X199 EVOLVER (1/23/99)

MOVIE
Evolver is yet another in a long line of teensploitation films. The psudo-film stars Ethan "Randall" Embry (AKA Preston "Wuss-boy who wants to play with Jennifer Love Hewitt's titanic orbs of fun flesh" Meyers in Can't Hardly Wait, the lastest incarnation of Rusty Griswald in Vegas Vacation, or the bass player in That Thing You Do! where he co-starred with Sean Whalen), as a "hacker" who ends up winning an Evolver prototype toy from the Q Continuum (so you know there's something going on). It turns out through random exposition and action scenes, Evolver is nothing more than an Atomic Robot with a built in Laser Tag-BB-paintball combo gun, smoke machine, and vibrator who wants to win at all costs. Anyway, you have the typical attempt to steal from John Hughes movies, like when Embry's non-love interest Jamie Saunders convinces him to take his dad's restored '76 Pinto and drive to Chicago, but that's all B-plot stuff. In the A-plot, Evolver goes bezerk because he gets urinated on by the family dog and starts killing people. Since Johnny 5 isn't around to save the day, Embry has to do something that could be considered saving the day. In the end, John de Lancie dies, Evolver manages to lay an egg in Madison Square Garden, Embry goes on to co-star in White Squall to do his own stunts, and we learn not to take killer robots from washed-up Star Trek actors.

COMMAND ALPHA! DELETE! DELETE!
Balthayzr> Attack of the WireFrame People!!!
THX-1138> In Tron world
my-crow-soft> they didn;t have enoguh ram to place the textures in place
Ironf> please deposit 50 cents
Balthayzr> Or, the Christian version of this film, Creationer.
my-crow-soft> belive it or not, but this is a schematics for a pez dispenser
BEMaven> filmed in CAD-CAM cam.
BEMaven> what exactly is the spline's motivation in that shot.
Ironf> in the future, there are always lots of bald guys
THX-1138> No fair! H'es using a power glove!
BEMaven> what's a lawnmower doing in his virtual reality?
Balthayzr> What's with all this "Bites it" talk? Is there a homosexual context I'm not getting?
THX-1138> With the balst shield down, how am I supposed to see it?
BEMaven> don't hit Haji in there.
Balthayzr> Alicia Silverstone IS Lolita in Joysticks II!
THX-1138> Hacking with a TRS-80
* Balthayzr types 3 words and hacks into NATO.
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #529 - You can always tell the cool lab guys, because they drink coffee or tea out of the beakers.
BEMaven> Life just called...it said the hero will never get it.
Ironf> S-words for 100 Alex
BEMaven> it's the same high school used in 'Zapped Again'.
Balthayzr> How dare you win a prize!!! You're grounded!!
THX-1138> Are yoooooooou reeeeeady to Eeeeeeeevolve?!
Ironf> Prepare to be killed in the comfort of your own home
THX-1138> Evolver, your own electronic sex toy!
BEMaven> the next evolution in entertainment is an overweight Transformer?
THX-1138> I'm the atomic robot. Give my best wishes to everybody
Balthayzr> Mom looks a *little* too happy.
BEMaven> she noticed the vibrator attachment, Balth.
Balthayzr> Then, after Level 5, he just knives you in your sleep.
BEMaven> will the disks eject on the clean carpet? ewwww
THX-1138> Evolver ordered hookers!
Balthayzr> "Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!!!!!"
Balthayzr> Initiate Cry-baby Mode.
BEMaven> great. a toy that's beat on kids. it'll make drunk fathers obsolete.
Ironf> Evolver now planning you death. Have a good day
Balthayzr> That's what every kid wants. a toy that commits Assault.
Ironf> Evolver now entering Ike Turner mode.
my-crow-soft> it turns out that the whole reason that evolver stoped evolvng was because microsoft designed him...
Balthayzr> Please don't jam your batch in my face while replacing disk.
Balthayzr> I think he just violated the Software Agreement.
Djenk> Wow....a whole 1/10 of a second of tension
Ironf> Evolver switch to NAMBLA mode
Balthayzr> Now entering Towel Snap Mode.
THX-1138> Taste my steel, pink boy.
Balthayzr> Now engaging soundtrack.
my-crow-soft> evolver, killing with a pentium 2 inside....
Djenk> Evolver is being corrupted by prime time TV
Balthayzr> Loading Ally Sheedy-Mathew Brodrick program.
Djenk> Engaging cheesy romance mode...
THX-1138> Evolver is programmed in a variety of techniques to produce pleasure.
Balthayzr> Evolver takes out CandyMan. 500 points.
Balthayzr> A kid's mom on a skateboard could've caused that bump!
Balthayzr> Evolver feels violated. Initiating S&M Mode.
Djenk> Engaging Kill Geek Mode
Ironf> Evolver's ho's better have his money
Balthayzr> Evolver now lay smack down.
Balthayzr> Initiating Pimp Stick Mode.
BEMaven> "go ahead. hurt me." Evolver been's hanging on Hollywood blvd.
Balthayzr> Need dirty work done? call 1-800-Evolver.
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #434 - All computers, no matter where they're from, are 100% compatible.
Balthayzr> Evolver labs! Using only the most modern Commodore 64!
Djenk> All zeros...except for the letters CIA? How cheesy
Djenk> EWO: Evolver World Order....cause when your in the EWO...yer dead. ;)
Balthayzr> At the end of the movie, as Evolver get's his butt kicked, the rest of the EWO does a run-in. C3PO, R2D2, Mr. Roboto, Ash and Bishop from the Alien Movies....
Balthayzr> Boy, Sci-Fi channel gets a lot of use out of this "Secret Lab compound" set, don't they?
BEMaven> SWORD is a spreadsheet program. The fools!
THX-1183> It makes Adam Prince of Eternia into He-Man
Balthayzr> "SWORD is one of a series of self-perpetuating plot devices known as Technology Goes Mad."
THX-1183> The Evoler is coming from inside of the house!
BEMaven> Evolver play chef in Japanese restaurant.
Balthayzr> Evolver now opening can of whoop ass.
BEMaven> maybe it's called Evolver because it eliminates dull, uninteresting, and unappealing characters from the the gene pool.
THX-1183> Sorry, 404. File not found.
THX-1183> How bout a little fire, scarecrow!
Balthayzr> Evolver entering Power Rangers Mode.
Djenk> You gotta listen to my crazy, improbable story!!!!
Ironf> Evolver hunt for Furby
BEMaven> 'beedy beedy beedy! top of the world, ma!'
BEMaven> Evolver was sponsored by AT&T? That explains a lot.
Ironf> Mom is currently using the batteries for something else dear
Balthayzr> Bet she's sorry she tossed out all the kids asbestos sleepwear now, huh?
Balthayzr> So, basically, Evolver is KITT's Evil Brother....
Ironf> Evolver throw shitfit
BEMaven> Evolver run out of knives. Kill with sporks.
THX-1183>
Pesci> Huh? You want some of this? How you like a bat to the face? You wanna meet y friend Easton, you little shit!
Balthayzr> Evolver must have plugged a Game Shark into itself.
Ironf> Evolver pull back together like werewolf from Monster Squad
Djenk> Evolver- Not approved by CHild Saftey Commision
Balthayzr> Oh, you're so lucky. You got the special collector's Insane Evolver.
Ironf> Hardware doesn't kill people, software kills people
Balthayzr> I learned Evolver ran on OS/2.
Djenk> I learned that ball bearnings and cable TV corrupt young, impressionable robots
BEMaven> i learned that geeks who write movies about killer games are bigger losers than geeks who write software for killer games.
BEMaven> i also learned the kid would have had more fun with a robot Lara Croft...and better sex.

BEMaven> i can just imagine a help desk getting a call from this kid.
BEMaven> 'did you remember to switch off his evil robot option?'
BEMaven> 'what do mean IT gave YOU a soft boot?'
Balthayzr> Can you get close enough to Evolver to read his serial number?
BEMaven> 'what? there's a sticker on the chassis advising you not to play under cars.'
Balthayzr> Have you tried reinstalling it's device drivers? You did, and it's still chasing you with a knife? Hold on, let me get my supervisor.
Balthayzr> I'm sorry, but by activating Evolver, you agreed to the Software Agreement. See, paragraph 6, bullet point 2: Consumer agrees to let Evolver kill him/her and it's family.
BEMaven> 'now, the manual specifically told you not to send it into girl's locker rooms. it's right there on page 182'
Balthayzr> And, on page 346, it specifically says "Do not expose Evolver to Kalidoscpoes."
THX-1183> Did you read pg. 1054? Didn't get that far, huh? Well, it says to not have sex with Evolver and not to use him to deliver anal pleasure, like you did.
Balthayzr> We don't support the installation of third-party dildos.
BEMaven> 'well, we can't give you a refund...but we can send you the upgrade.: Evolver-The Sequel.'
my-crow-soft> Evolver 98 is supposed to solve all your killing problems ... sounds familiar

SPEAK AND SPELL
"I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a microchip today."
"It's like a computer on wheels."
"Of course if your erector set here can't handle it..."
"I swear I'll cut your throat!"
"Play with me."
"Go ahead. Hurt me."
"It's a knife, jerk brain."
"Delete this."
"Mommy, can I sleep with you tonight?"

KEY ROBOTS IN ROBOT EVOLUTION

Gort (The Day the Earth Stood Still): One of the first and most famous of the classic robots. Gort shot a laser from his eye slot and preached about world peace with the reverence of the Power Team. He is currently divorced and resides in Florida with two kids. Sadly, he quickly became antiquated and found it difficult to find employment. In an interview with Cinescape he said, "These days, a laser eye and vacuum tubes don't get you as far as they used too. Now you need a lots of flashy lights, integrated circuits, and all that garbage." In the day, he is employed as a fountain decoration at EPCOT Center, at night he works at the local planetarium giving Laser Floyd shows.

R2D2 and C3PO: The first ever publically homosexual robot couple. Some thought their coming out was a publicity stunt, but being together for over 20 years proves their critics wrong. Although, the recent revelation by R2D2 that he is not exclusively gay is starting similar rumors which is understandable in the shadow of release of Star Wars: Episode I. It's believed they paved the way to other homosexual robot couples, like Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, both who sadly died during the Michaelangello scare of the early 1990s.

Eve (Mann and Machine): Created by the Real Doll corporation, Eve was the first female android created for sexual pleasure. She was an vast improvement over the Data/Lore models because she wasn't a man and was a lot hotter. However, their seductiveness and ability to pleasure to the extreme quickly made them valuable assests to terrorists. These Fembots (formerly known as Lovebombs before they were modified to carry non-explosive payloads) have been used extensively to gather valuable information and bring governments down. It's said Monica Lewinsky is a Fembot created by Al Gore (see last entry).

Robocop and ED-209: Created by OCP, these two opened the area of comedy to robots. These pioneers enjoyed short-lived success with their retro-Vaudille act. Most famous was their "20 Seconds to Comply" and "Thank You For Your Cooperation" acts. Sadly, Robocop was forced to kill his partner when ED's vices got out of hand. After a night of hard living, ED, in a drug induced rage, destroyed Robocop's car thinking it was in his space. While destorying another robot is punishable by deactivation in the robot community, Robocop only got censured they concluded he had gone temporarily insane thanks to his organic components.

Johnny "Number" 5 (Short Circuit): Johnny was the first robot to malfunction and become benevolent. Up until Johnny, robots malfunctioned and became malevolent creatures out to kill and destroy. Johnny with his processor of gold fought studio executives, convincing them to go the other way. Sadly, with the failure of Short Circuit 2, Johnny found himself out of an acting career and selling car batteries. In December of 1996, Johnny 5 disappeared. It's thought to settle his gambling debts, he sold himself to Sony who accidentally used his various parts in DVD players.

Energizer Bunny: The success of the Johnny 5 battery ad campaign opened a niche for Leonard Alejandro Caution, better known as the Energizer Bunny. Hired by a Madison Avenue ad agency, Leonard pounded his way into the hearts and processors of humans and robots alike. His tenacity and ability to keep "going and going" cast a positive light on robots and pleased women all over the country. Last month, he convinced ad executives to move the location of his shoots to LA so he could be closer to his wife. While he's been known to be tiring of the role, he says it's the best thing that's happened to him and he'll continue it as long as he is wanted.

D.A.R.Y.L., Chip (Not Quite Human), Vicki (Small Wonder): These child robots were created by pedophilic engineers bent on finding legal ways to fulfill their fantasies. This didn't set well with the robot community who flexed their collective muscles, and with the vigor of a pro-life group, prevented the creation of child robots made solely to sexually please others. It seems that child robots are not immune from the child actor curse as they have all been unable to start real careers. D.A.R.Y.L. works welding SUV's together in a Toyota factory in Mexico. He is still single and it's rumored he works on the side as a bartering prostitute, trading sex for motor oil and ram chips. Chip still lives with his "father" Alan Thicke in Canada. He fills his day watching TV, eating bon-bons, and trading porn on the Internet. Vicki went on to beomce a marketing executive, only to find herself getting fired when a 13 year old porno of her was found. She's currently living as a maid in the home of Rocky Balboa.

Urkelbot: Created by Urkel, Urkelbot was the first African-American robot, both literally and unliterally, to not have soul. Many robots were afraid he'd just be used for simple slapstick and cheap, unrefined humor, but Urkelbot became a phenomenon and an excellent foil to Urkel. With the cancellation of Family Matters, Urkelbot has found himself working as a street corner performer in San Francisco, a break dance teacher during the 80s revival, and a coin-operated ride outside the Safeway in San Carlos, CA. He recently took a position at a university where eager computer science and engineering students will update his programming and give him plastic surgery which he hopes will allow him to get better jobs.

Terminator: While hated in the robot community for re-inforcing a negative image of robots, Terminator managed to win back good-guy status by insisting on the filming of T2. The sequel also allowed Terminator to expand and display his comedic talents, futher demonstrating a robot's ability to have many sides to its character. Terminator can be seen on his 25 city "Behind Plexi" tour at your local Planet Hollywood.

Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot: Well liked in the robot community for their happy go-lucky attitudes, these robots make a career of mocking movies made by humans. At first, they received much hate mail by other robots who were scared such an action would anger the humans. However, when it was accepted and even praised by humans, many robots found themselves apologizing. Currently they reside on the Satellite of Love which is in a geo-synchronous orbit over Scotland.

Bishop (Aliens): This lovable artificial person rose to fame with a controversial stage act. His shock act included detaching his head and self-fellating himself, disconnecting limbs and playing drums with them, setting himself on fire, and drinking 120 gallons of milk then vomiting it 6 feet into the air. This last ability allowed him to land a key role in Aliens. While many robots in the entertainment field thought it beneath them to use such cheap stunts to garner laughs and entertain, Bishop stood firm and further expanded the role of robots in the field much like the human Howard Stern did. Bishop now works as a successful actor and can be seen in the movie Pumpkinhead and TV show Millennium.

Al Gore: Perhaps the most advanced robot, Gore serves as Vice-President of the US. Constructed by Disney imagineers, he represents the Mark XII model of their famous presidential automatons. Gore's purpose is to assume control of the country and hand it over to Disney to solidify their grasp on world domination. Strangely, little was done to hide Gore's silicon origins. His name is derived from "algorithm," Al is almost AI, and the synergistic forces of the universe have made Gore a one letter permutation from Gort.

NOT-SO-CRAPPY TRIVIA: The voice of Evolver is done by the totally cool (in a Steve Buscemi way) William H. "All cars come with clear coat-you're f-ing my wife!" Macy. In typical Macy fashion, his character dies.