x351 CUBE (11/13/99)

Directed by Vincenzo "Psi Factor" Natali
Written by Andre "Not the fey film maker" Bijelic, Graeme "Not Charles" Manson, Vincenzo "Not an FBI Informant" Natali
Produced by Colin "Roadkill" Brunton, Mehra Meh, Betty "The Kids in the Hall" Orr, Justine "Blood and Donuts" Whyte

In this tension filled first, and apparently last, episode of "The Real World: 'Cube'," we're introduced to our plucky cast members. In an attempt to mix things up, the geniuses at the Sci-Fi Channel decided to not look for volunteers, but to just drug and kidnap their stars, which provides for better than normal arguments and fights. Stuck in a giant cube with lots of moving rooms with traps, the six cast members are forced to work together using their own special skills, whether it be counting, stuttering, or being angry. Keeping with "Real World" tradition, we want to reach into the TV and slowly beat each member, but that feeling of hate quickly turns to one of glee when they start dying one at a time. There are several high points in the episode, like the use of boots to check for booby traps and the room traps themselves. Sadly, these points are few and far between. In the end, everyone ends up dying because our angry black man, Quentin, decides to go batshit insane and start killing all the whining white people. He ends up dying in his quest and the ray-tard ends up as the only survivor because he knows the secret behind prime numbers without needing a TI-92 calculator.

cube2.jpg BryanL> Welcome to M.C. Escher's holodeck.
my-crow> wouldn't it be ironic if they go around and around and end up in the same exect cube ?
Bice> We now join Cube, who's plot is already in progress.
thayer> perhaps she respects the cat
zigra1> So it's a giant shoe baker
BryanL> They're gonna go through a lot of shoes that way.
sistahQ> this chick looks like a female roddy macdowell
BryanL> This is just someone's random role playing campaign done up as an indie screenplay.
sistahQ> come on now, guys, admit it. we all had at least one shirt that looked like this movie's set in the eighties
BryanL> If any of you have backstory, you'd better spit it out NOW!
Bice> "I tend to agree". Not with what you just said, but I just generally tend to agree with everything.
BryanL> I'm a cop. And I'm gonna shove a plunger up this Cube's ass when we find it.
thayer> yes, because cops are SOOOOO useful in strange alien prisons
sistahQ> the floor is in braille?
BryanL> Then they're out of footwear and screwed.
Bice> So, we're just to accept that these random people wake up in a techno-deathtrap cube, and run with that plot. OK.
zigra1> I think the one set is a symbol of exitensial futlity or something, plus it's cheap
sistahQ> i'm dead now. please don't smoke
BryanL> Still, being French, he probably smells better now that he's dead.
thayer> nancy kerrigan> why me!?!
BryanL> I do jello shots and fuck frat guys.
Bice> Hey, didn't you learn anything from RATMM? It's not "frat"... ;-P
sistahQ> maybe if they joined all those panels on the wall together and said some incantations they could raise the cenobites
BryanL> He's Dilbert.
BryanL> This is the ultimate cubicle farm. cube3.jpg
sistahQ> my strength is in my left earlobe, is that a problem?
Balthayzr> Cubed: Crap to the 3rd Power.
Bice> So she scorns his porn, then goes on about her shallow love for jewelery.
Balthayzr> Inside John Malcovich's Colon.
Balthayzr> This is just a remake of that animated Batman episode with the Riddler and the Maze, isn't it?
thayer> yeah, let's hear it for prime numbers!
Balthayzr> A cheap plug for Sci-Fi Prime.
BryanL> She's chanting "prime numbers" like it's "get busy" in an 80's rap video.
Ironf> Enjoy the Glass-esque background theme
Ratbert> Ah, I love Prime NUmber Movies...so, when's Contact on next?
Balthayzr> So, it's an entire world made of Blueprint wallpaper?
Balthayzr> And they get to the end, where a giant alien gives them some cheese. "It's a ZOO!!! It was a ZOO ALL ALONG!!!"
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the representative of irc.scifi.com
Balthayzr> "I'm a very good cube wanderer, a very good cube wanderer."
sistahQ> he's playing an invisible flute with that hand. flight of the bumblebee on steriods, by the looks of it
Balthayzr> I'm surprised they didn't get Ice Cubs to star in this.
BryanL> His talent is echolocation.
Balthayzr> This can't be a Sci-Fi Original. The Giant Cube has no hallways or Steam Pipes.
sistahQ> you know what this movie needs? david bowie in a bigass codpiece
Ironf> He's busy re-re-re-re-re-re-inventing himself
Balthayzr> Actually, this is just the set of TV Wheel II.
BryanL> The Most Dangerous Rubik's Cube.
Bice> So when do they meet their first Borg?
Balthayzr> The shock ending is that this turns out to be a Japanese Office Building.
BryanL> Good luck quieting the ray-tard. Lord knows we never have any success. cube5.jpg
Balthayzr> The fishing line is so they can find their way out before the minatour gets them.
BryanL> Hah. See, the raytard is the raytard, and the cynical nihilist is us. Shred picked this movie for SFC, didn't he.
Ironf> I still don't see why they didn't eat the Frenchie
sistahQ> this guy reminds me of a young bono vox, facially
BryanL> See, despite all their rage, they're still just rats in a cage.
Balthayzr> "I say we just stop here and begin the re-population of the Cube."
sistahQ> great. a cinematic version of a pinter play mixed with a chess game. 'say line. move actors. brood. repeat.'
BryanL> It does seem that the creators intended the cube as a vehicle to address interesting psychological, sociological, and intellectual questions. Kind of a shame it's all sucky and stuff.
zigra1> I almost can't wait until they get back to the boot throwing
sistahQ> anyone else thinking along the lines that these two women here are peppermint patty and marci, all grown up and become lesbian lovers?
Ironf> This was the greatest of the Mathnet movies
Balthayzr> 17,576 rooms. Ane we get to watch them explore them ALL!
Cthulhu> Decarte: Dax thinks, therefore she isnt.
Balthayzr> In the shocking ending, they exit the cube and discover themselves in a CHuck E. Cheeses.
BryanL> He's a baby seal. Club him.
Balthayzr> Please don't play with the traps. Thank you, The Management.
sistahQ> well, that was the tron room. now we're basking in the glow of the willy wonka room
Balthayzr> So, the set designer was basically in charge of changing the color gels in the wall panels?
Bice> His breathing is almost as silent as those silent snakes from that other movie.
Ironf> And Leon has to stab a rat
Balthayzr> They don't know each other? So, this is just a series of chat rooms, then.
BryanL> He's really Ike Turner. cube6.jpg
Ironf> No, if he were Ike, he would have used the Shoe! Ike didn't want to hurt is hands, so he used shoes
Balthayzr> I understand this is Sci-Fi's version of Who Wants To Be A Millioniare.
Balthayzr> Cube II: Trapezoid!
Bice> I guess that's how they know they're not moving in circles - they haven't come back across and of the corpses they've left behind.
Balthayzr> I'm still trying to figure out who thought Math Nerds were a movie audience niche that needed to be filled.
thayer> oh how sweet. cube romance a brewin
zigra1> They're getting along, someone must die
Ratbert> That hand clasp is the most action we're seeing this movie
Balthayzr> There's a Tron Remake in the works.
Trademark> ...starring Leo DiCaprio as the master control .dll.
Ironf> Now it's a Hogan's Hero's ep
Balthayzr> God just hit the Pop-O-Matic bubble.
sistahQ> this reminds me of that wkrp ep where the power went out and johnny fever had to climb down the elevator shaft
Ratbert> he was actually voted in his high school "most likely to become homicidal after being locked in a cube"
Balthayzr> Turns out they're trapped in Tex Avery's Mind.
THX-11381> This is when they find out the ray-tard is a bed wetter
sistahQ> i wonder what the pitch for this movie pust have been like. 'five-ish unlikeable people trapped in a claustrophobic set being really horrible to each other for an hour and a half.' i can't imagine why disney hasn't seized upon this idea for an animated cartoon
Balthayzr> This is why you should never explore a Cube without Dr. Who. His scarf would have been long enough to reach the bottom.
Ironf> Yes, shoe beating!
THX-11381> Now if he uses the guy to beat other people...that's gonna be something
Balthayzr> Moral: Learn math. You never know when you'll be trapped in a giant 3-dimensional Board game.
Trademark> Meanwhile, the overseer of the cube is trying desperately to get all the colors together on each side.
Balthayzr> Next, she says the numbers are the body measurements of Roseanne and Oprah. cube10.jpg
BryanL> Actually, those aren't map coordinates. They're DVD encryption codes.
Bice> This is the worst fruit of the loom commercial I've ever seen.
THX-1138> Remember kids, stay where you are in life, do not progress or pass go.
Bice> So they're trusting the lead singer of the Spin Doctors to guide them.
Ironf> Well you've got all that porn, so that's a good reason to leave
thayer> boundless human stupidity. yeah, this guy has a clue.
Ironf> He just went CAVEMAN on them
THX-1138> Only the ray-tard lives to populat ethe earth with his prime number genes
thayer> what a fucked up movie
Trademark> God has chosen Kazan to bring the solution to the cube to everyone.
Bice> The moral - be more like the ray-tard.
Q> moral of the movie: i blame CANADA
THX-1138> And it ends in white like that stupid THX-1138 movie
Ratbert> That was Nicole BeBoer?
Ratbert> Didnt recognize her
THX-1138> That's because she wasn't naked like in all those fakes you have
Bice> At least now I know that if I ever wake up inside a killer cube with a bunch of psycho strangers and a ray-tard, I should just sit still and hope someone has a good pocket calculator on them.
thayer> did they ever explain why they were there in the first place?
THX-1138> They were there because someone wanted to make a SF "original"
Trademark> Also, it's a good idea to let the deranged guy keep his shoes. He's less harmful with them.

"Boot it."
"Nope. I've gotta pretty fine collection of pornography."
"Where do you hide something this big?"
"Duh, have you been on glue all your lives?"
"Levin, it's time to go down."
"You don't want the boot."


This is a "Sci-Fi Original" story of six strangers picked to wander a giant cubical maze with thousands of moving rooms and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real - The Real World: "Cube."

Leaven: Our perpetual cry baby, Leaven Ezri Dax is used to a life of privilege, filled with luxury cars, good food, and servants. When she finds out she's stuck in a cube without her precious little Pikachu with diamond eyes, she cries for several hours. Her special talent is revealed to be her math skills, which she insists got her the prestigious position of president at her private school's math club, and not because she slept with the math club advisor or bought him a new Ferrari. Her incessant whining drives Quentin over the edge and leads to her demise. cubeleaven.jpg
Holloway: This medical doctor grew up in a middle class family in a Washington DC suburb. Since the mysterious death of her father, a CIA agent, she has been distrustful of the government. She has devoted all of her free time to uncovering numerous conspiracies through her website. Her need to continually spout conspiracy theories and inquire into the private lives of her cube-mates angers everyone and leads to her eventual death via shoe, despite her ratings grabber habit of walking around topless. cubeholloway.jpg
Worth: A building engineer contracted by the government, Worth knows the most about the cube because he helped to design its outer shell. When this tidbit is revealed, it drives the paranoid Holloway crazy. Her non-stop blabbering about government projects and need to refer to Worth as "a worthless puppet of the government" leads Worth to beat her with his shoe. Guilt stricken at having taken a life, Worth is striken with nightmares of laughing demons and trolls, but finds solace in the arms of the underage Leaven. cubeworth.jpg
Kazan: The mentally ray-tarded member of the group, Kazan constantly fidgets with his hands, like some palsy patient. Most likely placed in the cube to provide comedy, Kazan is a master at knowing what numbers are prime or not, a skill that comes in handy when he works as a janitor at MIT. His idiot moaning and fear of being touched stems from his sexual abuse at a young age. When Rennes tries to get too friendly with him, Kazan beats him and kills him with the patented Corky elbow drop. cubekazan.jpg
Rennes: Born in Paris, Rennes spent his entire life in a traveling circus where he mastered escape techniques. When he was caught in bed with a 10 year old boy, he was forced to take to the streets. Used to a life on the road and of adventure, being stuck in the cube wasn't a problem with Rennes. What he did have a problem with were his cube co-occupants who were less than impressed by his homosexual street urchin life and need to sleep with young boys. As our token gay man, he is the source of much conflict in the cube, that is until he dies like the pansy French loser he is. cuberennes.jpg
Quentin: A reformed gangster rapper, Quentin became a cop after seeing his best ho-ma died in his arms after a drive-by shooting. The obligatory "Real World" angry black man, he aggravates all arguments by mentioning his oppression by "the Man." His constant need to refer to his female cube co-habitants as "bitches" and "sluts" keeps up the tension. When his black rage overflows after hearing Leaven complain about her pampered white lifestyle one too many times, he ends up killing several cubers, including himself. cubequentin.jpg

CRAPPY, YET OBVIOUS TRIVIA: The characters are named after prisons.
REALLY CRAPPY, YET OBVIOUS TRIVIA: Shot on a single 14'x14' set, made to look like many different cubes through the use of different-colored lighting.
UNBELIEVABLY OBVIOUS TRIVIA: This movie sucks much ass.

You should all watch out for THX-11383.