x172 METEORITES! (9/19/98)

Produced by Brian (BMX Bandits) Burgess and Jennifer (She Led Two Lives) Davis

For my science project, I watched "Meteorites!" on the Sci-Fi Channel because I thought Doogie Howser was in it. He wasn't. The movie shows a town named Leroy where people help each other with sex and robbery and stuff. They are holding a U.F.O. festival so that aliens would return from space and probe their wazoos. All except Tom Wopat...who looks like he hurt himself while climbing out of a car window. When a trailer home gets blown up by a falling rock, he gets real worried. He asks the advice of Filbo, a wise kind of geezer who talks to soup and dances around his telescope. Filbo discovers that the rock came from a wicked space comet named Shoepan who throws things when no one is looking. Filbo is sure Shoepan has plenty of rocks left. He and Wopat try to warn the town. Everybody laughs at them. Well, it sure looked like Filbo and Wopat won't have fun at the U.F.O. Festival. Luckily, the rocks begin dropping again and several people get knocked right to Pluto. To show they are not afraid of the falling rocks, folks scrunch together inside their Winnabagos. They drive to the Casscassidy Mine, where the good rocks offer them shelter from the mean ones in the sky. Shoepan finally runs out of rocks and people go home. I saw the only the house in town that wasn't wrecked so it was a happy ending.

For my English project, I read "Catcher In The Rye" because I thought it was about baseball. It wasn't.

Bice> The entire movie is going to be introduction of new characters followed by them getting killed by meteorites five seconds later.
icenine> Tom Wopat IS "Mr. Mom"
Bice> Ah, he hasn't had his first period yet. Oh, wait...
Ladyrees> He hasn't reached menarche? Thanks for sharin' guy.
GersonK> The empty soul of a househusband. *sniff*
Ironf> It is his gift, it is his curse, Rees
GersonK> I wish I lived somewhere where buying a cop off was as simple as scrambled eggs
GersonK> Did he just grind salt?
icenine> It's bad bad, Leroy town baddest town in the whole damn...town?
Balthayzr> Dorf on Disasters.
Ladyrees> When did the Hanson boys get implants and start doing scifi originals?
BryanL> Already, the subplots start piling up like jackknifed trailers.
Ironf> That's what i like about Scifi, all sub plots dumped on you in the first 10 mins, or your money back
Balthayzr> What, is the crew hissing the movie?
Plummz> Casting by Rent-a-Gibson.
icenine> Defuse blondes?
Bice> The sheriff's got a perma-grimace face.
Balthayzr> Let me get this straight. The first one was a scout for the other rocks?
icenine> SMOOCHERS!
Ladyrees> Why don't we do it in the glacial scar?
BryanL> It's the I Got You Babe Carousel!
Plummz> Batboy ate ratboy, sorry.
Balthayzr> Oh, good. Carnival people AND UFO nuts. Come on, meteors!!!
Ironf> I only fear two things. Nukes......and carnies.
Plummz> 'I forgot how to smile ever since the Vance/Coy *incident*.'
Bice> Hi, I'm looking for Rocky Racoon.
GersonK> Doogie Howser?
BryanL> Tell me that's not Doogie.
GersonK> Sadly, that's not Doogie, but a remarkable simulation
Balthayzr> And Wombat, wearing a fluffy shirt, forgets to suck in his gut.
icenine> Apparently Tom don't exit thru the window anymore
Balthayzr> Tom Wombat IS William Shatner in Kingdom of the Meteorites!!
GersonK> Of course you grew up in Leroy? who'd move there?
BryanL> No, Tom, climb out the window! Wuss.
Balthayzr> Well, you like stars.....guess shooting at my kid is OK.
BryanL> Miss.... U.F.O..... contest. Where are the fucking rocks again?
Balthayzr goes into space and begins herding the rocks.
Ladyrees orders up a big vat of pig's blood in case the rocks don't make it in time.
Ironf> Tom has trouble sleeping at night because he always thinks there's a basset hound out to get him
BryanL> Tom? Maybe now's not the best time for backstory.
THX-1138> It's my fault that baseball card trade went bad!
BryanL> Make a wish... ah, damn. Movie's still on.
Ladyrees> That, my friend, is Elvis asking what you've done for him lately.
BryanL> Only Tom Wopat, after staring at a meteor shower for an hour, could see a meteor strike the earth and ask, "What the hell was that?"
THX-1138> It must have been Mark McGuire's baseball.
Q> oops - i have sinned against the clan of hazard
Ladyrees> The world is ending! Let's have a carnival! They must all be Catholic.
Q> i shall now say ten "yee-haws!" in penetence
Plummz> but my family did not find the deputy!
Ironf> It was a still that blew up. Trust me
BEMaven> Shoepan Comet?
Q> so, issac asimov is a cajun?
Ironf> Chopin Comet?
THX-1138> I had Shu-Pan for dinner
Ladyrees> Wait a minute! It's a big rock!
BryanL> No, it's just that family's granpa's gall stone.
Bice: She shakes her boobs in celebration.
Ladyrees> Her boobs have their own pacemaker, Bice.
Bice> Her boobs are on a fault line.
BEMaven> There...Sex. Everyone happy now?
icenine> If they arm wrestle for it, he'll be a virgin forever
BryanL> Meteorites has been brought to you by OurFirstTime.com.
Balthayzr> Should I be frightened by the banjo music on the soundtrack while they discussed sex?
BryanL> Say, isn't he the discoverer of the Snuffy Smith-Levy Comet?
Balthayzr> Appears to be Giant turtle scat.
Q> oh good, we get to watch her nails dry. action at last!
Plummz> Marcia is ALWAYS Miss UFO! It's not fair! BEMaven> Philbo? His name is Philbo?
BryanL> "Multiple hits in a small area". That's what her son's planning, too.
Plummz> Tom Wopat, Cosmologist.
Ladyrees> Damn...that's a big vagina
BryanL> That's what gynecologists call a "Walk-In Vagina", 'rees.
Plummz> The Prince Charles Memorial Crater.
Ladyrees> it's a spacious three step ranch vagina with an attached 2 car garage
Balthayzr> Is it an assumable mortgage, Dung?
icenine> Hey, how'd it flip over? There was no other car to drive into!
Bice> ice -- The meteors built a ramp
Plummz> Boy these two like rough "parking" ifyaknowhatimean.
BryanL> I hope these two have had THEIR little sex talk over lunch, too.
BEMaven> The whole town's excited for Renee... ifyouknowwhatImean.
Balthayzr> Wanna bet those condoms have been in that drawer since the Smurfs were on Network TV?
Bice> Which one is the guy again?
Q> ew god, i sense more pimple sex coming
BryanL> Um, movie? Rock? Please?
Ironf> Oooh Navy Seals
lando5> *fweet* Ironf...two minutes for a CLERKS ref.
icenine> Coitus Burglaruptus!
Ladyrees> bring me a cell phone, pacemaker patients be damned!
Plummz> Cinch the wound with his ponytail.
Q> hmm - cajun telescope dancing. interesting
icenine> Hmm, do meteorites have backsides? Oh well, better do a jig.
Ironf> There's a man on the wing of the meteorite!
THX-1138> Princess Di commerative coins!
Q> ooooh - a whole tray full of chuck-e-cheese tokens!
Balthayzr> I think these are all the people who didn't get callbacks for the "Giant Spider Invasion".
BryanL> All I know is that every minute I spend watching this movie is one more minute I risk seeing those two pimple farms consummate their relationship.
Ladyrees> This carnival needs a pie eating contest
Ironf> And a fat kid, rees
Q> rees -- indeed. one a la Stand By Me would be good
THX-1138> He just likes slapping on the latex
BEMaven> Rubber gloves are never enough protection...Try Ramses.
BryanL> No, but they'll keep him from getting meteor herpes.
Q> does anyone else find it odd that a square-strip band-aid seems to cure gunshot wounds in this movie?
Balthayzr> And, in the Grand Tradition of our town, the Miss Teen UFO winner becomes a giant Pinata for Space rocks!!
Q> make a wish! make a wish! make a wish! make a - urk!
Balthayzr> Is this a random meteor storm, or can we make requests?
BryanL> Note to filmmakers. Burning carousels are NOT poignant.
THX-1138> She's only 10 feet off the ground!
Ladyrees> Dad, I can't. My tiara is a skew.
BEMaven> she can't count to three?
icenine> Dammit are you Miss UFO or not? You can do it!!
Balthayzr> "This was supposed to be in and out."
icenine> You know that's what the kids were thinkng too
lando5> The meteorites are coming from INSIDE the house!
THX-1138> Isn't the the RV from Renegade?
Balthayzr> See? RV's attract Evil!
icenine> Meanwhile at Titanic Hospital...
BryanL> Those two really need to get to a hospital... oh. Damn.
BryanL> Tom'll lift it. He's got the strength of TWO hysterical nurses.
Ironf> Quit jacking around and get to it, Tom
BEMaven> Anyone ever see a car's jack that actually worked fast?
Q> okay, so far this guy's been shot, crushed by a building and been given a bad henna job by falling dust. this movie is tough on its token minorities
MrBooze> Should he let a therapeutic masseuse diagnose his injuries?
lando5> Isn't it common for a movie to have characters the audience is supposed to root FOR?
BryanL> None of the movies WE watch, David.
Balthayzr> Plane-arium?
Q> why are there pizzas on the wall back there?
BEMaven> Plotzo Planetarium?
MrBooze> When did Drew Cary get placed in charge of FEMA?
BEMaven> Shoe-Pam Comet?...Plotzo Planetarium?...Was Dr. Suess an astronomer?
Q> what a masterful catch phrase. forget "be afraid, be very afraid" or "gimme back my son!!!"...folks, we now have "it's gonna get worse!"
BEMaven> i forgot about Philbo the Astronomer. Think he'll like green eggs and ham?
Balthayzr> "I will not eat them in a box. I will not eat them with falling rocks!!"
Balthayzr> "I will not eat them out-of-doors! I will not eat them with Meteors!"
Ladyrees> someone slap Balth, eh?
Balthayzr> Hear that, rees? help is on the way!!!
icenine> Help? You mean like a guy with a really big umbrella?
Balthayzr> Or Andre the Giant with a Tennis racket?
Ladyrees> Somehow, I think they think help means Waylan Jennings
Balthayzr> Yep, an RV full of Propane and 2 gas tanks sounds safe to me.
Ironf> all they have to do is get out really tiny umbrellas and a sign that says 'Help'. They will get hit, but end up just black and like an acordian
icenine> Good thing they were all towing jeeps and trucks
BEMaven> Foolish of them to leave the jet transports behind, though.
lando5> And they come across Jan-Michael Vincent in the desert, and then Airwolf swoops down out of the sky and blows them all up. And nobody lived happily ever after. The end.
Ironf> They need a fairy to dissolve the keystone
Balthayzr> Uh, the solution is MORE explosions?
MrBooze> YES! These burning snakes will save us!
BEMaven> fireworks that blow tons of rock away...only in America.
Balthayzr> When in doubt, drive yer car into it. Everything I know I learned from The Giant Gila Monster.
Plummz> I can scream "Yee-haaaaaaaa!!!" better than you, Dad Wopat.
MrBooze> Why is he backing into it?
Balthayzr> Meteor in the Corner Wombat!!
Plummz> Explosion. Looks like the Dixie Mafia has struck again.
MrBooze> He approached his death as he did his life -- with his ass first
Q> good thing his explosion-proof hair gel worked
Balthayzr> It always smells so fresh after a meteor shower.
Q> thanks for the jungian rebirth symbolism, movie
BEMaven> ...and they all get eaten by the Boogens. The End.
icenine> Look ! The Statue of Liberty's head!
Ironf> I saw a boom mike in the corner
Balthayzr> Mayor Wombat? Can I ask for the rocks back?
BEMaven> I rather see Tom as the new Miss UFO.
THX-1138> And the last, biggest meteor crashes on them
BEMaven> ...and now, the Earthquake.
MrBooze> And suddenly they're hit by a flash flood.
BEMaven> ...and then the killer bees come.
Balthayzr> It's Rodan!!!!!!
Q> There go the langoliers
BEMaven> ...and there'll be frogs...and locusts....Muwahahaha!
THX-1138> And an engine falls off the plane crushing them all.

"Thanks, Tom. My belly's growling."
"Anyone hurt?...Yeah, the whole family was killed."
"Not that I reckon."
"Helllllo...I grew up in Leroy."
"You wouldn't like being my cellmate."
"He scared the shivers out of us, Mom!"
"He'll be as jealous as an ugly girl at a sockhop."
"And here's Leroy...Bump...Bump...Bump."
"This weekend is not about reality. We'll get back to that soon enough."

As the Grinch would say, a good cast deserves a second mention...

And let's not forget...

While HGamers are accustomed to looking down the gall-speckled throat of inane cinema without blinking, the Sci-Fi airing of "Meteorites!" proved especially jarring for the group. Several souls were briefly whisked from the realm of the absurd straight into the domain of the paranormal. There were indications of a pan-dimensional breach in the space/time continuum, giving participants a fleeting glimpse into alternate universes...

icenine> Blade---Starring Grace Jones
Balthayzr> Captain, my scanners are detecting an extreme lack of Phone Sex and Psychic Commercials.
icenine> What if Tom Wopat could be in every movie ever made? Be careful what you wish for...Welcome to Paradox!
Q> is anyone else getting a car commercial with constipated chimpanzee vocals?

Several HGamers also described a world where the comedic team of W. Allen and S. Stallone channeled their routine through insects...

Balthayzr> Gee, nice to see Woody Allen and Sly working together, again.
MrBooze> Is that *really* Woody Allen???
icenine> Stop, or My Therapist Will Shoot!
BEMaven> It's Woody Allen...at actual size.

Most alarming of all were the reports regarding a cult of faceless humans who worshipped electric razors capable of procreation...

BryanL> Am I the only one who finds the correlation of VMI and the ejaculating razor disturbing, by the way?
Bice> You folks must be getting different commercials than I am...
Q> me too, bice -- i fail to see ejaculating razors either
Q> bry: you know, razor spoo is considered a powerful aphrodeziak in some countries
Balthayzr> I have all of Razor Spoo's albums.

Transcripts of these paranormal events were forwarded to the United Nations Intelligence Task Force. Brigadier Commander Hacksaw Jim Duggan promised a full, official inquiry.

BEMaven dreams of slow dancing with Jodie Foster around the Very Large Array.