x28 CAPRICORN ONE (11/15/97)

Writer/Director: Peter Hyams
Producers: Paul Lazarus III

Cover-up? Conspiracy? Fake Mars landings? Gripping drama? A coherent story? If you are interested in such things, I can only advise you to stay far away from Capricorn One. A thin premise is stretched over the course of what seems like thirty hours by the likes of Elliot Gould, Hal Holbrook, James Brolin, and OJ "Make Joke Here" Simpson. A man cuts open a snake and eats it. Black helicopters hover menacingly. Huge, wide ties are worn loosely. Elliot dodges gunfire. Elliot's car sinks into the ocean and he survives (!). Holbrook drones on and on, enchanted by the sound of his voice. Karen Black appears for a fifth of a second and says "Go jump yourself!". A man named Alan Fudge was involved with the making of this film. Telly Savalas rounds out the cast as Cherokee Kojak, the wisecracking biplane pilot with a dark past.

Q> think how much shorter this would be if it were called "challenger one"
Balthayzr> We can't talk here, the audience might hear and understand what's going on!
lando5> well, boys...you've successfully fooled the American public...now you're going to Disney World!
dungarees> You know, people don't mill around enough in movies today
Q> oh good. you know, i don't feel fulfilled if i see a movie that doesn't have at least two doughy white guys in it
bowleg> OK, we get the point. NASA is comprised of evil decievers.
nicklby> you know, this scene would play so much better if he played this as Mark Twain
shred> I miss the days when astronauts were required to wear matching showercaps.
BillDoor> This is like being stuck at a party next to the drunk lonely guy.
dungarees> I love a tirade as much as the next garment, but what is his deal?
BryanL> Let's just sit here and watch Elliot and Wormy manhandle their cues for five minutes.
Merlynn> It was a drunken tirade by the director and they turned it into a scene in the movie cause they needed filler.
Balthayzr> I wonder if OJ's space gloves fit?
BillDoor> So...if I understood correctly, because his wife is plump, the government wants to cancell the space program, so he wants to kill the astronauts?
BryanL> So, who cast the love child of Michael Pare and Gil Gerard?
shred> OJ's standing there thinking: "hmm, if I can get away with this, then...."
Balthayzr> Wow. 30 minutes into it and we already have more dialogue than all the movies we've done altogether!
dungarees> So they must have really saved cash by casting muppets as all the male parts
THX-1138> I wish my car had the ability to speed up film.
BillDoor> I'm confused. Is the movie saying that all the space missions have been faked?
nicklby> Ok, to sum up ... Hal gave a speech, OJ had one line, and Elliot Gould had a cup of coffee
bowleg> Kind of interesting how the sky is made of a big bedsheet.
BillDoor> This is like getting a tour through a museum by a drunken schizophrenic curator.
BryanL> Hey, what say we forget about this movie and have a rollicking discussion about Boogie Nights?
TurkeyVol> Remember me will ya? I'm the wormy guy!
BillDoor> Holbrook, Holbrook, I've been thinkin, what the heck have you been drinkin?
Q> i am saying many words...putting them together in sentences to form some kind of meaning...talking to hear myself speak...
Balthayzr> This movie needs a wrestler. Any wrestler.
lando5> in the name of Earth, we annex a warehouse in California, er, Mars!
BryanL> They've got one of those wave motion things from Brookstone on the wall.
BillDoor> You're not on the side of truth and justice, captain america, your a freakin astronaut!
Jamie> Nordbergs.... In... Spaaaaaaaaaace!
shred> Loose ties, cigarettes and monologues, that's the whole film...
Balthayzr> And once again, the laws of physics lose to the laws of movies.
BryanL> Elliot Gould: Random Coffee Table Investigator.
bowleg> is anyone else tired of it being the 70s?
Merlynn> If they discovered the life support system was faulty months before the launch,why didn't they just get a new one?
BryanL> Merlynn, you're asking the movie to make sense. You know that makes the movie a grumpy bunny.
Ironf> Close the door OJ. What, were you born in a barn?
BillDoor> Brenda Vacarro, in a role that will sedate you...
dungarees> Capricorn 1, it meant nothing to me, I love only you
BryanL> If this scene were any more "Marooned" it'd be purple.
Merlynn> They didn't say it was "majorly" defective,just that it was defective. For all we know,it could have been a bad lugnut.
shred> Back in the 70s, the Press consisted of only about 20 people.
bowleg> Now that you're dead, I'm going to have to kill you.
nicklby> this was back when reporters didn't work for paychecks, but went around investigating things just for the hell of it
THX-1138> He's walked into the Wild West Stunt Show at Universal Studios.
BryanL> The screenwriter was paid by the word. That's the only possible explanation.
bowleg> Did I mention I don't like Elliot Gould too much?
BryanL> I'd just like to point out, for the record, that this movie is (A) still on, and (B) not getting any better.
* STrooper sings WOOOO HOOOO!
Balthayzr> "This is the audience. What the hell is going on!!!"
Q> tom arnold in a role that will shock you...cause, he acts in it
dungareesdungross> Elliot Gould invents the bong
BryanL> You know, even the appearance of a gun doesn't make me think that any action is imminent.
Balthayzr> We substituted crack cocaine for his Coffee crystals. Let's see if he can tell the difference.
THX-1138> Looks like he's been eating right out of the dried chocolate milk container again.
Q> the snake dies, and brolin lives. there is no loving god in the universe
BryanL> At this point, eating raw snake was the only thing left to pad the plot with.
dungareesdungross> Let's all remind ourselves that it doesn't have vigilante Greek musicians
Balthayzr> This movie needs Coleman Francis to put the endless mumbling in perspective.
dungareesdungross> Now he's going to strip on the wing and then lapdance Telly Savalas
nicklby> I kinda wish he'd been in the movie sooner. At least it would've kept holbrook from talking so much
shred> I know NASA is underfunded, but robbing gas stations...
BryanL> Have you ever revealed a government conspiracy from a desert gas station? You will. And AT&T is going to bring it to you.
Jamie> With great power comes great North By Northwest ripoffs.
BillDoor> Yeah, that old biplane should easily outrun to high-tech government helicopters.
THX-1138EB> Hey, Mr. How-To-Win-At-Blackjack, we lost Brolin a couple miles back.
Jamie> Why are they running in slow motion, mommy?
bowleg> Epilog. OJ Simpson was found, alive and of normal size several feet away.
nicklby> Hal Holbrook was charged with stupid conspiracies. After this ... the results of that trial
Balthayzr> Ok. What did we learn?
BryanL> I learned that it's not a good idea to obsess over a Blur song or a Verhoeven movie.
Merlynn> I learned how to kick and thus gained power!
bowleg> I learned to hate Elliot Gould even more.
nicklby> OK, I learned that Hal Holbrook can talk for hours on one breath
Jamie> I learned I got here 2 hours late, but I still 90 minutes of this damn movie.
bowleg> I learned that it's appropriate to have shirts with big-ass lapels.
shred> I learned that Hal Holbrook is really a rat bastard.

"And me? All sweaty-palmed and deadly serious..."
"Reruns, for Christ's sake! I could understand if it was the news. After all, what's a walk on the Moon? But reruns! Oh, geez!"
"I think I'm going to throw up!"
"What about cancer? What about the slums? How much does it cost?"
"Some malfunction in your equipment..."
"The Vice-President, that's who. The Vice-President and his plump wife."
"Pull that lever down by your feet when I tell ya, sonny!"
"I told everybody about this dream I had of conquering the new frontier, and they all looked at me like I was nuts."
"We were all hoping... we were a little bit taller, a little bit prouder..."
"I drink too much. I get in trouble a lot because I talk too much..."