x140 THE OCTAGON (6/18/98)

Directed by: Erik Carson
Written by: Paul "Morgan Stewart's Coming Home" Aaron, Leigh Chapman

Chuck Norris was bitten by an acting bug while at a kung-fu demonstration. This bug imbued Chuck with the power of kung-fu fighting, a semi-decent wardrobe, and the power to star in a bunch of films and tv shows. It also gave him the strange power of Chucky-Sense (tm) , this allows him to sense danger, by hearing a super reverbed voice in his head. Unfortunately, he didn't gain the power of acting, which is why we gathered here today. It really is a pity since he has been in a bunch of films and shows and such, you think he would have learnt how to act by now, but I guess all that kung-fu training eats up his time or something. Whatever.

BryanL> American "Wakka" Cinema.O13.jpg - 15.51 K
mgrasso> whoa! peter tork!
BryanL> Chuck during his "red" phase.
KevinL> He's scanning us!
mgrasso> cheech and chong's commando camp
BryanL> Ah, yes. The great Irish Wetbacks of the 80's.
Bice> Hey, I paid for the accent lessons, I'm usin' 'em
BryanL> You know what they say, if it ain't garrote, don't fix it.
Bice> Patty Hearst, the Hollywood years.
Ironf> That's a lot of hair he has
mgrasso> you know, they shouldn't have put the quaaludes next to the m&m's in chuck's trailer.
BryanL> Scott "Peter" Jennings, kicking ass on the evening news.O2.jpg - 12.37 K
Bice> Sparkling dialog. First date always requires the use of the phrase "throwing up".
BryanL> I like the way you incorporated the martial arts into your moustache, Chuck.
mgrasso> wow! his spidey-sense is tingling!
BryanL> Chuck's spid... damn. Shouldn't have been eating salad.
Bice> First time in the house, but he knows exactly where the fuse box is.
MrBooze> The voices in Chuck's head are at it again.
KevinL> Maybe he should turn down the reverb level on his inner monologue.
KevinL> If you reveal our location I will personally gouge out you eyes and skull-fuck you!!!
BryanL> Hey, a few hours is enough for Chuck to have sex with her 20, 30 times.
mgrasso> "have you hugged your ninja today?"O6.jpg - 14.08 K
Ironf> Cleef has an ear-ring. He's with the times
BryanL> Not an earring, actually... it's a quick release catch for his brain.
Bice> Sure, I hand my car over to strangers every day.
mgrasso> physics takes a holiday in... "the octagon!"
Ironf> Now he stalks her, just like he does with all future dates
mgrasso> meanwhile, on the set of "hammer"
Ironf> will he escape the maze of fertilizer bags?!!
mgrasso> labyrinth. starring the cruel elegance of david bowie.
BryanL> Just like a ninja to bring a garrote to a knife fight.
Bice> You outta be more careful who you talk to - you could end up talking to Lee Van Cleef
MrBooze> TAFT!
mgrasso> i love the nebulous term "terrorists" in this movie.
mgrasso> in 1979, "terrorist" = "iranian"O1.jpg - 10.26 K
KevinL> 1997: "terrorist" = "any vaguely middle easterner" or "Russian Mafia"
mgrasso> kenny loggins, no!
* KevinL takes note of all the meaningful numerological confluences of the number 8 that show up in "The Octagon".
BryanL> Like Chuck's eight facial expressions.
BryanL> Sure, six of them are "stern", but still...
Ironf> or 8 words he knows
KevinL> Well, actually, he's only got 1, but that's 8 -divided by- 8. See?
Ironf> If you look out the window Chuck, you can see where the ninja are pretending to be a hedge
KevinL> It's no real surprise that Chuck's inner monologue consists of short, stilted, incomplete sentences.
BryanL> You know, Nick Hammond looks at that guys hair and says, "Damn, that's big 70's hair."
MrBooze> He's got to change back into Dr Detroit now.
BryanL> Hey, Chuck, ask your buddy Rich Hall to do a Sniglet!
mgrasso> meanwhile, meaningless training continues
MrBooze> Oh, he's French. Kill him.
mgrasso> ah, the frenchie's gonna buy it.O7.jpg - 15.81 K
Ironf> This is an old school ass whipping
mgrasso> more of this movie takes place in hotel lounges
BryanL> Man, the foley guy's completely out to lunch in this movie, isn't he.
mgrasso> so, ninja training school consists of tapping each other lightly with bamboo sticks and witnessing your classmates die horribly? ok.
Ironf> Japanese Gladiators really didn't take off like the American version did, did it?
mgrasso> it's Marlboro man auditions
Ironf> Why is Jack Hanna hiring mercs?
mgrasso> he's sick of the monkeys pissing on him.
BryanL> Kev, I think we should start a campaign to become the official Milk and Cheese of the Homegame.
*** KevinL (klambert@dialup-pm1-3.minn.net) has left #MST-HomeGame
*** Cheese (klambert@dialup-pm1-3.minn.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
*** BryanL has quit IRC ((signed off))O8.jpg - 13.06 K
*** Milk (bryncthy@dialup-pm3-7.minn.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
* MrBooze senses the imminent arrival of "Milk"
Milk> Sense THIS!
* Milk hits Booze with broken bottle
MrBooze> Everyone knows that milk and booze don't mix.
Ironf> Is Cleef Chuck's very own Jack Flack?
Milk> Chuck's actually interested in a furburger.
Ironf> You must first wear these fabulous fur underwear.
MrBooze> That's a much better chest wig than Austin Powers had.
Milk> Try to keep up, we go even faster during the movie. :)
* Milk realizes that emoticons are way, way, WAY out of character for Milk.O4.jpg - 12.23 K
mgrasso> hmm. the concept of riffing is alien to so many of our special guests
mgrasso> so... who's more psycho, guys, this chick or margot kidder?
Cheese> See, you can only get there in a special car powered by oral sex, and they always make me drive.
MrBooze> She died as she lived...with something sliding down her throat.
mgrasso> booze no! foul!
* Milk is cracking up too hard to call foul on Booze
mgrasso> chuck takes more phone calls than shaft.
mgrasso> but, alas, without the turtlenecks, there's no comparison.
Milk> Random scenes of the French will be included to fuck with your mind.
Ironf> The famous French faction of Ninja
Ironf> screw ninja, cleef uses a gunO14.jpg - 13.73 K
Cheese> It's pretty sad to be a ninja who gets his ass kicked by Dwight Yoakam.
Ironf> Where in the world is *ugh* Ninja Joe!
SirDude> Let's see how many more sceens we can put into this movie where Chuck Norris isn't wearing his shirt.
mgrasso> what kind of a psycho sleeps in khakis?
SirDude> He stumbles onto a Vietnamese POW camp.
Ironf> So, just like a Marvel superhero movie, we get to wait till the last 15 mins before we see Chuck in full ninja mode
mgrasso> i like the authentic ancient japanese hi-fi on the shelf there
Ironf> Oddly enough, it was made in America Grasso
mgrasso> if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the cleef-team
Cheese> All their ninja training and it still eventually degrades into an old-school beat-down.
mgrasso> after this, there'll be logrolling and strongman competitions.O10.jpg - 10.67 K
Milk> Ladies and gentlemen, the ending to every Sho Kosugi movie ever.
Milk> Sai, are those Bugle Boy hakama you're wearing?
mgrasso> he's the iron samurai sheik
Milk> Katana Hot Tin Roof
Ironf> Use the sleeper!
mgrasso> figure 4!
Milk> Kick, punch, it's all in the mind!
Cheese> Do the eye gouge, you turkeyneck!
Milk> Ninja been gedde gedde good to me.
MrBooze> I miss Chuck's whisper-overs
Milk> So, it's day, and it's night, and it's sunrise, and its midafternoon, and it's red, and it's over?
Cheese> Yes. End. Over. Right. Cover me. You hard bastards.
MrBooze> I learned...um...
MrBooze> um... O11.jpg - 13.15 K
mgrasso> I learned lee van cleef is not nearly as believable without a small furry pet... norris doesn't count
Milk> I learned that an octagon has eight sides, and that Tim Conway starred as Sheik Weezer Ceezar Pizza Pizza Deezen, or some damn thing.
Cheese> I learned that if it's an octagon, that means it sucks 8 times worse than anything else.
Ironf> I learned that Chuck has a very serious mental problem that he probably needs to get checked right away.
SirDude> I learned that Chuck Norris has so much chest hair that it looks like he's wearing a sweeter.
MrBooze> I learned that the guy from Conan the Destroyer played Frog in Best of the West

"Good body, nice smile. good in bed. you can tell by the way she moves."
"The salt keeps me from throwing up."
"Oh my god! Ninja!"
O12.jpg - 15.91 K "Nnnnniiiiijjjjaaaaaa"
"Man only needs one good eye to shoot a weapon"
"That's rubbish."
"That's not what I hear on the docks."
"You don't look so whistle-clean yourself."
"I have the most confident looking cheek bones"
"They were retired... due to the fact that they were killed."
"That makes me stupid... and you a whore."
"Speak any slope or Arab?"
"I'm having a terrible nightmare and I can't stop."
"Well, then, I guess it's time for a bloodbath, isn't it."
"Get some of the boys and clean this up."
"I didn't have a hog. I had *the* hog!"

spiduck.gif - 72.12 K

Billy Cardwell's Ironf-Sense is on the blink