x141 HELL UP IN HARLEM (6/20/98)

Director: Larry "Bird On The Wire" Cohen
Writer: Larry "Joan Of Arc" Cohen
Producer: Larry "Old Man Joe still pickin' cotton" Cohen

"Hell Up in Harlem" picks up where "Black Caesar" left off -- Hammer "The Fred" Williamson as Black Caesar gut-shot, and the LEDGERS missing. (The LEDGERS are a series of ancient texts obscured by myth and mystery, said to chronicle the struggle between the Caesari and The Man.) Black Caesar's father, "Poppa" Caesar, calls a pimp ambulance for his son and takes over the administration of the local rackets. The Caesari lead a crusade to their holy land, Unknown Island, in an ill-fated attempt to rescue The LEDGERS from the Eye-Talians, a tribe that split from the Caesari thousands of years ago. The LEDGERS are nowhere to be found. Black retires, leaving the operations to Poppa. Until three years later, anyway, when Poppa, in a fit of Aeschylian machinations, has Black's ex-wife strangled. An infuriated Black Caesar reclaims his rightful position, and spears a fat white guy through the belly with an umbrella.
The End.

BryanL> Our very own gut-shot Black Caesar stumbled around, bled on people, and got his dad to call the pimp ambulance.
KevinL> So, he didn't really die at the end of the first one?
BryanL> Oh no, not him. He did survive.
GersonK> What are they doing in Commisioner Gordon's office?
Plumm> This is Deep Brutha.
GersonK> That was the entire merchandising line for this film, LEDGERS.
GersonK> Great, they called in Gunther and Toody
KevinL> So, the Bee Gees are holding people hostage?
Bice> They seem to have taken him to the hospital in the bat cave.
Ironf> So cops still had the double breasted coats in the 70's?
BryanL> Dammit, his doctor said no high-speed getaways for at least 72 hours.
GersonK> They should have taken him to Dr. Nick
BryanL> I love the Gurney-Cam
GersonK> Hal Gurney cam?
KevinL> Wait. Black Caesar made a deal with the Man? I don't believe it.
GersonK> Twerpico
BryanL> Weird Al and Captain Lou are roughing up Ceasar's dad.
Plumm> What, is this the rooftop of Acme Plungers?
KevinL> Acme Plungers. Supplying the New York Police Department since 1953.
Ironf> I hear a plop coming up.
Plumm> And that's the first plop point.
GersonK> He's been rescued by the Village People?
Ironf> The village people rolled into one, Gerson
GersonK> I hear that happened after a lot of their concerts. Sorry. really, sorry.
Plumm> It takes the Village People to rescue old people from police beat-downs.
BryanL> Black Caesar's dad IS Lady Macbeth in "Hell Up In Hamlet".
KevinL> Lady Macbeth in Hamlet?
BryanL> Well, "Hell Up In MacBeth" wouldn't have been much of a pun, would it?
Plumm> Howzabout "Hell Up in Dunblaine Wood"? Or whatever it was.
Plumm> Is Hammer "The Fred" Williamson gonna be bedridden the whole movie?
GersonK> Actually, not only did they market exclusive Black Caesar ledgers, but there was a whole line of hats.
*** nicklby (nicklby@ip-19-163.yum.primenet.com) has joined #MST-HomeGame
BryanL> All right! Time for a little bit of nicksploitation!
KevinL> Hell Outta Shakin' Goin' On.
nicklby> ok, someone sum up the plot for me
BryanL> Well, nick, there's these ledgers. And this guy, Tommy, the "Black Caesar" of the first movie, uses these ledgers to control the corrupt police and build an empire. At the end of B.C., Tommy's gut-shot and the ledgers are up for grabs.
Plumm> Black Caesar is bedridden, and his pop has taken over the operation, searching for THE LEDGERS! and ordering a hit on the mother of BC's children.
BryanL> A Knife At The Opera.
nicklby> I wet the bed again!
BryanL> Whoa. A little riffback for the nickster.
Ironf> Should he be getting fingered in public like that?
BryanL> Everybody was Rolls Royce fighting...
Plumm> And everybody was Soul-Fu fighting!
nicklby> Every punch sounds like a slap! This is a stooges routine!
nicklby> "An unnamed white flunky about to die"
BryanL> No, YOU da frogman!
GersonK> White people in their natural habitat
Bice> Hefner Key
BryanL> It must be Bikini Atoll.
nicklby> I love this movie!
GersonK> I prefer No Bikini Atoll. *rimshot*
BryanL> Would you like to swing on an ass, carry moonbeams home in a glass...
KevinL> Seal Team 6 hits the Playboy Mansion.
GersonK> Wait, it's the chick from Mister Nanny
BryanL> Scenes cut from "Mr. Nanny".
Plumm> Assault on Mammy Island.
nicklby> Aunt Jemima's back and she's pissed!
KevinL> I don't know nothin' bout shootin' no frogmen.
Plumm> Man, they shoulda put Black Caesar in charge of Bay of Pigs.
Ironf> Blam, Blam, Blam it'sssss Frogman Albert
BryanL> Kevin, is this the ending to the Glass Jungle? Is Black Caesar going to pull a compound bow out of his back pocket?
KevinL> Bryan, look at that wetsuit. Look how tightly wrapped his package is. There's no room for a crossbow.
nicklby> and Johnny Cash enters the fight
BryanL> Robomammy.
GersonK> Hmm, was that a railing kill? He rolled under a railing afterwards.
nicklby> bikini fu!
BryanL> At least there's nothing gratuitous in this movie.
Ironf> Joe-Bob would love this show
BryanL> Is that his package, or is he just happy to see us?
KevinL> Ears for everyone!
Ironf> pork butts!
BryanL> I wish they'd do that to David Rosengarten, actually.
GersonK> Anything can be fixed, including Bob Barker
KevinL> Later, D'Angelo would go straight, and open a chain of sandwich shops.
GersonK> War? What is it good for?
BryanL> I'm holding on for a hero.
Plumm> And the bowler hat is back!
nicklby> and arrest Barry, Maurice and Robin while you're at it
KevinL> BTDT, nick.
Plumm> BTDT?
KevinL> Been there, done that. The Bee Gees riff. Gotta mark my territory, you know.
nicklby> well, it's nicer than peeing on the movie, I suppose ...
Plumm> not really.
BryanL> And less redundant
* GersonK sniffs around the base of the movie, then thinks better of it
Plumm> Black Caesar now works in the office of Gen. Barry McAffery.
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*** BryanL1 (bryncthy@dialup-pm6-16.minn.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
BryanL1> Luckily, I was just gutshot, and my dad called a pimp ambulance for me.
* BryanL1 wonders where my real dad would know to find a pimp ambulance
Plumm> I dunno, Bry, but I bet Springer would give you a free ride to Chicago in a pimp ambulance if you seduced your brother's mistress in it on the way.
Ironf> and you gained a few hundred pounds
BryanL1> By the time my brother has a mistress, Springer will be dead of old age.
BryanL1> They're gonna make the breast with two backs.
KevinL> Virginia Slim Ultra-Light 160's.
BryanL1> Three years later? At this rate, the movie'll be taking place in the future.
KevinL> Burt Bacharach as interpreted by Lou Rawls.
nicklby> What was that bear doing in the woods?
BryanL1> Meanwhile, the ledgers, after years of rain, snow, and sewage, have completely disintegrated.
Ironf> red lights all around
Bice> It's the red light district
GersonK> Sure, duck into the theater. did you learn nothing from Lincoln?
KevinL> Gerson, you think a Lincoln'll teach you more than a Cadillac? Fuhgeddaboudit.
BryanL1> Keystone Kops!
GersonK> Next week on BET - Black the Ripper
BryanL1> I don't want to know how D'Angelo knows the relative merits of strangulation and syphilis.
Plumm> D'Angelo grew up to sing for INXS, Bryan.
Ironf> red carpet and red seat cushons
Ironf> red candle
* KevinL is still trying to figure out how "strangulation" equates to "professional job".
Plumm> the amateurs often try to strangle the pinky, Kev.
GersonK> Big Poppa? that's the best insult he could come up with?
GersonK> that
* Ironf is pretty sure no one got that rif
Plumm> Listen Dad, making puppy-dog eyes will NOT get you out of running this crime family!
Ironf> commercial maybe
GersonK> Fewer hats in the commercials
GersonK> if it's in Harlem, why did that car have Europeanplates?
KevinL> You think the Lincoln Memorial is better than the Cadillac Memorial? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Plumm> I'm 2 Legit, hon.
Ironf> red blood
Ironf> TWO red coats
Bice> red ceiling (in the last scene)
Plumm> Jesse Jackson, early Calvin Klien model protoype.
GersonK> Why is he wearing a pilgrim hat?
nicklby> if he's the boss, why is he walking?
Ironf> Cause he's Big Pappa
Ironf> Where did you get your hat?
KevinL> How long before we're hearing this song underneath close-up shots of a Burger King Whopper?
nicklby> the battle of the big white hats!
GersonK> Alll right, Fogey Fu
Ironf> Poor man's Scatman-fu
Bice> The movie that's not afraid to beat up women and old men
GersonK> or the audience
Bice> He's wearing that suit as camoflage, in case the fight moves to a crossword puzzle factory.
Plumm> Oooh, the judges will need to go to the fast-mo instant replay for that call...
Ironf> 'Lizabeth, I'm comin' ta see ya!
KevinL> He's having a spleen attack.
Plumm> This is a Gibbs target search.
KevinL> -Everyone's- my friend in New York City.
Ironf> Did they just pass around that bright red suit to the background people?
Bice> So, ass is out, but balls is OK.
SirDude> He lent his balls to Black Ceasar.
GersonK> Ass out, balls in. the new Richard Simmons workout video.
Bice> "You can say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him', but you can't say 'I think he hurt his balls on that play'". (1 pt)
GersonK> Carlin, Bice?
SirDude> New York and decent place to live are contradiction of terms.
GersonK> He's gonna' make New York a decent place to live by methods of fear and intimidation. Rudy's role model!
nicklby> look, the Hello Deli!
Plumm> Paintball!
GersonK> More like the Goodbye Deli
nicklby> I claim this white guy in the name of Mars, isn't that lovely?
SirDude> Umbrella death!
GersonK> I claim this land for Spain!
Plumm> Black Caesar's javelin Olympics trials.
KevinL> He's not gonna stop until he nails Old Glory to a sweaty Italian guy.
Bice> Let's see, so far we've had inner-city hurdles and beach javelin. What's next?
SirDude> Railing kill!
Ironf> Here's what's next
Ironf> http://rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect=jive&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.users.kih.net%2F%7EIronf%2FHG%2Fgravy.htm
Bice> I *knew* those LEDGERS would come back into this somehow.
nicklby> oh, so these are the ledgers?
GersonK> Ledger? I hardly know 'er!
Plumm> Bring on the gimps?
Plumm> Superfuzz, NO!
Ironf> Back on the superfuzz thing, I would think he would have gotten killed much earlier with all the red and all
* Plumm throws Ironf down a hole to China.
nicklby> the RED zone
nicklby> "the white zone is for getting back at the MAN! There is no parking in a BLACK zone, dig it!"
GersonK> Hey, it _is_ OJ
Bice> So, the rest of the movie is him running around an airport missing flights.
GersonK> He's confused that his gun didn't set it off
Plumm> The "key" sequence.
* GersonK laughs at his "surprised" look
nicklby> all right! jet-fu!
Plumm> Pen-fu!
GersonK> "Now put your seat in the upright position"
Ironf> Woah, what was that super grainy footage
nicklby> see? they tell you not to play with those bags for a reason
KevinL> Ten bucks says the police characterize -that- as a professional hit.
Plumm> Ah, the 70s. When plastic equaled comfort.
Ironf> Parts of this film haven't aged well
GersonK> Left his package on the carousel
nicklby> "Jesus Christ has got a gun?"
Plumm> Get Bob Dorian and those film restoration guys i here STAT!
Ironf> Pre-board THAT!
nicklby> I hope someone has a claim ticket for him
KevinL> I got fuckin' shot! I got fuckin' shot in the face! I'm takin' that fuckin' car! That fucker's mine!
Plumm> Let me take it... to the limit, one more time.
GersonK> Hello, 1-900-HOTT-REV
Plumm> He said to meet with some cat named Pilate.
Bice> He just punch a bean bag chair? What kinda foley was that?
nicklby> Rev. Shaft. He sends you to heaven ... express
Plumm> Black Caesar's patrolling Buffy's graveyard.
KevinL> I love the way the Dialectizer always changes "up" to "down", even in the word "upon". BTW, I need to redownholster my sofa.
Plumm> Isn't "redownholstering" like adjusting your pants?
"You gonna be the first whitey to be hung by a nigger!"
GersonK> But he won't be well hung
GersonK> Did they continue using that shade of blue in clothes after 1979?
KevinL> No, Gers, in 1980 they started using it as a shade of hair.
Bice> The touching "reunited with his son while whitey hangs in a tree nearby" music.
Ironf> and now, the results of that trial
Plumm> John Walsh will nail HIS ASS TO OLD GLORY!!
Plumm> no, wait.
nicklby> "Later, they turned up as guests on Fantasy Island"
GersonK> Coming soon, Courtney Love in "Hole Up in Harlem"
KevinL> Coming soon, Adolf Hitler in "Heil Up in Harlem"
nicklby> Coming soon, Clarence Thomas in "Anita Hill Up in Harlem"
Ironf> Coming soon, Lassie in "Heel Up in Harlem"
GersonK> Coming to a gas station at 125th st - "Shell Up in Harlem"
Ironf> Comming soon, Dr. Vinny Boombots in "Heal Up in Harlem"
nicklby> Coming soon: The NHL in "Bobby Hull Up in Harlem"
GersonK> Coming soon, M.C. Hammer is M.C. Escher in "Hell up in Haarlem"
Ironf> I didn't learn what all the red was used for.
GersonK> It was the '70's. Red was happening.

"But he says it's about some LEDGERS."
"We have the ledgers."
"Xerox is a very usefull weapon."
"What's wrong with the old man? He sick, or did he piss in bed?"
"Just goes to show, you never know who's doing up your socks and underwear."
"You need a whippin' boy."
"I'm gonna beat this boy with my own two hands."
"No balls Gibbs"
"You gonna be the first whitey to be hung by a nigger!"

* Ironf cracks up at Mother Love
KevinL> Mother Love's changing her name to Pearl Jam, I hear.
Plumm> Mutha Luv got the 411.
Bice> Make Luv to that Mutha and you'll have to call 911.
* nicklby wants the 411.

Actress filmography

  1. Volcano (1997) .... Traffic Cop
  2. Exquisite Tenderness (1994) .... Milly Putnam
    ... aka Surgeon, The (1994)
  3. Twin Sitters (1994) .... Penny
    ... aka Babysitters, The (1994)
  4. "Tales of the City" (1993) (mini) TV Series .... Motherly Waitress
    ... aka "Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City" (1993) (mini)
  5. Mr. Nanny (1993) .... Corinne

Notable TV guest appearances

  1. "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, The" (1990) playing "Agnes, the pawn shop owner"


Plumm took time off from driving the pacecar in the NASCAR pimp ambulance trials to make this page.