x177 DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT (10/17/98)


Directed by Linda "Pointman" Hassani

Written by Matthew "Shrunken Heads" Bright


Devilish women. Ain't that the truth, bub. What we have here is one of your lesser demons, a young girl who doesn't get along with pops so well. In fact, she takes a walk up through the mantel and on to the topsoil. Once she's on human turf she decides to become a warrior for human rights by brutally killing all evildoers. She also falls in love with some wormy doctor. Dunno why, but she did. And she has really big feet, which is good if you are into that sort of thing. I guess.


Balthayzr> Full Moon Entertainment. Never a good sign.
ServoT> Yes, music, you ARE supposed to start now
Balthayzr> So, this is Kane's summer home?
Ironf> Balth full moon is a quality studio and I will not let you sulley it's name
Balthayzr> Yep. Rocks on fire. Typical Chicago summer.
MrBooze> Looks a little dry for Chicago, Balth
Balthayzr> Wow, I've had this fantasy before........uh, I mean, wow.
MrBooze> Man, I really hate these new employee orientations
Ironf> move the mouthwash, not the head
MrBooze> We will grant extra points for creative torturing, but let's keep it all by the book.
Ironf> Demon lesbians. HooHaa
Balthayzr> If this turns into "My Demon Lover" I'm heading up a watertower with a high-powered rifle.
MrBooze> Is there anywhere in hell where people don't spit?
Balthayzr> Torches in Hell? What's the point? Pilot go out?
Ironf> Nudie shows of the DAMNED!
dungarees> I respect the fry technicians and all, but should they really be using the defibrilator?
Balthayzr> Nice to know that the hospital is gonna inspect my feet next time I go in with a head injury.
dungarees> The director was schtupping a foot model, Booze and that was her big scene.
MrBooze> For god's sake, woman! YOU'R DOG HAS ESCAPED!!!
ServoT> Listen, I've been hurt by women from the pits of Haides before, I'm not really ready for a relationship
Ironf> We have clown shoes if the flippers don't fit.
dungarees> She's just not as creepy as Meg Foster when all is said and done
MrBooze> This is what our world has come down to. Horrific demons from the hoary underworld coming forth and making people lose buttons.
Balthayzr> So, how do you put a positive spin on "Ex-demoness" in a resume'?
MrBooze> "Recovering Demoness", Balth
MrBooze> It qualifies you for ADA protections
Balthayzr> I'm suprised she's not watching Springer. It would make her feel more at home.
Balthayzr> I'm sure there's some evil reason our little demoness has black roots...
MrBooze> No! I DON'T want any Jack Chick tracts!
Balthayzr> So, let me get this straight. Hell takes her horns, her wings, and her clothes, but she gets to keep hep powers? What kind of exiling is that?
Ironf> Nah she just uses her powers to hide her demon form, the opposite of My Demon Lover
Balthayzr> Geez, this movie is paced like a chess match.
Balthayzr> So, just who was that? Hell News Network?
Balthayzr> "All Saints Hospital"! HA! Stop it! I can't breathe!!!!!
MrBooze> So she found the doctor's latex stash.
Ironf> From porn to K-Mart
Ironf> Reverse the polarity!
MrBooze> Oh, no, he shorted her out!
Balthayzr> Cross the streams!!!
MrBooze> What sins could a whore commit in a single lifetime?
Plummz> Reservoir Bitches --ya gotta have a good bathroom story
Balthayzr> See, this is actually what happened to carrie after she was sent to Hell in the first movie.
MrBooze> She's a montage artist! RUN!
Balthayzr> Are they accidently showing this in slow-motion?
Ironf> That's what happens when you paint a portrait of the warden
Balthayzr> You think she was hired on the basis of her delightful Blank Stare?
MrBooze> There seems to be an area of darkness around her breasts.
Balthayzr> AHHHHH!!!! This *is* "My Demon Lover"!
* Balthayzr loads sniper rifle.
* Ironf points to the watertower
Ironf> When I think about you, I morph myself
MrBooze> Look I will not 69 if you don't stop lashing your tail.
Ironf> Ahh she had three legs
Ironf> oh wait
Balthayzr> Bed linen supplied by the Convieniently Placed Sheets company of Walla Walla, Washington.
Balthayzr> Great. Now, she's the Ghost Rider.
Balthayzr> Nice of her to leave the flesh-eating pooch.
MrBooze> I learned demon babes put out.
Balthayzr> I learned Hell is actually a subsidiary of Heaven, instead of being direct competition.
ServoT> I learned there are always job openings from ambitious young baptists in hell
MrBooze> Hell was acquired in a hostile takeover bake in the 70s
Balthayzr> Yea, Pugatory tried to buy all the outstanding stock, but Heaven offered them Valhalla at $30 a share to let it go.
Balthayzr> What was actually the point of this movie? Devils hate sin, but love sex? Angels are made of soap?
Ironf> Thank you pull through


"We don't wanna go to war today, but the lord of the lash says Nay! Nay! Nay!"
"Where there's a whip, there's a way!"
"My uncle showed me a crevice once...."
"Those are the biggest feet I've ever seen on a female...in my life."
"Slave? Oh, pleasepleaseplease...."
"The dogs shall eat their entrails"
"How would you like to die in a state of mortal sin?"
"Is this man your Master?"
"I'm sweating like a pig."
"She wanted to fornicate with you. Mix her fluids with yours."


There is a fine history of devils and demons in cinema. In an effort to educate our readers futher on this subject, HG Industries has put together this small compilation for your pleasure.

George Burns played the Devil in "Oh God, You Devil". This Dark One wasn't as 'hostile' as most, relying on his wits rather than outright power. Burns falls back onto the ever-popular Luciferian motif portraying the Devil as trickster.

Tim Curry electrified us all as a very evil Devil in "Legend". This devil used his power to try to conquer an over-budget fantasy land. He ultimately was put in his place by a fey Tom Cruise and Billy Barty.

Scott Valentine, better known as Nick the boyfriend from "Family Ties" was a demon in the film "My Demon Lover". This was a guy that turned into a demon anytime he became sexually aroused. He didn't particularly like the fact that he had a demon in him and throughout the film he fights to get rid of it and the powers it grants.

Al Pacino played the Devil in "The Devil's Advocate". This portrayal was one of the better examples of the ideal film Satan. He enjoyed his power and used to go to extremes in everything he did. Truly hedonistic, his plan for ruling the world was a close second.

Perhaps the most vile, evil, all around bad guy Devil the world of film has seen. Joel Schumacher. Beware his foul evil as it comes to a theater near you. Once he obtains power, everyone will be forced to wear a body armor suit complete with neon nipples and flashing codpieces. No one will be spared. His evil is well known. He is able to destroy moghty franchises with but two blows. Run while there is still time.

Ironf had a devil of a time on this