x11 Invasion USA (9/13/97)

Director: Joseph "Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter" Zito
Writers: James Bruner, Aaron Norris, Chuck "Joyce" Norris
Producers: The Award-winning Golan and Globus

Hey, do you like movies where expressionless guys blow up things and rage against character actors like Richard Lynch? Then let me point you in the direction of this inimitable classic. In this gripping police drama, Chuck Norris (by himself) stops a very poorly-thought-out "invasion" of the "USA" (or at least Southern Florida) using only his cunning and several thousand megatons of high explosives. Lynch manages to swagger around and babble in 3-4 different accents while consulting lesser actors that look like Ben Kingsley and Rowan Atkinson. The images this film present us with are varied: from big explosions, to small explosions, to large explosions, to medium-sized explosions, and then back to big explosions. A whiny photojournalist semi-love interest shows up for no real reason. Not much else to say, really.

THX-1138> 150 invaders vs. 265 million Americans. This should be good.
BryanL> Buncha floating huddled masses, yearning to be free, Cap'n.
bowleg> Our hero can fearlessly travel through swampy territory while listening to his theme music... is this not someone to respect and emulate?
BillPlum> You know, I'm no seaman, but don't you get better speed when your sail is *UP*?
KevinL> How -do- they make that continuing, ominous note in the background?
ikaros> So far, from what I've seen, I think I'll watch the station ID bug in the corner ... it'll make more sense ...
BillPlum> Nothin sadder than seeing Cubans trapped in the headlights
Q> mr bean guest stars on a very special walker:texas ranger
ikaros> Has anyone else noticed that alla the bad guys look distinctly not-American?
KevinL> Adrian Zmed IS Ed Molinaro in the Tony Danza Story.
Merlynn> If he's Mr. Bean,why isn't he funny?
BryanL> Maybe what this movie needs is to be a different movie.
dungarees> Where in the world (or time) is Jane Fonda's Consciousness
ikaros> Okay, so we have a hairy hero, slimy foreign bad guys, female reporter with attitude problem, and smarmy government agent. Any cliches we're missing?
KevinL> Wow, the guy who foleyed the crickets must have got some wicked overtime on this shoot.
bowleg> If you want to see Lynch sweating in a small poorly-lit room, rent "Invasion USA"
THX-1138> Chuck transmorgified into an armadillo?
BillPlum> Now see, this is why you shouldn't store all your explosives under your bed
ikaros> Can he just make up his mind between speaking Russian and English?
nicklby> a church? could another scene of senseless violence be on the way?
BryanL> Oh, sure... talk about decadence in -that- jacket.
Merlynn> No one will be seated during the thrilling helicopter landing sequence.
Jamie> Invasion USA 2: The Destruction of Jared-Sym.
Djenk> Ah yes! A perfect Militairy target..an unarmed child & an xmas tree...
Q> why are they shooting? what are they shooting at? disregard these and other important questions in: invasion usa!
KevinL> So, they've chosen to invade the USA starting with Norris's swamp digs. Makes sense.
bowleg> At this point, I imagine not much invading will go on in this film. It's just a gut feeling.
THX-1138> So, a team of four swampboats will invade the US?
M O N S T E R !
                   INVASION USA
Kingdom: Furriners 
Genus: Scapegoat of the 80's 
Species: Godlus Communistus 
Special Powers: Attaching explosives to things, drive-by shootings, blowing up swamp skank shacks.
Weakness: Their own explosives, the frighteningly immobile face of Chuck "Emoter" Norris.
Notes: The movie says they were Russians, so we've gotta go with that, even if everything else about them, from their accents to their incredible incompetence, tells us otherwise. The only Russians these guys resemble in any way at all are Boris and Natasha, and at least Boris and Natasha's plans for global domination had some tiny, miniscule chance for success.
dungarees> I think I've seen you somewhere! You were with that man/who slipped away/ I recognize your face!
BryanL> Yup. Chuck "One Expression" Norris.
BillPlum> Ah, they're terrorists, but they wear sensible protective eyewear
Q> so this is the active branch of the promise keepers, then?
THX-1138> Ah, so they're gonna blow up every house in America. Good plan.
Jamie> Yes, the vital target needed for a successful invasion: Sand Hills Planned Community.
bowleg> hark! the herald angels sing BLOODY MURDER!
nicklby> deck the halls with bows of MURDER!
BillPlum> It's a holly jolly MASSACRE!
BryanL> SLAY bells ring!
Merlynn> After playing many hours of Doom, I think I can safely say that rocket launchers are not good close range weapons.
BillPlum> It's the wackiest Community Center in Miami!
Djenk> May we see your license, registration & your guts on the sidewalk!!
BryanL> Pretty soon, Chuck will connect the isolated incidents of his house blowing up, a suburb blowing up, and a Cuban Community Center getting shot up and realize it's an INVASION USA!
Q> i have the strangest feeling there's a bar fight in our near future
bowleg> An intense Raffi auditions for a part in "Barfly"
KevinL> It's always nice when the protagonist is a psychopathic sadist.
Jamie> Starring Gregory Hines as Baldrick!
BillPlum> Nothing says Yule like a firefight in a crowded mall.
ikaros> You know, I haven't seen any reason yet to want to see the invasion fail, especially ... let 'em have Florida, and a little of southern Georgia, too ... what the heck.
Q> somehow a guy who looks like bette davis just doesn't make it in the intimidating department
nicklby> I bet he's having Missing in Action flashbacks
THX-1138> Clearly, conquering the slum areas of Florida is key to invading the USA.
BillPlum> Remember me, Mr Norris? The next time you shoot an anonymous asian, you better make sure you finish the job...
Djenk> Though we walk thru the valley of the shadow of a horrible action flick...we fear no plot. For Chuck is with us, his catch phrase and stone face, they bore us...
KevinL> Does Chuck's character have a name in this movie, or are the credits just gonna read "The Guy Who Shot More Guys Than Any Other Guy."
Merlynn> Somehow, I think that cute children's song will be given an eerie quaility that will haunt us.
BryanL> Boy, Chuck's really fond of the "Kill them with their own bomb" schtick.
ikaros> Now, whose brilliant idea was it to load Norris up on novocaine before every shot?
bowleg> This is the WPBR Traffic Copter, traffic is light to moderate around the vague communist invasion... you might want to bring a sweater.
Q> this is what "glory" would have been like if it was directed by steven seagal
THX-1138> Movie, be honest with yourself, there was never any real invasion. In fact, I bet you never intended there to be one.

"She touch anything? I don't think so. Let me see. Take a look."
"Of course I take photographs... THAT's how I make a living!"
"We're ready to rock and roll, baby..."
"Should have killed me when you had the chance. Now it's your problem."
"18 hours from now... America will be a different place."
"No trace of drugs, sir. This is not a drug-smuggling operation!"
"I can't stand it any more!"
"Damnit, cowboy! Uh."
"Without your leadership we will be disorganized... undisciplined... petty criminals!"

MONSTER! by Bryan Lambert