x39 MOONBASE (12/6/97)

Director: Paolo Mazzucato
Scribbled by: Paolo Mazzucato and his droogs
Producer: See Guyver II

From the start, this mass of celluloid fails with its implausible premise - the earth is free of pollution and crime thanks to the giant dump/penal colony that is the moon. Give us a break, we've heard of sci-fi, but everyone knows exploring the moon is a good million years off. Besides, there's no way your gonna build a solid foundation on green cheese. If you're willing to get over these problems, then you'll encounter even more which is why you're better off turning to Adam and Eve or the Spice Channel. So, anyway, a group of prisoners manage to escape to a garbage dump only to run into a couple garbage men who give performances on par with Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen in Men At Work. The only real positive of this Sci-Fi Original is it had some shaking of that wammy fanny. Teri Hatcher's doppelganger and Oscar the Grouch make guest appearances as more unlikable characters.

THX-1138> The penal colony looks like breasts?
BryanL> Filmed in Peephole Vision.
moon04.jpg cthulhu> The secret Surge testing labs.
bowleg> that's not a real security guard. He's not bloated, bearded, and perusing porn.
KevinL> Cause the 4 Horsemen don't take American Express.
BryanL> The Moonbase has a discharge. Ew.
Ironf> I think we are watching the "discharge"
Djenk1> You know, that guy is porlly in danger of a heart attack if he combs his hair to vigorously
bowleg> I'm afraid I can't do that, load.
Balthayzr> Thanks for the Fat Guy Crotch scene.
Ironf> That was a big area.
Q> you know, they just don't show enough of fat guys' areas in movies anymore
THX-1138> The magic of forced perspective.
Balthayzr> It's a beeper and a O2 measuring device of the FUTURE!
Djenk1> rice cakes OF THE FUTURE
Balthayzr> Everyone here has either bad hair or is balding. Coincedence?
BryanL> Yeah, that's 1/6 G.
Djenk1> Play by play waste disposal
Balthayzr> So, evac suits can double as space suits?
BryanL> R-Zone. It's a bunch of old crappy LCD games, I guess.
Q> do you believe they put these men on the moon. men on the moon? do you believe there's nothing up their sleeve?
moon07.jpg lando5`> John, just shut the hell up and bend over when we tell you to...
Jamie> What's with the coffeehouse? Is this Friends 2099?
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, on the set of "Bombshell"
KevinL> His goatee is hip '90's retro.
THX-1138> Hot mom stripping action.
cthulhu> He should log off the Oedopis VR chat room.
* Balthayzr tosses cookies.
Djenk1> No one needs to see this....Freud wouldn't need to see this
Balthayzr> The Tell-Tale Heart of the FUTURE!
KevinL> So, this would be the Dark Side of the moon we hear so much about?
AndrewP> Freeze-dried weed!
Balthayzr> Gathering of characters around table ala Alien - check.....
Q> so someone tell me here - so far we've seen some guys talking in a room, some guys talking in another room, some guys talking in a corridor, and some guys talking on the moon? have i missed anything?
cthulhu> So terrorists take time out of their busy scedule to play with new age crystals?
Balthayzr> Heroes and villians color-coded for convienience.
nicklby> when did rosie Perez enter the movie?
Q> hey movie, could we have more scenes of people talking in a room? really. please? i just can't get enough of it. really!
moon14.jpg KevinL> That gun is a combination rifle/shotgun/grenade launcher/bazooka and in the event of a water landing, can be used to shoot someone and take his floatation device.
Balthayzr> Yes, it's time for more shooting in a sealed environment!!
nicklby> you know, this scene works because you care about the characters as individuals
cthulhu> Weapons courtesy of the S:AaB/Starship Troopers Block Garage Sale.
* Balthayzr checks the movie's Cliff Notes. They don't help.
Ironf> That is one girly jog.
Balthayzr> Meter Readers of the FUTURE!
Merlynn> Lego moonbase,you build it.
Q> you know what, guys? i could just watch these people talk in rooms all day. really. i could just watch it over and over and OVER and OVER and OVER again and NEVER get tired of it! ever! heeeeeheeeeeeHEEEEEEEE.....
Q> why are they playing the elevator music version of "closer" in the background?
bowleg> You bring me cloooser to boreeedom...
Ironf> "You get me closer to numb"
bowleg> I want to bore you from the inside-out...
THX-1138> He's got the Alien Clock from Spencer's.
BryanL> I wonder if there are "'shippers" for Moonbase? Like for X-Files?
Balthayzr> "Sweep the Site! Find Soledad Obrian!"
moon15.jpg BryanL> It took them THIS long to get around to the whole "killing them off one by one" schtick. Man, this is lame.
lando5`> okay...Hans Gruber in Space...we have DIE HARD rip-off!!
THX-1138> Illya Kuryakin IS Hans Gruber
Ironf> John Tesh was a Klingon and his name was K'Tesh.
Balthayzr> Why are they using a Lite-Brite as a security panel?
Ironf> It's good to see that Nakita Kollaff can get a job as hired help.
AndrewP> Whooo! X-treme decomprssion!
Balthayzr> OK, what did we learn?
lando5`> We learned "THE END" is a gift from the Maker!
BryanL> I learned that a two-month moratorium on SFC originals isn't anywhere near enough.
cthulhu> I learned that holographic porn can actually be useful.
Ironf> I learned that the byline for all Sci-Fi originals is "Yeahm you know it's gonna suck, but hey, you like to look at car wrecks."
Balthayzr> I learned there are no other colors besides black and blue.
moon16.jpg AndrewP> I learned that movies ccan end without any explination at all.
cthulhu> I learned that sleep depervation effects riffing powers.
Q> i learned that if it's a scifi original movie, there will be rooms, and people will talk in them
Ironf> I learned NAM was for dolts.

"Leave my mother out of your jokes!"
"I spent three years doing this monkey work..."
"Hey hey hey! Be good to your suit!"
"I could shot-putt your mama"
"Kiss my lunar butt!"
"What's it going to be sugar... hips... or lips?"
"There once was a girl from Uranus..." "Shut up!"
"I have a brain. It's about a foot and a half above my breasts, if you're interested...."
"You never mean nothing where you say something"
"Take the same crap at exactly the same time.. day after day"
"I say let's blow this rock!"

This projectile vomit by THX-1138.