x150 TERROR IN THE MALL (7/29/98)

Written by John "Saved By The Light" Mandel and Dan "Surf Ninjas" Gordon
Associate Produced by Carla "Hostile Waters" Thoeren
Executive Produced by David L. "L.A. Confidential???" Wolper

Most networks would simply stoop to showing us inane sitcoms during the summer as replacement series. Not Fox, that bastion of "reality" "television." They've provided us with movies about mutant lizards and ants, so the logical next step was a flooding mall that's going to explode while a murderer brings a bunch of hostages along on a supermarket sweep. Borrowing heavily from our favorite disaster movies, Terror At The Mall takes advantage of the free-floating anxiety of the modern consumer by turning the mall into a place of evil. Of course, the hostages include the sheriff's wife, who's also a doctor and a CIA operative, famous mall-denizen Tiffany and her manager, who happens to be a Britishy Tiny Lister. There's Robert Vaughn's little brother Chad, who plays an alcoholic lounge lizard architect, and Puddy from Seinfeld, who plays the aforementioned serial killer/professional bowler.

mgrasso> terror in the mall???
BryanL> The mall is -sinking-.
BryanL> How many pens actually do work yard stuff in a driving rain?
mgrasso> exciting lauundry action!
Ironf> ok, my power never throbs like that, it's either on or off
mgrasso> marky mark, library cop.
BryanL> The laundry's exploding!
mgrasso> don't let the laundry go over 50 miles per hour!
BryanL> Now THAT's what I call an agitate cycle.
mgrasso> monica lewinsky's dress: the true story
ServoT> Hey there on KTM...L
Ironf> KTML, too bad they passed on first showing mst
mgrasso> it's atlantis!
ServoT> It's the biosphere
mgrasso> oooh! x-files subtitles!
ServoT> DANNY Duchovney
BryanL> "Pines" Valley? Is that the right way to use a plural?
mgrasso> is that ted raimi?
BryanL> They're actually including the "making of" footage in the movie!
BryanL> Why did she hire a guy from the English Beat as her manager?
mgrasso> laurence fishburne
mgrasso> sorry. that riff misfired. i meant "forrest whitaker." i'm a dumb honky.
BryanL> Funny how this mall lacks any recognizable store names.
mgrasso> trouble? up at the dam? get GK and charlton!
Ironf> I want every outhouse, doghouse, and especially whorehouse checked within a 20 mile radius.
mgrasso> ok, so it's "the flood" crossed with "the fugitive" with a heaping helping of "the crying game."
BryanL> Could someone shut Frank Black Jr. up, already?
ServoT> There's a Mall, I'd like to mention that
mgrasso> at the high school, elderly are involved ina deadly game of super jackpot bingo.
BryanL> Can we get some cat litter on this floor?
Ironf> They bought all that equipment to predict the powerball numbers
mgrasso> oooh, timely riff, ironf
ServoT> She could open a can with those teeth
BryanL> The chemistry between them is borderline palpable.
mgrasso> jeri ryan's half-sister, sherry "34B" ryan
BryanL> Both of them learned their lines phonetically. They're not English speakers.
ServoT> he's hard on suits
mgrasso> the sheriff-to-civilian ratio is a little rich, i think
BryanL> Robert Vaughn and William Shatner's love child.
mgrasso> robert wagner *is* l. ron hubbard *in* the tommy lee jones story
* mgrasso prays for sync in this movie
Ironf> speaking of syncing
BryanL> Soundtrack available on Kid Rhino.
BryanL> It sounds like a Power Rangers song.
mgrasso> i think this was rejected by saban, bryan.
ServoT> Her singing career would work better with a band
BryanL> That singer's kind of a Mackenzie Phillips/Appolonia crossbreed.
mgrasso> it's the alien bounty hunter! he's working at champion sporting goods!
BryanL> So, pretty much every single thing in this movie would never, ever happen. Got it.
mgrasso> oh! gojira!
Ironf> My tonkas!
mgrasso> wow. he's got fred williamson sideburns
mgrasso> "nice sideburns... for a honky."
ServoT> Well, the mall's opening isn't shot, they could have a wet t-shirt contest
mgrasso> so, the flood happens now, so what happens for the rest of the hour and a half?
cthulhu> That is one hell of a jaccuzi!
BryanL> Damn first class passengers, locking the doors!
BryanL> Well, at least the flood will keep our singer lady's hair down.
GersonK> The new white water rafting ball pit at DZ
GersonK> Umm, use the stairs in time of emergency
mgrasso> oh yeah, good. enter the death trap.
BryanL> No, Stairs are for fire. Fire's the opposite of flood, so for flood you use the elevator.
mgrasso> terror at the mall: the revenge of scrubbing bubbles.
BryanL> The music almost makes you forget the water's only knee deep.
Ironf> You know, this doesn't have the nuances that "Chopping Mall" had.
ServoT> Cuba Gooding, NO!
BryanL> Most important thing in a flood? More clothes.
mgrasso> oooh! gore-tex!
BryanL> They loot, then they drown.
GersonK> I know it's a little early, but I'd just like to say, that by that time, my lungs were...
cthulhu> Oh great the mall is flooding and there's a sale in the sport shop!
mgrasso> pack those flippers!
ServoT> haha! scooba scenes!
mgrasso> meanwhile, at "she's the sheriff" open casting call
GersonK> As a result of this flood in the heartland, looting breaks out in LA
GersonK> Oh great, a blond a brunette, a cop, a black guy, a white dork, and a murderer, it's Gilligan's Island 2000
cthulhu> The Fountainhead II: Mall Madness!
BryanL> We don't believe you're the architect, so you can prove it by leading us out of here with your architect knowledge, and we'll believe you.
mgrasso> i think the inflatable raft is actually out-acting about 5/6 of the cast here
Ironf> Umm and what is the reason that all of us together can't write movies for Fox?
BryanL> We can spell, Iron.
mgrasso> ironf: we don't know how to perform fellatio on rupert murdoch
BryanL> So, the mystery's revealed 40 minutes in?
mgrasso> i'm.... um, shocked.
GersonK> Oh thnak the lord. Take over and kill kill kill
Ironf> He couldn't get a better weapon at the sporting goods store?
mgrasso> ok, so he randomly hugs members of his hostages
BryanL> So it's flooding, sinking, there's a killer, and it's a bomb. Got it.
mgrasso> how about "sinking gap with singer and spear gun trap bomb right yes hello."
cthulhu> What next... asteriod strike? Alien invasion! The Ice-EE machine breaks down.
BryanL> In Hong Kong, this is called Five Hard Bastards in a Sinking Mall.
KevinL> What is that, a high tech Super Soaker?
GersonK> woo-hoo, wet chicks and handcuffs, suddenly I'm liking this film
BryanL> And thus, the sherriff's wife's stupid plan horribly backfires.
mgrasso> this guy's got bon mot power.
Ironf> The mall is flooding cause the levy wouldn't hold
GersonK> He's a killer and a scuba diver - what a renaissance man
KevinL> So, why is the mall flooding, and who are these guys?
BryanL> The mall's flooding and sinking 'cause there's a flood, and it's about to blow up because of methane and power generators. A killer, a sherrif's wife, a singer, a manager, and a rentacop are trapped.
mgrasso> the all-england summarize fox competition.
BryanL> Hey, maybe this is that all-porn Tit-anic movie we were talking about, Kev.
ServoT> Is the black guy's wardrobe from Star Trek or a Scifi original series?
BryanL> Self-Contrived Underwater Bonehead Actors.
KevinL> So, when does Shelley Winters get chased by the swimming Aliens.
ServoT> Exploring ancient malls
GersonK> He's an escappe from Mission Genesis
Ironf> This is the homage to Lloyd Bridges, or so i heard
GersonK> Man, TLC is really going down the tubes
BryanL> So now that you're underwater, and his gun won't work, this is when you pop his fucking airhose, turn around, and go home.
mgrasso> by this time, my lungs were aching for coherence
cthulhu> Now as ve pentrate zee dephs of the deep mall vaters in search of underzee tray-sure.
BryanL> o/~ Don't go chasing water-malls... o/~
BryanL> So, the water's up to level two, except for the parts where the water's just below the ceiling of Level 1.
mgrasso> it was very smart of this week's special guest villain to take a spear gun
cthulhu> No wait! That's nitrous oxide from the Sears Dental!
BryanL> Hold on to your wet hats, it's going to be a bumpy night.
GersonK> Ok, so if Cross is underwater, where's Odenkirk?
cthulhu> Forgive me suitcase for I have sinned.
BryanL> Now they're ripping off Avalanche plot points.
cthulhu> In a Tarzan movie he'd be fighting a huge rubber crocodile.
KevinL> Somebody really needs to explain that gun to me.
Ironf> It's a double action harpoon gun Kev
BryanL> They got it from the sporting goods store, Kev. Everyone knows sporting goods stores sell spearguns.
Ironf> with laser sights
KevinL> You are, of course, shitting me.
cthulhu> By that time, my lungs were aching for Cinnebonn!
KevinL> Is that, or is that not, Rob Estes?
BryanL> That's Estes.
GersonK> of Estes Park, Colorado
cthulhu> or Estes Model Flying Rockets.
Ironf> I was hoping someone would have picked up on that earlier with the Silk Stalkings riff and all
KevinL> Sitting in that cold water, about how big do you think're Estes' Testes?
BryanL> So, the water's just.... stopped rising?
KevinL> Somebody ought to just jump him during the 4-minute maneuver he has to go through every time he wants to point that gun at someone.
BryanL> The future is Forsaken. Turbulence warning.
Spatch> Is that a skipole gun that Evil Macgyver guy's carrying?
ServoT> Oh, great, it's Daylight now
KevinL> He might have an easier time climbing that ladder if he didn't keep faking how hard it is.
cthulhu> Let me put the power to him... just a little nitro baby!
KevinL> If they're are no major arteries hit, just how is it that he's losing a lot of blood.
cthulhu> *Jake Blues*This mall has everything.*/Jake Blues*
BryanL> Why is she HELPING him? If he doesn't want antibiotics, don't give 'em to him.
KevinL> She's a Made-For-Fox-Action-Movie Doctor, Bryan. The first part of the Made-For-Fox-Action-Movie Hippocratic Oath says "First do nothing smart".
Spatch> how many mallwalker miles are they getting for this?
KevinL> That gun is just so lame. Anybody pointed that thing at me I'd just laugh my ass off.
mgrasso> i call laser sight abuse
Spatch> ugh, it's one of those annoying kids at the mall with the laser pointers.
BryanL> So, enough methane to explode after gunfire?
BryanL> It's not actually a speargun, it's an anal plunger gun. They're in New York.
mgrasso> the thing is, guys, i care SO MUCH about these characters!
BryanL> What kind of plan is that with the tarp over the head?
mgrasso> he's fighting the ravenous bugblatter beast of traal. if he can't see it, it can't see him
cthulhu> Then she turns into the T-1000 and tells him to 'get out."
BryanL> You can't fly now.... flying high now....
mgrasso> one thing i can say for this movie.... it's got twists.
KevinL> Granted, they're butt-stupid twists...
mgrasso> like a large intestine crammed with parasites
BryanL> So, I call crash into the mall, making it blow up.
Spatch> we're gonna tear the roof off the sucker!
mgrasso> so, two clown honks means the generators blows up?
GersonK> I'm just an ordinary guy, Blowing up the mall O\~
mgrasso> meanwhile, in minnesota, land of lakes
Spatch> we now tune into Bassmasters, already in progress.
GersonK> The warden knows a lot about watching backs
BryanL> And when I say "warden", I mean "the 70-year-old Peter Weller".
BryanL> Well. That sucked.
cthulhu> David L. Wolpar... BURN IN HELL!
mgrasso> really, really, i wish it could've gone on for two more hours

"This guy's covered with blood. But there's no wound."
"In geology, we call it Pines Basin."
"Trust you? We're in a
"Excuse me? Is anything open?"
"I'll eat the tax."
"Why don't you shut up!"
"You want me? Huh? You want me?"
"Strap yourself in, sheriff."
"She's... the sheriff's.... WIFE!"
"That bitch told them where we are!"
"An infection can kill you as easily as a bullet."
"My wife is in there, warden, now that makes me a very dangerous man, too"
"You bitch! I bet you didn't think you'd be in a helicopter with me, did you?"

ServoT> He should have caught on to that "Sherry Readmorecards'n'books" ruse
Ironf> Robin K&BToys
GersonK> Marsha TGIFRidays
BryanL> Timothy B. Daltons.
Ironf> Rosanne Glamourshots
GersonK> Ray D.O. Shack
ServoT> Sherry Saksfifthavenue....
GersonK> Pearl Optical
mgrasso> Orange Julius
cthulhu> Gloria Jeans.
GersonK> Bob Sbigandtallmensshop
Spencer> J.C. Penney
Ironf> Mr. Bulkies
GersonK> Billy Barnes&Barners&Nobles
GersonK> Fay O'Schwartz
BryanL> Mary Goround
mgrasso> T.H.E. Gap
Ironf> Bob's Porno Shack, uhhhhhh nevermind
GersonK> J.L. Warnersbrothersstudiostore
Spatch> General Cinemas (22nd Calvary, Death From Above)
KevinL> Jay Riggings
BryanL> Ed E. Bauer
GersonK> S. Harper Image Bellafonte
cthulhu> C. Hess King.
KevinL> W. Aldenbooks
KevinL> A. Nybodycandothis
GersonK> Greg Onepotatotwopotato
mgrasso> Man Chu Wok
mgrasso> or, S. Barro.
ServoT> Frank N. Stein of course
BryanL> R. Bees
KevinL> The Mask of Sbarro.
ServoT> Sherry Petsmart
cthulhu> Fud Ruckers.
BryanL> Jimmy Fourthfloorcashmachine
mgrasso> Wicks N. things
GersonK> Bill Wackama (it's a real mall store)
GersonK> oh yeah, Hannibal Lechters
GersonK> Ken Tuckyfriedchicken


Mall Directory

103: Starbucks
106: Psychotic escaped convicts
112: Annoying ineffectual rent-a-cops (sideburns extra)
123: Starbucks
201: Whiny mall singers and gay British managers
203: The Gap
205: Starbucks
210: Inexplicable briefcase full of 100's
211: Plot Contrivance Superstore
213: CB radios, spearguns
214: Starbucks
223: Leathery Architects, Inc.
230: Methane Gas
231: The Raft Store
301: Starbucks
304: The Sedative Shack: Your Source for Calming Injections
309: Food Court (includes Starbucks)

Screaming babies, teenage DiCaprio fans, strange murmuring old people, the mall is no place for an mgrasso