x303 FIRST DAUGHTER (08/15/99)

Directed by Armand "Fatal Error" Mastroianni
Written by Chad "Tomax" Hayes, Carey "Xamot" Hayes
Produced by Michael O. "Bionic Ever After" Gallant, Jason "Stop calling me Wayne Arnold" Hervey, Tom "Bad As I Wanna Be: The Dennis Rodman Story" Patricia, David "Shutterspeed" Salzberg

From the twins that brought us "Twisted Desire" comes the fantastic TBS adventure movie, "First Daughter." When female Secret Service agent Mariel Hemingway decides to be a renegade and go against protocol to save the US President from an assassination attempt (and if US President and assassination don't get us looked at by Echelon...), she ends up getting her flabby ass busted down to the first daughter's personal guard. When the first daughter, Jess, decides to go on a rafting trip with her high school's football team, we're set on a collision course of wackiness and debauchery. When Jess wanders into the woods to have a super circle jerk gang bang with the football team, she ends up getting kidnapped by an American militia, who decide to jump in the super circle jerk gang bang before making their demands - the release of their leader, a free Skynard concert, and nude photos of Bea Arthur. Hemingway manages to strip down to a Pikachu tank top to show off her non-breasts and teams up with river guide Doug "The Idiot" Savant. Shocker of shockers, Hemingway and Savant rescue Jess, they have a romp in the sleeping bag, and wrestler DDP dies.

firstd11.jpg KevinL> One of them has a Diamond Dallas Page in his ear!
Ironf> The only black republican
BEMaven> which agent talks into his shoe?
RobertH> I haven't had enough hip dialogue thrown at me yet, movie. Pile it on.
BEMaven> "i grew up on Kiss". that explains the make-up and the platform shoes.
thayer> don't worry sir, she'll be so traumatized by your sexual transgressions that she'll sleep with the entire stanford water polo team.
RobertH> They shot Smashmouth!
Ironf> and the terrorists don't take Muriel out, she does it herself over a bottle of booze
THX-1138> The president can't handle another hit! He can only not inhale so many times!
Ironf> Charlie was in the trees, they could smell him
THX-1138> But what about the rights of that little President?!
BEMaven> it's a conspiracy. there was a place card for the sniper.
mgrasso> ah, where's jamie to spew an ATF-gestapo comment when we need them.
RobertH> Commie bastards ... this is a Trinitron!
BEMaven> we captured their Casio synth, sir!
thayer> "watch your butt, walters. i know I will be"
Ironf> George the Animal Steele escapes
KevinL> Are they being stalked by a Predator?
BEMaven> dammit, we caught Bill Murray. who's movie are we in?
mgrasso> mariel hemingway's face is held up by a series of struts and scaffolds.
RobertH> This is just like "Dave."
Ironf> Clint Eastwood and George Kennedy are the other two agents
THX-1138> Plus you know about the interns, so I don't know if I can fire you without you writing a tell all book
mgrasso> what's in the fucking bag???!!!
thayer> "the special agent in charge.....of my PANTS"
mgrasso> yeah, the president's daughter stays in shitbox motels like that.
Diana> "beast...whose name was HEMINGWAY!" firstd5.jpg
THX-1138> She's reading the Devil Girls production diary.
mgrasso> ah, good old fashioned lesbian sleepover porn parties. with ice cream.
RobertH> Secret Service agents come running for the great taste of porn!
Ironf> Spanktravision.
Plumm> They're watching the live feed from the Oval Office study.
BEMaven> 'just watching Dad's tapes. nothing special.'
Q> oh yeah. this is the kind of place i want the people in charge of my daughter's safety to hang out, as much as possible
mgrasso> hicks always hit on chicks who look like captain janeway.
RobertH> "I hope there are no hard feelings." Why do you think he hit on you to begin with?
THX-1138> I need some batteries for my vibr...I mean walkman
mgrasso> big belt buckle = evil white power hick
KevinL> This movie was a helluva lot better with Sidney Poitier and Tom Berenger.\
THX-1138> Michael Smith, because John Doe would be too vague.
RobertH> TBS: We take a two-hour product placement and call it a movie.
Plumm> I missed the headline. What'd it say?
thayer> it said "politics bite, go home and talk to people on the internet or something"
BEMaven> "Michael Smith Indicted On 17 Counts..Building Code Under Fire...."
Ironf> Actually that was due to a typo. It was actaully Michael Nesmith that was trying to kill the prez.
BEMaven> Michael Nesmith? Leader of the White-Out Liberation Front?
Q> so this is where they got all the girls to chade that guy topless in monty python's meaning of life
BEMaven> 'and you are what? first Bitch?'
Ironf> This is part of the new biathalon. White water rafting then baseball.
Bice> "You've gotta stay high"? What, to watch this movie? firstd9.jpg
Diana> Ooooo....paddle envy
Ironf> This is where they bring all the women so they can check thier asses out without looking too creepy
KevinL> Just once, I'd like to see a movie in which two characters have an -actual- pissing contest.
Ironf> I think her wearing a wife beater says more than I ever could about the character
thayer> i prefer my eye candy without crappy nose jobs
Diana> "Fall, Alex, fall! Go on, you can do it!"
BEMaven> she practised that grip on the President.
Bice> She's into mountain goats. So this climb is no problem.
mgrasso> a young tom green sits apart from his peers.
Plumm> he's listening to his porn audiobooks
Diana> No, I'm thinking about your butt
RobertH> I *told* the president what 'is' means, but will he remember?
mgrasso> in 1999, three secret service agents entered yosemite park. 2 years later, the first daughter was found.
THX-1138> I'm not a young Kate Winslet. Really.
RobertH> I listen to Everclear! I'm rock stupid!
Diana> And I'll try not to sound too judgemental about your deviant sexual preference
mgrasso> lyle alzado IS jesse ventura IN "the turner diaries."
BEMaven> wait a minute. both the miliita men and the secret Service go on Outward Bound trips... and run into each other by accident?
mgrasso> they're on a collision course for wackiness! and a deadly stand-off!
RobertH> I want to know what self-respecting modern militia uses bows.
Diana> Robin Hood and His Merry Militia!
thayer> we look dirty! there's no way they'll see us now!
Bice> It's an Ewok village.
mgrasso> music by mark snow......'s cat.
RobertH> Sleeping in tents, but their hair looks GREAT!
Plumm> tee-hee. it's kissing and it's funny!
mgrasso> wow. this has the level of sophistication of "gidget goes to rome."
RobertH> Move along, nothing to see here, just the First Daughter making out. firstd12.jpg
KevinL> You know, this movie's half over and nobody's kidnapped Britney Spears yet.
KevinL> The hot sex we have together is purely casual.
BEMaven> must be the Myopic Liberation Front.
RobertH> You know, if I was going on one of these trips, and I found out the president's daughter was coming along, I think I'd rather stay behind in the cabin and watch porn.
THX-1138> A startac would not save you from a high powered rifle
BEMaven> to draw fire, press *4.
* RobertH uses the OnStar system to find the freedom fighters
Diana> Outward Bound rivalry goes horribly wrong
mgrasso> he's george michael, except gay.
Ironf> This will be like that In the Line of Duty where they have to shoot the bad guys 25 times apiece to kill them
KevinL> Look, I don't have any balls, so if it's a Bouncing Betty, I'll be fine.
mgrasso> wow. script written by jack hackneye and robert cliché
KevinL> They're trying to boost the Holodeck signal so they can transport Holo-Moriarty into the real world.
RobertH> "This is taking way too long." You injured people are just slowing us all down!
THX-1138> I don't mind if you feast on yeast.
RobertH> I can't wait for the scene where they fall from the sheer cliff, only to fall into the rough rapids and ride them to the secret hideout.
Diana> Hot flashes, heck no. These are power surges
THX-1138> She better hope George costanza didn't make tuna sandwiches
mgrasso> danger: marielbolik.
BEMaven> and they're knocked off by Sly Stallone swinging by like a monkey.
thayer> what a cute little gun she's got
BEMaven> don't move... or i'll drill you with my starter pistol.
THX-1138> Then Michael will row the boat ashore.
Q> i say the family from the river wild and the lost kids from the blair witch should show up, and they get stranded with the terrorists and chelsea and they all have to eat each other to survive. that'd be a cool ending
THX-1138> When does Texas Ranger Chuck Norris show up as a morphing bear to save the first daughter? firstd13.jpg
Diana> Boat powered by grunting
THX-1138> 'Heeeey, this is KHCK, we've got a request to the First Daughter, don't move, help is on it's way. And here's Shania Twain's newest single!'
RobertH> "Do herself?" Wow, she does everything ...
KevinL> She's a monosexual.
BEMaven> i think this was an Afterschool Special... with the militia men thrown in.
thayer> yes, the lesson here was "don't make out with strange boys in the woods"
RobertH> And they all wander into the jungle boat ride at Disney World.
Q> somewhere in those woods there, stephen rea is trying to shoot forrest tucker...charlie sheen's platoon is getting amnushed...ned beatty is getting ass-raped by a redneck...
THX-1138> DDP likes to watch little girls pee. How nasty.
BEMaven> shouldn't Mariel also have a hostage... just for sheer symmetry.
RobertH> jump into the three foot deep water! You'll be okay!
Q> by all means sit up as straight as you can in that boat, jess, so the bad men with guns will have a nice clear shot of your empty little blonde head
BEMaven> 'it was an accident. the rock went off while i was cleaning it.'
RobertH> First Daughter and the Temple of Doom
Ironf> They're dead now. Please don't raft.
KevinL> They're like salmon swimming upstream to spawn. Only they're not salmon, and they're in boats, and they're not gonna spawn.
BEMaven> this movie was product placement for the White House, wasn't it?

"Just for the record, this sucks."
"I expect you to stand by the results of that test."
"I didn't want your entire summer to suck."
"What's that smell?"
firstd16.jpg "She's not into men, if you know what I mean."
"I'm gonna hit you like a linebacker."
"No way!"

THX-1138 knows Secret Service agents like to stop kids from playing with toy lightsabers.