Written by Lawrence ("Captain America") Block
This is a story about Buzz, your everyday 1980s teenager. Buzz has a problem. He wants to take Amy someplace fun for their date tonight... but he does not know where. He would rather not take her to the community rummage sale. He was caught trying to steal a meat thermometer at the last rummage sale and was strip-searched. Buzz does not want to take Amy to the weenie roast either. The last girl Buzz took to a weenie roast set fire to his jogging pants when he tried to unhook her brassiere. Where else could Buzz take Amy that would be real fun? What about the carnival that just arrived... the one linked to several mysterious deaths in the nearby towns? Sounds like a good deal, if it is not too crowded. Buzz and Amy might get a chance to fornicate behind one of the exhibits. Buzz asks Amy. She says yes. It sure beats staying home with her little brother Joey and his rubber Rambo sex toys. Liz and Richie also like the idea of fornication at the carnival and ask to come along. What could better? It's not like they were going to get locked in the Funhouse overnight and picked off by a murderous freak. Things will be just swell, especially between the thighs.
SEE A Tall Blonde Man With One Red Shoe...
Ironf> Was this before his break of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or did this end his big break?
my-crow-soft> hoooooper !
BEMaven> a To Be Hooper film?
Ironf> ok, puppets of the damned. WE GET IT.
GersonK> It's Howdy Deadly Time!
Cthulhu> Carnies.... circus folk... smell like cabbage.... big hands.
Balthayzr> This has to be a new record for shower scenes. 5 seconds in.
my-crow-soft> come on... porn... porn.
Cthulhu> We go live to psycho-cam.
my-crow-soft> why do i have to type with one hand waiting for this ?
Ironf> He needs some ointment if he has to scratch like that.
Balthayzr> That's quite enough Incest Phallic Imagery, thank you.
Cthulhu> Gee, just because your brother sexually molested you with a rubber knife....
my-crow-soft> come on... nudity... my hand is getting tired here...
BEMaven> wind tunnel afros never caught on, did they?
Balthayzr> "We're going to a white elephant sale. It's swell, you know."
GersonK> 'C'mon, I don't consider it a date if both of us come home alive.'
Cthulhu> Did he steal that car from the French embassy?
Cthulhu> So where is Ortega?
Balthayzr> Having offered her a stuffed animal, the alpha male moves in.
GersonK> This was back in the days before changing rooms, so guys wore their clothes two sizes too tight.
Cthulhu> The Tilt-o-Vomit.
Balthayzr> Bathroom sanitized for your comvenience....during the Prussian War.
my-crow-soft> "god is watching you !"
Balthayzr> Boy, Tammy Faye is ugly without her makeup.
Balthayzr> Of course, she's ugly with it....
BEMaven> "i hate people who preach...especially in bathrooms."
my-crow-soft> you know god is watching you and your one handed games.
BEMaven> mine church is Unitarian. they *only* preach in the bathroom.
Balthayzr> Drive-In Totals!!
my-crow-soft> so TNT cut out the breasts ?
Cthulhu> There were BREASTS!!!
my-crow-soft> i was one handed hg all this time for no reason.
Plumm> Carl Reiner finally snaps.
my-crow-soft> his dental plan expired.
Balthayzr> "Here's a cow addicted to chewing tobacco!!!!"
my-crow-soft> the two headed cow ?
BEMaven> in the next booth..."the Amazing Two-Armed Man"
GersonK> and the amazing one-handed typist!
Balthayzr> It's the booth where all the carnies keep their Livestock lovers.
Cthulhu> It's a pro-life ad.
Plumm> the incredibly strange teenagers who died and became mixed-up crapfilm stars.
my-crow-soft> watch a dead fetus... girls like it.
Ironf> Marko, the Magnificent. He picks his nose like no other man ALIVE!
my-crow-soft> isn't the point to attract people?
Cthulhu> Riff Raff!
GersonK> Donald Sutherland?
my-crow-soft> "please step into the coffin.."
GersonK> Somehow, my dates always bolt when _I_ ask them to step into the coffin.
Balthayzr> A good carnival keeps lots of coffins around, just in case.
Balthayzr> Vlad the Impaler was the star of many porno films.
Cthulhu> I thought they called Vlad "Snuffy."
Balthayzr> I thought the Impaler was a ride on the Midway.
BEMaven> is there a fish in her crystal ball?
Balthayzr> Cross my palm with cigarette coupons.
Cthulhu> You use Palmolive, don't you?
GersonK> If you kids don't stop laughing, I'm gonna pull this tent to the side of the room.
Balthayzr> 'I see you ruining your career making bad Tobe Hooper movies....'
Cthulhu> A tall dark stranger will come and change your pool water.
Balthayzr> Jason would have polished off about 7 kids by now.
Plumm> Come one, come all, to the kill the little kid booth!
Cthulhu> Ma Belles' Samonela Palace!
Ironf> "She wriggles and she dances"
Balthayzr> 'They wiggle and they dance - and none of them will date me.'
GersonK> You know, I think they might just wiggle. Do you suppose, they dance too?
Balthayzr> This is not a real carnival. Too many sets of full teeth.
GersonK> Things to do on a date - peep into a peep show.
Ironf> "I have my own hole" ??
GersonK> Jimmy durante, pervert.
Balthayzr> He's doing scat!
BEMaven> i've seen scavenger sales with more nudity.
Ironf> No, just number 1.
GersonK> BEM - where do you shop?
Balthayzr> I demand someone start killing these kids immediatly.
BEMaven> Vegas, GK.
Balthayzr> Wow, I often had dreams of spending the night at a run-down carnival. Keep reaching for those dreams, kids!
GersonK> This movie reminds me a lot of my own life, in that it's very boring.
Cthulhu> Humpty Dumpty in a chamber of horrors?
Cthulhu> Jabba the Hut IS Bozo IN The Mikado.
BEMaven> hot sex on discarded peanut shells. yay.
GersonK> Going barefoot in the funhouse? Yech.
Balthayzr> This is always the case. We find a nice quiet spot for carny sex, and some monster ruins it.
my-crow-soft> hmm 80 year old whores don't come cheap you know...not that i've ever experienced any...
Balthayzr> I am so shocked that a member of the Fine Art of Fortune Telling would be a whore.
Ironf> Gypsies, tramps and thieves. I guess Cher was right.
* GersonK shrugs in amazement.
Cthulhu> Oh GOD!!!!!!
GersonK> Why was this made?
Ironf> please, no elderly gypsy ass. No none.
Balthayzr> Yes, nothing like 80-year-old cellulite to get a mutant hot.
Ironf> He just downloaded in his pants.
Plumm> In carny days, freaks come early, choke the gypsy and twirly-twirly...
Plumm> so while you're here, enjoy the view, hold on tight we'll muddle thru.
Cthulhu> By this time, Scooby and Shaggy would have already captured this week's villian.
BEMaven> yes, and donned 2 lame disguises, Cth.
my-crow-soft> i think the director went blind durring this part... which would explain all of this.
Cthulhu> You know, after that scene, my sex drive has been permanently destroyed.
BEMaven> when they said Tobe Hooper worked in television for awhile, i think they meant he watched security cameras from a desk.
Balthayzr> By "in television", maybe they meant Repair?
Cthulhu> No, he used to deliver them to people's houses.
Ironf> By television, they meant he used a remote one time.
Balthayzr> "No wonder the fat laughing lady is broken! There's an old whore clogging the gears up!"
Ironf> Now I can only charge half price.
BEMaven> 'dammit boy. do you think 80 year old whores grow on trees?'
GersonK> Carny shall not kill Carny. It is Carny law.
BEMaven> 'they may live in trees, but they don't grow in them.'
Ironf> Blame it on the bassonova, cause he plays so well.
Balthayzr> So, he's not so much of a mutant, as he is a spaz.
GersonK> Give him a sedagive!
BEMaven> 'we'll blame it on auto-erotic asphyxiation. she choked on a cucumber.'
Ironf> All that WAS NOT hidden in that Frank mask.
Plumm> movie, movie, movie.
GersonK> This guy is like a less attractive Joe Don Baker.
Cthulhu> GK, how can ANYONE be less attractive than Joe Don?
GersonK> Cthu, I dunno, but this guy's doing it.
Balthayzr> He looks like a 2-headed Andy Warhol.
BEMaven> thanks to this flick, i no longer fear carnies... just nuclear war.
GersonK> Would somebody just die already?
Ironf> So her kid brother just happened to have the same idea as the drugged up teenagers. How CONVENIENT.
Balthayzr> How exactly did children try out for this part? "Can you wander around and stare at random things?"
GersonK> Thanks to this flick, I pray for nuclear war.
BEMaven> no, Balth...they asked the boys if they would stab a naked virgin girl in the shower. the line at the audition ran for miles.
Ironf> just give daddy sweet sweet lovin'.
Cthulhu> A touching Carny family moment.
Balthayzr> Could we please have more close-ups of his greasy T-zone?
GersonK> Balth - really, the grease extends beyound the t-zone.
Cthulhu> Well, they thinned out the cast quickly.
Ironf> please enjoy a funnelcake while your friends die.
GersonK> Much like the crew, by this point in the film, I just don't care anymore.
Ironf> I never started, so I saved time.
GersonK> "I can make you feel good"
Balthayzr> Monster 5 dollah sucky sucky.
Cthulhu> 'Nah... your not my type... not wrinkley enough.'
BEMaven> good thing she kept a bayonnet next to her mad money.
BEMaven> soo... I'm guessing Tobe Hooper has been deprived of role models.
Balthayzr> I'm hoping Tobe Hooper has been deprived of an Actors and Directors Guild Card.
Ironf> I'm hoping Tobe Hooper has been deprived of life.
Cthulhu> Maybe that's why I'm so unlucky with love. I don't take a girl to a overnighter in a fun house.
Balthayzr> Tad, the Pickled Fetus. Does the HG need a mascot?
Cthulhu> Would that knife in the back slow him down a little?
Plumm> this movie is still being a movie.
Balthayzr> Does that count as a railing kill?
my-crow-soft> let me check with the judges..
my-crow-soft> the judges say yes...
BEMaven> this dark greasy machinery room is symbolic of the director's head.
Balthayzr> So, they stole the last scene of the movie from Chaplan's "Modern Times".
Cthulhu> When you see a pair of huge gears in the first act, you better have someone ground to pulp by the last.
my-crow-soft> why is she getting all hysterical over a dirty filter?
Ironf> nice tongue action there, guy in mask.
Cthulhu> Screaming contest.
Plumm> she can't believe the movie is almost over.
my-crow-soft> what is it with the director and being hooked?
BEMaven> he died as he lived... without proper lighting.
Balthayzr> He died as he lived... pretending to be a dress in a dry Cleaners.
my-crow-soft> he died as he lived... a virgin.
Balthayzr> I await the wacky scene where a portly security guard runs up and asks "What's goin' on here?"
Cthulhu> Can you say $20,000 in therapy?
Balthayzr> "Look, lady, it says right on the back of your ticket - Not Responsible for lost, stolen, or killed friends!"
Cthulhu> Yup.... she's gone.
Plumm> wow, remember when she found that scary earlier, my oh my the contrast the GROWTH OF CHARACTER.
Cthulhu> So she wanders off and neglects to tell anyone that there are 3 dead people and a mutant in there.
Balthayzr> 4 dead - don't forget dear old dad.
Ironf> 5, the whore.
Ironf> can't forget the whore.
Cthulhu> Oh, your right.
Balthayzr> Dummy courtesy of Sherri Lewis?
BEMaven> 3 friends, 1 whore, the freak and his daddy.
Balthayzr> Isn't that a NBC series, BEM?
BEMaven> not yet.
MARVEL At the Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie...
"Maybe we'll get a little action around here."
"When you're stoned, Charlie Manson is a nice guy."
"You may not have to spend the rest of your life a virgin."
"I hate people who preach...especially in bathrooms."
"Alive, Alive, Alive!"
"For there is no release from the funhouse."
"Get out of here, you bad brats!"
"I hope you break every bone in your (bleep) body!"
"Remember, I don't come cheap."
SHOOT The Piano Player And Win A Kewpie Doll...
Balthayzr> Cowboys in pants!!
my-crow-soft> why is he holding that man's ass ?
Ironf> "Me like'em, lick'em..."
BEMaven> and a butt grab to boot. who has time for cattle?
GersonK> That guy did not land in his pants. I did not see that.
Cthulhu> The homo-erotic imagery in 1950s refreshment stand cartoons is startling.
THX-1138> Popcorn, only $25.
Cthulhu> And that's for the small size.
BEMaven> reminds me of the time i threw buttered popcorn at a wedding. couldn't find any rice.
Balthayzr> Popcorn, available in large, extra-large, and Statehood Application.
THX-1138> They sell gay people?
my-crow-soft> actualy creast-o-matic.
Ironf> GIANT SHAKE!
my-crow-soft> creamy shakes.
BEMaven> try our giant shakes. made with conte crayon.
GersonK> How has this nation sunk from giant creamy shakes to cappucino at our snack bars?
Cthulhu> Yes, take Valtrex and you too can be a hot looking herpes infected 20-somethinger.
Balthayzr> Who books these commercials? Herpes commercial, then an ad for Cartoon Network?
GersonK> SCTV had an ad for Crab Shampoo that so remarkably predicted the Valtrex ads.
BEMaven> Valtrex...why let STD slow down your reckless shagging?
my-crow-soft> what's weird is that when other people have porn local commercials... i have healthy diet commercials...