x120 MORTAL KOMBAT (5/17/98)

MKboard.jpg - 30.73 K


Directed by Paul "Event Horizon" Anderson

Written by Ed Boon and John Tobias (Vidiots)


Movie translations of popular video games have had a notorously bad rap. And in most cases, they deserve it. Mortal Kombat was one that kinda deserved it, but not really. Weak on plot, strong on action. At least it was faithful to the game series that way. Anyway, Shang is about to be able to take over the Earth because the Earth has had a bunch of losers entered into the martial arts expo of the multiverse. Once we loose this one it's over. So some people get aboard a titanic piece of junk and so to join the "best" fighters of anywhere. I'm sure most people out there that happen to read these logs have seen this partcular movie, so there's really no reason for me to go into further detail about it. Whatever.


BryanL> Lambert arrives. Fatality.
Alucard> i seen this movie 50 timesMk02.jpg - 24.99 K
mgrasso> why am i not surprised.
Ironf> Big man to kick a little kid's ass.
Bice> The entire movie's gonna be in slow motion, isn't it...
THX-1138> And he's slapped around like a red headed stepchild
Bice> This is a really crappy ventriloquist act
Ironf> Now to work out on the slam man a bit and get to the job.
THX-1138> Hong Kong - land of pirated videos and software.
BryanL> And now we introduce the rest of the game's cast.
THX-1138> This is the same night club they shot Basic Instinct, Robocop, and Species in.
BryanL> It's Jacko! Where's his Energizer Battery?
BryanL> She's got all the presence of a young, blond Terry Farrell.
Bice> Not phallic enough. Build another temple.
Ironf> Analconda II: The Rectaling
Bice> He stepped on the same land mine you did. Kinda silly, following in your footsteps...
BryanL> A whole order of monks who worship a sadass fighting game concept.
Ironf> And guess what? They all have on new Nikes
KevinL> My name is Rayden McLeod of the clan McLeod.Mk05.jpg - 11.40 K
Ironf> Shouldn't he have a big afro now after touching Rayden?
Ironf> Yes there is always welding work at the docks.
Ironf> Hey Sonya, i'm a second string character that will have no further part in the movie if you get on the boat!
Bice> Skull light, Skull bright, first skull I see tonight...
KevinL> So, he opened the Ark of the Covenant again?
BryanL> She's out of cellular range. She should be using Iridium.
KevinL> Um, lady, if your walkie talkie still has transistors in it, you've got worse problems than bad reception.
BryanL> It's a bigass matte painting.
Ironf> And now welcome to pajama dinner theater.
BryanL> His name is Prince Goro, and he is funky.
BryanL> It's the four-armed freak. Chicks dig the four-armed freak.
Bice> Have you seen what happened back there? No, the special effects guys haven't filled that part in yet.
BryanL> Her name is Kitana. She is ten thousand years old, and can never die.
Bice> The sarcastic clapping family!Mk13.jpg - 12.73 K
Ironf> Did they pay him by the crappy one-liners?
BryanL> See, they were gonna fight there too, but no techno music started up, so they couldn't.
BryanL> Well, if you forgot to bring your fatalities, you can borrow a cup from the movie next door.
Ironf> So sorry, the movie next door is Super Mario Bros., so they only have mushroom people
THX-1138> It's in my pants. Come get some.
Ironf> Groin cam (tm)
BryanL> Hey, Sonya... Lara Croft called. She wants... everything back.
* Bice 's wife points out that females shouldn't really be fighting in a tank top and short shorts.
THX-1138> Oooo, right in the ovaries.
Ironf> Boobality
THX-1138> That's what you get when you're filled with gasoline
Djenk> NOw pose for the CD Cover....and FIGHTMk14.jpg - 10.42 K
BryanL> Again, black guy, not from the game, ergo, toast.
THX-1138> Hide like an ostrich and cry like a fem.
Ironf> Let's see how many times we can work in the title of the movie?
BryanL> Talk to the hand. And to the hand. And to this one. And to that one.
Ironf> Crotchality
THX-1138> Only you can prevent outworld fires
Ironf> Ahh the varient Whore Sonya figure.
Ironf> Tonga Tom
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present, every fighting game stereotype ever.
BryanL> You fool! He's got over half his power bar left!
Ironf> And here is the last move. Forward, Forward, punch
KevinL> For the entire movie, Rayden talks like a fortune cookie, and in the last scene he's a wisecracking smart-ass. Right.
BryanL> Enjoy our rich creamy techno remix.
Ironf> Well did anyone left learn anythin?
BryanL> I learned that most of these people acted better when they were digitized.
Ironf> I seemed to learn that any one word can be ended with -ality and kinda fit in this movieMk10.jpg - 10.28 K


"This is where you fall down."
"Your side show freaks attacked my fighters"
"You will never escape from the pits of dispair..."
"When a woman looks at you like that, it usually means something."
"It's not her mind you're admiring"
"She said she was 19!"
"I smell something."
"Allo baby, did you miss me?"
"You imbecile."

Ironf liked Baraka