Written by Neal "Police Academy 1&2, Look Who's Talking Too, and, strangely, Real Genius" Israel
Directed by Christopher "25 year career, the highlight of which is Nightmare Cafe" Leitch

The Patty Duke Show, Still Rockin' In Brooklyn Heights has a very long title. Scientists who have examined the title have determined that it consists of nine separate and distinct word forms, one of which is the colloquialism, Rockin', short for "rocking", meaning "that which rocks". For purposes of simplicity, the movie will henceforth be abbreviated as TPDS:SR'IBH. The peculiar thing about the use of the word "R'" in TPDS:SR'IBH is that, to the best of our knowledge, nobody actually r's in TPDS:SR'IBH. Oh, sure, 90% of the cast is older than a r, and watching TPDS:SR'IBH is strangely akin to having your skull repeatedly bashed in by a big r, but nothing in this CBS geriatric throwback comes even close to actually r'.

mgrasso> the captain janeway workout
mgrasso> so, patty duke... wasn't she a drug addict?
Plumm> bigtime
Ironf> Just look at how old she is, then think to yourself how old her dad was in the tv show. And he's still around!
mgrasso> it must be the keith richards phenomenon
Ironf> No, I don't think she was a druggie. She was a manic-depressive that finally got her prozac
Plumm> hot dogs!
mgrasso> child actors! back for more!
Ironf> I'm old!
mgrasso> oh, for fun!
Plumm> with shoil
mgrasso> so, her mom's a drag queen.
Ironf> Bry, welcome to the William Shallit is O-L-D party
Plumm> what? they shove their kilts in each other faces?
Ironf> I guess his Scotishness makes this movie not crrrrrap
mgrasso> i mean, patty duke is 70, right?
Plumm> they've gotten similar plastic surgery over the years, also
mgrasso> well, if she hadn't spent 250 thou on the thermometer thing there.
Plumm> Date of birth (location)
Plumm> 14 December 1946,
Ironf> And now, scenery chewing.
mgrasso> plenty of good wholesome christian mime.
Plumm> that would make her an alleged 52
BryanL> Nice to see Matthew Lillard's still working.
Ironf> Feel my ass! I mean, no wait. Sorry
Ironf> I hope that isn't a rectal thermometer
mgrasso> everyone is irish and new zealandish and !kung as well
BryanL> Luckily, Jake and Elwood are getting the band back together.
BryanL> Fifty years, and she still hasn't learned to keep yelling at people until they recognize her as a unique, separate individual.
Ironf> Did we really need Cindy Williams?
BryanL> This movie's just gotten chock full of schlamozzle.
mgrasso> holy shit, that is her.
Plumm> and a hollowed out shirley feeney is introduced to bouncy stock music
mgrasso> you know, that's more crimson than i would *ever* wear.
Ironf> The coke and acid tabs hollowed her out, didn't it plumm?
Plumm> CORMAN!
Ironf> HAH!
mgrasso> a little nod to the HGers.
mgrasso> they must have known we were MSTing this.
Plumm> We WILL serve crepes suzette in the cafeteria!
mgrasso> yeah. she's 52. sure.
BryanL> Man, if I see Brian Benben and a pair of naked tits next, I'm out of here.
Ironf> Is there going to be old clips weaved in throughout the film?
BryanL> Inevitably. It's now officially an uber-bughunt.
mgrasso> what hair? that's the breast cancer survivor special from supercuts.
Ironf> and after 200 years of this, she doesn't immediatly know it's her twin doing it?
BryanL> When I see my twin sis, I touch myself.
mgrasso> oh, how cute. she's doing duchovny from "dreamland."
Plumm> wow, they look like the marx bros corpses in that scene
BryanL> Let's face it, this is drastically different from our usual crap.
mgrasso> well, we did do the brady bunch one.
BryanL> Yeah, but the Brady one was already 15 years old by the time we got to it, Mike.
mgrasso> i'm enjoying MSTing the CBS commercials more than the movie.
Ironf> Shallit is like the granddad in the Texas chainsaw movies.
Plumm> i'm a bit of a trainspotter, eh?
mgrasso> see, this dinner table is CBS's core demographic. 15 year old kids and 70 year old men in pink polo shirts.
BryanL> A split screen makes me lose control.
mgrasso> wait, *when* we're really old?
mgrasso> ah, the all-important "plot arc" episode from the original series
mgrasso> without that one, you can't understand any of the other eps.
BryanL> That's Coast to Coast 24 point, by the way.
Plumm> they really shouldn't run with that. only roosevelts breed cousins that close.
BryanL> Ironically, that's the exact same size as the audience this turdburger is pulling down even as we speak.
my-crow-soft> put in lord of the dance
BryanL> He's gonna play Tubthumping or 500 Miles, isn't he.
mgrasso> ah, time for some proclaimers!
Ironf> Hahaha My-crow actually called one.
BryanL> This is just like that scene in Titanic where I clawed my eyes out.
Ironf> I offically make this the worst movie EVER
BryanL> Since when was Shirley the Master to Patty Duke's Seventh Doctor?
mgrasso> oh, married five times. four times to larry king.
BryanL> I think we're deep into subplot 7 by now, in case anyone's counting.
mgrasso> actually guys, that was me. i met patty. she was good in the sack.
mgrasso> she hadn't been with a man in so long, she thought i was 90 years old.
Plumm> i bet if you coke her up, she fucks like a tiger, mg
mgrasso> ah, third degree burns! what a hoot!
mgrasso> ha! publicity stills from the series!
mgrasso> you know, this morning, howard stern asked if they were going to use the same lame split screren as the original series. i think we all should give howard more credit.
*** smilly (smilly@ambuss144.wi-net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
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BryanL> Smilly's sense of NO!
mgrasso> i'm going to go prepare the absinthe and 7-up.
Ironf> 'I'll build a bomb and blow her car up' - Irish lad
BryanL> They've hacked into her Palm Desktop. That oughta work.
Plumm> You know, Willow doesn't put up with this white bobby mcferrin crap when she's hacking.
BryanL> He's got Robert Reilly eyes...
mgrasso> what's going on?
mgrasso> did i miss something?
BryanL> It's some kind of deep Patty Duke injoke.
mgrasso> damn. i should read the fanzines more often.
Ironf> They all just filled their depends at once and the smell is killing them all.
mgrasso> CBS *wonders* why their average viewer is in a coma.
Ironf> And to save this show, Sammo Hung breaks in and goes kung-fu crazy on Cindy
BryanL> This is actually the pilot for a wacky new series... Leona and Shirley.
mgrasso> remember when we played "no-no touch" in the basement?
BryanL> For once, I'd actually -like- the NYPD to raid this shindig, a plunger in each hand.
BryanL> Oh, and Shatner called, he wants to know who does your hair, "Rock".
BryanL> "I've got a head for the Great White Way". Does that count as GPS?
mgrasso> if it involves broadway, yeah, certainly.
Ironf> anyone else have two short blackouts with no sound or picture?
mgrasso> nope.
mgrasso> i wish.
BryanL> It hurts to see the Shermometer forced to work in crap like this.
BryanL> Oh, what a lovely, wacky turn this movie has taken. Remember everyone, DOWN the wrist, not across.
mgrasso> oh, just hire gwyneth paltrow. she'll work for nothing.
mgrasso> i think i'll use scrubbing bubbles on my tender bits.
BryanL> Kevin's not here because, well, I think he's smarter than I am.
BryanL> We're ancient. I have to come on strong. I've only got about three months left.
Ironf> I'm a real freak in the sack Hank. You like bondage?
BryanL> I've got a bottle of Viagra and Bob Dole's wooden arm. Let's get busy.
mgrasso> baseball analogy man.
BryanL> They're in a car, there's baseball metaphors... if they start playing Paradise By The Dashboard Light my soul will die forever.
BryanL> Oh, wait. They can't play Paradise. There's only an hour left in the movie.
mgrasso> ah, so she's keeping the door open for hot lezbian action.
BryanL> She's got a bottle of Viagra and Bob Dole's -real- arm...
Ironf> It's a little known fact that Bob Dole had a special vibrator built into his index finger of his bad arm. Itt'ssss truuuueee!
mgrasso> no wonder liddy's always smiling
BryanL> Without a doubt, that was the most pleasant giant chunk of stuff I've ever gotten in my eye. For thirty glorious seconds, I couldn't see the movie.
Ironf> I'm old!
mgrasso> well, i must say, in anyone else's hands, having an age-reversed romeo and juliet would be interesting.
Plumm> damn this movie makes me need to jab a fork in my eye.
BryanL> That's what this movie needs. "backstage shenanigans".
Ironf> how sad is it that I've been following the plot that well?
mgrasso> i weep for you, ironf
Ironf> you do understand there is STILL 40 MINS OF THIS LEFT!!
mgrasso> it's degrading into a beckett play.
BryanL> The sad part is, this wasn't actually in the script for this. It just happened on set and they worked it in.
Ironf> It's experimental theater.
Ironf> a little junk into the viens should help her
BryanL> She gets the Lifetime channel in her skull. Cool.
mgrasso> you know, i thought branagh was *faithful* to shakespeare.
BryanL> Never hire Vigo the Carpathian's dad as your henchman.
mgrasso> so, it's just vignette after vignette, with shirl trying to kill people?
BryanL> I read in USA Weekend that the verbal repartee between Patty and Shirley was the high point of this movie. So, you know... there you go.
Ironf> Ya don't COOK pies!
BryanL> Pie. Once again, CBS aims right for its target demographic.
BryanL> The entire cast of Diagnosis Murder's going to show up any minute now, isn't it.
mgrasso> wow. this movie has broken us.
BryanL> You've wasted the time of over 3,000 CBS viewers, too.
Plum> they still haven't let us in on the secret either, huh?
BryanL> What do you mean, "secret"?
Plum> that was way back at like subplot three.
BryanL> The secret is, they're not really twins. They're not even related.
mgrasso> he'll be cryin' hemself to sleep tonight on his huuuuuuge pilla.
Plum> especially when john astin helped me get work on night court, i loved that
my-crow-soft> the city of new york is run by morons ?
Ironf> And she becomes the Brad Pitt stalker girl
BryanL> Hey, lady, everyone need see Stone Adams.
Ironf> emergency letterbox manuver
Ironf> Patty-fu!
BryanL> A hot dog makes her stalk and kill, apparently.
BryanL> And now, for everyone's favorite party game, Hosing Down The Henchman.
Plum> and they die the end
Plum> you know, this movie seriously props up the theory that CBS is basically a 50-year-old MK-ULTRA program.
BryanL> Still, it's ending with her crushing failure and defeat, so that's something.
BryanL> Um....
BryanL> Um......
my-crow-soft> er ?
Plum> ah
mgrasso> hmm.
Plum> see, everyone but patty knew "the bomb" woulkd be singing.
BryanL> Eh... the thermometer's full. They've got their money. Can it, uh, end, uh, now?
mgrasso> patty lane... is in my ears, and in my eyes.
Ironf> she was wiping the extra coke off her nose.
BryanL> Yes, if it weren't for drama teachers who can't act, and who lash out in attempts to stalk and kill other actors, where would our children be?
mgrasso> well, they have all the rhythm i expected them to.
BryanL> Only on CBS could the phrase "rock this joint" be followed by a violin and a DX-7.
BryanL> Wait... we've done this once already.
BryanL> With the fake Studly.
Plum> ..she stored dead whores in a cave . . .
BryanL> We've had this speech, why is it happening again?
BryanL> It's a Mobius ending.
mgrasso> a guy named rock.
mgrasso> a guy named stone.
mgrasso> is this the flintstones?
mgrasso> liam, you little scottish moppet, you.
mgrasso> come down to city hall and service the mayor, will you?
Plum> you'll be a prison bitch, son!
Plum> and theme song motif
mgrasso> how many times have i taken the lord's name in vain tonight?
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, your cast's last known photos.
mgrasso> they just gave up at the end with the video toaster nonsense, didn't they?
Plum> at first i thought they were gonna tell us how each of the characters died when they went to the pictures.
mgrasso> that's the most fun i've had in well over two hours.
BryanL> You know, I think that was the worst experience of my life. And I can't think of three people I'd rather have shared it with.
mgrasso> i wonder what kinda ratings that pulled down.
mgrasso> this movie took 15 points off my IQ, permanently.
BryanL> Fifteen? What did you do, fall asleep in the middle? I may start liking MS Comic Sans after this movie.
BryanL> Identical fuck you, Plumm.


"All you know about America is from TV and movies!"
"Miss Lane rules!"
"Should have stuck to the other dress, thrift store girl."
"Yo what's up, wanna party!"
"That's because they charge double for extra smells."
"Want some oysters?"
"She's a teacher, not an actor."


It appears that aspects of this film may have induced psychic premonition in the brains of those present.

Plumm> this is gonna hurt
BryanL> We're so screwed.
mgrasso> between the canadian and scottish accents, we're in for quite a tour de force
BryanL> This is a serious fucking bug hunt. And the presence of Take Five isn't fucking HELPING!
Plumm> oh, dear god
BryanL> I sense 80 seconds to wackiness ensuing.
mgrasso> uh, bry? game over, man.
mgrasso> game over.
mgrasso> bug hunt. goddamn abso-fucking-lutely right.
my-crow-soft> i couldn't think it would get any worse,
Plum> the secret landing in 5
Plum> 4
Plum> 3
Plum> 2
Plum> 1
BryanL> Anyone wanna bet she gets covered in food before this movie ends?
BryanL> See the plate?
BryanL> Here it comes...
BryanL> Wait for it....
mgrasso> i see food!
Ironf> Bingo!
mgrasso> pie shoving!
BryanL> SAY IT!


BryanL> Did you hear? They said the INTERNET! It's MODERN! The INTERNET!
mgrasso> hey look guys... a FAX MACHINE!
mgrasso> it's MODERN!
BryanL> Pink hair! It's the NINETIES!
mgrasso> oh a gay couple! it's the NINETIES!
mgrasso> oh, wait, she's a chick.
BryanL> Laser pointers! THE NINEFUCKINTIES!
mgrasso> oh, it's NINETIES! kill me.
my-crow-soft> INTERNET
mgrasso> hacked!
mgrasso> INTERNET
my-crow-soft> COMPUTERS
mgrasso> COMPUTERS
my-crow-soft> internet, gig, the 90's


my-crow-soft> does she have a twin ?
my-crow-soft> another dress,
my-crow-soft> in another room,
my-crow-soft> magic
my-crow-soft> another dress,
my-crow-soft> another room
my-crow-soft> magic
my-crow-soft> wait.
my-crow-soft> ahh is this for real ?
my-crow-soft> most of her children are of the gonzo from ahhh... the adams family, you know gonzo,

A hot dog makes BryanL lose control. Like you didn't see -that- one coming.