x69 MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1/26/98)

Written by John "Child's Play" Lafia
Directed by John "Child's Play 2" Lafia
Produced by PETA

Ally Sheedy and Bestiality Porn Subtext. Really, who could ask for much more? It's Man's Best Friend, the Millennium prequel that never made it to our screens... until now. The secret past of Frank Black, amateur Dr. Moreau, is revealed in stark detail. Ally Sheedy takes in a genetically-manipulated stray who soon supplants her weaselly signficant other as the alpha male of the household. Meanwhile, Henriksen eats up scenery and pitches Clairol hair care products with Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a brilliant Seinfeld/Aliens crossover. Children are frightened, mailmen are consumed with relish, evil boyfriends are pissed on, and the police are baffled. It all ends eventually, although I'd be hard pressed to explain how. Rest assured, though, this movie does have a moral compass, informed by animal rights psychos: the evil animal-haters are punished. Along with some of the animal-lovers too. And, of course, so is the audience.

mgrasso> -the dog. man's best friend through out history. think about it, won't you?
Balthayzr> The Canine History Channel.
dungarees> All Wishbone all the time
bowleg> Emax, providing quality max since 1983.
mgrasso> ally sheedy's chin: a weapon for good... or evil?
Balthayzr> I didn't know they made female Leisure Suits.
Balthayzr> Remember, Sheedy, the makeup yer wearing was tested there.
dungarees> Will you look? The fiend is DRIVING a jaguar!
Balthayzr> Oh, yes. Who cares about people starving and WW3? Animals are hurting!!
Jamie> "The Vivisection Industry"??!!!!
Balthayzr> So, only the cute animals get rescued. As usual.
Balthayzr> "I know I've been torturing you for years, Max, but be a good doggy...."
bowleg> man, Lance trying to control a dog. This is what good cinema is all about.
THX-1138> Max! I feel your pain! It's my gift! It's my curse!
mgrasso> max, superdog. he can chase down criminal faster than a normal dog, hump more legs than any normal dog
dungarees> I don't fucking beleive she just compared this to a concentration camp
* mgrasso shivers at the concentration camp reference
bowleg> I'm not going to be able to take this Ally Sheed/Dog/Videography nonsense
mgrasso> why is there a skeleton in the shower?
mgrasso> oh.
Balthayzr> Oh, sure. Don't tape the shower scene.
dungarees> She calls showering with the dog ethical treatment of animals?
bowleg> so this is why Ally Sheedy is currently wallowing in the tar pits of obscurity.
Balthayzr> Oh, please. I can't take the steaminess of this scene.
mgrasso> man's best friend? more like "man's best ticket to sexual frustration..."
bowleg> well, I'll just curl up with a box of kleenex and the latest issue of Gay Boys in Bondage, then.
THX-1138> Mom, doggy's being a dildo.
Jamie> Animal testing must be ended since it leads to movies like these.
* Jamie wishes the dog would kill Ally McBeal while he's at it.
* dungarees could live with a kill all Ally's policy
bowleg> A young Ralph Macchio in a role that will decieve you.
BillBear> Fred not-really-that-savage
dungarees> Ok, if the dog pulls the kid into the path of a semi, would that be cool?
Balthayzr> Oh, yes. let's be concerned about the dogs well-being. He might choke on a mailman or something.
dungarees> If the dog eats the cat, I'm reporting this movie to someone really important
* bowleg roots for the cat
mgrasso> who will win? it's a celebrity deathmatch!
BillBear> I'm still waiting for definitive proof that Ally Sheedy is a woman.
dungarees> Maybe Max will tie a rubberband around Ally's beau's balls and wait for them to fall off...
BillBear> I'm guessing that any minute now Number 5 is gonna show up and fry Max.
mgrasso> max, max, if you're going to woo some chippy, at least offer aa job at the pentagon
Jamie> This is gonna be like that short story by Niven about Superman getting laid, ain't it.
THX-1138> Movie = hydrant
dungarees> So, Balth, would you call that chlamydia or herpes from the corrsion factor?
BillBear> So...did the doctor find some Alien dna to splice Max with too?
mgrasso> the power, the efficiency, the corrsoive urine
BillBear> I think his diet is just too high in manganese.
Jamie> now, a mailman I don't mind being eaten by the dog.
Jamie> next time, spray the mace in his EYES, Newman!
mgrasso> he likes pepper spray. 12 different kinds of nutrients for athe growing mutant hellbeast
BillBear> Cue the chariots of fire theme.
Balthayzr> The reviews of The Postman are in!
Jamie> meanwhile, Lance Henrickson gets pushed around by wussy security guards.
dungarees> So he's feeding him rat poison...does this mean that Max's secretary and two other employees are going to tie Max up and run the business?
mgrasso> 4 out of 5 psychotic boyfriends choose poison brand
bowleg> and our good friend, Brooklyn Doughy Guy
Q> flabby doughy guys eating. that's why i watch movies
dungarees> Is Lance sucking his soul out through his temples?
* Q urges ally to reconsider her cereal bowl as the pattern for her haircuts
Balthayzr> Quick, Sheedy's doing an emotion! Get tape rolling for her tryout reel!
dungarees> Who the hell is this child that wanders in and starts going through peoples' kitchens?
Jamie> who is this kid, and why hasn't ally been prosecuted under Meghan's law for his frequent visits?
bowleg> When you try to poison a dog, you better be prepared to finish what you've started.
Ironf> no that didn't look fake at all.
dungarees> Important note: never hide behind a full length mirror
BillBear> So Max sucker punched him?
bowleg> I'm dead now, please. Please, don't poison. I'm dead now.
Balthayzr> Max dargs him out to the center of the ring and puts on the Figure 4!
* bowleg is still trying to recover from the pissing scene
Q> great, after they shoot him, all the dogs in la are gonna riot
THX-1138> Animal Control - shot on location with the men and women of animal enforcement
bowleg> Suddenly, "Strays" is a richly nuanced masterpiece.
Ironf> Where is Kolchak when you need him.
dungarees> Ally...you've been seeing other breeds, haven't you?
cthulhu> [Sulu]Klingon War Dog decloaking off starboard bow Captain.[Sulu]
dungarees> ?????the hell? He's a shapeshifter now?
cthulhu> Max has got KITT's turbo boost.
bowleg> man, why couldn't Sheedy have died?
THX-1138> Is this the part when the Scanners come out of the basement to blow up heads?
Q> jeez, just give him about a bajillion scooby snacks and he'll calm down
Q> so, sam raimi's dog directed this. interesting.
cthulhu> Look Lady, all I need for you to do is take this nail out of my paw, that's what driving me so nuts.
BillBear> Three months later...Ally is missing her period and developing cravings for puppy chow.
bowleg> Max was tried in Los Angeles county superior court and did 3 months community service. The end.
dungarees> Narn puppy! For FREEDOM!
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
dungarees> I learned that I hate Ally Sheedy more than Lea Thompson
Q> i learned that missing more than half of this was a good thing, even if i did miss some very cute puppy shots
bowleg> I learned that booze can't make giant evil dog movies watchable.
cthulhu> I learned that households pets and bionics just don't mix.
THX-1138> I learned breaking into a genetics lab, stealing a dog that's being used in tests, and keeping it as a pet might not be a wise idea.
BillBear> I learned that cats aren't really part of a complete and healthy diet.
Balthayzr> I learned that housebreaking a dog that pisses acid is a GOOD idea.
bowleg> I learned that Ally Sheedy shouldn't star in any movie, ever, for any reason. Same goes for her haircut.
Jamie> I learned that the pain of recent HGs has rendered me uninspired and weak in my riffing.
BillBear> I learned that when you're being chased by evil demon dogs, clutch a puppy protectively to your breast for luck.
THX-1138> I learned Lance likes to star in movies with crazy beasts that have acidic body fluids.
Ironf> I learned that the last 30 min were still pretty painful. That and I should thank Turner and McMahon for making wrestling stay on till 10 central.
Q> i learned that having bishop in your movie cannot salvage it
Balthayzr> No animal was harmed in the making of this film. However, we did fuck up their careers.

"That foul-mouthed, messy parrot!"
"Ooo, he's cute. What's his name?"
"You stupid mutt!"
"I gotta do something with Max!"
"Remember me? Where's my dog?"
"Ram him! Run him over!"
"So we can stop this freakin' psycho mutt."

You like to watch... don't you?

mgrasso broke into an animal-rights headquarters and stole all the animals back.