x171 JOHNNY 2.0 (9/13/98)


Directed by Neill (The Girl From Mars) Fearnley

Written by Wynne (Terminal Justice) McLaughlin

Unleashed through the tireless efforts of 3 production companies:
Pebblehut Productions (Visitors Of The Night)
Promark Entertainment Group (Amityville: Dollhouse)
and Spectacor Films (The Amy Fisher Story)

Hello, Dearies! Today, we're going to make a Sci-Fi Original Movie Goulash, using the Johnny 2 recipe. To start off, you'll need a fistful of Jeff Fahey clones, along with the genuine article. Don't forget the black licorice and split pea soup or you'll loose most of the plot texture. And be sure to have the cooking sherry standing by. You'll also need a meaty chunk of Michael Ironside to provide the necessary roughage. First, you lay down the story foundation, which should be light and flakey. Bury the genuine Fahey in the middle, immediately followed by leftover Robocop and a borrowed portion of Freejack. Then pause for a sip of sherry. Just as everything starts to settle, toss in a fresh Fahey clone. Work in another clone who's slightly aged, making him a trifle bitter. Sending them both whirling about the mix, grinding them occassionally with your Ironside. Then you can pause for a healthy sip of sherry. To sweeten things, stir in some Tahnee Welch with heavy dressing. Your Welch should have cybernetic implants to alert you when the plot is seriously overdone. Before proceeding, take a whooping great sip of that lovely sherry. Now to give things an added twist, lift from the bottom the original Fahey, who is now is shriveled up beyond recognition and... and... You know what, Dearies? This whole thing is starting to look like absolute crap! Let's just chuck it into the sink and order a cult classic from the take-out counter at the Video Vault. On the way, we can stop and buy more sherry.

Who's The Man?
KevinL> Environmental justice: No Photosyntesization Without Representation.
KevinL> Michael Ironside. Wherever there's a crappy sci-fi movie, he'll be there.
Qrow (You Will Pay!) 3000> damn what's he doin in a movie like this?
BEMaven> paycheck, paycheck.
THX-1138> I just know they're breaking into my lab.
BEMaven> Slo mo terrorists ought to be easy to catch.
whitelion1> tonight's bar b que at the lab.
BEMaven> Fahey's going for the Nobel for Black Belt.
THX-1138> SeaQuest, out.
BEMaven> B&w, slo motion, lens filters...I wish they'd stop browsing in the film lab.
GilBates> "I'm 3 and a half years old!"
whitelion1> hello, johnny johnny
THX-1138> Isn't this the white room from Mr. Stitch?
BEMaven> a civilizaton without wallpaper.
KevinL> You know what that white room needs? Some black curtains.
BEMaven> ironside's makeover was a waste o' money.
GilBates> 'Are you coming on to me?'
BEMaven> ...the room also screams for some actors.
KevinL> So, what are the odds that this movie is set in a future where governments have been replaced by giant megacorporations.
lando5> better than the odds that it wasn't Clinton's semen, Kev.
KevinL> Wow, he's the next generation of bouncer. Oh, excuse me, "cooler".
GilBates> Why don't you quit talking him to death and kiss him?
BEMaven> Later, we'll introduce you to Fellini 8 1/2.
KevinL> Hey, maybe we could release a version 2.1, and work out some of these bugs, like this incredibly small penis?
whitelion1> yes johnny 3.3.1
KevinL> I wish they'd release a Johnny 2.6 litre V-6. The Johnny 2.0 is a little underpowered.
lando5> Nope...it'll be Johnny 95, followed by the maintenance release, Johnny 98.
THX-1138> The Johnny SHO has got good pick-up though.
BEMaven> ...and then there's the disease called Kung-Fu Grippe.
THX-1138> He went to work for some other company, Gattaca or something.
*** Ironf has joined.
THX-1138> Ironf, you bitch.
Ironf> durn server wouldn't let me on.
Ironf> Went through 183 tries.
KevinL> Actually, DG-31 is known on the streets as the "Death Grip That Hurts Immensely. Really Terrible. Youch. Oh No! Eek!"
THX-1138> 183...that's the number of people you've kicked.
BEMaven> durn server probably was trying to protect you, IronF.
Ironf> it's karmic.
THX-1138> I like to call it cancer with an error check mutation, but I'm just an undergrad so what do I know.
Ironf> but why the fey Fahey? I'm sure there were better choices, drunks, bums, the like.
KevinL> Yes! We have MegaCorps!
KevinL> Why can't there be a future where governments have been replaced by Girl Scout Troops?
BEMaven> I think they got Fahey because they could afford a Muppet.
BEMaven> couldn't.
Ironf> works either way BEMaven.
Ironf> are they fighting crime....in a future time?
GilBates> If you run into Emilio Estevez and friends, shoot on sight!
Ironf> you all understand I will continue to use c.o.p.s. refs till it comes back on the air.
THX-1138> Nice paintball gear.
THX-1138> Eddie Murphy 2.0
GilBates> "Do I smell freezed-dried bacon?"
BEMaven> Action GI Joe, with cuckoo-cuckoo targeting system.
THX-1138> Hi score!
BEMaven> "you can learn just as much from a dead man as a live one. a dead man don't lie."
BEMaven> Isn't that dead man lying right now?
THX-1138> Were those Jawas going through the dead guys pockets?
KevinL> Jawas -really- like black licorice.
THX-1138> Always bet on black licorice.
Ironf> ahh good job working that in.
Ironf> and you know damn well what I mean too.
BEMaven> Is is really that hard to find a fugitive with candy black tongue?
THX-1138> It depends on whose ass he's been licking.
Ironf> He's hiding out with chow dogs.
KevinL> This is just like the last 5 minutes of every X-Files ever.
BEMaven> ...except the director can't type.
THX-1138> johnny 2.0, the movie that dares to give you more snoring than any other sci fi film.
BEMaven> While you're bleeding, want to put something in the collection plate?
whitelion1> what about a band aid?
GilBates> 'I'm the pheasant plucker's son!'
BEMaven> it was brain detector, Jeff. they found nothing.
THX-1138> Hoho, Jeff's got the market locked on that "do I look like I was born yesterday?" routine.
GilBates> mmmmm Split Pea Soup.
Plummz> okay, okay, recap me.
KevinL> Like we could, Jamie.
Ironf> fahey was cloned about 20 years ago and is now hunting the original, I think, maybe.
GilBates> Warner Brother Records divests itself of its rap division.
Plummz> I need to find mentos. it's critical.
BEMaven> Just how many implants does she wear?
Ironf> 2 for sure.
GilBates> 'Can you even dye my eyes to match my shoes?'
Plummz> i think drudge should replay about now, with his hot new video.
Plummz> of Clinton leading another girl to the oval office and propping the door open, like in the starr report.
BEMaven> What's Clinton using to prop open the door?
THX-1138> He props it open with a bible.
Ironf> and now, back to Hallways 3.6
GilBates> 'They cloned my eyebrows from Brooke Shields!'
Plummz> I think *you're* the mass of balls, fahey.
THX-1138> 'Anyway, I'm going to go to bed on my futon. You wanna get a quickie or what?'
BEMaven> I hear a couple rolling in his head, Plummz.
KevinL> Well, it's kinda long. And it bends in the middle. And it's split into 5 parts at the end...
KevinL> Clo-nookies.
THX-1138> We have naked shoulder!
Plummz> Cotton. The fabric of our Fahey.
BEMaven> Are they jumping in and out of their clothes between takes?
THX-1138> That was the safest sex I've ever had.
whitelion1> he just kicked his own ass.
Plummz> So, this is what TNT wants Crusade to look like?
Plummz> No, they don't.
KevinL> "Gut him like a hawk?"
KevinL> We are not the same person. You are Johnny 2.0. I am an aged Duane Allman.
whitelion1> oh great johnny 3.0
Ironf> Why doesn't he use his electrical powers?
KevinL> Bosch. He calls the shots, he pulls the strings, he sparks the plugs.
Plummz> and what does jeff fahey have against heironymous bosch?
Ironf> It was a monster bosh
KevinL> So, he wants to hack your ghost.
BEMaven> Imagine if they wore those holo-helmets backward.
THX-1138> Plumm must be on the Propecia/Prozac cocktail again.
Ironf> Hellooooo everybodieeee.
GilBates> Assault on Elsinore Brewery.
Plummz> wouldn't it be easier just to gun the van to 88 and go back to 1955?
BEMaven> "They got a rugger nauncher"?
KevinL> Synaptic Transfer, it's that hip future a-capella jazz group.
Plummz> So, what's fahey's hollywood lineage again? he was stitched together from the spare parts of montgomery clift's and mark hamil's car accidents?
Ironf> and one of Michael Caine's hands too.
BEMaven> with Betty Davis eyes?
Plummz> Bette.
GilBates> Is there some Jayne Mansfield in him too?
KevinL> Yes, but there's one flaw in your logic. Bosch cloned me, Jeff Fahey. Who the fuck would want to live forever as Jeff Fahey?
Plummz> my gramma had a sweater bette davis wore in one of her movies.
* Plummz wonders where that sweater is now.
Ironf> I have Hacksaw Jim Duggan's cancerous kidney.
THX-1138> So you're the one who out bid for it, Iron!
GilBates> Do you think George Lucas took notes on this movie for his Clone War series?
Ironf> 'Did you miss me? I missed you......by a few feet!'
whitelion1> yes his chapter on what not to do.
KevinL> No. George Lucas probably took notes while watching Barney and Teletubbies for the Prequels.
Plummz> boba fett was ambushed while fingerpainting.
Plummz> It's the Well-Holographed Man!
THX-1138> He's not a well man, so he's just Holographed Man.
Plummz> I'm Well-Ironsided Man!
Ironf> or Well-Insulated.
Plummz> You were buggy, and your circulatory system couldn't run Java.
KevinL> Johnny Johnny Johnny, he's a regular boy.
Plummz> "Mr. Bosch will vanish without a trace." the surrealist movement will be set back... months!
BEMaven> Nicholson was right. I can't handle the truth.
THX-1138> Exactly what's the problem again? The real guy wants to download his memories into his clone? I don't see a problem or a reason why I sohuld sympathize with the clone.
Ironf> So the faux-fahey just took over?
THX-1138> Haha, the virtual helmets. It's so convenient.
KevinL> So how is this ending any different from Freejack?
GilBates> (dull surprise)
Ironf> Freejack had talent.
Ironf> not acting talent, but still.

The producers do not and cannot warrant the performance of characters in this story premise. In no event shall the producers be liable for any consequential or incidental damages, including lack of memorable dialogue or loss of meaningful resolution to the plot. This agreement shall be governed by laws in force in the State of Non Compos Mentis heretofore recognized as Hollywood.

Press Option For Alter Ego
Plummz> So, they're in Arcade's funhouse?
Plummz> (Claremont-era X-Men, you heathens)
Ironf> Also the star in the Spiderman/X-men Supernintendo game.
Plummz> claremont x-men rocks.
Plummz> BTW, I made sure all my comics were on *shelves* in the closet, so they survived the flood.
THX-1138> Did you use cardboard backs and mylar bags?
Plummz> i did cardboard and mylar through about sophmore year of high school, dropped to just mylar for a couple of years, and now i'm on intermittent mylar.
BEMaven> I put all my comic books in the dishwasher. Starlog recommended it.
Ironf> What are you picking up now a days?
THX-1138> I had to stop with the comics when they started the multi-tin-covers with collectible cards, and such.
Plummz> now, mostly just whatever dorkin, gaiman, or moore is workig on
Plummz> and sandman mystery theater...
BEMaven> sorry, I dropped Spidey and the X-men.
BEMaven> too many clones. too many plot points.
THX-1138> Nothing beats the GI Joe vs. Transformers series though.
BEMaven> My preferences are Impulse and Astro City.
THX-1138> Archie is looking good this year, with that Veronica lesbian story they're starting up.
Ironf> I get JLA, House, Resurrection Man, and what ever else catches my eye.
Plummz> I can't believe they made Reggie Jughead's bitch!
THX-1138> Hey, even they aren't immune to the fads of the 90's.
Ironf> Well it was no fair really.
Ironf> Jughead used the magic hat on him.

BEMaven thinks Professor X did it in the Danger Room with Wolfsbane.

Bill Gates For President in 1900