X197 CYBORG (1/19/99)

Directed by Albert "Alien From LA" Pyun
Written by Kitty "Journey to the Center of the Earth" Chalmers
Produced by Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan

Van Darnit is back again showing of his ass again in Cyborg, AKA Masters of the Universe II: The Cyborg, AKA The Battle For Warld Piss, AKA Sue Me? Sue You! That's right, Van Guldarnit plays Gibson Rickenbacker who isn't an ace fighter pilot, but rather a tour guide in post-apocalyptic Amerika. It seems scientists actually do a good thing and discover a cure for a plague. They stick the plans for this wunder-drug in the head of a Cyborg, a la Johnny Pneumonia. The cyborg teams up with our "hero" when Fender, a wannabe Tiny Lister with Men In Black sunglasses, tries to capture the cyborg. It seems Fender enjoys the plague. It's not explained why he likes it, he just does. Maybe he likes all the dead people because he's a necrophiliac. Who knows? He likes it and that's all you need to know. There's a lot of running, Van Damme ends up being crucified after getting a bigger beating than he did from Chuck Zito, and the movie ends. Maltin gave it a bomb rating and we at the HomeGame agree you shouldn't watch this movie unless you're bombed. By the way, there is currently a civil case pending in court by a movie buff, who lost his vision after watching Cyborg, against Van Damme, Golan, and Globus. He claims they are not the experts they claim to be, lacking professionalism to make movies.

cyborg02.JPG Plumm> Hey, we're out of crack, crackhead. Go try the boys in Langley, they're swimming in the stuff.
mgrasso> ah, golan and globus.... your money, straight from the box office to the mossad.
BEMaven> when it seems things couldn't get worse...Cannon Films found another script.
BEMaven> please, god, let this mean they torched the film.
BEMaven> 'wear a mask that covers my eyes? what the hell was i thinking?'
THX-1138> Another one of those alley way circumcisions.
BEMaven> was that guy some kind of cameo ninja?
Ironf> johnny....5.....is......alive
THX-1138> That's not a woman! It's a cyborg bay-bee!
mgrasso> ok, so jean claude *is* pippi longstocking?
BEMaven> "get me out of the city"? is this 'adventures in babysitting 2'?
BEMaven> so the anti-Christ is an Australian with ephezema?
THX-1138> So that's how Jean Claude gets women - he throws knives at them and takes them back to his place to recover
Ironf> Jean's wearing the early Jackie Chan hairpiece
BEMaven> did someone forget to overdub Van Damme's voice?
BEMaven> it took a production designer to rummage through dumpsters?
THX-1138> How dare you try to take my Franklin Mint letter opener
Ironf> yes, the Nova, I've seen them before
THX-1138> We have flashbacks within flashbacks within flashforwards within editing mistakes
BEMaven> i think this movie has electronic counter measures, THX. it hops around to dodge our riffs.
Alucard> Bitch? Who fuck ya calling a bitch. cyborg03.JPG
BEMaven> are we watching a post-apocalyptic cologne commercial?
Ironf> cue current "Stay with me" song that the kids like
BEMaven> somebody do something about Van Damme's hair...he keeps reminding me of Jan Michael Vincent.
BEMaven> let me know when he wastes Ted Nugent.
THX-1138> I think I saw this scene in Clockwork Orange
BEMaven> Van Damme drinks a quart of mercury each day. it could only help.
Ironf> 'I care about my glutes.'
THX-1138> He has a bionic toenail!
Ironf> That's what this movie needs, bionic sounds
BEMaven> the waste of a perfectly good dummy.
BEMaven> i'm suddenly sorry they replaced the film editor with someone sober.
THX-1138> You can help me...I'm still a virgin
BEMaven> I stand corrected. Van Damme can only experience sex in flashbacks.
BEMaven> The Pam Anderson Classic? How many holes in that course?
Ironf> aheh she wakes up alone. Bet that never happens to jean claude, huh
* BEMaven looks for the button that would reboot the movie.
THX-1138> They're making a super Kim Cattrall manequin!
BEMaven> so now they dock at Cabot Cove. Will Mrs. Fletcher help them?
THX-1138> Take them out...to a nice restaurant and get some good wine. We'll kill him with kindness
Ironf> The exciting 'contruction zone' set
BEMaven> THis is the longest I've ever gone without understanding the plot.
THX-1138> It was nice of Jean Claude to put his face right in the way of that kick.
BEMaven> what this scene needs is Prince Of Space. cyborg04.JPG
THX-1138> Just like a Van Damme to bring a knife to an apocalyptic future gunfight
Ironf> am I the only one that missed that we skipped about 5-10 years?
THX-1138> Cobra-lalalalalalalala!
Plumm> Gary saw a silverfish!
BEMaven> well, now i know what happened to all the people who missed the cattle call for 'wrath of khan.'
Ironf> Trivia: All the major characters are named after guitar brand names.
Ironf> Trivia 2: A stuntman sued Jean-Claude Van Damme after he lost vision in one eye during a fight sequence that went wrong. The injured stuntman won his suit, claiming that Van Damme was not the expert that he claimed to be, lacking the control necessary for the stunt.
Plumm> Who decided to film this in abandoned factory? Stroke of brilliance, if you ask me. It's what makes a Jean-Claude film stand out from the pack
BEMaven> this is sort of like a black belt Camus novel.
BEMaven> fender is wearing Tina Turner's dress, the bastard!
THX-1138> He runs into the sewer where the giant gator gets him, the end.
Plumm> Golan and Blobus were actually raised in sewers. It's true.
BEMaven> this always happens when the second unit gets lost.
Plumm> ... and now Ator comes hanggliding in to save the day.
Plumm> That was neat how Jean-Claude cut that guy before the machete even made contact.
Ironf> So it's now taken over old Dune sets
THX-1138> Jean Claude has lost his powers! I bet Giles injected something in him
Plumm> This movie still doesn't have enough Van damme getting beat up.
THX-1138> What's the IMDB say the plot is, or does it just have "??????????"
BEMaven> and the second unit director slips away in a helicopter, laughing maniacally.
BEMaven> are they slipping flashbacks in from othe Cannon movies? cyborg09.JPG
Ironf> hear it! The Bionic sound!
BEMaven> and he took down another stunt man. call the lawyers.
THX-1138> We've seen this flashback at least 7 times already!
BEMaven> yes, but Van Damme looks surprised this time.
Plumm> Scorcese's . . Last Temptation of A Belgain Runt.
Ironf> He should use his super buttocks to grasp the pole and snap it
BEMaven> the second unit got lost again.
THX-1138> Is this the "showdown?"
Ironf> one only hopes, cause showdown usually = ending
THX-1138> The showdown is who can suck in their gut the most?
Ironf> no, just suck
BEMaven> they apparently got Van Damme because they couldn't afford Wyl E. Coyote.
Plumm> It's a little known fact that this entire film was made in the basement of the Alamo.
Ironf> and when Jean crawled out from under the wreckage.......he looked like THIS!!!!
BEMaven> i'd pay real money to see Van Damme shot out of a cannon...point blank at a brick wall.

"Stand next to me."
"Get me out of the city."
cyborg10.JPG "I hate the water!"
"I tried to kill you. Why did stay with me when I was knocked out?"


master> I want to go to holland
master> and sing songs
master> i nthe mountains
master> are there any women in here who I'm making an ass of myself in front of
master> is there like a channel op in here that can kick people out
*** master was kicked by Ironf (kerplop)
master> hi I don't appresiate people banning me
master> I am mad
master> I put on my angry face
*** master was kicked by Ironf ( I'm just another child of the damned. The Van Damned.)
master2> Ican't be killed
*** master2 was kicked by Ironf (we thought it was a gonner)


THX-1138 thinks Chuck Zito should have finished the job.