x01 Conan the Destroyer (8/2/97)

Director: Richard Fleischer
Producer: Dino De Laurentiis
"Writers": Gerry Conway, Stanley Mann, Roy Thomas

1984 brought us this lush adaptation of Clint Howard's "Golden Axe" in which Arnold Strong further proves his solid mastery of the barbarian genre. In this thrill-crammed installment, Conan stumbles through a vague fantasy world and involves himself in an epic quest concerning an ice castle and some cubic zirconia. Apart from that, there's an ineffectual wizard, a wormy slab of comic-relief thief, phallic rocks, Andre the Giant, broken glass, doors that are opened by groaning, elaborate hats, and swords of all types. The late Grace Jones' dialogue is almost exclusively limited to "YAAAAA!" and "YAAAHHHHH!". BE ADVISED: large portions of this film consist of small groups of people slowly walking up and down different staircases. Oh, and there's a rescue-princess-toadstool alternate plot as well. Wilt Chamberlain nicely complements the cast as a solemn Afrika Bombaata.

lando5: Is it just me, or does anyone else think Basil Pouledouris just kicks a harpsichord around for a few minutes and calls it a score?
Djenk: And Conan posed, for there were no more worlds to bore...
Balthasar: So, the Wizard's only spells are Fetch Virgin and Become Ape?
Bowleg: Hey!Can I get some more costume designing over here?
BryanL: Sure they have lots of coatracks, but at an inconvenient height.
Merlynn: Conan's keen mind soon realizes he's in trouble.
JoeBarlow: Rick James *is* Conan's sidekick
nicklby: suddenly, a Zantac commerical breaks out
Q: stop doing the church and steeple thing and help us look, old man!
BobFett: well, this has been fun, but there's too many people here, cyall later
Balthasar: And now, more proof that all modern Conan books are written in "Search and Replace" mode...
nicklby: you know ... that wizard doesn't actually *do* much
Bowleg: but he lends the film a certain *grandeur*
M O N S T E R !
Kingdom: Rubber-Suited Troll 
Genus: Transformed Sorceror 
Species: Antagonistus Lamus 
Special Powers: Growling, insubstantial presence. Which could actually also apply to Ahnold and Grace Jones in this movie, but trust me, we're talking about the Mirror Boy.
Weakness: Broken mirrors. Gives him an infinite number of years of bad luck.
Notes: Seems to me, if I were a monster who could be killed by breaking a bunch of mirrors, and it was time for me to fight the bad guy, I wouldn't actually do it in the same room as the mirrors. It'd be like Superman meeting up with Braniac in the Kryptonite Storage Room. I mean, yeah, you're opponent's Arnold Schwartzenegger, but there's such a thing as underestimating your foe's intelligence too much.
BryanL: Someone should inform SFC that a "sense of wonder" and "wondering what the hell's wrong with you" are two different things.
Djenk: And he casts A cone of time compression, and they arrive...
SgtPepper: Bang the Drum Slowly, Dumbass
Q: i'm not scared yet. this movie is still within reasonable beige limits so far
THX-1138: And Sting descends from the rafters to save Conan.
TheProletariat: Geez, this movie is based off jumpcuts, huh?
stirge: I see by the ol' writing on the wall that it's time for a fight scene.
Bowleg: It's like Deathstalker without the subtle undertones and character development...
JoeBarlow: So in other words, it's nothing like Deathstalker
skyraider: destroy something already, i'm getting tired
Balthasar: (Grace) "Gotta memorize my lines....YAAAAA! YAAAAAA! or is it YAAAA! YAAAAA!"
BryanL: If they get her really mad, she's gonna have sex with Dolph Lundgren.
Djenk: thank you Conan The Obvious.
nicklby: meanwhile, stan and ollie try to deliver a piano
SgtPepper: don't make me get my Ebonics on you
Jawz: Well..he hadn't quite gotten the English Language down at this point, remember
Bowleg: warrior... is about to die....
Balthasar: Skeletor hasn't aged well.
Jawz: Bowleg..what do you have against Iowa? I happen to love Iowa
Q: she's dreaming of ralph bakshi movies?
BryanL: Again, if you're gonna take your power from mirrors, store the mirrors AWAY from the fight scene.


MONSTER! by Bryan Lambert