x08 Godzilla vs the Cosmic Monster (8/28/97)

MOVIE
Once in every generation there comes a film that fully sums up it's fears and aspirations. "Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster" is one such film. What we have here is a fully believable story about fey space "gangsters" that descend upon the earth to unleash the dreaded Mechagodzilla upon an old Japanese Santa Claus and his family. Godzilla, in a strange turn of events, actually appears to confront this terror. After a few days of fighting, the incredible Dogmonkeyman appears to lend a helping hand and bring justice to this foul creation of space science. Watch for the scruffy sunglasses-sporting "Interpol Agent" played by a young John Ritter.

A SMEARED ASSORTMENT OF QUOTES
nicklby> filmed in STRIPE-O-VISION!!!! (tm)
dungarees> Tooooookyooo where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain
THX-1138> SEE the scenic lands of Japan. SEE the beautiful buildings that symbolize Japanese culture. SEE them all destroyed by huge monsters.
Q> his sweater is made entirely from dryer lint
bowleg> Manda will be represented by the pan flute
dungarees> They're gonna spelunk! Should we be watching this? 
nicklby> look, they're filming Shogun!
bowleg> Ah, the traditional Ceremony of Extreme Goofiness
Q> it's phenobarbitol cam
THX-1138> A hole in the ground is found, and Hard Copy is there.
dungarees> Hold still while I get a good grip on your frontal bones
Daniel> That sponge can turn evenone into Dale...
JohnAna> He needs to turn the volumn down on his ring
bowleg> Chow Yun Fat IS Ken in the Lou Reed Story
Q> we now pause for this totally unrelated and unnecessary pop music moment. enjoy.
nicklby> so what do we have so far?
THX-1138> Everyone's a psychic.
bowleg> we've got a guy in sunglasses.
nicklby> a Japanese Elvis, no monsters ...
bowleg> We've got a croaky voiced guy.
bowleg> We've got a Japanese Santa.
nicklby> unexplained split screens ...
bowleg> ... and space titanium.
bowleg> Space titanium?
bowleg> Right.
Daniel> It from space...
bowleg> What?
bowleg> What's that you say?
Daniel> yes from space...
dungarees> That one was not approved by the oscilloscope safety administration
nicklby> Toshiro Mifune IS the Running Man
THX-1138> And where Kathy Lee is, Mr. Hat can't be far behind.
Q> man, stupid buildings, i HATE buildings, building dropped me on my head when i was a baby. take THAT, you stupid building!!!
dungarees> Woo...that was close...he almost toked on that cigar
bowleg> It's scenes like this that truly prove the effectiveness of a good soundtrack
THX-1138> The sun rises in the west...and sets in the east. Damn I'm good.
nicklby> you know Cameron held this movie up for six months so he could get the FX right
Q> they should just let those polyester suits fight each other
JohnAna> A planet where space queens turned to apesA
nicklby> a planet where Charles Bronson evolved from men?
bowleg> Here, let me wrap this cocktail napkin around your wound
nicklby> suddenly, two old Jewish men show up.
Q> how humiliating - arrested by arnold stang
dungarees> Nice coffee table phallus
bowleg> Care to explain your weirdass performance hotel clerk guy?
Q> the duke boys'll be pissed when they find out these guys have their car
dungarees> 10 to 1, this 'cave' is the inside of a monster and those are nipples or intestines or something
THX-1138> Where are those damn Seven Samurai when you need 'em.
dungarees> Are shapshifting gorillas in interpol's jurisdiction?
nicklby> and the challenger is putting up a good fight, but Mechagozilla has the weight advantage ...
dungarees> Bachelor number three makes titanium bongs
Djenk> Ugly Naked White Guy Alert!!!
JohnAna> Lets beat godzilla to near death , then kill him
bowleg> Nothing like a big robot lizard spewing molten death from every orifice
THX-1138> This is no time to toke professor.
Q> this monster is like what would happen if mr roboto and jet jaguar had a child
JohnAna> He's coughin blood , the doctors gonna stop the fight

MST HG  M O N S T E R !

GODZILLA VS            THE COSMIC MONSTER

"Puppdogmanmonkeyman"

Kingdom: Furry Mascot

Genus: Quickly Put Together Monster

Species: Errorius De Judgementus

A.K.A.: Dogmonkeyman, Dan Haggerty, Doggremlinlikeman, Ken

Special Powers: Silly appearance, huge hairy ears extra-sensitive to the music of John Tesh, uncanny ability to predict cloudy days, loose dress code

Weakness: Iam's Science Diet

Notes: Seldom has a Toho creature provoked such instant, uncontrollable laughter as this incredible concoction of special effects science. You will believe a little boy can fly...

Djenk> There was no puppydogmanmonkey..
Djenk> Godzilla was found safe a few miles away
nicklby> and the Japanese Osmonds wish you a good night
bowleg> Sooooo.... what important lessons of life were learned here?
Q> i learned that you can be a mature japanese woman who dresses like an eighteenth-century english little boy and no one will say anything
JohnAna> I learned monkeydog don't like kabuki
THX-1138> I learned that bad singing will not only wake up the dead, but sleeping monsters.
nicklby> I learned Ha-ha-ha-ha is universal for very funny
bowleg> I also learned that you should always keep an old Japanese guy in a robe around JUST IN CASE.
tibby> i learned that Japenese boys like to wear little pants
dungarees> I learned that love between a mechanical lizard and a lizard of flesh and blood will end in tears

MOST REVEALING LINES FROM THE FILM
"Anyway. Transportation scares me."
"If I can get a scoop, I can make a lot of money. I hope you'll help me. HAHAHAHAHA."
"This material can only be space titantium. SPACE TITANIUM? You mean it's really from outer space? Mmm-hmmm."
"The key that unlocked the divine monster!"
"Damn. We'll have to postpone our attack on Tokyo."
These tattooed characters here represent an ancient kind of heiroglyphic writing"
"Enjoy yourselves... this is the last night you will have... eheheh..."
"Goodbye stupid earthlings!"
"Mechagodzilla: BEAT GODZILLA TO DEATH!"
"So... he's transformed himself into a magnetic force!"
"I can't believe it... The magnificent machine, Mechagodzilla... Has been defeated!"
"It's alright. Your father. Has achieved. A victory."