x106 THE MUMMY (4/10/98)

Directed by Terence "Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell" Fisher
Written by Jimmy "X the Unknown" Sangster
Produced by Michael "Moon Zero Two" Carreras, Anthony Nelson "Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed!" Keys

There have been countless films made which center around the fabled mummies of ancient Egypt, but none have been more true to life than 1959's The Mummy. The story begins when three British archeologists discover the grave of a 400 year old Egyptian female priest. The British archeologists quickly realize they've stumbled onto a looker, with her rank smell, wrinkled parchment-like skin, and bad teeth. Deciding to put their discovery to full use, the trio decides to share her. The wackiness starts when Peter Cushing's character Banning, decides to take her to a high society banquet. In scenes later to be stolen by Weekend at Bernie's, we thrill to the excitment of Banning making with the funny. In one genius scene, Banning uses a napkin holder and a cigar to fool party-goers that the Egyptian priestess is having an orgasm. When Banning's new date becomes the talk of the town, the other two archeologists get jealous and plot their revenge by calling upon the power of the Mummy. Using secret freemason incantations, they bring the Mummy, portrayed effortlessly by Christopher Lee, to life. Unbeknownst to the two archeologists, Banning has already entered into contract with the Mummy, giving him exclusive rights to all things Mummy. In the end, they all realize the error in their ways and get down to some hard-core necrophilia. This moral tale of greed and jealousy was the first back door pilot in British history, turing into the short lived sit-com Die Mummy Fucker.

Mummy05.JPG Ironf> If it's not Hammer, it's not camp.
Bice> They can't tell a mummy from a hole in the ground.
BillBear> My head is a button! Press me!
BillBear> Yes, "Conac" the all-powerful god of the egyptians.
Bice> wring chan - ancient Chinese secret.
Bice> The dull Indiana Jones Chronicles.
dungarees> Ironf is a bigfatbitch he's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
BillBear> We're frankly completely unsure what condition his condition is in.
BillBear> When did this become Wuthering Heights?
BillBear> It hates us for being british and stuff.
BillBear> Meanwhile, in "Hang em High"
Bice> Well, I'm on the edge of my seat after that scene. 'cause I can't reach the pizza when I sit back.
Ironf> So now a western then.
BillBear> So a fat drunk man is being harrangued by a leprechaun.
Bice> Two instantly unlikeable characters.
Ironf> The English Laurel and Hardy
Bice> David Spade and Chris Farley's first roles.
Ironf> It's sad to see the old lose thier mind and start yelling for thier mummy.
Bice> Ramses, Trojen, Sheik!
Djenk> I bukati, she bukatis, webukati
Bice> So, how's the mudbath going, Sir?
Mummy07.JPG Djenk> If that was what he was like in all his strength and beauty....I think a makeover is in order...
Ironf> So they beat out Star Trek, what 45-50 years on the mud creature thing?
BillBear> Ah, so they get to have the mummy covered in mud so it doesn't look like the typical white rags creature.
Bice> A beachball! I mean, Donald Pleasence!
BillBear> Lost scenes from Casablanca
Djenk> And now, I must go and bore someone else with my monotone
Ironf> We shave each other
Bice> The legend of Curly's Gold? No, I'm not familiar with it.
Ironf> Now a scene from Heston's "The Bible"
Bice> He's directing aircraft while performing the ceremony.
BillBear> Man, just pull her brains out and get it over with!
Djenk> Thou art better than "Cats", We shall bury thee again and again
valeyard7> Boy George goes Las Vegas!
BillBear> Is that Whoopi Goldberg in the background?
Djenk> Not a very exciting Rose Bowl Parade...
Bice> An Ankh and a meat tenderizer. Interesting symbols.
Bice> Pull my Ankh!
Bice> Violating and regaining entry - he could be arrested for that.
BillBear> Then he violated the princess. Then he violated the cows that brought her. He was a real freak.
Mummy08.JPG Ironf> And his name was Rick James.
BillBear> So when do the big aliens come and leave the fifth element?
BillBear> Ah, Goldfinger got her!
BillBear> So...the ancient egyptians read the scroll in english, but the modern day egyptians read it in ancient egyptian?
Bice> "And could you give her a tummy tuck and lift the breasts while you're at it?"
Ironf> You know what this is missing, James Earl Jones.
Bice> This movie's about 75% backstory.
SirDude> And 25% no story.
BillBear> Underwear used to be much more modest than it is today.
SirDude> So egyptians closed door REEEEEEEALY slow.
Ironf> Well we also found this giant circular thing, but I think it's crap.
Djenk> And since I'm a fairy myself....uh...never mind
Ironf> The mighty Oz takes a break.
Bice> Keep off the Moors!
Djenk> Something already did when you walked in, stinky
BillBear> Gosh, there's a monster on the screen, it's killing a guy, and still the director manages to purge all tension from the scene.
Ironf> That mummy was carrying a load, and I don't mean in his arms, either.
Ironf> I hit him 6 TIMES, 6 TIMES!
Mummy10.JPG valeyard7> You know us police never believe the hero until it is too late, now what good would it do to start changing that
BillBear> He is a scientist. Why doesn't he just declare martial law?
valeyard7> Is he in trouble that scroll is overdue at the library about 3,000 years
SirDude> Watch... MST3K.
BillBear> Watch...the last episode of Seinfeld
Djenk> Watch...the last of my credibility as an actor fade
BillBear> Peter Cushing, poster boy for pinch-faced ferrets
BillBear> Why dom women in horror movies always look exactly like ancient princesses or queens or witches...didn't they have cooks and chambermaids in ancient times?
Ironf> No bear they didn't. And anyone that tells you different is a damn liar.
BillBear> He's made of liquid paper!
Djenk> And again with the illegal choke hold!
Ironf> Good to see they used plenty of starch in all the right places, ifyaknow whatImean.
BillBear> The mummy's stomping around his apartment now saying "Stupid! Stupid! Why didn't I just ask for her phone number?"
Djenk> He didn't happen to be strangled by a mummy, was he? Not that i'd know of such things...
Ironf> o/~ How do ya solve a problem like Maria o/~
Ironf> Carnac looks a lot like Brak.
valeyard7> He's going to hit him on the nose with a rolled up scroll
Ironf> If it bleeds, we can kill it.
SirDude> The drunk desecrated the holy liqour bottle.
Djenk> Quoth the raven" This film, nevermore"
Ironf> Yo quiero taco belllll *glub*
BillBear> Ah, well, I can hardly contain my terrror.
Mummy11.JPG SirDude> And the mummy's bandages get washed off, he turns out to be the creature from the black lagoon and goes on a rampage.
Djenk> The textbook definition of "anti-climactic", ladies and gentlemen
Djenk> I learned that the booty call of the undead is not to be trifled with
SirDude> I learned that all archeologist will one day be killed by a mummy.
Djenk> I learned that the Great Carnac was more than a repetitive sketch on Carson

"Don't ever touch the sacred scroll again!"
"Everything the mummy's hand touches dies."
"It looks old."
"Where did you hide the bottle?!"

THX-1138 is sick of mummy jokes.