x06 Destroy All Monsters (8/25/97)

WHO TO PRAISE
Director: Ishiro Honda
Script: Takeshi Kimura and Ishiro Honda
Producer: Tomoyuki Tanaka

MOVIE
An incredible story about color-coded, seemingly nameless men and their forbidden love for monstrous freaks of nature. SEE smug space women wearing +3 chain mail! SEE every other monster in existence become mindless tools of the evil alien conspiracy to accomplish something or other! You owe it to Godzilla and to your country to find the time to see this masterpiece of gritty rubber suit noir.

A SMEARED ASSORTMENT OF QUOTES
THX-1138> This is gonna be better than TNT Nitro.
Djenk> Credit design by Tokyo Construction Paper ltd
dungarees> They've stolen the great escape theme and tangofied it
Balthasar> Lego Kennedy Center-You build it!
lando5> Yes, it's all you can eat here on Monster Island
Gregleg> and introducing Beau Bridges as the wormy Mothra
THX-1138> You've captured these monsters, you've patented them, and now you're selling them...you're selling them!
Merlynn> Godzilla's cousin,also known as Stinky.
Balthasar> The Moon Base-what an original name! What'll they call the second base?
Gregleg> Quickly, insert more odd pauses in our sentences!
dungarees> It's good to know they're practicing safe phone
THX-1138> I get the feeling some of the jokes were lost in the translation.
nicklby> Where is Rodan, you stupid old man! Somebody's going to jail for this, but not me!
lando5> The United Nations Science Committee...which only Japan appears to belong to.
THX-1138> Godzilla wakes and bakes everyday. Whoo-hoo!
Gregleg> Apparently, the turtle monster called Gamera is indirectly involved...
nicklby> I'm glad Godzookie is there now. He adds so much to this scene
Merlynn> Ok,so the island was rock and dirt,and now it's rock and dirt,and they noticed a difference?
dungarees> This is a pale imitation of the coffee in skydivers
THX-1138> Wow, a radio with a built in picture frame. Gotta love Japanese technology.
Gregleg> well, at least a toy representing Paris was destroyed...
Balthasar> Monsterland Boasts convienient parking!
dungarees> resolved. Union workers will no longer wear goofy red outfits
Gregleg> This is only a theory, but I think the answer lies in the band Journey.
Balthasar> Yellow suits, yellow gas-am I missing some symbolism here?
Merlynn> Is that Charlie Sheen in asian make-up?
nicklby> here, calm down. smoke this.
dungarees> Monsterland is such a pejorative term
Jamie> When Trains Attack!
lando5> My rigid airlock is bearing down on your unprotected docking ring...
Balthasar> A creature? On Monsterland? Go on!
dungarees> Filmed in inhalovision
Gregleg> We now return to Roman Polanski's "Weekend at Shaq's"....
lando5> ...and pay no attention to the throbbing vein in my temple.
lando5> This is Moonlight SY3...Monsterland has been invaded by a Jazz Quartet.
Djenk> The old man's bowling ball hunting was rudely interrupted...
dungarees> They've done the wall in fish scales, it's darlin!
Balthasar> I get better weapons in my breakfast cereal.
Djenk> My breakfast cereal is a better weapon...
Jamie1> Secret Agent Super Yoshi
Merlynn> You thought of Wayne Newton while he was scanning you,didn't you?
Jamie1> Japanese Jehovah's witnesses
Gregleg> Their squib technology is light years ahead!
Balthasar> And the Smurfs are gathering Smurfberries-what's your point?
Djenk> it's a a..jelly belly!
Gregleg> It's a crouton
dungarees> It's a potato bug
Balthasar> It's a Pachinko ball!
Gregleg> It can be ALL those things and more.
THX-1138> Was this movie real? Find out next week on Beyond Belief...Fact or Fiction.
Gregleg> NOTE: there usually isn't much reverb at the shore
Balthasar> Let's make holow threats against someone controlling giant monsters, shall we?
nicklby> and when the smoke clears, they find the missiles did more damage than the monsters
Jamie1> so the missles fired at 70 degrees from the country side strike Godzilla from beneath?
Merlynn> Who would live in a break-away building?
Gregleg> Rodan vs. EPCOT, this time it's not really that personal...
THX-1138> It's about time Godzilla used his minty fresh breath. Gregleg> Here's hoping we can all be a little like Manda...
Balthasar> Do you really need special equipment to see the monsters coming? You'd think it would be rather obvious.
nicklby> and the sombrero is down!
lando5> Y'know...there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot of destroying all monsters going on here.
THX-1138> Our missles had no effect, but I'm sure our little peas shooters will.
Merlynn> And beeping,and flashing,THEY'RE FLASHING! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! THEY'RE BEEPING AND BLINKING AND FLASHING!
dungarees> Quick! We need more buzzy whirry things!
Gregleg> Yes. Oh? Godzilla? Right. Where is he? Yes. Ok. I see. He's attacking Tokyo. What's that? Yes. Yes. Right.
lando5> And Ghidhra's Gore-Tex wings stand up to all kinds of weather!
Jamie1> One small step for man, one giant rubber suit for mankind.
Balthasar> It's an old Dr. Who set we found! Isn't it cool?
Merlynn> Ok,so the Fellas in Brown turn the case over to the Men in Black or the Guys in Red.
THX-1138> Ooo, that "right" really came from the diaphragm.
dungarees> the breath of death is just so *done*
Jamie> Wild Palms. TURN IT OFF!
lando5> It's the Macy's Destroy-All-Monsters-Day Parade!
Jamie> Albert Napier IS The Godfather!
Gregleg> "I see. The dragon was really a sorcerer." Oh that explains everything. WHAT?!?!
THX-1138> Amazing, sir. Their world seems to be void of color. 

MST HG 
M O N S T E R !
          DESTROY ALL MONSTERS 
"Evil Space Nuns"
Kingdom: Alien Invaders
Genus: Self-righteous Goofballs
Species: Kinky Space Vixens
Special Powers: They can control giant, rubber monsters, set hubcaps on fire, and turn people into zombie slaves(they seem to prefer men)
Weakness: Guys in plastic suits and sub-volcanic temperatures.
Notes: The Evil Space Nuns seem to be all-female. They also seem to like keeping a generous amount of male zombie love slaves around (Where do I sign up?),who also can withstand the volcanic temperatures the ESN need to live in. The ESN's most common form of dress seems to be chain mail habits.
  
lando5> State of the art teletypes will bring the monsters back under control.
Gregleg> There was no monster. I mean, there were a few monsters.
Balthasar> So, what did we learn?
THX-1138> I learned to never trust asian women dressed in chain mail.
Merlynn> I learned the Men in Black are no match for the Guys in Brown.
THX-1138> I learned that when asked politely, giant monsters can be our friends.
Balthasar> I learned you should always keep giant monsters around in case of invasion.
Gregleg> I also learned that it's appropriate to endlessly parrot and/or question perfectly understandable statements.
Merlynn> I learned I like to shake.

MOST REVEALING LINES FROM THE FILM
"They are confined within scientific walls..."
"Listen to the monsters and their cries of horror and sudden death..."
"Doctor! Don't get. Yourself. So excited. I want. All. Of you. To cooperate."
"In order to build the civilization, we must sacrifice some lives."
"What's happened to you, doctor? Have you been brainwashed?"
"The damage is horrible. Yes, Tokyo is in ruins."
"A burning monster is on his way! Burning monster? I've never heard of one."
"Is it a failure then? Are we all doomed?"


HIT START     MONSTER! by Merlynn