x05 The Hidden II (8/23/97)

Omnitalented Writer/Director Seth Pinsker

Filler-footage of Kyle "Kwisatz Haderach" MacLachlan and Clu "Not Gallagher" Gulager collide with the foolish tale of a rock-stupid alien and his unending crusade against a small crawfish that diabolically controls a series of winos and junkies. This murky mess of a prototypical "lame sequel" boldy breaks no new ground in it's cannibalization of every other cliche in the book. From the opening 3 hours of padding to the riveting conclusion, "The Hidden II" is a Joycean tour-de-force that will amaze and astound just about no one.

Balthasar> Let's see-Technobabble dictionary-check. Plothole sealer-check...
Q> someone needs to adjust the rabbit ears on the Amiga, looks like
Djenk> So the alien is.. Mickey Rourke?
BryanL> It's a bit early in the movie for an impaling, isn't it?
THX-1138> If it pleases anyone to know, the IMDB says this is the only film done by the writer/director, Seth Pinsker.
Jamie> I think they accidentally switched soundtracks with Boogie Nights
Jimbegg> Wow, only a couple minutes in and it's pure pulsepounding action and drama...
dungarees> I hope he's covered by good samaritan legislation
Jawz> lIt's SPARK-O-GUN! HAve fun and really, really impress your friends with SPARK-O-GUN!
Merlynn> Benji 5:the War Within.
Balthasar> Movie Helper-contains less than 20% backstory for filler.
Balthasar> The Shaggy Alien Monster-new from Disney!
Q> we have to get offstage now - johnny carson wants to tape his show
Balthasar> No animals were possessed in the making of this film.
Jimbegg> No cameras were used in the making of this sequel
nicklby> have any of these guys considered shooting him IN THE FREAKIN HEAD???
Djenk> I like tazer-induces heart-attacks
Jimbegg> Note to filmmakers: Slowmotion doesn't always equal "a good idea"
KevinL> Time for the old flame thrower in the duffle bag trick
Jawz> That's the funniest thing you've ever said! Hi...you crack me up, sometimes...
Balthasar> And now, the Convienient News Network.
nicklby> you know. calling this movie magic is overselling it a little
Jamie> Christopher Walken IS Lance Henricksen!
Q> hi matthew - loved your book of the bible
Jimbegg> Rick Baker, you've worked your foul sorcery again...
THX-1138> This is when Robocop comes and the big showdown occurs, right?
Jimbegg> I like.... _______
Balthasar> I like it very MUCH
Jawz> I like it VERY MUCH
Merlynn> I like VERY MUCH.
BryanL> Well, he does seem to like it VERY MUCH...
Jawz> I like it VERY MUCH
KevinL> I don't like this music VERY MUCH
Jawz> I can't stop laughing over that VERY MUCH stuff...that's great....hehehehehe
KevinL> They like themselves VERY MUCH
Balthasar> VERY MUCH!
KevinL> He likes it very much
Jimbegg> I hope the whole "movie" doesn't take place in a series of poorly-lit warehouses...
BryanL> 20 minutes of flashback, 20 minutes of couch talkin', and 10 minutes of snot oozing out of a dog. What a movie.
Q> sick a cajun chef on this movie and it'd all be over
dungarees> I hardly think a manicure is in order here
Balthasar> I dropped the plot and it fell thru a crack in the floor. Anyone got a spare?
nicklby> oh oh, it's the Cocoon II sex scene all over again
Jimbegg> Why this movie was made, for example?
KevinL> Because of the resounding financial success of Hidden 1.
Jawz> I refuse to make eye contact. There's no reason I need to act remotely human. (or ACT, for that matter)
Jamie> Judge Reinhold IS Matthew McConaughey IN the Charles Starkweather Story!
dungarees> Is it protocol to challange those who have been called to id the body?
BryanL> That comeback would have been better if I'd had the slightest idea what the hell was going on.
Balthasar> Hey, where's the hallways! It says Sci-Fi Original, I expect hallways!
Jimbegg> This movie has all the charm and panache of a Tom Arnold vehicle...
Djenk> Note the soaped windows to help insure that extra touch of darkness..
dungarees> Trust me on this it's been *minutes* since I held you at gunpoint
Jawz> Well..it's all we had a budget for...we kinda had to write some plot devices for it....
KevinL> If they're such perfect killing machines, how come Discovery Channel never has a "Hidden Week"?
Balthasar> Geez, the people in "South Park" have more facial expressions than this bunch...
Jimbegg> Never let it be said that sequels can never surpass the originals...
Q> they paid for this strobe light and we're damn well gonna watch it
Jimbegg> Watch as Seth milks the rave for all it's worth...
Jawz> yep. Dancing. Huh.
BryanL> Even real raves only last three days or so...
Balthasar> So, the Alien's master plan is to take over a bad disco?
Q> first rock climbing, then deep hurting. ladies and gentlemen, may we now present: rave walking. feel the pain deeply, my friends
Jawz> Yeah...we're dancing...we're the "in" crowd. Yeah, the music's loud and good..and we're having fun..yeah..
KevinL> Keep those hands that are in the air and waving like you just don't care at 10 and 2
dungarees> Hes not a very good representative of the grunge cause, is he?
BryanL> You see, because he was HIDDEN behind the door... oh, just kill me.
Jawz> I've figured it out! The editor took a coffee break, and his assistant did the whole damn thing!
Q> well. i guess the lizard king can't do *everything* after all
nicklby> The Hunger? Is Susan Sarandon about to show up?
KevinL> Has there been a single non-flashback daylight scene in this entire movie?
Merlynn> Maybe he means interesting in the way we flop around when hooked up to a car battery.
Jamie1> What happened to Kyle MacLachlan?
M O N S T E R !
                THE HIDDEN II
"Demonic Crawfish"
Kingdom: Budget Soul Stealers
Genus: Audioanimatronic Shellfish
Species: Softshelled Possesors
A.K.A: "Lepke", The One that Hides, Rick
Special Powers: Scuttling about REALLY fast. Inhabiting and possesing the bodies of terminal waste products and sad sacks of all varieties
Weakness: Butter, Plastic Bibs, nutcrackers, guys that look like Seinfeld
Notes: This noble creature in a delight to behold as it forces it's way down an alcoholic's throat. Now nearly hunted to extinction, it's a shame these majestic vermin won't be around to enthrall our children. 

THX-1138> He went to get a career.
Djenk> If he keeps this "Starman dumb act" up, I may have to kill him...
THX-1138> Never before has there been a more sensual toothbrushing scene.
Djenk> Everytime there is a hint of sexual tension, here comes the mutilated bum to break it up..
Q> so he can't brush his own damn teeth but he kisses like Fabio. i think i'm gonna be sick
nicklby> again, no one considers the many benefits of shooting him IN THE HEAD
Balthasar> Now recieving a message from the Big Giant Head.
Q> spike lee makes yet another profound statement on racism
BryanL> Gee. It ended just like the first one, only darker and stupider.

"I want to be president."
"You're a genius. You hear that? You're out of this world!"
"Ch Ch Ch It's a only a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
You are one mixed-up, complex human being. Get back."
"Your body... where did you... I mean how did you... The life force had already departed."
"Energy. Light. No physical body... just being..."
"I feel hunger and thirst."
"This food. Not very good."