Just when you thought that the "Man" was going to keep you life in a shambles, Shaft is brought back in a made for tv movie, Shaft: Cop Killer. In this 70's romp Shaft poorly attempts to break a car theft ring, find out the bad cops, and get his friend cleared all while still having time to shop for new turtlenecks.
THE SHAFT COMMANDMENTS
The bad mutha load of quotes
Bowleg> Who's the big slow-witted turtlenecked man who's a sex machine?
THX-1138> Hightower, no!
Balthayzr> Ah, for the days of liesure suits....
Bowleg> it's picken, an enchanting mix between pork and chicken.
Ironf> Hmm why did they never make Shaft action figures..... Oh yeah he sucked.
THX-1138> Shaft needs to buy a Glock.
Balthayzr> Who's the jive talkin' man who can't show any emotion?
Jamie> This is that searing Shaft/White Shadow crossover.
Balthayzr> Now, new for 1998! New Shaft-in-Suits Collection!
Ironf> There are three kinds of cops Shaft. Those that and count and those that can't.
Balthayzr> Hey, I liked him! I liked.....whoever the hell that was!
Jamie> No one will be seated during the gym-crossing scene!
Jamie> Shaft, where is my big leg lamp?
Balthayzr> You have to wonder about yer job security when your name is on your door with a poster and scotch tape.
Jamie> Who's the black private dick who gets interrupted by the man when he macks on chicks? -- SHAFT!
Balthayzr> You can tell Shaft is getting serious. He has his Serious Sunglasses (tm) on.
Jamie> Plaid was like urban camo in the 70s.
Bowleg> King James Revised Jive Bible
Balthayzr> The world's first movie punching bag that's not wrapped in duct tape.
Balthayzr> "Dammit, Shaft, we're working! Turn down your background music!"
Jamie> Shaft, you and I both know that Count Dracula himself is running this nocturnal ring of crime and parasitic infamy!
Jamie> The 70s were just one big fire hazard, weren't they?
Bowleg> that Shaft is one dull motherfucker.
Jamie> shut yo' mouth
Bowleg> I'm just talking about mind-rotting boredom, is all.
Ironf> cue wakka music
Balthayzr> And they have a head on with Starsky and Hutch.
Jamie> The city Shaft lives in, the City of Marios.....
Balthayzr> Not the Momma!
Ironf> is 100% of the police in the same car theft ring?
Bowleg> when you absolutely positively must transport a bound and gagged shaft overnight, guarenteed
Balthayzr> Dammit! he projects music even when he's out cold!
Jamie> His pants are tighter than the duct tape.
THX-1138> Fragile, must be Italian.
ACTION: Jamie senses Shaft riding the forklift to glory.
Ironf> Hot gear shifting action
Jamie> Tha Shaft is one forklift-driving motherfucker.
Ironf> Look in the background-Ben Murphy
Balthayzr> See Shafts Nitrous Oxide Forklift! Sunday Sunday Sunday!!
Balthayzr> OK. What did we learn?
Jamie> I learned that Kolchak is *always* the good guy.
Ironf> I learned racist jokes are a-ok with Shaft.
Jamie> I learned Shaft doesn't even get a chick on the TV show, but he had 2 and 3 at a time in the movie.
Balthayzr> I learned keeping your head on an angle and squinting can substitute for acting or characterization.
Ironf> I learned a brother in a turtleneck always comes out on top.
Bowleg> I learned that turtlenecks for some, can be a way of life
THX-1138> Wood paneling = the cool and hip ski lodge look
Balthayzr> I learned how to take my theme song everywhere.
"I'm being had from the inside..."
"Get rid of the garbage baby. Make sure none of it gets swept under the carpet."
"Suppose I splatter your brains all over this room!"
"Now be cool, be cool"
"Blow smoke up my sleeve"
"I don't dig workin' with that yo-yo."
"What's this new beef, man?"
"No in or out till the ship sails!"
"Filmed in MetroColor"
"He IS a nice guy!"
"Shaft, sometimes I wonder if Abraham Lincoln didn't make a terrible mistake..."
In lieu of the phenomenon know as Scream we proundly present the rules for a Shaft movie. Anytime a Shaft movie is to be attempted, certain rules must be followed for it to accomplish total "Shaftation".
1. Must include lots of phone conversations and turtlenecks.
2. All white people must be racist. Even his friends make funny "race" jokes.
3. Shaft needs his theme song played at every possible instance.
4. NEVER say "What could possibly happen?".
5. All heads must be kept on a 45 degree angle.
6. Shaft must jaywalk when at all possible.
7. Under any circumstances, Shaft must NEVER do anything to advance the plot.
8. Shaft must undoubtedly make it apparent in the film that he is indeed a bad mutha.
9. Must speak Jive.
10. Many scenes in bars.
11. There must be parallel parking.
12. Always make a smooth exit from a vehicle.
13. When you don't have a fresh turtleneck to wear, wear a turtleneck instead.
14. Shots of stale coffee.
15. Never walk away from it.
16. No POOFTAS!
17. Always leave with a witty remark.
18. Never say, I'll keep in touch," cuase you won't.
19. Wood paneling. Lots of it.
20. A higher up must work against Shaft.
20a. He must be white.
21. Shaft must be black.
22. The bars all have to look like crappy rec rooms.
23. The more emotional you get, the more you must squint.
24. Big collars must set off big head/scrawny torso body types.
25. There is no rule 25.
26. Bad guys never check to see if Shaft really is dead.
27. If his hands are tied, Shaft must be kept close to a sharp object.
28. The injured man must wait until the case is wrapped up to get better.
29. If Shaft must ride a forklift, it must be a souped-up forklift.
30. Shaft wears about three thousand different outfits.
31. It must be boring as all get-out.
32. We must have a good laugh when the episode/movie ends.
This HG Capsule brought to you in living color by Billy Cardwell
THE SHAFT COMMANDMENTS