x133 THE FURY (6/6/98)

Directed by Brian De "Hitchcock rip-off artist" Palma
Written by John Farris
"Original" music by John Williams
Produced by Jack B. "Jane Austen's Mafia" Bernstein, Ron Preissman, Frank "Congo" Yablans

Kirk Douglas stars in this suspense thriller sequel to the Federico Fellini French film, "Le Coeur Bat Une Fois Pour Vous; Il Bat Deux Fois Pour Votre Mère." Replete with Hitchcockian style shots, the trademark of Alfred Hitchcock and adult-idiot Brian De Palma, The Fury falls short of its intended goal - to entertain. John Cassavetes is Childress, head of a US agency that engages in demonic parapsycological pedophilia. The agency, as seen in Firestarter, The Lawnmower Man, Scanners, and countless other films, gathers children with psychic abilities and trains them with the aid of Prozac to use their powers to become psychic killers. When Douglas' gay psychic son is stolen from him, the ex-CIA agent goes on a killing rampage involving lots of leather, rubber, and squid. Dennis Franz's fat, hairy, crap encrusted ass shows up in a brief cameo as an avant-garde mime moonlighting as a hooker's hat. At the agency, Kirk's son meets a psychic chick, who's being stalked by a sweaty Bill Gates wanna-be, and they "git it on" psychic style. In the end, Kirk finds his son and Cassavetes finds himself exploding in a giant flaming ball of flesh and gas. Amy Irving, Charles Durning, and a used colostomy bag have guest roles as a used comdom, a used colostomy bag, and a double agent, respectively.

Fury02.JPG Balthayzr> Oh, Charles Durning. He's good in everything.
Ironf> Staring Kirk's chin dimple
BryanL> Ah, John Williams. I thought I recognized the faint strains of "The Imperial March" in the background.
Balthayzr> Quiver before our impressive credit overture!!!
Ironf> GPS this early?
BryanL> All this sex is making him hungry?
KevinL> But dad. I don't like girls.
Balthayzr> It's a bad movie, Kirk. Deal with it.
Ironf> You're my son. Of course you're a freak
BryanL> It's Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Children, isn't it.
Balthayzr> Uh, chewing yer own toenails is not a marketable talent.
Ironf> He can self-fellate. That's the skill that will earn him a place in porn history.
THX-1138> Good service here, waiters jump in front of bullets to save you.
Balthayzr> Kirk's got a stigmata!!
Ironf> Who does he think he is? Heston?
THX-1138> Shooting in progress and Zapruder is there.
Balthayzr> I think America's funniest Home Video's has finally gone too far.
BryanL> Time to Kirk some ass.
BryanL> He's not psychic, he's psychokinetic. He's a mental spaz.
Balthayzr> And we have squealing tire foley. No movie is complete without it.
Fury03.JPG Balthayzr> Kirk Douglas IS the Man from Atlantis!
Ironf> o/~ Arab on the water o/~
BryanL> Actually, it means he can bend spoons with -your- mind. He's a projecting psychokinetic.
Balthayzr> Actually, he bends minds with a spoon. He's just a plain psycho.
KevinL> He can bend spoons with his mind, but the spoons really have to -want- to bend.
BryanL> This is the longest continuous ass shot in movie history, BTW.
Ironf> I will give you the information if you by me some new teeth
Balthayzr> "This is Bill. Can we put ESP into Windows 98?"
KevinL> He is become Shivan, annoyer of worlds.
BryanL> The thick clear frames really distract the eye from the thick clear lenses.
KevinL> Hey, Tiger from Tekken 3 just walked by.
BryanL> Hanes Action Man!
Ironf> Kirk is the great white ninja
THX-1138> Did you know there's a nude Kirk Douglas on your ledge mam?
Balthayzr> Did anyone call for a Strip-O-Gram?
BryanL> Florence Henderson, Psychic Nazi.
Balthayzr> Why is the train making a sound like the jetson's car?
KevinL> Limitless potential of the human mind? Two words: Starship Troopers.
Balthayzr> I'll take a foreshadowing with a stinger chaser, please.
BryanL> It's a Brian DePalma movie. It wouldn't be a Brian DePalma movie without a big, bloody head.
KevinL> Although, I'm trying to remember a big, bloody head in Mission: Impossible.
Ironf> Well Jim was the head of the unit and he was bloody at a point
Balthayzr> So, we got extremly long ass shots, a half-nude Kirk, Middle-eastern terrorists, and a brain-controlled train with a bloody head.
Balthayzr> I'd like to use psychic energy to make the Spice girls explode.
Fury06.JPG BryanL> They're all dressed up as Ling Xiaoyu's third outfit.
Balthayzr> EEk! It's the lady from the Old navy commercials!!
Ironf> Those are some big freaking glasses
BryanL> Oh, by the way, the Hubble called. It wants its lenses back.
Ironf> (nelson)HAHA(/nelson)
Balthayzr> She has the power to cause slightly inconvienent bleeding!!
Ironf> Well ever since he lost the station, then the job at Maytag, he has been into kinky sex
KevinL> Kirk Douglas IS Woody Allen IN Fury.
BryanL> You know, if I'm thinking of hijacking a car, I might think twice before actually hijacking a car with two COPS in it.
Balthayzr> Another DePalma mainstay. Don't ruin the movie for the audience by letting them in on the plot.
BryanL> I'm approved for Catholic viewing, but then, I'm a naked altar boy.
THX-1138> SHe must be trying that new Herbal Essence Shampoo.
BryanL> Meanwhile, back on "Two Guys In the Back of a Car"
Balthayzr> I'm sorry, sir, this is a No Chin Dimple Zone.
Balthayzr> And they meet Jake and Elwood coming the other way.
KevinL> Child abuse: free and easy.
Ironf> Is she rollergirl?
Balthayzr> Just then, the Juggernaut and the Hellfire Club attacks.....
BryanL> Still, at least we can see her nipples.
Balthayzr> Ben and Jerry paid a lot for this product placement.
BryanL> She's a good dancer. She's allowed to dance on the driveway.
KevinL> At what point did they replace Kirk Douglas with Charles Durning
. crow> what keys do you press to maximize a window...
Ironf> Ctrl-Alt-Del
Fury08.JPG BryanL> DEL. It stands for "Deliver".
Balthayzr> Esc. It means Extra Super Cursors.
KevinL> He's being treated like a Prince, which means they're cutting his legs of so he's 5 feet tall and making him wear purple.
THX-1138> The Libyans! I don't know how they found me! Run for it Marty!
Balthayzr> Aw, no! It's Thunder in Paradise!!!
BryanL> I didn't think the major arteries in the wrist fed into the cuticles.
Balthayzr> Who picked out the wallpaper for this place? Ray Charles?
BryanL> Come for the pie, stay for the free porn.
THX-1138> She's at least P-10.
Plumm> Gillian Anderson and Hester Prynne in It's a Plaid, Plaid, Plaid, Plaid, Plaid World.
Balthayzr> And now, the new Indigo girls video.
BryanL> He's got the power to telekinetically suck at pole vaulting.
Plumm> Warren Beatty visits the trials for the Clonus Project's Olympic pole vault team.
BryanL> Again, that DePalma "five mile apart" panning back and forth.
Balthayzr> Thrill as she drops the mail!! Will she gather it all before the postman comes????
Plumm> To Gillian, On Her Psychotic-Episode Birthday.
Ironf> Model Parking. No full sized vehicles allowed
Balthayzr> Dammit, she's a house-bred psychic! She'll never survive in the wild!!
Balthayzr> Kirk Douglas IS Jack Ruby!!
BryanL> Buck up, Kirk. If the audience doesn't get Dramamine, neither do you.
BryanL> Don't you just hate it when you're stuck next to Kirk Douglas on a long bus trip?
Plumm> Cue Incredible Hulk theme.
MrBooze> "Twice a year, Brian DePalma resurrects the work of a dead director to give his wife a job. Prepare for...THE CLAMS!"
THX-1138> When does the Tuning start?
Fury09.JPG Plumm> Faster, Pussycat, Spin, Spin!
BryanL> She's big big big, and she's red red red...
Balthayzr> Oh, my God! She killed....uh....who are those 2, anyway?
MrBooze> A young David Hasselhoff hones his Nick Fury character.
BryanL> See, the big finale. Two people. Talking. IN A FRIGGING ROOM!
GersonK> meanwhile, at 1050 Techwood
Balthayzr> I got one question: What happened to the pregnant girl with the big glasses? They got us to care about her, and just dropped her!
Balthayzr> Why do people vibrate when they use super powers?
GersonK> He blewed up real good
Ironf> Wow, all our clothes went out of fashion while watching that, well except Kev's pants, since they never were in fashion
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
BryanL> We learned that Brian DePalma's a sick fuck who can't pace worth a damn.
GersonK> I learned to come in fifteen miniutes after, not before, the movie's over
Balthayzr> I learned there should be a special law that keeps dePalma away from anything that is capable of recording any image, forever.
KevinL> I learned that the IMDB is infinitely more interesting than Fury.
TroyHXandurson> I learned the rare word meaning 'the hatred of or hostility towards males' is misandry.
Ironf> I learned that I now have a secret weapon to torture people with. And it's name is DePalma
GersonK> I learned that if the good lord were gonna take a likin to us, he'd have blown up the cast much sooner

"Can't you go potty by yourself?"
"Keep your hand in your lap Marty."
"Oh God, please God don't let anything happen to my car."
"I'm no-body..."
"Oh honey, I've got so much to tell you."

THX-1138 is a walking shadow, a poor player.