x115 LEGION (4/25/98)

Directed by Jon "Alligatropolis" Hess
Written by Evan "The Outsider" Spiliotopoulos
Produced by The Sci-Fi Channel

The next in the Star Trek series franchise, Legion offers up some great new charactes played by some great old actors. The powers that be have decided to place less importance on continuity, in fact they've disregarded Star Trek mythology completely, in hopes of bringing the franchise back into popularity. Legion takes place in an alternate dimension where the Klingons, the Borg, the Bajorans, every race known in the Star Trek universe, save humans, do not exist. There is no Federation and no Starfleet, only a military space agency that is waging war against France. In the Legion pilot, the agency creates an ultimate cyborg soldier and decides to test it using dispensible human soldiers, soldiers played by $cientologist victim Parker "Probe" Stevens, Terry Farrell, Rick Springfield, Troy Donahue, and Corey Feldman. As usual, the team splits up to find the super soldier ensuring their deaths, which occur like clockwork every 20 minutes. Of course, Terry and Parker, the two "stars" of the series get smart and stick together by having a steamy and passionate ear nibbling tryst. They find the super solider, played by Tiny Lister, sitting in a corner sobbing about all the death. Taking no pity and calling for vengeance, Parker and Terry destroy the cyborg soldier using their version of the Care Bear stare. It's really a series finale as much as it is a pilot. Alos, Chase Masterson makes a special appearance as Corey Feldman's acid lactating breasts.

Legion02.JPG cthulhu> Army issue bras!
Balthayzr> Oh, cool, Alien 5.
Djenk> I thought it was Species 3
cthulhu> No it's Event Horizon II.
BillBear> It will be a heartwarming tale of life growing up in postwar Brooklyn, Bry.
cthulhu> We now return you to crappy CGI theater.
Balthayzr> We tried dropping our weapons and screaming like kindergarteners, but it didn't work.
BryanL> Parker's getting all his "Official Denial" lines confused with his "Legion" lines.
BryanL> Quick! Shove a plunger up his ass!
Balthayzr> Duke Nukem, Level 1-3.
BryanL> Parker Stevenson in: The Hardy Boys Meet The Newton Boys
cthulhu> Space ship prison courtesy of Lakeview Elementary School.
BryanL> I wonder if the general is a modification of the "Penny" puppetry Henson developed for "Lost In Space".
tubesocked> is this a ragtag bunch of losers that'll form an elite fighting team that will slowly die due to an alien?
dungarees> He's a good soldier. Guess that makes him a hooker and potential whoremonger
BryanL> Corey Feldman IS Trek IN Team Knight Rider: The Movie.
tubesocked> I don't like this ragtag bunch of losers. Can we swap them for another set?
BillBear> Who the hell has a background in "acrobatics"?
dungarees> Background in acrobatics...this is nothing but a beefed up dungeons and dragons cartoon, is it?
BillBear> Ah, the rapist and the rape victim get to stand next to each other. Good planning.
BillBear> Besides, he only raped women after drugging them. It's not like he was one of those nasty violent rapists.
lando5> Parker's never gotten over the separation from Shaun Cassidy...
Legion04.JPG Balthayzr> I call the rape victim either kills or saves the rapist.
* cthulhu votes for them getting married, having a couple of kids, and then breaking up in a messy divorce.
Djenk> I call the demolition expert blows himself up
tubesocked> Nothing like working with a rapist. They're good people.
lando5> Special Guest Appearance by Corey Feldman as Wesley Crusher
dungarees> Does shoving her hands down the back of her pants give her the appearance of authority?
THX-1138EB> Po? Of the Teletubbies
tubesocked> Po and Cutter: the future's vaudeville revivalists
dungarees> And is that Willie from Alf or what?
tubesocked> Over here, is "Structure". Down here, JC Penny's.
dungarees> Parker Stevenson, the only man in the universe who needs collagen implants in his neck
dungarees> How did feldman go from the will wheaton to the martin landau end of the spectrum without passing through tom cruise?
Ironf> I look forward to 'doing' you later
Balthayzr> What happened at macho grande?
BryanL> And remember, if it's not shot 60% in an old oil refinery, it's NOT an SFC original.
cthulhu> They're invading a micro-brewery/
BryanL> OK, we're going to take the guns from Aliens, attach a camcorder lens to the front and some erector set shit to the top. It'll be all futurey.
BryanL> So, pretty much Wolfenstein 3D: The Motion Picture.
tubesocked> only without Hitler.
Balthayzr> So, the security is one guy in a broom closet with a gun.
Legion05.JPG THX-1138EB> Prop computers from 6 Million Dollar Man
Balthayzr> Nice Windows screen-saver back there.
cthulhu> Check out the muzzle control on these guys!
dungarees> In the event that the smalll black woman has to shoot something, that guy is out one butt and probably some testicles
tubesocked> You know, we can just cut and paste riffs from other scifi originals and it would work just fine.
Ironf> sucking is job one!
Balthayzr> Could the covert operation please make MORE NOISE????
dungarees> Cylons. This movie needs Cylons.
THX-1138EB> Christmas lights activated
tubesocked> I think this movie needs an old Kentucky Colonel. A gentlemen of the Old School.
BryanL> Every damn one of 'em is a "Game Over Man" guy.
tubesocked> Parker Stevenson: the desperately poor man's Harrison Ford
Balthayzr> I love movies where all emotions are conveyed by yelling.
Ironf> Ryan, anal rape this man NOW!
BryanL> Shaving Private Ryan.
dungarees> Is that clinique fruit punch lipstick Corey is sporting?
BillBear> John Woo...No, John Won't.
Ironf> Is he suppossed to be autistic?
tubesocked> ah, the tender love between the rapee and the rapist.
BryanL> Legion. The movie that dares to tease you with potential air duct scens.
BryanL> Could have been worse. At least he didn't choke on someone else's vomit.
Legion08.JPG cthulhu> Trainspotting II: Alien Resurection.
THX-1138EB> It's the Puff Daddy remix of Christmas Cats.
KevinL> Never say "shoot anything that moves" while leaving the room.
BryanL> When I think about Aliens ripoffs, I touch myself.
cthulhu> Come on Corey... your carrer is dead... you have no life... just put the gun to your head....
BryanL> You know, life's not fair. Brandon Lee is dead, and none of these people had an accident with a prop gun and blanks.
KevinL> Is Feldman the dead one? I thought it was Haim.
Jodphurs> Feldman is not technically dead.
tubesocked> he's just resting.
BryanL> Power Grid? That's a dozen speaker cables.
Bice> Trance-Fusion - that's the guitar solo album, right?
BryanL> Recirculating power? Did Akiva Goldsman consult on the science for this?
Balthayzr> Tracking Poe - The sequel to Chasing Amy?
BryanL> Rick Springfield IS the Indian guy IN The English Patient.
Bice> Didn't you? You left the toilet seat up, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?
Jodphurs> Meanwhile, at Darkman's fully functional babe lair...
THX-1138EB> All this to set the oven timer.
* BryanL is of the opinion that Lacey Chabert is the Henson Creature Shop's finest work.
Balthayzr> Everytime we see DAX, she's bleeding more. What, has she got Stigmata?
KevinL> "The Lord is my Shepherd. The Lord sucks at shepherding. Fuck the Lord."
BryanL> It wasn't wrong of me to enjoy blood pouring out of Corey Feldman's mouth, was it?
Legion09.JPG BillBear> Mike Tyson's prison footage
THX-1138EB> The perfect hunter, the perfect gatherer.
Jodphurs> IT is far FAR too late for exposition
Bice> So, it's Parker against Rick Springfield. Somehow, I always knew it would come down to this.
KevinL> Looking at his face, you think this movie'd be called "Lesion".
BillBear> What? Terry's not dead! FOUL!
tubesocked> So much for an exciting "ending"
Jodphurs> I can't BELIEVE they introduced the entire plot in the last 4 nanoseconds.
tubesocked> "Mad? Why I've done things you haven't DREAMED of doing!!!"
BillBear> You know, the more I think about it, this really wasn't a heartwarming tale about life growing up in post-war brooklyn.
BryanL> Brannon Braga is sitting at home, watching this, and thinking "Man, that's fucked up."
Bice> I learned that heavy drinking doesn't make these movies any better.
Balthayzr> I learned corey is the Anti-Christ. Any movie starring him must be excorsized.
cthulhu> I learned that Corey Fledman will roast in everlasting hell fire for his career.
Jodphurs> I learned that rapists really care about their victims and are sad when the victims die
THX-1138EB> I learned what I want to do as a graduate research project - were-lizards.
BryanL> I learned that as long as there is a Sci Fi Channel, there will be bad movies.
tubesocked> I learned that it's nice to yell" KOOOZZZZMAAAAN" every so often.
cthulhu> I also learned that the noble lizard will be the model for America's future fightingman.
Ironf> I learned they recast Alien with the Mortal Kombat players
BryanL> I learned to go for the throat.
Balthayzr> I learned that crazed killers are really people we should care about. Or experiment with, I forget.
KevinL> I learned how to point a gun.
tubesocked> I learned that Parker Stevenson is the best damn Parker Stevenson on this continent.
Legion10.JPG Balthayzr> I learned acting. Watch.
tubesocked> I also learned that pointing and yelling can really pad a movie out.
cthulhu> I learned it's NOT a good idea to leave a hit TV show just to star in an SFC original movie.

"I like getting dirty Major."
"Raped and mutilated 2 fellow soldiers under the influence of introvenous drugs."
"Try me. You'll like it."
"Stay hydrated, people!"
"If you don't mind.. if it doesn't make you uncomfortable... I'm going to stick around close to you"
"Whoever did this likes to kill."
"If I might... Uh. This place is scary."
"You gotta help me out here... I'm freaking out!"
"Are you using good judgement?"
"A creature with the primordial mind of a lizard!"

Ironf> this movie needs Lance in it
cthulhu> Your right Ironf... This movie needs his deadpan presence.
tubesocked> failing that, this movie needs Soupy Sales.
tubesocked> or Studs Terkel.
Balthayzr> Or failing that, Pinky Lee.
BryanL> Failing that, this movie needs to be The English Patient.
tubesocked> or Doodles Weaver.
Djenk> failing that, The Solid Gold Dancers
cthulhu> Or Derek Jacobi
tubesocked> or maybe Allen Ginsberg.
Balthayzr> Or Fuzzy St. John.
Djenk> Or Fozzy Bear
cthulhu> Or Tiny Tim.
tubesocked> Anthony Michael Hall?
THX-1138EB> Falco's corpse.
tubesocked> Lee Marvin.
Balthayzr> Or shred.
cthulhu> Peter Cushing.
tubesocked> or Mike Ditka.
BillBear> or The People's Lawyer.
Balthayzr> Or Stephen King.
Ironf> We need a bit of Fred Williamson in this fine film
Ironf> A multi-colored Will Wheaton would be nice.
cthulhu> Weasly Crusher and the Amazing Technicolor Hide!

THX-1138 was made in association with the Sci Fi Channel.