty safe in betting that all that was a made up language.
Bice> That guy's sideburns and moustasch look like an example of the theory of continental drift.
Ironf> When someone yells "HURRY UP" at me, I usually slowly walk to them too.
Bice> Monkey humpin' a branch. I needed to see that.
BEMaven> the first 3D home movie, it seems.
Bice> I see they didn't have much money to blow on the soundtrack.
Ironf> I think they wasted their money on 'blow'.
Bice> Heathen mush? They make mush out of heathens?
Ironf> Clarence NOOOOOOO.
Bice> What the hell just happened? The lion fired a bullet out its mouth?
BEMaven> 'help me bury him. we'll check for a pulse later.'
Ironf> I see Goofus still hasn't learnt to carry his rifle correctly.
BEMaven> oh, good. they brought in the Scots Shriner Guard.
Bice> Is someone torturing a monkey off screen?
Ironf> I would have to answer: possibly.
Bice> Fakey - I can see the string.
Bice> The gripping "staring at a goat" scene.
BEMaven> professor plum did it in the treehouse with a string.
Ironf> feheheh, the lion anally raped him.
Bice> Ian Anderson is invited to play at the funeral.
BEMaven> a scurvy lion? those poor bastards must have had lemons in their turbans.
Ironf> Old men sleeping....IN 3D!!!!!
Bice> That guys 'stash was only done like that so it would look dramatic in 3D.
BEMaven> that pole is practically leaping in my face.
Bice> I hate having a pole leap in my face...but I've said too much.
Bice> This soundtrack was done by three guys with violins and one cellist in the studio bathroom.
BEMaven> robert pauses, hestitant to disturb the rear screen projector in its habitat.
Plumm> have i missed anything?
Ironf> you missed a lion anally raping a guy.
Plumm> Is that from the J. Jonah Falcon fan club library, Ironf?
BEMaven> the scurvy lion rolls a native for orange juice.
Bice> You'd think these natives would be able to deal with a lion better...since they lived there their whole friggin' lives!
BEMaven> they're temps, Bice.
Bice> Ah. So they're returning to their jobs in the cheese factory, then.
BEMaven> "They could do with a few clean blankets."
Bice> He's offering to graciously throw in a washcloth.
Djenk> These must be short range spears....
Ironf> THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!
Bice> That one hunter seems to have Parkinsons.
BEMaven> unfortunately, they only hunt stuffed lions.
Ironf> Why are they holding long swords with a stick taped to the end?
Bice> The lion threw a stuffed animal at them and escaped.
Djenk> That wasn't a very effective strategy....
BEMaven> ...and the death toll mounts from Hot Potato.
Djenk> But running away is!
Plumm> Elliot Ness in King Solomon's Mines.
Djenk> How dare you mourn!!!
Ironf> little late to try to get luck from knocking on wood there, Stack.
Djenk> And Thomas continues on his run, unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.
BEMaven> right about now, we could use another shot of those 3 guys hiding in the reeds.
Bice> Mrs Bice: What is this, playschool's "My First Train"?
Ironf> Good King Friday is gonna be pissed that there are all those stowaways.
Djenk> Ladies and Gentlemen , "The Love Interest".....
BEMaven> good news! Chuck Heston is coming with his pet ants.
Bice> The train got stuck on the way and we had to wedge it out with her chin...
Djenk> Amazing....I knew the sitar was versatile, but I had no idea it sounded like a bad calliope.
Bice> When do the ewoks join the party?
BEMaven> theory: all the weird noises are coming from those stiff asses.
Bice> Real Africa...fake Africa.
Djenk> Bice: More like... fake Africa....other fake africa.
BEMaven> guy in the center has a touch of malaria. that's why he hugs himself.
Plumm> Until after... the BWANA HOLOCAUST!
Bice> GAMERA vs BWANA.
BEMaven> "I'm absolutely saturated with food."
Ironf> Tell me old fellow, did I ever tell you of the time I got out of a tiger pit using my shoelaces?
BEMaven> uh, huh. uh, huh. he's drunk again.
Bice> That must have been funnier in 3D.
Ironf> again? He's been drunk the whole time.
Ironf> They will probably want to get some lovin'.
BEMaven> not as funny as the lion making off with the stuffed dummy native.
Ironf> Are there tigers?
Ironf> Are there bears?
Plumm> Oh my!
Ironf> Oh my (/Sulu).
* THX-1138 has joined.
Bice> Only love pads the film.
Djenk> ewww, eyeball sucking...
THX-1138> She's making love to the camera.
Djenk> and the camera spurned her advances.
THX-1138> Ahhhh! The lion carpet is attacking me.
Bice> Wow, there's TWO killer stuffed animals.
BEMaven> say goodbye to Sir Larry, Sir Moe, and Sir Curly.
Ironf> Rub my tummy, DAMN YOU!
Bice> Oh, the carnage. There's blood and cotton stuffing everywhere!
THX-1138> No 3-D sex! What a rip off.
BEMaven> will you stop annoying Robert with your constant reports of dead friends?
Ironf> For the ending, they will have a little banner over one corner saying "UPDATE"
Djenk> Let this be a lesson: When you make love, your friends die....
Ironf> 'If you know the where abouts of this lion, please call 1-800-news-2us. And please do NOT try to apprehend him yourself.'
Bice> Ouch, lady, you can't tie it in a bow!
* THX-1138 eagerly anticipates monkey's throwing their feces in 3-D.
THX-1138> What? Something about a coke bottle?
Ironf> It's times like these I bet they wish they knew where Dan Haggerty was.
THX-1138> I hear they're gonna remake this with Tiny Lister.
Djenk> Translation: "You Die, Honkey"
THX-1138> "Panda wanna willy"?
BEMaven> was one of them wearing Mike Nesmith's cap?
Djenk> Bwana Stack is demonstrating as much competence at babysitting as he does at lion killing.
Bice> The dingos...ah, fergit.
BEMaven> the Easter Egg Hunt gets off track.
Ironf> My games of hide and seek never involved rifles.
Plumm> The dingos ate my film stock!
* Balthayzr has joined.
Balthayzr> of course, my cable chooses tonight to go bye-bye......
* Balthayzr sobs over missed "Bwana Devil" opportunity.
Ironf> you should have went with the MSTape crowd then Balth.
* Balthayzr spears ironf right there in the parking lot.
Djenk> Stalking the wild stock footage.
Bice> Earthquake...oh wait, that's just the stock footage shaking.
THX-1138> Is he gonna ride the ostrich like in Leo Pt. 6?
THX-1138> He's gonna shoot a hole in the blue screen.
BEMaven> should they be sitting so close to the theater screen?
Ironf> Stack's got crazy eyes now.
BEMaven> he's having visions of Robert Hays flying at him with a DC-9.
Djenk> Those bolt-action Carcano's are a bitch.
Bice> This is the least thrilling lion attack ever filmed.
* Djenk roots for the lion.
Ironf> Look, there's a second gunman on the grassy knoll.
THX-1138> The lion caught the bullet between his teeth!
Bice> Mrs Bice: (little kid voice) Mommy, he killed the Lion King!
Balthayzr> Dr. Tongue's 3-D House of Lion King.
Bice> It's a shame they couldn't afford a soundtrack *or* a plot.
WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN?
"It may interest you to know that I got this malaria in India."
"Their contract didn't include a man-eating lion."
"Did you see it man-eating?"
"I got him, all right, all right."
"Commissioner, may I introduce you to a hyena?"
"I'll bake some bread. I'll sift the flour. It'll be allright."
"I'd rather go out in the bush and be dead...I won't go."
"All the lions of Africa...dancing on our bones!"
"Hurt you, Devil!...Hurt you!"
MORE HEATHEN MUSH
Balthayzr> We got Ispep sign! And he's learned a new word!
Ironf> (Ironf) Yes dear, do you have a question?
Ironf> (Ispep) Yes, are you gay?
Ironf> (Ironf) looking for more dates I see. Interesting.
Ironf> (Ispep) no, I was wondering if you like man-goo.
Bice> Mr. Man-goo?
Balthayzr> Geez, he's not even on a channel. he just showed up to make goo-goo eyes at you, ironf.
Ironf> Hey, those are man-goo-goo eyes.
Balthayzr> MAN-GOO! From the makers of Nickelodeon Slime.
THX-1138> Isn't Man-Goo a superhero?
Ironf> maybe Goo-Man.
Plum> MAN-GOO! New from The Gap.
Balthayzr> Should we tell him about our secret channel, where we're MSTing a bootleg of Star Wars: Episode One?
Ironf> I'm secretly msting in my pants over a nude of Chase Masterson.
Plum> oooh, tell ispep that one!
|"A LION IN YOUR LAP!"
(The original tagline for this movie)