x343 DEADLY FRIEND (10/30/99)

Directed by: Wes "I was vacationing in Europe the whole time" Craven.

Written by: Bruce Joel "I was sketching out the first draft of Ghost" Rubin, based on the novel Friend by Diana "I was working at my day job" Henstall

Starring: Many people who quite mistakenly thought that Craven had some kind of special moviemaking touch--and the late Anne 'Mama' Ramsey.

The film that failed to start a sub-genre of teen flicks: Boy moves to new town, impresses the local abused girl with his robot, then becomes so incensed at her death that he implants a factory-surplus CPU in her brain, which sends her on the requisite vengeful killing spree. And really, wouldn't having an itchy, uncooled chip in one's brain cause ANYONE to do the same? Until you've made a circuit in another's daughterboard, you cannot judge.

MAClear> Warner Brothers and the Warner sister Dot.
Ratbert> 20 seconds and already a hick...this is gonna be a long'un
Ironf> Every 5th frame is a frame that says "Kill yourself to save seeing the rest of this"
EvilJen> Short Circuit gone wrong. Number 5 is DEATH.
Cthulhu> What was that? Did Gizmo and R2D2 have a love child?
Ratbert> WES CRAVEN!
EvilJen> Thank you, Wes Craven, for letting live, laugh, and love again.
EvilJen> Ah, they're using a 386 computer for the graphics.
Cthulhu> Just a happy newlywed couple with their cybernetic killing machine.
my-crow> ohh no, so this is what's inside teletubbies.
Ironf> I meant to do that.
Trademark> 'Tom's anatomically correct, which you'll find out later.'
Ironf> It's hard to give the finger with just a claw.
Cthulhu> It say's Intel Inside.
Ratbert> And just like your brain or mine, I can rip it out whenever I want!
EvilJen> Someday, I hope to make him my own personal jerker.
Ironf> Can he, uhhhh, play like *that*?
MAClear> Are his gonads not like ours too?
Cthulhu> B.B. Put that thing away!
Ironf> Good, we got to the phallic imagry nice and fast.
EvilJen> Required scenes in a horror movie away!
Cthulhu> Three little droids from school are we....
EvilJen> Look, UNIVAC! BeeBee's great aunt!
Ratbert> So, is this the "special" brother Johnny Five never talks about?
Ironf> This is merlynn, isn't it
Trademark> 'I need electricity for my bunghole!"
Ironf> Hi, I'll be groping you later.
MAClear> Please pardon my erection.
EvilJen> Hmmm, Sam is going to be part of an after school special.
Cthulhu> I fell down some steps will walking into a door while having an accident.
EvilJen> Can a dad get any skankier?
Trademark> Oweeeeeeeeeeeen!
Ironf> You lazy poop.
Ratbert> BB has a sudden urge to throw Mrs Parker from the train
MAClear> This gang is called The Gay Scooter Patrol.
Ironf> Evolver entering Whup Ass mode
Ratbert> You shouldn't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry
THX-1138> Wow, it's a robot that can give you a 45 minute long hand job
EvilJen> Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing.
Ironf> "He can crush them if he wants. He has three multi-valve compressors."
Trademark> 'You're developing cancer down there, by the way.'
EvilJen> did he ask him if he was getting jiggy with it?
THX-1138> Why does it sound like Yoda if Yoda smoked 10 packs a day?
THX-1138> I was done eating, until you came over...ifyaknowwhatImean
Ratbert> That einstein poster really scores with the ladies
MAClear> This must be some alternate universe where hot girls fall for wussy computer geeks.
Cthulhu> Wanna see me crack into defense department computers?
Ironf> You wanna see my electron etchings?
Cthulhu> It's time for her 8 p.m. beating.
Ironf> Her dad listens to too much Britney Spears and thinks that's what they want.
THX-1138> Daddy likes to put on an alien mask and abduct his daughter
EvilJen> Tell me again how the white trash dad could afford in the upper class neighborhood?
MAClear> She lives in Barbie's Dream House.
EvilJen> She dreams of running off with her nerdy prince and his robotic squire.
EvilJen> Ah, inspirational, yet slightly, evil montage music.
MAClear> Mrs. Parker needs that to go one on one with Sprewell later on.
BEMaven> Please Throw Momma Off The Team
Cthulhu> She's got this whole property rights thing backwards.
Ironf> The robot's thinking 'I'll see you IN HELL!'
EvilJen> And he goes into predator mode.
THX-1138> I can't believe they actually made the robot's chest out of an acutal ice chest
BEMaven> uh, does the robot drool or something?
MAClear> Do all computer programmers get to poke around in cadavers' heads?
Trademark> Now he makes the pumpkin move.
Fox> now they're going to bring pumpkins to life with his new discovery
BEMaven> foreshadowing... they'll put a human brain in the pumpkin.
THX-1138> Snorting too much coke again?
Cthulhu> I triped and bashed my nose on my father's fist.
EvilJen> The more you know....
BEMaven> hey, there's something playing pinocle up her snout.
Ironf> And now, the stolen ET scene.
MAClear> Whoa, these kids are WILD.
BEMaven> and KITT zaps the little brat with the shaving cream.
EvilJen> Aren't they 10 years too old for Trick or Treating?
Trademark> She's dressed as Jesus?
THX-1138> Gangsta Jesus.
EvilJen> 16 men all lost at see, all of them drunk except for me.
BEMaven> is there any point in having a robot who talks like the Tasmanian Devil?
Trademark> It was 1 2 3.
THX-1138> "This could take all night." I bet he's said that a lot
THX-1138> I bet BB's hand speed could come in handy
Ironf> plop
Ratbert> Gee, lets stay INSIDE the fence...
MAClear> Don't run out the front gate that's two feet away.
Fox> the red eyes of death
Trademark> He'll never play the combination lock again...
THX-1138> And c3-po volunteers the use of his parts to repair BB
Trademark> Is now a good time to announce the pregnancy?
MAClear> Dad's having his Thanksgiving beer.
THX-1138> This movie likes to hit up all the dysfunctional holidays
MAClear> I feel a really classy cinematic moment coming on.
Ironf> At least the steps are made of marshmellow.
Ironf> plop
Trademark> 'What a coincidence, I have a nosebleed again!'
BEMaven> couldn't Wes Craven just mail the foreshadowing to us and skip filming the movie?
EvilJen> How did she live that long with a father like that?
Ironf> You get up or I'll give you something to die about!
THX-1138> Wow, this movie predicted Jen Benet years before it happened
Cthulhu> When she get's back she'll be a drooling veg.
BEMaven> close her up? who broke your hands, Ben Casey?
EvilJen> Doogie Howser is pissed
EvilJen> He has an idea so crazy it just might work.
Cthulhu> I'm going to turn her into my cybernetic boy toy.
THX-1138> You owe me for that one night behind the 7-11!
Ironf> Dude, after what I did to you in the tent, you own me!
Trademark> Iocaine powder? Why?
Ironf> Man, he's putting roofies in his mom's drinks. That's got to be wrong.
Ratbert> How much coke in your coffee, mom?
BEMaven> Mom just lives in the kitchen, doesn't she?
Cthulhu> Nothing Ma, it's just coffemate.
MAClear> *4 hours later* Mmm, that's good coffee.
Ratbert> I don't think you should mix dropouts with caffeine
THX-1138> Or I can sit here sedated
MAClear> Come on Paul just bore her till she falls asleep.
MAClear> They're taking the Mystery Machine.
Ironf> And the neighbor dad comes over to *visit*
Cthulhu> You get the jumper cables, I'll get the Commodore 64.
BEMaven> why are they smuggling a car battery into the hospital?
Trademark> They're going to have some fun in the psych ward.
my-crow> i feel sleepy.. this movie drugged me.
Cthulhu> Unfourtuntely his watch is 15 minutes slow.
THX-1138> This is kind of like Sneakers, only not as cool
Fox> has dad changed his clothes since we first met him
Trademark> He'll have to fetch his own beer from now on...
Cthulhu> Well, I going to try to make it before last call.
Fox> and they pulled the plug 3 minutes early
MAClear> this whole thing must have been planned by the 3 Stooges.
Ironf> Soitenly.
BEMaven> he needed a diversion... and we need a bigger one than this crap movie.
THX-1138> Great, now she's gonna be a cyborg with brain damage
Ironf> Um you took the battery out, the van won't start
BEMaven> 'i put my girlfriend's body in a soiled laundry basket and you dare to call me crazy?'
Trademark> Hnmmm... I want one of those home Radio Shack x-ray kits, but I don't think I could put it together.
BEMaven> he's going to put an afro pick in her brain?
THX-1138> Yeah, really sterile to open up her head and not shave her hair
MAClear> He programmed that chip so she'll have unceasing sexual desire for him.
Cthulhu> Now, she'll roam around mumbling and say "B.B."
Trademark> Very Weird Science.
Fox> I wonder if she has a mute button now
BEMaven> ~o/ i'm sorry that i turned you on...~o/
Ratbert> Remote controlled girl friend...that could be popular
THX-1138> Mom, we hit a girl on the road, can we eat her for dinner?
MAClear> I didn't know brain surgery was so simple. Looks like anyone can do it.
Ironf> I know who you reprogrammed last summer.
THX-1138> Mom was raped by a burlger
MAClear> He's gonna need another chip.
EvilJen> If he's a doctor, shouldn't he just feel her pulse?
THX-1138> What happens to the girl when y2k hits? Does she go down?
MAClear> Now Mom's hooked on tranqulizers and doesn't know it.
Trademark> Now she's *really* hooked on coffee.
my-crow> and now the taking advantage of her while she's dead part.
THX-1138> Error 404 file not found
MAClear> She actually looks less vacuous now.
EvilJen> You like that, baybee, huh, feel that, you like that?
Fox> rigor mortis has set in apparently
BEMaven> the sad thing is... he needs a mouse to operate her now.
Cthulhu> Domo Auregato MRS. Roboto.
Fox> so where's the deadly part come in?
Cthulhu> He better not be keeping her in the closet.
THX-1138> I bet his new robo-chyck battles with Vicki.
Ironf> When does he install the nipple guns?
MAClear> 'Oil can, oil can.'
Fox> wow, lots of eye shadow
Ironf> I wonder if she puts this on her resume
Trademark> That's the hard way to become Goth, Fox.
Cthulhu> So, who wants to place any bets on how long it will take for her to start rotting?
EvilJen> Isn't this date rape?
BEMaven> 'honey, the cat is acting up again. could you reinstall its OS?'
Trademark> Imagine. He'll have to download her patches at 1200 bps. Probably through Compuserve.
BEMaven> he just can't get through to his dead girlfriend since she started running on Linux.
Fox> were y'all raised in a barn! Shut the furnace door!!
MAClear> 'Please, do what you want to me but don't harm the booze.'
Cthulhu> Undead Cyborg Payback.
Trademark> Comeuppance!
THX-1138> Thank you for your co-operation.
BEMaven> that usually doesn't happen till he empties the bottle.
MAClear> These two both think that acting involves bulging your eyes a lot.
BEMaven> nice that the computer in her brain increases her strength 10 times.
EvilJen> Wes Craven likes singed flesh.
MAClear> 'Uh, excuse me, have you seen a dead girl with a chip in her head anywhere?'
Cthulhu> Mmmmmm... Something smells good.
THX-1138> And in the furnace was a beating heart!
Ironf> 'would you like to play a game...'
MAClear> I bet if she wanted to do it with him right next to Dad's corpse he would.
Fox> did he just bury the dad?
Trademark> Apparently, he didn't match the pins before he installed the chip.
MAClear> So no one else in the neighborhood notices the black smoke spewing from the house?
BEMaven> well, the neighbors are running on slower processors.
Trademark> And now, she reads a poem about her cat.
THX-1138> Anyway, you up for sex?
MAClear> I'm sure that with time he can come up with a good explanation for all this.
Ironf> I see nothing wrong with building your own Stepford girlfriend.
Ironf> The riviting thumb scratching scene
Fox> this is for shooting me up when I was a bot
MAClear> She's being attacked by Michael Jordan.
Fox> wow, she can make basketballs do her bidding
THX-1138> That's Jon Voit's ball
MAClear> Some thugs want to broke in to play HORSE with her.
BEMaven> 'get out, you damned Dennis Rodman!'
Trademark> She has the same texture as the ball, more or less.
EvilJen> That's what I call "travelling".
Trademark> She got game!
THX-1138> Let's...play blall
BEMaven> she choked on her over-dub.
BEMaven> on the bright side, the old hag gets a free-throw.
Cthulhu> Yeah... a basketball can do that... IF YOU THREW IT AT MACH 5!
THX-1138> The Warren commission will have a field day with their single basketball theory
Ironf> back and to the left, back and to the left
BEMaven> is this the part where he re-animates the Harlem Globetrotters.
Cthulhu> I hate when my sex fantasys are spoiled by guilt over stashing my dead neighbors corpse in a coal bin.
Fox> time to die for putting the chip in my head
MAClear> Why did he program her to constantly do the Vulcan salute.
Fox> folks, we don't want to alarm you, but she was beheaded by a basketball
BEMaven> she died as she lived... shaving plot points.
Fox> she's giving herself a few implants
MAClear> He could solve this problem is he'd just figure it out using his good old TRS-80.
Fox> she has got to learn how to open a door
Ironf> Man is not a machine.
MAClear> 'What's wrong with you? What are you, an undead cyborg?'
Trademark> 'I'm taking your brain back. You suck at Pong.'
Fox> say, if he goes all the way with her, is it necrophilia?
Trademark> Electrophilia as well.
BEMaven> she processes 'don't move' as meaning go out and kill someone with a prop.
Cthulhu> Foiled by an open campus!
BEMaven> 'uh, uh. you must be hooked on Coffemate.'
Ironf> Come out, come out, where ever you are!
Cthulhu> Errrr... Paul... bits of her are falling off.
MAClear> See how fast you can rip off his head.
BEMaven> why did he program her to act like Shields and Yarnell?
Fox> they ran, therefore they must die
Ironf> But Paul, I used to molest her, so she might not like me.
BEMaven> fight on the piano. saves money on incidental music.
THX-1138> Stop the insanity!
BEMaven> Hal Needham's homelife, folks.
Trademark> It's all about the endians.
BEMaven> 'honey, why do we always have to keep up with the stunt doubles next door?'
MAClear> This guy must like having his balls grabbed.
THX-1138> This is like the end of Boogie Nights...sort of
Fox> oh no, her vocal cords broke
Cthulhu> Remember this?
MAClear> How come she's not moving so stiff and robotically anymore?
Cthulhu> Now she's on Elm Street.
Ironf> Sam 6.7
MAClear> I guess the cops just gave up.
BEMaven> 'if you cannot afford an attorney, you have the right to shareware.'
Ironf> NOOOOOO She's throwing gang signs!
Cthulhu> And the last thing that went through her CPU was: Oh no.. not again!
Fox> we can make her better, faster, softer, stronger.
Cthulhu> But not bullet proof.
MAClear> Gee, I have no idea what's gonna happen next.
Trademark> God, would you just put some money aside for a hooker if you're that desperate!?
MAClear> Yay, a happy ending.
Ironf> And now the Beebee theme
THX-1138> "BB! B..B...B...BB...B...B...BB..."
Fox> I gotta go, I'm afraid my computer will plant its seed in me and turn me into a machine
MAClear> So, what should be Wes Craven's punishment for this movie?
Ironf> Rap Master P can't match this.
BEMaven> the theme for the next Craven movie should be 'Y... Y... Y...?'

Trademark has added Samantha to 100 Cyborgs I'd Like to Pork. It's a...coffee-table book.

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