x180 FULL ECLIPSE (11/07/98)

Written by Richard Christian "Loose Cannons" Matheson and Michael "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm" Reaves
Directed by Anthony "Warlock: The Armageddon" Hickox

Full Eclipse, the movie that wasn't afraid to show the world the true, dark underbelly of the police force. We have Van Peebles, he's a good cop. His partner is wounded, but some folks sneak in and give him a shot that heals him overnight. He ends up with some super powers and cocky, so naturally he has to shoot himself in the head to end it all. Peebles starts to investigate and ends up uncovering the underground cop force that's made of people hooked on werewolf roids. He falls for one of the chicks, then ends up finding out that the real leader is the only actual werewolf. He has to destroy him, then, as nature teaches us, he becomes him by laying in his blood. Remember kids, you always become that which you most resist.


Plumm> Van Peebles are a cowardly, superstitious lot.
Ironf> BTW for those not in the know "Garou" is another name for werewolf, it's the olden name I think
BryanL> Tales of the City: The Lupine Edition
Plumm> Mario's got lice. Oh, wait, that's a network BUG.
BryanL> There's just something about Sweet Sweetback's Badass Son that makes a werewolf movie almost worth watching.
BryanL> Mario thinks he's Blade all of a sudden.
KevinL> Partner death, T-minus 1 minute and counting.
Q> antonio raimi comes on a little strong, no?
BryanL> Suddenly, the movie takes a turn into the unexplored arena of cop couples therapy.
KevinL> Mario's a grumpy philosophical cop.
Ironf> His partner Luigi can jump higher, it's a wacky teaming!
Balthayzr> So, what, they made an all-black version of Steel Magnolias? What is this?
BryanL> He calls Mario "Maxi Pad" 'cause Mario's absorbent and has wings.
Ironf> Right now he's dreaming of a 'Solo' project
BryanL> You know what's scarier than a werewolf cop? A werewolf cop with a plunger.
THX-1138> It's a Busta Rhymes video
Ironf> HooHaa Sidecar action!
Bice> Nice subliminal growling wolf noise.
BryanL> This is the one guy the werewolf cops forgot to tell "keep your abilities under wraps" to.
Balthayzr> Werewolf Cops! A Stephen Bocchio Production!!
Plumm> Bad Wolf, Bad Wolf. What I gotta do, what I gotta do just to housebreak you, Bad Wolf! o/~
Balthayzr> Nobody give you no rabies, police man give you rabies...
Djenk> So, werewolves can be killed with nickle plated alloys?
Bice> I haven't seen a movie this confused about whether it's a horror flick or a heartstring-tugging drama since "Pod People"
Ironf> Lords he is fey isn't he
Balthayzr> What, is the Assistant Commish named FangFace?
Ironf> I bet the writters thought themselves extra witty at having "A. Garou" on his door
Balthayzr> So, think this movie remembers that werewolves become vampires when they die?
BryanL> It's not so much a Noir as it is a light charcoal grey.
KevinL> I'd hate to think that I live in a time when Tupac was the "most controversial figure of our time".
BryanL> Now if THAT'S not the apartment of an urban, homosexual, supernatural creature I don't know what is.
Ironf> He's a close talker
BryanL> Werewolf serum as steroid analogy.
Balthayzr> "Hi, my name is MAx, and I'm a werewolf."
Q> geez, manos was less dubbed than this movie
THX-1138> Is this like that vigilante cop brotherhood from Martial Law?
Djenk> Is it moral for me to be allowed to prattle on like some quasi-cult leader
Q> almost an hour into the movie and no werewolves yet. gyp.
BryanL> It's Marvel werewolves.
Q> werewolf frog men
KevinL> It's lupostenedione.
BryanL> Hey, how come they have SHADOWS in the night vision goggles?
Ironf> cause its a crappy film overlay
BryanL> Well, yeah. I figured that.
Ironf> they couldn't afford real goggles AND Peebles
Ironf> See his nose is still wet, so he's ok
BryanL> Mario, speak of yourself in first or third person, but try to keep it consistent within the same fucking sentence.
Balthayzr> The Justice Werewolves! Coming soon to Saturday Morning!!
Q> and we care about her because...
BryanL> 'Cause she's blonde and her titties show, Q.
KevinL> Man, those airplane liquor bottles are getting smaller all the time.
KevinL> She's a were-ho.
BryanL> Doin' it wolf style.
* Balthayzr turns the hose on Were-Peebles.
BryanL> Shouldn't he be stuck inside her still?
Ironf> 10 mins in the box for dog knot joke bry
BryanL> I need something that will frighten them. I will become... a crappy werewolf?
Balthayzr> So, you think the werewolf police have some kind of hiring quota for other werecreatures?
BryanL> Walk around her a little slower, would you? I'm still awake.
BryanL> I think that claw needs to be a smidge fakier.
KevinL> This would be cooler if, when circling, he did that Spanish stomping dance thing.
Balthayzr> Uh, silver makes purple smoke spew from them?
Balthayzr> Looks more like he's a were-Shaft.
Ironf> The more excited he gets, the more a turtleneck sprouts from him
Balthayzr> And that's why you never store propane in your car. I'm Hank Hill, God bless.
Ironf> even semi-wolfed out, he looks fey
Plumm> Synchronized MANTISing.
BryanL> Alex Haley's "Mama's Family"? Call Harvey Korman.
BryanL> They're growly. Their clothes are randomly ripped. They're Werewolf Cops.
Balthayzr> Great. Now it's the all-black Buckaroo Banzai.
BryanL> N.Y.P.D. Garou
BryanL> 21 Hydrant Street
BryanL> Strips your glands? Call Paul Verhoeven. Showglands.
Ironf> Bry you have some deep running Verhoeven problems, don't you?
BryanL> No more than I would about any other Dutch hack who puts his violent masturbatory fantasies on the big screen for all to see and/or directs Total Recall.
Balthayzr> So, Peebles just filmed a Werewolf: The Apocalyse adventure?
KevinL> Microfiche Theatre.
Balthayzr> You know, this explains a lot. Last time I called the cops, they just sniffed my crotch and tried to hump my legs.
BryanL1> So he's making downer film? Silver nitrate and Demerol.
Balthayzr> Slimey Cat Puppets!!
* Q remembers the good old days when morphing was restricted to classy movies like willow
Balthayzr> Geez, Kolchak had better monsters than this.
Ironf> Ok people remember the end of Warlock?
BryanL1> That's an odd phrase. "Remember the end of Warlock".
Ironf> Do some quick subsitution and you'll have the end of this movie
THX-1138> Will Mario be able to get the rail gun?
Balthayzr> This being a Peebles vehicle, I eagerly await the relevation that this was all a plot against minorities.
Ironf> The werewolves are the minorities
THX-1138> They're an endangered species.
* Q vomits copiously over mario, the director, the writer, and everyone else involved in this fecal pile of a movie for that last scene
Ironf> He's going around the country hunting down Jack Palance


"Hey Maxi-pad"
"Hey go kiss a cat."
"Hey Maxwell House, que pasa?"
"You know...we just broke about 30 penal codes."
"Dey wuz freakin' animals"
"I'm top dog, remember?"
"You know, you scratch my back, I scratch yours."


*** VanPeebles has joined #MST-HomeGame
VanPeebles> So, did everyone understand the undertones of White Supremists I put in that movie?
whitelion1> not really
Djenk> Mario: Uh.....no actually
Q> it was superb. i feel more white guilt than can adequately be expressed, peeb
Ironf> 'peeb'
VanPeebles> Good. White guilt is good.
VanPeebles> See, the werewolves represent all cops, who regularly "maul" the rights of all minorities.
Djenk> mario: So how does the ending figure into all this?
VanPeebles> Me, uh, Max, is the only cop willing to Fight The System.
VanPeebles> It was just an excuse for me to tongue my costar.
Q> i suspected as much
THX-1138> But why Max? Why not a more african name?
VanPeebles> Max is short for Maxihuma, the name of my Pricely ancestor.
THX-1138> I came in late, so I guess I missed that part.
Djenk> So, the message is that minorities should rise up, destroy thier oppressors, then adopting thier methods to oppress others?
Q> exanguinate by any means necesary
Balthayzr> Control, not oppress.
Q> a kinder, gentler fascism

Ironf once met a werewolf. That or a reallly hairy guy.