x95 HAMMER (3/22/98)

Directed by: George "Cobra" Cosmatos
Written by" David "Hero" Peoples, Jeb "Fire Down Below" Stuart
Music by: Jerry "Congo" Goldsmith

Hammer. What can be said about Hammer? I wasn't there for the first 30 mins, and I'm glad. The HG clan saw the return of 'Bumpy, who was welcome. Seems that Hammer was a boxer who also had a heart of gold when it came to his 'hood. A drug gang we trying to take over or something and Hammer wasn't about to stand for it. One guy that tried to get out of the gang won a free trip to Canada, so I don't know why Hammer thought they were all bad. Hammer busted a few heads, got a few chicks, turned down a chick, boxed more than needed and had a car chase in a car sales lot. Ahahah that Hammer, what a skamp. There was a black Italian, who was with the gang. In the end, Hammer was busted up a little, but he gave more than he took. The gang went under and all was returned to right.

Ok, take a drink whenever wah wah guitars pop up. Hammer06.jpg - 5.19 K
Drink when the movie-stopping musical number shows up.
Ten drinks if Antonio Fargas appears.
Take a few tokes when an evil white guy shows up.
Chug when somebody says "Jive Ass".
Shoot some heroin when someone says "dig it" or "solid"
Smoke some crack whenever kung fu fighting commences

mgrasso> soulful humming = blaxploitation
bowleg> We have heroin sign! WOOOOHOOO!
mgrasso> scatman crothers and the maytag repairman
bowleg> ooo! a punch to the groin!
Balthayzr> So, this was the UPS nagotiations, huh?
mgrasso> hulk hogan and joe don baker make sweet loveHammer02.jpg - 9.50 K
Balthayzr> Idiot, bringing blaxploitation to a knife fight.
KevinL> Please, Hammer, hurt him.
Balthayzr> Is Hammer your Christain name or your Slave name?
* Djenk searching for his "Jive to English" dictionary
BryanL> Right in the muttonchop.
BryanL> Right in the other muttonchop.
Balthayzr> So, who's trying out for the part of Tiny Lister?
* THX-1138 laughs at the Dolemite/Titanic poster http://www.dolemite.com/images/poster.jpg
Balthayzr> Nice clothes. From the JC Penney Spring Pimp Collection, I see.
shred2> Geez...they didn't even get Antonio Fargas for the role of the hat wearing, cane wielding pimp. Albino Eskimos know more about blaxploitation than this movie.Hammer03.jpg - 7.52 K
KevinL> Yeah, if you're called Hammer, you can do anything, even wear metallic puffy-pants and rap like Vanilla Ice.
BryanL> Look! Taylor Negron!
bowleg> Hey! it's Frank Stallone!
bowleg> Look, George Kennedy!
BryanL> Body Blow! Body Blow!
Djenk> So...hit a man in the arms enough and he drops like a rock?
Balthayzr> Won't you please contribute to Blacks Without Rythum?
Djenk> Rerun: the early fatter years
Djenk> Jenna Jameson gets down..
Jamie> This is a scene from Jonah's screenplay.
BryanL> Even her tampon has fringe on it. This is the 70's, isn't it.
KevinL> They sure are getting down with their bad selves, aren't they?
Balthayzr> Geez, Catwoman's really slumming, here.Hammer04.jpg - 5.59 K
THX-1138> Where's Sir Mix Alot when you need him
Ironf> table side boobs
shred2> That's a hell of a lecture. I think "no" would've covered it.
bowleg> She better get out of this movie quick. She has to be on the set of Omega Man by 6am.
BryanL> Garret Morris and his power Booze Nap.
CaptC> His 'fro's messy, but his 'pit hair's neat?
Ironf> once you go black, you never go back
Ironf> the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
Balthayzr> He's moaning and she's still 3 feet away. Eek.
Balthayzr> Yes, It's the OJ Story!
Ironf> at first when she came in, I thought it was a man in a wig
Balthayzr> So, I guess you would have to call that Black-and-Blue balls, then.
Balthayzr> Glass Joe!!Hammer07.jpg - 8.19 K
bowleg> King Hippo!
Jamie> "The Wiz":"The Wizard of Oz"::"Hammer":"Requiem for a Heavyweight"
KevinL> That car looks exactly the same driving backwards as it does forwards.
mgrasso> no one will be seated during the exciting "driving through the car sales lot" scene
mgrasso> this has none of the excitement of the cleo jones camaro chase
Balthayzr> "One Adam 12, we have a black man driving thru a white neighborhood. Please investigate."
shred2> Dukes of Hazard Comes to Harlem
Jawz> 1-2...tie my shoe. 3-4..slap da whore.
BryanL> This is like on of those bad laserdisk games.
bowleg> Stupid stinking Fred Williamson. He's no Dolemite.
bowleg> He's no Superfly.
BryanL> He's no McQ.
bowleg> He's no Petey Wheatstraw.
bowleg> He's no Black Samson.Hammer05.jpg - 5.95 K
bowleg> He's no Cleo Jones.
Balthayzr> He's no Burt Reynolds.
Ironf> He's no Gimpy
Djenk> He no ShaQ
bowleg> He's no Al Jolsen.
BryanL> He is, however, apparently, Stephen J. Cannell.
Balthayzr> And they accidentally arrest Fat Albert.
bowleg> so Canada is a euphemism for "smack overdose"
Ironf> 'Lizabeth, I'm comming to see ya
Balthayzr> So, drugs and boxing. That's never happened before, huh?
BryanL> Actually, his nickname is "Hannah". As in "and her Sisters."
BryanL> Again, we need Barbara Billingsley to do a fansub of this movie.
Djenk> Baby Spice, before the detox
Ironf> All major blaxploitation stars wear a turtle neck and have thier own theme music
BryanL> I think convertibles were popular then because of the Jeri-Curl stains on the roofs of non-convertibles.
THX-1138> Just as previous blaxploitation love scenes, all I see is teeth...I think.
Balthayzr> Yes, it's The Love Theme From Hammer!!!
shred2> so...she didn't want to sleep with him an hour ago because he didn't have his "thing" together. what has he done with his "thing" in the last hour that's any different?Hammer08.jpg - 6.88 K
Balthayzr> Always good to roll an injured man around. relaxes the spine.
bowleg> yup. take advice from the drunk.
Ironf> Crack heads of Harlem, gotta love the scenery
CaptC> Wow, his 'fro looks like a knit cap...
Balthayzr> Wow. A punch in the nads causes a nosebleed?
Balthayzr> Richard Roundtree, come home. All is forgiven. Signed, Mst-Homegame.
Balthayzr> Ouch. Looks like she had a tough time getting those contacts in.....
Ironf> Leave it to Turner to leave in all racial slurs
BryanL> So his name's actually "Hammer", and his nickname is "Hammer"? That's lame.
bowleg> Hammer wins. Blaxploiality.
Jamie> This is still better than that Babylon 5 boxing episode.
Ironf> please lay off holding his shorts up and open
Balthayzr> This lacks the subtle narrative of the 3 Stooges short "Punch Drunks."
KevinL> This lacks the Mr. T-itude of Rocky 3.
Ironf> what we need is the violin playing pop goes the weasle in the background
Jamie> They were gonna have the finale in a warehouse, but that was too expensive.
Ironf> nice kung-fu smock shirtHammer09.jpg - 7.06 K
cthulhuhammer> I learned more than I needed to know about HAAATTTTSSSS!!!
shred2> I learned that if you call Fred Williamson he'll talk you to death.
Jamie> I learned Hammer hurt us, despite our pleas.
Balthayzr> I learned I hate all people named hammer.
KevinL> I learned that wackachicka-wackachicka and pockita-pockita go great together.
Balthayzr> I learned only white guys boxed in the 70's.
cthulhuhammer> I learned all about Cab Calloway's mob ties.
andre> I learned that Irish Guys don't have dialogue in Fred Williamson films.
CaptC> I learned that the speed bag sound is the same volume anywhere in a boxing gym
Balthayzr> I learned plot devices go away if you ignore them enough.
Jamie> I learned Hammer "The Hammer" Hammer can't even convincingly play himself in "Hammer."
Ironf> I learned that Fred Williamson movies aren't as good Richard Roundtree's movies
cthulhuhammer> I learned about invisable blaxpoiltaton sex scenes.
Djenk> I learned that blaxploitation sex scenes are poorly lit, and we like them that way
BryanL> I really didn't learn anything.
Balthayzr> I learned hammer has the spare time to talk to Joe Bob.
andre> I learned that Joe Bob got a haircut.Hammer10.jpg - 7.09 K


"What's his name?"
"They call him the hammer"
"I just do this crap for kicks"
"I don't mind turning my head and coughing"
"Later, jive-ass."
"Then you'll be ready.................chump"
"I don't get it on by watching. and I'm not some quick lay"
"And don't cool mama me"
"Be cool baby."
"Let's get outta here and go get some ribs...."
"He's as good as they come and then some."
"We've got a black martyr here, Sidney"
"We can have ourselves a good oldfasioned come-to-Jesus talk"
Hammer11.jpg - 6.48 K

Balthayzr> So, a big studio gives you money to make a blaxploitation movie. Give your synopsis here.
Balthayzr> I would do a All-Black Odd Couple. Oh, wait.....
Ironf> Ok Balth, there is a pimp named Silky........
Djenk> Balth: Two solid hours of a bunch of brothers beating the heck out of Vanilla Ice. IT'll sell, I know it will >:)
Balthayzr> How about an All Black Wizard of Oz? No.....
bowleg> Black kung fu dentist gets involved in a deadly drug war crossfire that results in several torn ligaments. Don Knotts stars as the evil white drug lord with a diaper fetish. Crappy music rounds out the cast.
shred2> I'd love to see an all-black version of Sanford and Son.
Ironf> I would make an all black Mitchell
Balthayzr> How about an All Black Manos?Hammer12.jpg - 6.35 K
Balthayzr> Manos:The Jive of Fate!!
bowleg> I'm waiting for the blaxploitation version of Red Zone Cuba.
Jawz> Black Zone Cuba
BryanL> I'd hire Billy Dee Williams and do Star Wars: Lando's Funky Showdown.
Ironf> I make the incredible hulk, but all black cast and once he turned he would be more of a purplish color
THX-1138> I'd like to see an all black remake of Triumph of the Will myself.
Jamie> An all-black Birth of a Nation would amazing, though.

Ironf is a land lubber