Directed by Don ("Nobody told me it was supposed to be funny") Weis
Louis ("I only wrote the pronouns") Heyward and
Elwood ("I was just there to change the ribbon") Ullman
Samuel ("Jim made it while I was busy donating a kidney") Arkoff and
James ("Sam made it while I was busy donating two kidneys") Nicholson
This could be the crappiest movie ever shown on AMC's American Pop... or it could be that one special episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager' that fans won't want to miss. A transporter accident links members of Voyager's crew to a holodeck program created by Tom Paris for a clinical survey of 60s drive-in movies. Paris becomes heartthrob Tommy Kirk, who caroms through a spooky mansion while shunning the advances of men in rubber suits and night shirts. B'Elanna Troi assumes the identity of Nancy Sinatra, who grooves to a choice selection of Klingon soft rock. Consumed by his role as Basil Rathbone, Commander Chakotay tries to murder anyone who stands to inherit the family estate. His diabolical plan leaves Neelix filling in for movie henchman Jesse White while Tuvok gads about in a cheap gorilla suit. Meanwhile, Ensign Kim takes over for Harvey Lembeck, chewing scenery as the lumpy boss of the Ratz motorcycle gang. To save her crew, Capt. Janeway disguises herself as the title character while the Doctor performs the worst impression of Boris Karloff ever recorded. Seven of Nine and Buster Keaton skip the entire espisode to spend a day at the beach.
Ironf> Ahh American-International.
Ironf> They do good stuff I hear.
BEMaven> Nancy Sinatra and Francis X. Bushman. My boyhood fantasy.
Ironf> Little Red Riding DEATH!
BEMaven> She's the sexiest Red Death I've ever seen.
Ironf> Ahh Karloff in his goofy days.
LazyRider> he's not a very good corpse.
Ironf> I think we all were hoping for a different interpretation of invisible bikini in this.
Bice> Wow, Tommy Kirk *and* Basil Rathbone. How did MST3K miss this one...
BEMaven> lookout, a bulimic oil painting.
Ironf> Oh yeah, Kirk, Rathbone, Karloff, and a Sinatra.
LazyRider> Murtle "Four-Bush"?
LazyRider> Don't they usually use people with comedic talent in comedies?
Ironf> Is Tommy Kirk dead yet?
Bice> The NRA party bus.
Djenk> We're not scared! We're just stupid!!
Djenk> Apparently Ken Kesey and an NRA convention had to share the same double decker.
* Plumm has joined.
Ironf> "Hey come on gang, Geronimo!"
Plumm> recap me
Bice> Oh joy, it's a musical.
Ironf> Plumm, it's Kirk, Rathbone, and Sinatra are heirs to Karloff, who's dead with the Ghost that wears the bikini.
Djenk> Nancy Sinatra.
Bice> The world's spazziest surf band.
LazyRider> I hear that Native Americans love this song.
Djenk> Please, lets have Geroni-less....
Bice> The sci-ance?
Ironf> Anyway, Karloff was the boyfried of the ghost. She died long ago cause she was a carnie. She stopped aging, but karloff is old. If he does a good dead, he'll become young again.
* Djenk wishes they would jack up the incidental music a little more, drown out the dialogue.
LazyRider> Why was Tommy Kirk popular?
Ironf> Strange place for a toilet.
BEMaven> A lot of teenage boys didn't want to come out of the closet, Rider.
Plumm> It's that small wormy greasy guy from old crappy movies.
Ironf> Ahh all the bikini movies were interveaved.
Ironf> Buster Keaton!
BEMaven> Interweaved, ironf? more like inbred.
Ironf> nope, it's Benny Rubin.
BEMaven> Buster was busy on a project with more dignity: 'a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.'
LazyRider> Looks more like "pooped on" then "lived in".
Ironf> These all were more or less filmed whenever, then joined with songs from around a swimming pool.
BEMaven> hip replacements were so primitive back then.
* Djenk trying desperately to assemble something resembling a plot from this mishmash.
Plumm> What the hell is this movie?
BEMaven> Plumm, you may have to recap us.
Djenk> Hell, I've read Ionesco plays that made more sense than this film....
Ironf> Bobby, are you..umm orally challenged?
Plumm> Would you like me to bend over the antique furniture?
Bice> "Bobby, you're not drinking." That's a line I didn't hear in college much.
Ironf> "I have 20/20/20 hearing, and I don't hear a thing."
Plumm> He has pre-Sweet Dear Aunt oozings.
Djenk> You'd think a murderous psycopathic teenage siren would invest in contacts.
Ironf> Groove thing shaking, right ho!
LazyRider> This is a Movie Classic?
BEMaven> hard of hearing...and singing.
Ironf> Imagine this, she was in a movie called Cry of the Banshee.
Plumm> WOW, HE'S BEATING HIMSLEF OFF.
Bice> And the "every wacky 60s movie must have someone in a gorilla suit" law holds true.
LazyRider> The "Girl in the Invisible Bikini" isn't helping much.
BEMaven> it may be a crap movie..but the neither the boys or girls are overdressed.
Djenk> Since when did Carmen join a biker gang?
Plumm> We're just like Russia and China now. Get me some vodka, coolie girl.
BEMaven> go ride your phantom planet, gramps.
Bice> It's always convienient to carry a clown hammer with one at all times.
Djenk> You know, that fake slavic accent really sets the whole number off......
Bice> She almost stayed sober for this role.
Plumm> Pick me up some Depends, honey.
LazyRider> Make the music pretty?
BEMaven> shouldn't they be playing in a haunted garage?
Bice> It's like a musical, comedy, beach movie and horror flick collided and all the good parts cancelled each other out.
Plumm> It's a song that means, "Ladies, please shave some down there."
LazyRider> Let me guess...she pushes the statue off.
BEMaven> the hell, was there a slide whistle in that falling statue?
Djenk> (Church Lady mode) A lightning storm! HOW conveeeen-ient (/mode)
BEMaven> 12 bongs in the ear? What a perv.
Ironf> He was the model for The Fonz, ya know.
Bice> Did he really just say "give her the finger, boss"?
BEMaven> you mean Fonzie Bear, IronF?
Plumm> Buddy there fists all the members of his gang.
Djenk> So these folks are apparently as smart as the Ravonous Bugblatter Beast of Trall.
Ironf> It's all about carnies I tell ya.
BEMaven> "it'll clear up tomorrow". His complexion?
BEMaven> "the guys are little crowded over there in the other bed"?....
Djenk> BE: Don't go there....
Ironf> Just let it go, BEM.
Djenk> There's a skull, in your head, protecting that vacuum you call a brain
Plumm> Dude, BEM, Tommy Kirk is Ironf's bitch. don't distress him so.
Ironf> Karloff is playing the Price role from the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo.
BEMaven> all they need is the lugribrious serial killer in a multi-color sheath dress.
Ironf> Now they can screw without worry of pregnancy.
BEMaven> i asked for the oily guy, not the Eye Creature.
Plumm> From Leonard Maltin's Movie & Video Guide.
Plumm> Seventh (and final) BEACH PARTY movie failed to provide a shot in the arm with entirely new set of characters (save Lembeck's Eric Von Zipper); larger-than-usual roster of veteran movie greats might attract masochistic film buffs. Panavision.
BEMaven> ahh, the aztec mummy. now bring on the Wrestling Women.
Plumm> Aha. Lembeck was in Sgt Bilko. I knew I recognized him from something
Bice> So when do they find the boss key to finish this level? (sorry, been playing too much Zelda lately...)
Ironf> This movie needs more bathroom scenes.
Bice> This movie needs more invisible bikinis. I'm quite disappointed with the one we got so far.
Plumm> What a lamoid.
Ironf> no, it needs see-thru, not invisible.
BEMaven> that is the queeriest ax I ever saw. did he borrow it from John Milius?
Ironf> You know, someone had to approve all of these takes.
Bice> Even scarier - someone had to pay for all these takes.
BEMaven> someone they had to drag out of the gutter?
Ironf> Even worse, we are paying to watch and talk about it.
Plumm> Is she a goer, eh? Does she go?
BEMaven> see that? the Aztec Mummy was dressed by Landsdown.
Ironf> I guess Bud Costello was dead or had something better to do, right?
Plumm> They wet themsleves. Don't they know Hagbard Celine says Never Whistle While you're Pissing.
BEMaven> both, IronF.
Ironf> "I think this is the rompus room."
BEMaven> judging from the way that wall crumbled, he built the chamber of horrors out of crackers.
Ironf> It's made of yak hair. I've seen Cats 437 times.
my-crow-soft> oooo how kinky... i mean you got leather... dungeon, torture, toys, inflatable/solid stuff... chicks, guys, byis
BEMaven> and gorilla suits, crow-soft. you need the gorilla suits for this.
Ironf> That guy in the monkey costume looks like he's carring a load in his pants.
my-crow-soft> ohh definitely, otherwise it's just not a stag party.
BEMaven> he is. the director locked himself in the only bathroom on the set.
my-crow-soft> ooo.. how fetish, power tools.
BEMaven> a table saw? must be Tim Allen's Chamber of Horrors.
Bice> Gotta love those lighthearted, wacky attempted murderers.
BEMaven> and the heroes with their girl fights.
Ironf> That blade's a bit wobbly.
BEMaven> so's the cast, IronF.
Ironf> Way to switch between "lev-er" and "leav-er" there Karloff. I'm sure that accent isn't a put on at all. AT ALL.
Bice> Instead of just pulling the lever, why don't they go UNTIE THE FRIGGIN GIRL?
Bice> Mrs Bice notes that the sawdust keeps disappearing out of the girl's cleavage with each shot.
Ironf> Well in the early days, they used sawdust instead of silicon.
BEMaven> the stagehand were all too happy to help between takes, Mrs. Bice.
Ironf> Anyone elses picture a bit screwy?
BEMaven> so Basil was transfigured into a Terry Gilliam cartoon. is that justice?
Ironf> Groove out.
Plumm> finally, movie end.
my-crow-soft> did i miss something ?
Ironf> no, not really.
Bice> And these movies were once popular. Says more about my parent's generation than I really wanted to know.
BEMaven> Boris Karloff as the corpse. Typecasting.
BEMaven> Oh yeah, Bice. You can't blame them for Power Rangers.
Plumm> Filmed in PATHETICOLOR.
"We should have a walkie talkie."
"Or my name isn't J. Sinister Hulk."
"No romantic involvements. People could be hurt."
"I'm Vicki...and nobody cares."
"Bobby, you're not drinking."
"One less finger in the jackpot. Father will be delighted."
"12 bongs right in my ear!"
"Why did you have to drag me all the way from Lompoc?"
"Why didn't ya give her the finger boss?"
"The guys are little crowded over there in the other bed"
"I tawt I hear voices saying wourds."
"Keep away from that door...it's a real son of a gun."
Following the movie, there will be a brief discussion of its cultural significance by a panel of scholars...
* Balthayzr has joined.
BEMaven> Balth, you missed 'ghost in the invisible bikini'. It had half the storylines for Scooby Doo.
BEMaven> in other words, three.
Balthayzr> I understand Ghost in the invisible whatever went thru about a hundred name changes before they came up with *that*. True story.
Plumm> What is this grandson-grandad porn team on Stern?
Balthayzr> That's gotta be a fun job. Person In Charge Of Freaky Guest Booking.
Balthayzr> Another one was something like Teen Terror Night or something. I'll have to look it up....
BEMaven> don't look it up, i beg you.
* Ironf continues working on Prayer of the Rollerboys.
Plumm> it's like a contest to sleep with some porn star or something.
BEMaven> sleep with a porn star? they make you the next Charlie Sheen?
Balthayzr> Beach Party in a Haunted House.
Balthayzr> Pajama Party in a Haunted House.
Balthayzr> Slumber Party in a Haunted House.
Balthayzr> Bikini Party in a Haunted House.
Balthayzr> Ghost in the Glass Bikini.
Balthayzr> And Finally, Ghost in the Invisible Bikini.
Balthayzr> Monstro the Gorilla was our old buddy George (To Live Like The Hu-Man) Barrows, of Robot Monster fame.
BEMaven> then he definitely had a load in his pants, IronF.
Plumm> 'Hey Mom! We're a finalist! If we win, the ladies gonna sit on my thing and Grandpa's gonna get it in the anus! I love you ma, thank you, ma!'
* Plumm is trying to figure out if these two are bogus like people on Springer.
BEMaven> plumm, I bet Ed McMahon shows up at his home instead.
Thank you for being a part of AMC's American Pop. Take a moment for a Free Psychic Reading from our Sixties Psychic Help Hotline...
Your work in low budget drive-in fare will serve as a springboard, elevating you to major roles in groundbreaking films during the 1970s.
Your singing career is destined to skyrocket, surpassing lesser talents like Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones.
The gentleman in the hat will land a cushy role as a lonley repairman in a long series of commercials for an appliance manufacturer.