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| ALUCARD | |
| The most important "regular" and Official Patron Saint/Mascot of our humble channel is a child prodigy known only as "alucard". When he's not running his award-winning "#THETURKSCHATROOM", beloved AL (ashis friends call him) warms our collective hearts by pronouncing such discoveries as "Im sad" or "I needs girlfriend". This adorable idiot savant is the living incarnation of #mst-homegame and a testament to what humanity can achieve when it rolls up its sleeves and gets to work. Here's wishing we could ALL be a little more like Alucard. |  |
| BALTHAYZR | |
| The Only Remaining Enigma, Balth is a shadowy fascist with a penchant for scientology and a hidden love for Kiki. When he's not videotaping bat mitzvahs or auditing away his few remaining engrams, there's nothing this lumpy czech diaper fetishist likes to do more than drink headcleaner until he passes out. Forever in search of the perfect edit, Balth lives inside a Video Toaster with his imaginairy friends Bromine the Scotch-Monkey and Greg the Indignant Leper. This is presumably tolerated by his faithful wife, Ernest Borgnine. |  |
| BEMAVEN | |
| BEMaven, a factory worker from Trieste with an addiction to sword-and-sandal flicks, first came to America during the "Bodybuilder Invasion" of the mid-70s. After a lengthy stay at the Institüt Für Gymnastik in Vienna, he journeyed to Hollywood to seek his fortune with classmate Arnold Strong. Unfortunately, it was Arnold who landed the plum role in Hercules In New York, and BEMaven was forced to sink into the morass of films like Head of the Hydra and Chicks With Sphinx. Retiring from the industry in 1990 due to a quintuple hernia, BEMaven has relocated to Death Valley, where he tortures cacti and writes threatening letters to Maria Shriver. |  |
| BICE | |
| Bice began acting professionally at age 15 in the regional Canadian Broadcasting Company series Leo and Me. After moving to Los Angeles at age 18, he appeared in a number of television episodes of the acclaimed CBS series Palmerstown U.S.A. by Alex Haley. After a small role in the television film Letters From Frank with Art Carney and Maureen Stapleton, he moved to Los Angeles on his own and was soon at work on the Walt Disney feature, Midnight Madness. He guest-starred on series such as Trapper John, M.D., Lou Grant, Family and Night Court, before being cast in the role for which he would ultimately win three Emmy® Awards, bringing him worldwide popularity and millions ofdevoted fans during the course of its seven season run -- that of Alex P. Keaton on NBC's Family Ties (September 22, 1982 - May 17, 1989). Bice is happily married to his beautiful wife Debbie, a small German man with a walrus moustache, and a bag of peat moss. |  |
| MR. BOOZE | |
| William T. Alphonse McMichaelplex III of Bear can be summed up in one word: dumb. Rock-stupid, Mr. Booze hassworn an oath of Neo-Ludditicy and lives in a cave, existing solely on a diet of roots, grubs, berries, and dirt. His hatred of technology doesn't prevent him from watching movies and using a computer, but what can you reallyexpect from such a unfortunate specimen of a hard bastard? In recent years he's taken an interest in smearing himself with feces to confuse the trained dogs sent to find him by an ever-increasing army of bill collectors, mormons, Jesuit ninja, and Spanish soap opera stars. His large collection of venereal diseases endear him to all who take the time to listen to his monosyllabic babbling. |  |
| CTHULHU | |
| A respected and acknowledged genius in the ways of tantric sex magick, cthulhu is also known for his deep love of macrame. He can often be found giving lectures and holding symposiums about this arcane art, usually selling his excellent books, "12 Steps to Macrame Satisfaction", "Macrame the Tantric Way", "Macrame with Your Eyes Closed and Your Mind Off", and the bestselling "What God Told Me About Macrame, and Why You Should Listen". When he finds the time to take a break from peddling paperback trash, cthulhu can be found in a basement rolling colorful multi-sided dice and mumbling to himself about "saving throws". |  |
| EVILJEN | |
| Bred from premium midwestern stock, EvilJen is a Magic® grandmaster who regularly travels to Las Vegas to take advantage of unsuspecting role-playing mafiosi. During her down time, Jen enjoys drinking Lenny Briscoe under the table and cyber-stalking herself. For extra cash and out of a deep commitment to public service, EJ moonlights as an ATF informant, the ringleader of a violent gang of anti-government Marxist transvestites, whom she trains in the hoary arts of bank robbery, eyebrow plucking, and bombcraft. |  |
| GERSONK | |
| During the seventies, at the height of George Kennedy mania, a secret government project cloned the paunchy, charimsatic star, artificially aged these duplicates, and used them as decoys at Kennedy's many celebrity appearances. Unfortunately, the clones outlived the popularity of the corpulent Hollywood icon, and they were subsequently let loose into the world. The clone code-named GK12, creched at Gerson Labs in Cheyenne, Wyoming, escaped Consortium surveillance in 1985, subsequently walking the earth, traveling from town to town, solving mysteries, and learning how to be human. He's currently working as a tennis instructor at a nudist camp in Outer Mongolia. |  |
| IRONF | |
| Official redneck laureate of #mst-homegame, Ironf spends his days inbreeding with his many sister-daughters and horribly torturing minorities while waiting for his welfare check. A keen fan of the holy sport of wrestling, Ironf operates one of the only "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan-approved franchises in America, selling miniature replicas of 2x4s and plaster lawn-Duggans. When he can find the time, he enjoys sharing the joy of firearms with small children, attending ITT Technical Institute, and publishing amateur xerox pornography. |  |
| BRYANL and KEVINL | |
| America's first native-born pair of conjoined twins (joined at lip, elbowpancreas, and fourth toe), these two lads charmed the good populace of Gilded Age Chicago with their circus antics. Trained from the age of threeto perform such diverse tasks as balancing a ball on their noses, telling bawdy Yiddish music-hall jokes and fighting stains with a powerful new blend of bleach and detergent, the Lambert twins were soon picked up by P. T. Barnum's traveling freak show, where they were able to reach a much larger audience than the meatpackers and cattle magnates of the Second City. Their 26-year worldwide tour was a glorious success, even though the right twin (KevinL) took to biting the heads from chickens, pigs, and three-toed sloths late in his career... while not on stage. Separated by a Swedish chiropodist in 1932, at the age of 60, the twins were able to live relatively normal lives until they were both mysteriously killed by a wasting illness within seven minutes of each other, living over 1,500 miles apart. Observers were baffled by the identical notes left at the bedside of both brothers, each saying "KILL HIM." |  |
| LANDO5 | |
| AMBASSADOR LONDO MOLLARI (Peter Jurasik) Represents the Centauri Republic. The Republic has gone from a major power to the laughing stock of the galaxy. After re-taking the Narn homeworld with help from the Shadows, Londo worked to overthrow the emperor and, in return for G'Kar's help, free Narn once again. Wait, it's Lando? OK. Lando's not a system, he's a man. Right? |  |
| MGRASSO | |
| Charming, erudite, cultured, charismatic, vibrant, exciting. All things that Rodney Grasso is most definetly NOT. What he IS, though, is a lifeless puddle of failure garnished with depression. Everywhere this accursed being goes, death and sickness quickly follow. Grasso is surrounded by what many psychicical researchers term an "Anti-Luck Field", a sort of tasteless, odorless cloud of hell that manages to transform even common tasks like "going down to the store to pick up some milk" into a living nightmare. His face seems to emit an aura of hopelessness, sucking friends, family, and passers-by into a vortex of crap. In short, everything this man touches... he destroys. However, he is deeply respected for his awe-inspiring collection of Hummel figurines that take up all the space in his cramped broom closet of a bedroom at the YMCA. Mr. Grasso is currently putting the finishing touches on his massive biography "SCORNED STOOGE: The Life, Times, and Work of 'Curly' Joe DeRita". |  |
| MY-CROW-SOFT | |
| One of A.D. Shred's deep black-ops projects, this Sci-Fi 2.0 upgrade of Alucard has proven to be a true horror of unspeakable proportions. An unfortunate side effect of the Chernobyl disaster, this young mutant wants nothing more in life than to be Bill Gates' kept woman. It is currently on a highly-regimented hormone treatment that seems to have some effect, but no one is quite sure what. |  |
| NICKLBY | |
| Begining his career as the guy who screams "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Building code under fire!", nicklby quickly crawled up the corporate ladder to become one of the most feared newspaper moguls in America. In fact, before an article can be printed it must be submitted to the dreaded Bureau of Standards & Nicklby for examination and editing. When he's not dominating the media, nicklby spends his time dressing up like Bea Arthur and holding up liquor stores. |  |
| PLUMM | |
| One of the original 12 members of the CIA, the man only known as "Plumm" plotted this country's course of clandestine assassinations and public disinformation throughout the Cold War. His travel itinerary in the early'50s reads like a shameful list of American covert ops: Indochina-1952, Iran-1953, Guatamala-1954. Hard photographic evidence places him at Dealey Plaza on November 22, 1963, disguised as a Good Humor man. However, his audacity soon exceeded the bounds of even the American intelligence community, and in 1969 was drugged by his own CIA and photographed in bed with two young "hippie" women, an aardvark, and six pounds of premium Polish kielbasa. Plumm currently works at the KFC in Tallahassee, Florida, where he was hired under the "Respect Our Elders" program. He has been awarded "Employee of the Month" honors three times for his alertness at the drive-thru window. |  |
| Q | |
| Q has recently returned from a leave of absence, completing advanced training with MI5. Following that assignment, Q utilized her tantrick charm spells and ruthless propaganda techniques to train underground cels of special-education film critics in the Western States. Now posing a homeless street musician in the upper midwest, Q found she doubled her take after amputating both legs and drawing her entire repertoire from the Joan Baez songbook. Q nevertheless finds enough time to face New Zealand and pray to Ted five times daily. Q enjoys antiquing, skinning chihuahuas, and bon bons. |  |
| SHRED | |
| Asisstant Director Shred was appointed by the MCA/Universal Bureau of Investigation to monitor citizen groups on the "scifi.com" server. One group under AD Shred's supervision is/was the band of smartasses collectively known as the 'Homegame,' a known threat to geopolitcal-corporate power structures. AD Shred seems to have failed in efforts both to supress attacks on Universal higher-ups, such as Chase "Do you look in a mirror each morning and marvel at yourself?" Masterson and to discredit the peaceful "Georgie" movement. He is now working an understated campaign of psych-ops on the citzenry, ignoring the issue of the HomeGame resistance whenever possible. When forced to acknowlege the dissidents, he is known to proclaim the "coolness" of controlled programming such as "Alien Voices", and to otherwise deflect the issue. AD Shred may have drawn on techniques developed by the CIA's allegedy defunct MK-ULTRA program in order to stir up enough resentment among the easily manipulated denizens of the server to carry out an extralegal dirty tricks operation on the HG radicals. Ineffective bureaucrat or bumbling agent of the New World Order? No one seems to know for sure. HGI denies any knowledge of Shred's current whereabouts. |  |
| THAYER | |
| Secret Agent Super Thayer has tilted the balance of world of world power in any number of B-grade Eurospy thrillers. During her heyday, one typical weekend for this HGI operative included exterminating a concert pianist with his own C string and drowning a Central European gymnast team in chalk dust. Amongst her weaponry are such diverse elements as a viola HAARP array, surprise, ruthless seduction, and an almost fanatical devotion to Ricky Martin. Thayer was revealed to be apparently against the HomeGame and working with AD Shred to undermine the organization. Taken to a tank of rabid George Kennedies with lasers implanted in their heads, she was assumed dead. However, in reality she was rescued at the last minute by Harrison Ford portraying Mike Meyers as Austin Ryan, International CIA Man of Mystery. After the two had glorious sexual relations, thayer revealed her true mole hunt mission and Jim Phelps was found guilty of attempting to sell the HomeGame NOC list to AD Shred. When she's at home, Thayer runs the largest furby-Pokemon hybrid ranch outside Red China, breeding the critters she once described as: "Cuddly and savory, a lovable riddle wrapped inside an enigma dipped in special sauce." |  |
| THX-1138 | |
| As Coordinator of Visual Propaganda for the "White Lightning" movement, the white separatist militia movement for gay quadriplegics, the man codenamed "THX-1138" commands a frightening array of visual manipulation and production equipment. Included among these are the dreaded apparatus known as "the video capture" machine, with which he is able to distribute examples of execrable polyphony in modern America to the growing network of white power movements across the nation. The origins of this "THX-1138" are cloaked in mystery, although some believe he was a Madison Avenueadvertising executive and part-time Times Square pimp before he found his calling in the militia movement. "THX-1138" currently lives at White Lightning headquarters, three miles from the Canadian border in western North Dakota. He enjoys fishing and world-championship curling. |  |