x24 Assault on Devil's Island (10/28/97)

Director: Some Guy
Writer: Some Other Guy
Producer: Michael Berk, Doug Schwartz, Gregory Bonann, i.e. "The Creators of Baywatch"

"TNT NITRO ORIGINAL": a phrase that can boiled down to "Total, Uncomprimising Commitment to Quality". In this action-stuffed film, master-class actor Terry "Hulk" Hogan leaves the ring far, far behind and fights the good fight against badly-accented terrorists and "drugs" in general. Of course, even a Hero of Hulk-like caliber can't do such things alone. To aid him in his quest, the always-capable Carl "Action" Weathers pops up and says a handful of lines. Erotic Thriller Breast Actress Shannon Tweed is also on hand to wear a variety of swimwear and to fail to crush a coconut. If you like to watch people fire off prop guns, look no further. Hogan says: "I think there's going to be so much action there that you're not going to be able to leave your chair for a peanut butter sandwich". Well said, my mongoloid-like friend. Billy Drago rounds out the cast as Lou Diamond Phillips.

nicklby> Assault on America's Sensibilities, did I read that right?
boreleg> With a name like "Michael Berk", you know some exceptional executive producing is going on.
Balthasar> You'd think a career in wrestling would make you a better actor...
Jamie> They got these people from the old A-Team casting director's rolodex.
nicklby> doesn't whatever branch of the military these guys belong to have some sort of regulation about hair extensions?
Djenk> You know, for all that firepower, they haven't actually shot anyone yet...
Jamie> Death. Austrailian for beeeeer.
Balthasar> So, the script is just the words "Shoot" typed over and over and over?
cthulhu> For a special forces team, they sure are taking their sweet time.
boreleg> That's not an Action Jackson. THIS is an Action Jackson.
Merlynn> If this movie has taught me one thing,it's that wrestling is real.
Djenk> let me put it to you this way...does "Bay of Pigs" mean anything to you?
nicklby> a lawyer with morals? this IS fantasy
boreleg> It's more then fantasy. It's NITRO.
Jamie> You know, the worst part of US drug policy isn't the thousands of deaths it causes, or the abject poverty, or the gross violations of human and civil rights... it's movies like this.
Balthasar> Is this one of those movies where you can tell the character's apart because they all carry different weapons?
lando5> who's in charge of wardrobe? we distinctly ordered STRAPLESS gowns...
Jamie> Alright. Cocaine blown up. Street price risen, supply interruption assured. Massive killing in inner cities sure to follow. Mission accomplished!
Balthasar> I can't understand you when yer fake wrestling accent kicks in....
Djenk> And another innocent plant falls victim to the drug wars
cthulhu> Anti-Botany League strikes again.
boreleg> So far, this doesn't have the exotic appeal of "Suburban Commando"
Djenk> or the comedy stylings of "Mr Nanny"
boreleg> or the deft touch of "No Holds Barred"
Balthasar> Ah, No Holds Barred. Or "I hate Ted Turner, The Movie" by Vince McMahon.
dungarees> It frightens me that you all are able to discuss Hogan movies at this length
THX-1138> So that guy's purpose was to guard that wall?
Djenk> Another scene fraught with clever dialogue
boreleg> Everyone buckle up and prepare to be kidnapped for some vague reason.
Jamie> We need all the cocaine in these girls' systems for our operation!
Balthasar> Please keep your hands and feet inside the kidnapping at all times.
lando5> you can't do this...I'm an American Gymnast! Bart Conner will hear of this!
Merlynn> It's Black Turtle! Hit the glass thing with your ninja stars!
Balthasar> For a commando's house, it has a rotten security system.
boreleg> Well, the brochure never said the alarm system could detect Action Jacksons.
nicklby> geez, the Brady Bunch were better at breaking out of cells than that
Balthasar> C,mon! We want to see the parrelel bars, and we want to see it now!!
dungarees> They keep failing to kill gymnasts. It's most distressing
Djenk> I think the terrorist is taking to long in setting up this slam, what do you think Mike Tenay?
boreleg> He looks like Walter Mercado, that hermaphroditic man/woman spanish astrologer that scares the hell out of me on late night tv
THX-1138> Wait, let me understand since I just started watching this thing...some Autrallian guy and a tarot reader kidnapped a gymnastics team to lure Bela Karolyi and Hulk Hogan to an island?
Jamie> This is the only movie that could make drowning gymnasts boring.
lando5> and verily, Hulk did sayeth, "bring not your Evil to this place which I occupy"
THX-1138> Now explain to me why gymnastics commentator John Tesh isn't in that cage with them.
Djenk> Ah yes, prevent drowning with random burst of gunfire!
boreleg> Just like a wrestler to bring a boat to a plane fight.
Jamie> So the water washed all the dye from Hulk's hair?
THX-1138> A kidnapping in progress, and rope is there.
lando5> are we a team? does anyone else smell..."pilot?" AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!
Balthasar> AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Djenk> NOOO!!!!NO!!!!NOO!!!!
dungarees> aaaaghh
Balthasar> I'll join the NWO! Anything! No Hulk series!!!!!
Jamie> Okay, what did everyone learn?
boreleg> Not to show a movie three times in a row.
Balthasar> I learned a career in pro wrestling does NOT make you a good actor.
dungarees> I learned that the creepy manwoman psychic's name is Walter
Merlynn> I learned Hulk Hogan is an evil man.
Jamie> I learned that the only possible positive outcome of the Drug War, the death of gymnasts, isn't a sure thing.
nicklby> I learned that Shannon Tweed's breasts can't save every movie
Djenk> I learned that explosions can be fun...
boreleg> I learned that the militairy has a loose policy concerning hair extensions.
dungarees> I learned to identify the nipples of many B-movie stars
Jamie> I learned Tuesday Nitro is a worse idea than Monday Nitro.

"I'm going to hunt you down and rip your heart out!"
"Try to get some sleep while you still can..."
"Well, depends on what you call... weapons... hmm hmm heh hmm heh"
"I'm going to cut your head off and send it back... stuffed with cocaine!"
"Old Man Roach's still is guarded better than this!"
"Okay, here's a hacienda. But where's Luendo?"
"I don't like it. There's supposed to be tons of cocaine here."
"Men die in our business. That's our business!"
"You know all about weird culture..."
"Shut up you idiot!"
"Death! Not a good card, Mikey."