x129 Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla (5/29/98)
In Charge of Zipping Up Monster Suits
Director: Jun Fukuda
Writers: Hiroyasa Yamaura and Jun Fukuda
Producer: Tomoyuki Tanaki
Kaiju, get yer Red Hot Kaiju here!
Toho decided to
celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Godzilla Wrestling Federation with this: the heartwarming
story of the Big G, King of the Swingin' Monsters; his completely useless best friend Anguirus;
King Seesar, the Patron Saint of Cocker
Spaniels; and one 50-meter-tall Evil Twin (tm). The movie's plot continues the story arc of
previous films, pitting the AWO (The Alien World Order) against a rag-tag group of Friendly Monsters
who see Earth and it's population as it's own private buffet....
uh, stomping grounds.
The sad part about this film is that it marked the second-to-last appearance of the
old Godzilla. Only one more Event, the Terror of Mechagodzilla PPV, would be seen before
the big guy and the rest of the Rubber Monster Squad went into a 8-year exile, slowly being
re-introduced in the second Godzilla series that began with Godzilla 1985. However, the angles were
completely reversed: In the new series, MechaGodzilla was created to save squishy Earthmen from the now-heelish Gojira.
Another interesting bit of trivia is the other Title Battle that occurred during this PPV, mainly the
fight over this film's original title, Godzilla Vs. The Bionic Monster. Seems the American
producers of the Six Million Dollar Man laid claims to the universe-wide rights to the word
"bionic", so the Japanese kindly changed the title to Godzilla Vs. The Cosmic Monster.
Much later, when the movies were re-dubbed and re-edited in an attempt to make them a little less campy, the
movie title was changed once again, to it's current incarnation.
This movie, by the way, joins Godzilla vs. Hedorah and a few other movies
in the exclusive ReRiff Club, a very small group of movies that are considered
so delightful that they've been HGed more than once. To see this game's previous incarnation,
please click here.
Please Curb Your Pets
BryanL> This is already better than Devlin's vision.
Ironf> Welcome to Screaching Theater
MrBooze> Allanis Morisette is frightened
BryanL> Jeeps. Goofy hats. It's a Godzilla movie alright.
MrBooze> Watch out for the Master Cylinder!
Ironf> And thus the Goldyoto Rush was on.
BryanL> It's a Chuck E Cheese token. What could it mean?
BryanL> Lara Croft and That Girl's love child.
MrBooze> And the mystery of why my hat looks like a muffin still eludes me.
MrBooze> He laughs more than Doctor Hibbert.
Plumm> Papparazzi of the Oooooold East.
MrBooze> Wow, that's an unusually specific prophecy.
BryanL> When have the monsters -ever- appeared to save the people?
BryanL> They've got the first five volumes of every encyclopedia ever.
felix> ahh the miracle of the wander bra
MrBooze> No. It's from the space between the floorboards, OF COURSE ITS FROM OUTER SPACE!
Ironf> Well call a plumber to look at that toilet and that'll stop
dungarees> It's tuned to the light FM with nothing but Smooth Jazz
BryanL> Nothing like a moving epicenter.
* dungarees rejects viewmaster viewers which don't feature Chow Yun Fat in the Buff
BryanL> And thus, the dangers of fabric walls are revealed.
MrBooze> The sordid untold tale of Japan's thriving art thievery ring.
Plumm> Watch out for the leather-bound volumes of tentacle rape comics!
dungarees> A game of Hungry Hungry Hippos turns deadly
BryanL> Still, better fight choreography than the last two Batman movies put together.
THX-1138> The japanese need to devote more time on improving foley work and less time making virtual pets.
BryanL> It's the Cigalette Smoking Man!
MrBooze> And love is a battelfield!
BryanL> Hello, uncle, I must be going. The new album from Phil Collins.
THX-1138> Tekken characters.
MrBooze> Are you the keymaster?
dungarees> So why is Elijah getting involved in matters Japanese?
Plumm> This Bud's for you, Godzilla!
dungarees> Who is that pussy monster with the big keratinous zit on his nose?
MrBooze> Tha'ts Anguiras. Godzilla's good friend, and frequent recipient of ass-kickings.
Ironf> He calls everything Space Titanium.
THX-1138> It's a super crack pipe
MrBooze> Yeah, I make little homecrafted pipes that destroy electrical equipment all the time. Sell them at art fairs.
BryanL> Yeah. None of that fakey car exploding breath... real atomic breath!
dungarees> HOw many times do these stupid lizards need to be told about foil and microwaves?!?
THX-1138> It's like looking into a mirror, only not.
MrBooze> I think I'll mince some more in my foil suit.
Ironf> It means it's a double mint commercial gone horribly wrong
BryanL> It's Two! Two! Two Godzillas in one!
Ironf> This is where WCW stole the Sting and NWO Sting thing from.
BryanL> This ancient type of writing was called "dingbat fonts".
Plumm> Is that Serling doing a voiceover?
THX-1138> Sunrise...sunset. Sunrise...sunset.
MrBooze> And what was the point of the love boat scene?
dungarees> Blue eye Shadow should be illegal
THX-1138> No, you make my mouth water.
MrBooze> And where are your scientists now, Splotch man?
Plumm> It's a fabulous funny freakout!
Ironf> Just cause you have and wear an ascot doesn't make you smooth and cool
THX-1138> And godzilla walks off in the rain, sad, as the Hulk theme music plays in the background.
Ironf> Whew, I thought there might be two little women in there singing
THX-1138> You'll shoot your eye out!
Ironf> It turned into a TBS Monkey Movie
MrBooze> Godzuki?
Ironf> And the judges give it a 7.4
MrBooze> Well, the stranger said we should talk about love...so...
dungarees> So the enemies of Godzilla live in the read menace district of Japan?
MrBooze> Deep in the heart of Kansas, the Mecha-Godzilla factories provide employment and dignity to the nations needy alien families.
THX-1138> Well, who's in for an orgy.
dungarees> You'll never make it at the improv, bitter wormy guy1
Ironf> Those monkey men like to laugh alot
Plumm> These Asian sex clubs get weirder and weirder.
MrBooze> Shut down all the microwaves on the detention level!!!
Ironf> To open it, you must fling your own filth at it.
dungarees> Jesus Christ, what was their red tissue paper budget on this flick?
THX-1138> Saki didn't say.
THX-1138> I sold my sould to the devil...And I threw away the receipt.
MrBooze> Bobo? NOOOOO!
THX-1138> Hi, Rex Dart. Nice to meet you.
MrBooze> Just basically assume everyone is with Interpol.
THX-1138> And here comes the giant devil dog!
MrBooze> Even the ancients liked to make things go boom.
Plumm> Bowser's back and he's pissed.
dungarees> the sun rises widdershins, fuckwit
MrBooze> Now, this is why Godzilla is king of the monsters. He doesn't need some lame song to rouse him. He needs nuclear blasts, bay-bee!
Ironf> Geeez that's a Leno sized chin
THX-1138> When did the Gizmo show up?
MrBooze> Boy, you just opened up a big can of mecha-whoop ass.
Ironf> "Mecha-Godzilla, beat Godzilla to death"
THX-1138> YOU! You've just been booked a first class ticket on Whoop-ass airlines!
dungarees> Voltron Force! Form senseless storm!
MrBooze> Now Godzilla's nails are nice and smooth.
THX-1138> Did I tell you I love you?
MrBooze> Mecha is just blowing his entire wad now.
Ironf> He used the number 3 polishing stick
* dungarees swears we HG'd this before
MrBooze> Is this the end of godzilla?<
Ironf> Ohhh a Wolverine healing factor
THX-1138EB> Godzilla has iron rich blood
MrBooze> Whoa! He just goosed mechagodzilla!
THX-1138EB> Mecha-G is nothing more than a giant love toy for Godzilla.
* dungarees switches Mecha-G to 'supervibe'
Ironf> See if this were wrestling, Mecha-Godzilla would have ducked at least one of those.
MrBooze> Nice foley of an old clipper ship there.
MrBooze> Uh oh! You broke it, you bought it, Godzilla!
Ironf> 'We are screwed.'
MrBooze> Right in the super soaker!
Ironf> They still look like lizard people with hair
MrBooze> Godzilla's having a slow reaction day.
dungarees> The booze dampens Godzilla's reflexes
THX-1138EB> You know what this is gonna do to the G-man's ego.
Ironf> Godzilla is like Namor, he has to go to the sea to regain all his powers
MrBooze> Just foley the same explosion sound over and over and over...
The Many Loves of Godzilla
Godzilla's private life, it seems, was
as tempestuous as his on-screen persona's. He became a favorite of Tabloid papers, who delighted
in chronicling his often violent public fights and break-ups with various lovers and groupies. Here,
we look at some his more famous affairs, and the day they came to a final, frenzied end...
Godzilla and Anguirus; May 21st, 1959
Pictured here outside the sneak preview of their first (and only) co-production, "Godzilla's CounterAttack", Godzilla and
Anguirus got into a violent pull-apart after Godzilla discovered that his co-star had somehow gotten the
picture renamed to "Gigantis, the Fire Monster", thus removing his name
from the title. This came as a complete surprise to the cast and crew, and none
were as shocked as director Motoyoshi Oda. "They seemed so close, like newlyweds", he was reported to
have said in Famous Monsters of Filmland's "Lovebirds" column, "Everyone was taken aback when Anguirus
had the film re-edited after Godzilla went to America to meet with the Distributors. Looking back, all
the signs were there: Anguirus 'forgetting' to call Godzilla to story meetings, misplacing Godzilla's
favorite make-up case on the set, and the like.
We probably should have said something, but everyone was afraid of Anguirus in those
days, because he was very close with (director and writer) Ishiro Honda.
In hindsight, I think we all agreed that Anguirus couldn't handle having anyone's star above his
, even someone who was as close to him as Godzilla." Unfortunately for Anguirus, the film's success gave the Big G
much more power in the studio, and he quickly got his spiky co-star's roles reduced to that of comic
relief.
Godzilla and King Kong; June 3rd, 1963
Shown here in one of their more tender moments together, Kong and Godzilla hit it off mere days
after Kong's arrival from the US. This caused the picture to quickly fall behind schedule; the crew was often forced
to spend precious hours combing the Toho backlots, where the 2 would often sneak off for a Quickie.
However, the lovebirds often had heated discussions over the one big difference they had: Godzilla was
a Buddhist, while Kong was a Wiccan. The arguments over religion finally came to a head one day outside
the Osaka Sushi Bar and Grill, when by-standers heard Godzilla call Kong a "godless bitch". The
pair leveled 5 city blocks before police managed to separate the 2, but the damage had been done:
Kong and Godzilla announced their break-up the following week. Godzilla later blamed his
Propane addiction and studio pressure to produce another hit. Despite this, the 2 remain close friends,
and can often be seen visiting each other during the Holidays.
Godzilla, Rodan and King Ghidorah; July 29rd, 1970
Godzilla's first and only experimentation with what he termed "Free Love" occurred in the early
days of the Disco era. Rodan and King Ghidorah had been a hot item for about a year at this point, and
both were former lovers of Godzilla in relationships that had ended on friendly terms. One night, after
a long night of dancing at the Kurosawa Discotheque, the trio ended up at Godzilla's Mansion, then located
in the exclusive Mt. Fuji Golden Acres. There, they spent the weekend experimenting with drugs, different
sexual parings and positions, and booze combinations. Despite the fact that Rodan ended up in the Lake Ashino
Hospital getting his stomach pumped, the group seemed to have had a good time and continued the odd
relationship for almost a year, until that fateful day at the Annual Toho Company Picnic (see
picture at left). A friendly
bout of kidding turned into a massive 3-way catfight, with each of the combatants blaming the other for
Rodan's accidental overdose earlier that year. Rodan had come to feel that Godzilla and Ghidorah had
been slowly excluding him from the relationship, and most historians feel his frequent O.D.s and stays
at the Okinawa Drug Treatment Center were attempts to get the attention he craved from Ghidorah.
Finally, Godzilla split off from the relationship, while Rodan and Ghidorah continue to see each other
on and off to this day. Oddly enough, Godzilla remains good friends with Rodan, but those close to
him notice he still seems cold toward Ghidorah.
Godzilla and Hedorah; July 24rd, 1972
Godzilla fans the world over agree, for the most part, that Hedorah was Godzilla's
First and Greatest True Love. Having met at Godzilla's Charity Beach Fest when Hedorah "accidentally"
lost his Speedos while swimming by Godzilla, the radioactive couple proceeded to make headlines the world
over with their arrests for Public Indecency. Hedorah, it turned out, was an Exhibitionist, and
would often talk Godzilla into public displays of affection that bordered on fornication. The most
famous of these happened on the shores of the Sea of Japan, where the pair was spotted by concerned beach
goers "going at it" covered only by a beach blanket. Godzilla became concerned that these arrests were
tarnishing his image as a "Friend to Children" and finally was forced to end his relationship with the
Smog Monster after a public poll showed Gamera ahead of him by 45% in the "Monster Role Model" category.
Hedorah did *not* take the news well. He and Godzilla ended up ruining an outing of the Kenny Memorial
Grammar School with another of the G-Man's trademark Break-up battles, a fight that left Hedorah with
wounds that required hospitalization and Godzilla with a broken heart that some people say has never healed.
Hedorah refused to press charges, and to this day still holds out hope that Godzilla will return to him one
day.
This, for Godzilla, was the turning point. After completing his contract requirements to Toho, he entered
a Buddhist temple, where he remained for almost 8 years. Then, the indescribable happened. Godzilla films
started pulling in big numbers in Revival Theatres and on TV, and a new generation of fans, too young
to remember his past indiscretions, started Fan Clubs and Newsletters. Godzilla, touched by the outpouring
of love from his new legions of admirers, came out of retirement to make The Return of Godzilla (Called Godzilla
1985 in the US). The movie broke box office records in Japan, Toho signed the big guy up for a new, lengthy
contract, and the rest is history. However, some fans can't help but wonder how long he can keep his nose
clean in the new Japanese Film Industry, despite the vow of celibacy he took while in exile.
Balthayzr often spends lazy Sunday afternoons battling his evil robot double.
Sorry, Mr. Godzilla isn't giving away any more autographs
today