x80 CLEOPATRA JONES (2/20/98)

Produced by William "Pimp of the Year" Tennant
Written by Max "Thomasine & Bushrod" Julien and Sheldon "Movie Movie" Keller
Directed by Jack "Kiss My Grits" Starrett

Hold on, this one could make you queasy. Cleopatra Jones is the Dana Scully for the Blaxploitation generation, a kick-ass, take-no-prisoners secret agent/supercop who just happens to be a WOMAN. Cleo's after the scum who are destroying her neighborhood with opium and opium-based accessories. Gasp in reaction to the blatant disregard for international law as Cleo helps Omar Sharif destroy an entire field of Turkish poppies. Thrill to the dimly-lit love scene between Cleo and Linc from the Mod Squad. Chill to the pimpatorial wardrobe of Antonio "Doodlebear" Fargas. Crap your pants to the shrill diesel-dyke histrionics of a very hungry Shelley Winters.

cleo02.jpg GersonK> Faster Shelly Winters. Kill kill.
mgrasso> when camels flail, next on FOX
BryanL> The deciduous forests of Egypt.
KevinL> Her maiden name is apparently Cleopatra Achmed.
mgrasso> the soundtrack doesn't disappoint, eh?
KevinL> Ah, the 70's, when all films looked like kung fu movies.
Smash> this looks more like a porno flick ... witht the sheiks and all
mgrasso> peter sellars, arab pimp
BryanL> You know, for the first ever 100% CGI movie, this doesn't look that bad.
THX-1138> The Man...er Woman, ladies and gents.
Merlynn> That little scene turned many a lezbian straight.
KevinL> Make sure you do your homework before you go to bed. Oh, and kill that damn black bitch, wouldja hon?
Ironf> You have the right to be beat while "resisting arrest"
gelwob> We better call in Mitchell.
BillBear> The black zone is for grooving and extra-grooving only.
cleo04.jpg arteitle> The blue zone is for loading and unloading of sleazy drug guys only.
gelwob> suddenly it's the end of 12 Monkees.
Djenk> Baggage-Fu!
dungarees> It's super slo mo chyck kung fu fighting!
BryanL> Cleopatra Jones IS George Kennedy IN The Airport 77 Story.
KevinL> Wow, I should get -me- some crayons and make a "special agent" badge too.
BryanL> Cleopatra Jones lives in Sewer Urchin's digs, apparently.
dungarees> So this is what's beyond the green door? I'm not impressed
dungarees> She is just one non-stop infinite supply of stingers, isn't she?
BillBear> The director's philosophy: get the camera as close to Shelly Winters nose as possible.
BryanL> So, how did Little Spazzy Annie get to be the city's crime boss in the first place?
mgrasso> a combination of violence and sarcasm, bry
BryanL> I need Barbara Billingsley to translate this jive talk.
arteitle> Even prepubescent kids get excited for Cleopatra Jones!
cleo06.jpg mgrasso> later, antonio vargas became mike tyson's vocabulary coach
mgrasso> "i wanted to... uh, extrend my constabulary"
BryanL> You know, when I say there's a lot of mugging in this movie, I'm not talking about street crime.
Djenk> We have Esther Rolle sign
BillBear> Have you called my caring psychic family?
BryanL> She's part of her caring... damn you, Bear!
arteitle> Why'd everyone look so shiny in 1973?
BryanL> Wow. It turns out everyone WAS kung fu fighting after all.
Smash> ass kicking music please maestro
shred> there's a little too much "momma" in this movie for my comfort
Smash> it's the Super motocross at Buck McAbeley's place
BryanL> Maybe he should try racing against other bikers next.
cthulhu> uhhhh movie, what's going on?
BryanL> Hot nasal love.
Ironf> filmed in eyeball vision
THX-1138> All I can see is teeth...I think.
cleo07.jpg Merlynn> I think I can hear the grease squishing.
mgrasso> more nauseating.. this love scene or the one in "mitchell" ?
gelwob> LIGHTS!
BryanL> Someone should have told the cinematographer he was working with low-albedo actors.
cthulhu> This would be erotic if I COULD SEE IT!!!
dungareesdeux> Did I just see a uvula or what?
BillBear> I think I saw a uterus.
THX-1138> That's either a nipple or a zit.
mgrasso> why is it that shelley winters can get more chicks than me?
BryanL> My god! Shelley Winters ate the Wampa and turned it into a stole!
BryanL> Wait. What does this have to do with karate and dirtbikes again?
shred> is it wrong if I get excited when she pulls on the emergency brake like that?
Merlynn> And Cleo pops the clutch and...oh,you know the rest.
cthulhu> Now this is turning into Spy Hunter.
gelwob> release a smokescreen!
cleo05.jpg mgrasso> no, oil slick!
BryanL> Her car doesn't have an oil slick button, she just drags her 'fro across the road.
gelwob> ladies and gentlemen... The Three Weird Afroed Sisters
Djenk> So this is where Dolly Parton stole the melody for "9 to5"?
mgrasso> "sweet don cherry, stop and let me ride?"
mgrasso> it's hockey night in canada, folks...
gelwob> John Woo directs Huggy
ryanL> Chow Yun Fat and Nipsy Russell's love child.
GersonK> You can tell this is an old film, if they made it today, he'd fire sidewats
dungarees> This movie would be vastly improved by this guy getting the snot kicked out of him by 8 year olds
shred> The Jackson 5: The Early Years
dungarees> She needs to take colorful epithet and threat courses from Charlton Heston and Richard Roundtree.
BillBear> This is the part where she deflects bullets with her magic earrings.
BryanL> Now, every time I see the front of her car, I want to make that Speed Buggy noise, but there's no way to transliterate it.
shred> Shelly Winters IS Leni Reifenstahl IN Triumph of the Momma-sploitation.
cleo12.jpg gelwob> Look, Shelly Winters in hand-to-hand combat is just not a good idea.
BryanL> Bon Voyage Cleo. Truer words were never spoken.
Ironf> She is being sent to the ice planet to get Kirk.
cthulhu> As always, there is only one 'Good" white guy in these movies.
Djenk> You know, there is something really wrong with a bald white cop giving the "black power" fist
dungarees> I learned that Cleo's antics would be more impressive with Bionic Man sound fx
cthulhu> I learned that Blacksploitation Maritial Artists got their training off of a cereal box.
BryanL> I learned that afros really were that big.
gelwob> I learned that Esther Rolle was old even when she was young.
THX-1138> I learned that Cleo is one bad momma.
BryanL> I learned that many, many words rhyme with "blax".
Ironf> I learned that bad kung-fu and furs do not an action star make.
cthulhu> I learned that Cleo is one bad.....
shred> watch yo' mouth, cthulhu
Merlynn> I learned I like to shake.
Djenk> I learned that Federal Jurasdiction is a flexible thing
gelwob> I also learned that Antonio Fargas respects his hair.
BillBear> I learned to groove. cleo13.jpg

"I want her black ass back here."
"You better put that down before I make you eat it."
"One more word, birdie, and I'll put your stupid face out."
"Don't give me that welcome jive!"
"I'm tired of being a pussycat."
"Baby Tony and a creep named Zap."
"Where'd you get those baaaaaaaad boots?"
"We don't do no dope in this house!"
"See you around, Superhonky!"
"Don't rip up my double-knits!"
"Wonderwoman! Hahahaha! You silly bitch."

shred> Cleo Jones was the death knell of Blaxplotation
KevinL> Jurassic Park was the death knell of T. Rexploitation.
BryanL> Odelay was the death knell of Becksploitation.
BillBear> The Great Train Robbery was the death knell of Tracksploitation.
GersonK> Unfortunately, voyager continues Trexploitation
Djenk> Superman II was the death of Lex Lutherploitation
KevinL> Trainspotting was the death knell of Smackspoitation.
BryanL> Atari Games' bankruptcy was teh death knell of Klaxploitation.
dungareesdeux> The Gulf War was just the beginning of Iraqxploitation
KevinL> Lizzie Borden was the death knell for Axploitation.
Djenk> The Ab bulider encourages Flexploitation
BryanL> My Sharona marked the death spell of Knacksploitation.
shred> Viva Zappata was the end of Mexploitation.
KevinL> Babylon 5 security is all about Zacksploitation.
gelwob> "Stop! or my mom will shoot" was the death knell of somesortofexploitation
Djenk> Lex Luger was the founder of Torture Raxploitation
dungareesdeux> QVC=brickabraxsploitation
Ironf> Space Ghost is all for Braksploitation
BryanL> Failed operating systems were just part and parcel of NEXTploitation.
KevinL> My dentist says I should take up Plaxploitation.
shred> On April 15th, I'm gonna engage in some Taxploitation.
BryanL> I'll stop doing these jokes when Hecksploitation freezes over.
GersonK> team US and Canada fell victim to Czechploitation
BryanL> Would Blacula have been a Necksploitation flick?
Djenk> Dr Forrester often engaged in TVsFranksploitation
GersonK> my voodoo buddy practices hexploitation
BryanL> Daffy Duck's cartoons were considered Quacksploitation.
KevinL> Madame Toussaud practiced Waxploitation.
BillBear> Sci-Fi practices TimeTraxploitation
KevinL> Unsolved Mysteries contains RobertStacksploitation.



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