x71 THE HAND (1/31/98)

Producer: Bert Kamerman and Edward R. Pressman
Director: Oliver "A Double Pleasure" Stone
Writers: Oliver "I told you Ah'd be bahk" Stone and Mark Brandel

Michael Caine is a fan boy who has achieved his dream of being a comic book artist. He is punished for not drawing his hooters big enough by losing his hand during a low-speed unsuccessful attempt to pass a truck on the right by his uber-bitch new age wife. For reasons given out on a need to know basis only, the severed hand may or may not come back to kill random people in Caine's life, regardless of whether he has a good or bad relationship with them. This film is notable for having been inadvertantly filmed in Wonka Vision and the slander suit brought against Warner Brothers by the Hair Club for Men.

Balthayzr> After losing his residuals, Thing is forced to make crappy movies until the Yellow Pages commercials kick in........
dungarees> This is looking suspiciously like the charming Catskills Inn featured in Dirty Dancing
ServoT> No wonder it's in crappy hand writing, they didn't want anyone recognizing their names
nicklby> hey ... where's the forest? I cant see it through all those damn trees
THX-1138> I preferred the sequel, The Finger much better.
Balthayzr> Cool World II: The Gathering.
Q> it's always cute to see a horror movie that has the sheer guts to use the "three men and a little lady" font
mgrasso> michael caine, secret member of the illuminati
dungarees> Does he have antlers?!?
mgrasso> he's got antlers!
dungarees> Oliver STone? you have tricked me into this, fiends...
nicklby> If he kisses Chris Reeve in this one, I'm leaving
cthulhu> How are the Kama Sutra classes coming dear?
dungarees> He looks strikingly like Willy Wonka in this.
nicklby> is Mike the kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans?
cthulhu> No, he's the Quaker Oat Quaker.
BryanL> This is the Merchant Ivory horror flick, ain't it.
Ironf> she wants to be a Scientologist.
KevinL> Practicing for the Lumberjack Games.
cthulhu> Then Jean Luc Picard come to see him.
Balthayzr> Just then, Shatner rides up and offers to help.
dungarees> Freddy Krueger, the Waltons Mountain years
BillBear> Salem, no!
ServoT> Since when do cats chow on lizards
Balthayzr> Obviously not a cat owner. Cats eat everything.
Balthayzr> Should a man ask "how small?"
mgrasso> ring of regeneration +5, apparently
dungarees> So I wonder if Michael Caine makes everything he bakes satistying and delicious
BryanL> This is some serious Manos-style driving, here.
Merlynn> I think Mike lost more than the hand.
BillBear> Please keep your arma and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
Ironf> that's gonna leave a mark.
nicklby> quick, get the Bactine!
KevinL> Get him some Nova-Caine.
andre> Ah, frolicking in the grass covered in blood.
THX-1138> Now he has to get a cow puppet to draw his cartoons for him.
BryanL> Nothing ruins a Sunday Drive more than packing things in ice in the hopes of reattaching them.
cthulhu> And on the door handle was THE STUMP!
* BryanL wonders if they hired a stunt stump for this movie.
BillBear> You know, god forbid I ever lose a hand, but if I do, have no doubt I'll be having a hook attached.
Balthayzr> Oh, and your severed limb will try to kill you. This is normal.
Balthayzr> Wave bye bye, daddy! Oh, I'm sorry!
KevinL> He lost his hand, but his forearm grew 6 inches to compensate.
BillBear> Remember how I was going to leave you? Now that you're disabled I love you again.
BryanL> Speaking of phantom feelings, let's make love, honey.
ServoT> I like this better than your other stump
cthulhu> Hot Stump love!
BillBear> I guess "Hand Jive" *isn't* there song anymore.
BryanL> Because her kiss, her kiss, is on, his wrist...
Q> what a performance, folks! let's give him a - uh, never mind
BryanL> Man, that's not a real stump. That's just a salami painted pink.
andre> Man, unmowed grass makes for gripping cinema.
dungarees> If you sever it, it will come
ServoT> ...I should attach a robotic Punch and Judy to this stump...
THX-1138> And it slaps him on the ass
BryanL> He's doing one-handed pushups, like Jack Palance.
dungarees> So does she have her head attached by a collar...is this like a missing appendage support group?
* Q removes lady's choker scarf and watches her head plop onto the table
BillBear> I think he should paint something festive on his stump, like a happy face or a barber pole or something.
THX-1138> If only he could find that hand...then he could take that detaching thumb joke to a whole new level.
Q> uh oh - thing's got the dt's again - "get these spiders off me, man!!!"
nicklby> From the people who brought you Fame ... it's Obscurity!
Q> that beetle wants to hold his haaaaaand
cthulhu> Is the bug supposed to be the hand's side-kick?
Ironf> It has been scientifically proven that you lose most of your body heat from your stump.
Balthayzr> No, yer penis has a complex cuz you lost yer hand.
ServoT> why is his wrist perfectly round anyway? mine's oval
THX-1138> A hand crawls around and Ed Wood is there
Q> ah yes, young oliver delights us with a scintillating "memory" montage
KevinL> He should just scatter pieces of paper that say "Go Away!" in Braille around his bed at night.
cthulhu> Is it my imagination, or does the hand have seperation anxiety?
andre> Quality prosthetic limbs... in about an hour.
cthulhu> ...And on the stump was THE HOOK!!!
nicklby> with this hand ... I can strike fear into the cowardly and superstitious. I shall become ... The Hand!
KevinL> Well, at least, during the winter, he'll have a use for all his odd socks.
cthulhu> Mandro The Hand of Fate.
Balthayzr> To live like the Man-dro! To be like the Man-dro!
mgrasso> michael caine is... "zestfully DEAD"
dungarees> But Ironhead! What's with this thingy?
BryanL> Wow. The hand became a knob. What a metaphor.
* Balthayzr angrily tosses combs at Michael!
dungarees> Michael has been replaced by a new and more powerful fro
Balthayzr> The Alpha hair quickly looses to his younger rival.
Q> oliver stone IS torgo IN the ortega story
Balthayzr> The MasTer lIkeS PeOplE To GivE Me ThuNderBirD!
KevinL> Back and to the left, damn you!
andre> man, the world really needs more wafer-thin femmes in tight new age aerobics outfits.
Balthayzr> He's got a Luke Skywalker hand, and she has Leia hair. This is getting just a *little* odd.
cthulhu> The Incrediable Journey: Thing's Story.
BryanL> Hi, I'm Janie, and I've got both hands.
nicklby> I'm Billy and I like to draw hooters
Ironf> My nam is Alucard un i lik comcs.
BillBear> You can't have enough sepia in a house's color scheme.
ServoT> no wife and no hand, sex is gone from his life
BryanL> It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a hand rang out!
BillBear> A mint! The hand is a very nice housekeeper.
BryanL> So, the hand not only moves around on its own, but is smart enough to leave foreboding symbols on pillows?
Balthayzr> He should set out some Chinese Finger Traps.
KevinL> Someone left the hand out in the rain.
Balthayzr> Hey! I left a hand and didn't get a quarter!
BillBear> Mandro looks kinda like Keith Partridge.
dungarees> Mandrow IS Tom Cruise in Legend
nicklby> It's Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King
andre> and Caine makes time with the students.... POOM!
Balthayzr> Why are the pages all sticky?
Balthayzr> Wanna see my cover of Crack Whore Magazine?
BryanL> Beer, sex, beer. What a night.
nicklby> dear Penthouse, I'm a one-handed cartoonist ...
Q> did the double bass upstairs just fart?
Q> now the beer farted. what the hell??
KevinL> You know, his left hand doesn't know what his right hand is doing right now.
dungarees> I think the hand wants a manicure maybe? What's it's motivation here?
cthulhu> I keep wonder what thought-provoking, left-wing statement Oliver is making in this film?
* Q did not know that bodily appendages are colorblind; prepares to call discovery channel
dungarees> Ah, so the hand can only see in zaprudervision
KevinL> Michael Caine and Meg Ryan in When A Hand Loves A Woman.
BryanL> That hand keeps putting people into Vaseline Intensive Care.
THX-1138> Talk to the hand girlfriend!
dungarees> What's the hands deal with her? Can't he just ask nicely for some sugar of his own?
andre> did the door fart?
nicklby> what is it with that farting noise?
Q> oh, i get it - oliver stone's wild palms was a sequel to this! it all makes sense now!
Ironf> I left my hand in SAAAN FRAAANNNCISCO!
andre> Big Stupid suddenly develops common sense.
BillBear> "honey, remember that thing we talked about trying with your stump..."
KevinL> You know, if Michael Caine struck a truce with the killer hand, they could come up with some bitchin' guitar chords.
BillBear> Operator! My dad just killed my mom. Yes, I'll hold.
Balthayzr> "If your mom was killed by a crawling foot, press one. If it was a crawling arm, press two. If....."
BryanL> You know, try all you might to inject deeper meaning into it, but when all is said and done, if youi make a disembodied hand movie, you're gonna end up with a guy and a chunk of rubber flailing around and looking stupid.
BillBear> They must be in California. The punishment for multiple murders is being sent to a swedish psychologist.
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
cthulhu> I learned that you should just keep your hands to yourself.
nicklby> I learned that Oliver Stone productions always get out of hand
Q> i learned disembodied appendages can, at will, defy the laws of both gravity and physics
andre> I learned that Frank Miller breathed new life into the Mandro franchise with his many graphic novels.
KevinL> I learned that Manos, The Hand of Fate isn't the only sucky hand movie.
dungarees> I learned that Michael Caine was born to hand jive
cthulhu> I learned that TNT will even censor out flat-chested girls.
nicklby> I learned not to sleep with 21-year-old interns ... whoops, wrong lesson
andre> I learned that it's ok for Michael Caine to say "fuck" on TNT as long as his accent is really thick.
Ironf> I learned that Michael Caine's hair is actually scarier than his disembodied hand.
ServoT> I learned that friz and fingers don't miz
BryanL> I learned too late that hand is a feeling creature.

Balthayzr> OK, votes. What body part would be scariest creeping around?
BryanL> Liver.
Ironf> spleen
nicklby> the big toe
dungarees> nose
dungarees> Ew...nick is right, but I'd go for just toenails in general
Balthayzr> Navel.
ServoT> I vote for forehead
BillBear> eyeball
THX-1138> A giant blob of skin
BryanL> Uvula.
BryanL> That under the nose groove thing.
Balthayzr> A tagteam pair of Evil Earlobes.
THX-1138> An ass.
BryanL> Patella Oblongata.
cthulhu> Duodenum.
Balthayzr> Shoulder Blade.
THX-1138> Foreskin
BillBear> The long intestine, stretched out to its full length of 6 football fields.
andre> a crawling Danny Devito would be pretty damn scary.
cthulhu> Penial Gland.
Balthayzr> 7th Vertebrae.
cthulhu> Vocal chords.
Balthayzr> The entire Middle Ear! Booga!
mgrasso> supernumerary nipple

"Yoga is not 'ow'. Yoga is 'aaaaaah.'"
"Never looks at my ass..."
"I'm kinda old fashioned...I like to make it in bed, ok?"
"Was it obscene?"
"You ever been drunk? REALLY drunk?"

This page was nurtured from an early age by the artist currently known as "dungarees".

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