x41 GUYVER II (12/7/97)

Director: Steve "Long" Wang
Auteur: Some Guy Related to Alan Smithee
Producer: The Unknown Producer

If you've seen anything recently "made" by Saban, then you've seen this movie. This film based on the "popular" Japanese comic book is nothing more than a blantant attempt by the Japanese to destroy America by introducing some of their violent porn anime to America's youth. However, they clearly did not expect the patriotic Sci-Fi Channel to stop them by removing any sign of violence, porn, and even plot. What our savior the Sci-Fi Channel has left is a story about some freak who serves as the host of an alien bio-armor (or bio-armour to you odd-English persons). He must stop some rejected villians from the Power Rangers, Beetle Borgs, and the Masked Rider from obtaining an incredibly powerful phallic-looking weapon discovered on board an ancient spacecraft, whose exterior design resembles a sperm cell and interior resembles a cervix, at an archeological dig. He also tries to engage in a relationship with some scientist who throughout the course of the film manages to get relatively more attractive by losing her glasses, letting her hair down, and wearing short shorts. TV's Michael Dorn DOES NOT appear in this film, but Security does.

Merlynn> Hey,watching kung fu movies in fast forward gives you super powers!
Ironf> It takes Guyver strength to break a pencil
BryanL> Why is he listening to Dig Dug music?
guyver01.jpg KevinL> So, this Guyver, he solves crimes by creating gadgets using common household objects and the basic principles of chemistry and physics, right?
bowleg> actually, Guyver solves problems through his vast knowledge of ceramics
BryanL> Another three inches of hair and he'd be Rick Hunter.
bowleg> she has a distinctly "alien from la" kathy ireland look
KevinL> See, later, she'll take her glasses off, and that'll make her a smokin' hotty.
BryanL> Guyver II: Parking Hero.
Merlynn> Guyver 2:The Slowening.
Merlynn> Guyver 2:Misjudgement Day?
BryanL> That's the monster? Puhleese. I've seen scarier monsters on "Power Rangers Turbo".
Merlynn> Let's see,he has super powers,but he spends most of his time in "geek" mode?
bowleg> Exxxtreme Lumberjacking!
dungarees> He's a bizarre mixture of Michael Keaton and Jack Wagner
Ironf> I repeat, I am NOT Micheal Dorn.
bowleg> I'm not even Levar Burton.
THX-1138> So that's Security.
Ironf> He likes to call himself nam though
bowleg> there hasn't been much Guyving going on, has there?
Q> what an incredibly cheery bright sunshiney cave
Ironf> Just when you aren't looking BAM a disco just pops up like that.
THX-1138> Isn't this the plot to the ultra-secret X-files movie?
guyver03.jpg Ironf> Shhhhh
dungarees> No one really watchin' us why don't we do it in the cave?
BryanL> Oh, god, it's slomo rednecks.
Ironf> slomo rednecks. That is a name for a band if I ever heard one.
dungarees> Schlomo Rednecks: From Galoob
BryanL> No. If it were a Starfleet insignia, he'd be Michael Dorn. And he's not. Michael Dorn.
Ironf> I repeat I am not Micheal Dorn.
Merlynn> His secondary nipples are getting erect.
bowleg> Wow, we really Guyveered back there.
Q> so what exact school of interior decorating is it that endorses sphincters as doorways?
dungarees> Looks more like a cervix to me Q, but I see your point
BryanL> Well, they come from a species that long ago realized the importance of customer cervix.
bowleg> now if we make our way to the labia, we'll be home free!
THX-1138> Hail Labia Majora!
Ironf> Lets see long shaft with bulbous head, yep it's sexual.
dungarees> It's the tell-tale Cervix
KevinL> All this talk about the cervix is making me nervix.
Ironf> It's a breast implant from spaaaccceee
Balthayzr> Wasn't Cervix one of those big-hair garage bands from the 80's?
Balthayzr> They're way down in Deep 13.
dungarees> I am disturbed by the squishy noises
guyver04.jpg dungarees> Who can walk into any crappy movie? GUMBY!
Ironf> I repeat Micheal Dorn did not just save the day.
dungarees> Why is he beating up not Michael Dorn?
Balthayzr> When Rubber Monsters Attack!
bowleg> Time Life books presents...
Ironf> Guyver 3:16
Merlynn> I'm not a power ranger,but I play a rip-off on TV.
BryanL> Hell, Alpha 5 could show up about now and kick ass.
dungarees> I'd settle for the Littles showing up and kicking ass
Ironf> I would be satisfied is Joe Don showed up.
Balthayzr> So, which are the NWO again?
THX-1138> I think Guyver needs to hit some clubs and show of his dance moves.
Balthayzr> Isn't it a bit odd for Bio-Armor to have a zipper in the back?
dungarees> Guyver's opponent has some serious gingivitis
Balthayzr> My local gas station has a Full Cervix Pump.
Balthayzr> Accept your new weapon! The Really Annopying Laser Pointer!!
* Q is glad that's not phallic at all
Merlynn> Sometimes my Jock Jams in my Cervix.
KevinL> Never get your cervix anywhere near someone with Jock Jams.
BryanL> That's not Michael Dorn's batch.
dungarees> I didn't realize that particle board hurling was a martial art
BryanL> Ah. Steve Wang's new technique of cutting AWAY from the action pays off once again.
dungarees> Is he allowed to fondle his own breast plate on this channel?
Balthayzr> "Flying Goofy Spin Kick!"
BryanL> It's a big space sperm.
guyver07.jpg Q> i learned that not paying attention to the first half of the movie was a good thing
Ironf> I learned to slow down before I download in my pants.
Ironf> I also learned that there was no Dorn.
Q> i learned that homegamers really like the word "cervix"

"You want this werewolf or not?"
"Just shut up and dig"
"We're not going to sacrifice anyone in the name of science"
"Sean, he's taking it away."
"You're dealing with monsters here."
"Archeologists destroying the past... NOT ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC BEHAVIOR!"
"No... I'm in complete control!"

This painful lump of medication brought to you by the 3lit3 THX-1138.