x168 NAKED JUNGLE (9/5/98)

Written by Ranald "Cleopatra" MacDougall
Produced by George "not your" Pal
Directed by Byron "Kapitšn Sindbad" Haskin

We've had ants on the Home Game before. We've also had Charlton. But both at once? Yowza. The Naked Jungle is not, as I initially thought, a 50s juvenile delinquent movie, nor is it a blaxploitation porno from the 70s. Instead, we get an idea of the kind of work that Charlton was doing to pay the rent before The Ten Commandments. Meet Mr. Leiningen, our hero. Plantation-owner, colonalist, proud owner of a mail-order bride, and white, white, white, he's the kind of man that Charlton made his name playing. But the natives are only to be oppressed; Charlton gets to flex his violent gene when the ANTS come a-calling. Of course, this is so far into the film that we can't be bothered to care. William Conrad breaks all his previous typecasting by playing the Loathsome Oily Guy. Look for a young Woody Allen playing Ant #2,386,094,621.

Balthayzr> Oh, it's a Pal movie!
eisenhower> ANTS!
Balthayzr> AMC? You can stop restoring films, now. I think we have quite enough.
*** Bozarth (PadBoy51@qy-as53-95.adams.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
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THX-1138> I'd love to thank Bozarth for that warm welcome
Balthayzr> And now, Jungle Drums for no reason!!
Brautigan> I can see my hut from here
Balthayzr> Moldy Font?
eisenhower> OH NO! Are we going to see a nekkid doughy elderly Johnny Weismuller?
Ironf> Remember, this came out the same year as THEM
BryanL> Diagonal credits were big way back when, weren't they.
THX-1138> The Naked Jungle title is one of the few objects able to be seen from space.
eisenhower> Ah, those Saul bass intro sequences. Perfect.
Balthayzr> And we have Generic AWK-AWK bird sign.
eisenhower> Loyal Griggs? The heck kinda name is "Loyal Griggs"?
Balthayzr> Produced by the King of Puppetoons!!
ServoT> The swingin' 01's
Brautigan> 1901 Font Gum Co.
eisenhower> Bird in the air. How did it get there.
BryanL> 1901. All the computers are crashing again.
Ironf> I hear Chuck's teeth are fake and he smuggles coke in them
ServoT> The good ship MURDER-Pop
eisenhower> Wow, that moustache must require a license.
Balthayzr> I wondered what happened to the Frito Bandito.
eisenhower> This role was MADE for Nestor Paiva.
Balthayzr> This version of "Anaconda" sucks royally.
THX-1138> Damn russian mail order brides.
Ironf> Ed Leslie in a cameo
BryanL> Nothing like an arranged marraige for added plot complications.
BEMaven> will Chuck be able to tell which one is his bride?
BryanL> That's one pithy helmet he's got.
Balthayzr> Next time, on Rocky and bullwinkle, Charles Heston tries to get our boys to join the NRA!!!
* eisenhower wants to marry one of these moustaches by proxie
BryanL> Hey, it's a banana boat! Tally me banana!
Balthayzr> So, it's a Mustache-and-googly-eyes contest you want....
BryanL> That belt's the only thing keeping his gut from capsizing the boat.
eisenhower> Would someone please stab Mickey Hart in the back now?
BEMaven> She'll mesmerize them with that white parasol.
BryanL> And now, a very special episode of "Jungle 2 Jungle".
Balthayzr> So, this is the Oily-T-Zone tribe?
Brautigan> I'm Senior Swarthy
Ironf> Geeez that's a large nose
eisenhower> interesting nose.
Plummengen> He barely got the part. WOn it by a nose.
Balthayzr> It looks like Picard playing Cyrano.
THX-1138> In the background a high Dennis Hopper runs around taking photos.
BryanL> Four minutes in, and we've got child slavery. Cool.
Balthayzr> "I went to the deepest,darkest Africa, and all I got was an Oily Boy."
BryanL> Five minutes in, rear projection.
eisenhower> wow, matte shots and rear projection.
Plummengen> I actually read and enjoyed this short story in English class in like 8th grade.
Ironf> Same here plummo
eisenhower> Then again, you were strung out on goofballs, jamie.
Ironf> same here once again
Plummengen> Yeah, I was sniffing coke off a naked Drew barrymore at summer camp.
BryanL> This better not be a musical.
BryanL> If this is a musical, you all die.
BEMaven> One Oompa Loompla shows up and I'll vommit.
BryanL> She's got no legs! She's a Vorlon!
Ironf> Chuck don't do no singing except with a full automatic
Balthayzr> And a tribe of Shemp Howards bring in her luggage.
BryanL> Maybe they should hire servants who don't scurry constantly.
Ironf> She wants to be that fey hairdresser that's on all the talkshows
BryanL> Still, kind of ironic. When she finally meets her husband, SHE'll be the one yelling "get yer paws off me, you damn, dirty ape".
Balthayzr> Look, Roy Rogers is here scouting resturant locations.
eisenhower> Ladies and gentlemen, THE OMEGA MAN!
Brautigan> c'mon ants!
BryanL> Chuck's got that unique body language.
Plummengen> It was really bold of Chuck to come out in this movie.
eisenhower> Are they laughing at my neckerchief again?
Balthayzr> Chuck - Master of the Stomp and Pause school of acting.
BryanL> So, it's not so much a naked jungle as it is a Neckerchief Jungle.
THX-1138> I'm ready for my loving Mr heston.
eisenhower> Oh, the stained armpits are so erotic.
Plummengen> I missed a few secs at the beginning. Is she mail-order, pen pal, arranged, or wha?
BEMaven> she's a temp from Manpower.
BryanL> Man, Chuck's pit stains could make the Sahara fertile.
Balthayzr> So, someone told Chuck this was a Gay Western?
Plummengen> All of Hollywood was a Gay western at that point, Balth.
BryanL> Chuck's just so... Safari Ken.
eisenhower> Apparently. He's trying out for a part in "lonesome cowboys" I think.
BryanL> I'm only going to ask this once. Where. The fuck. Are the stinking. ANTS???!!!
BryanL> This is Precious Roy! Buy my new Chicken Lizard! SUCKERS!
eisenhower> Can chuck be a little more unappealing?
Balthayzr> This guy looks like he tried out for the villian in 3 Musketeers, and barely lost.
eisenhower> START AGAIN!
BryanL> Don't mind him, he's from Barcelona.
eisenhower> Ah, a little reefer and your music sounds great.
BEMaven> ...the Varsity Rag?
Plummengen> This is good, madam? From the new Backstreet Boys album, is it?
Balthayzr> And, a mouse comes out of the piano and tosses a stick of dynamite at her.
Ironf> The little oily boy just used those cigars, if you know what I mean
eisenhower> Thanks, Ironf. Much appreciated.
THX-1138> Honey, would you mind erotically dancing with this cigar for me?
BryanL> I give it a 98. It's got a good beat and you can whip a native to it.
eisenhower> God, his dialogue is straight out of Beckett.
Plummengen> And hand me that wastebasket. The Secret Service guy can empty it later.
Ironf> Chuck, more than his teeth are wooden
BryanL> And her piano playing is straight out of Compton.
Balthayzr> Thrill as Chuck Orders Coffee!!
BryanL> Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed Chuck.
Balthayzr> Look, you can see his matchbook collection back there.
eisenhower> OH NO! She's not a VIRGIN! SHOCKING!
Balthayzr> Oops, used merchandise. Did he get a discount?
BEMaven> Chuck ordered a virgin, dammit.
BryanL> I hate when i order a virgin from L.L. Bean and the order gets mixed up.
* Balthayzr turns movie upside down and shakes it, looking for ants.
eisenhower> I'd like to recall the wise words of Bryan Lambert by paraphrasing and saying "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE ANTS?!?!?!"
Ironf> "He was very gay..."
Plummengen> My brother sent me a fag hag??!!!
Balthayzr> In other words, she wandered off the set of the Birdcage.
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what the Republicans want us to go back to.
THX-1138> That would mean what, Chuck's character is still a virgin then?
BEMaven> They even laughed when he appeared on the river in a basket.
Plummengen> Madam, I will now play this virgin piano with my penis to prove my point.
BryanL> They're NEVER gonna summon Mothra at this rate.
BEMaven> What's Chuck's problem? Did the volcano get all the good virgins?
Balthayzr> Boy, these mass Scientology weddings get more elaborate every year.
Ironf> That's right folks this new blowgun never needs cleaning and it 38% more effective all for 3 rocks and a bit of bark
Brautigan> The AFrican version of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery"
Balthayzr> They're summoning apes, the only thing Chuck fears.
eisenhower> I've just come to the conclusion that south america is just plain worthless.
BryanL> Actually, this looks like an early version of the 2600 game, "Warlords".
BEMaven> It's the Nail Anyone Who's Not A Virgin Ritual. Still want to watch?
Plummengen> Leiningen just won't let go of the Prime Directive, will heA?
eisenhower> Yes, it was a mistake. Why the fuck would you leave new orleans for THIS!!?!?
BryanL> I loaded sixteen tons, and what did I get?
eisenhower> Another day Chucker and deeper in sweat.
BryanL> I was promised ants. I feel like Chuck when he found out she wasn't a virgin.
Balthayzr> And, we only have 2 Starbucks! It's primative, I tell you!!!
THX-1138> Oh, it's a shruken elvis head.
BryanL> She's just disturbed because it's not mint in package.
eisenhower> my heart pines for a commercial.
BryanL> Remember, nothign says true love like sweaty masturbation outside her window.
Balthayzr> Yes, when in doubt, a nice peeping scene sets up character motivation just fine.
eisenhower> ah, sweet booze.
Brautigan> make that two ice cubes
Balthayzr> And the Booze council gets their plug.
Plummengen> sweet sweet booze
Djenk> The Booze Council reminds you that when life sucks, drink booze
eisenhower> Stately plump Buck Mulligan... NAH! It's just crap.
BEMaven> Actually, he just drank Thousand Islands.
BryanL> Stop this now. Ants. Gimme ants. I don't want this, I want ants.
Djenk> Tell me something, has Chuck managed to do one thing to make his charachter anything but loathsome and vile
eisenhower> I think the ants thing was just a Plummer hallucination, Bryan.
BryanL> Chuck's a real man. Takes by force what he doesn't want.
BarryHubris> Maybe the ants are inside of them, slowly eating their insides?
BryanL> If it weren't for all his guns, I'd suggest we form an expedition to kick Chuck's ass.
BryanL> This is the movie that dares to tell the truth about the founding of Club Med.
eisenhower> This movie really needs a Paul Prudhomme or an Arnold Stang to brighten things up.
BryanL> This movie really needs ANTS.
BryanL> Lots of ANTS.
eisenhower> God, there were more ants in "Boyz in the Hood" than in this.
BryanL> You've been whipping them completely wrong! Let me show you.
Balthayzr> That's some tic Conrad has.
BarryHubris> I give them cookies and sponge baths. They seem to enjoy it.
Plummengen> This head is your head. This head is my head.
eisenhower> Ah! He has no eyes!
Plummengen> This head is made of you and me.
eisenhower> That guy is sooo Chandler.
Balthayzr> I whip my men with my bushy eyebrows!!
BryanL> This is one of the rare times I wish the "bug" was bigger. Much bigger. And opaque. And caused the sound to mute.
Balthayzr> Conrad is sending a secret message in morse-code blinks to his fans...
BryanL> No, she's leaving 'cause Chuck doesn't like her count...ry.
BEMaven> I love the filth and the shrunken heads and the barbarism and the casual rapes and ...
Plummengen> So, I wonder what it was about Chuck Heston's performace that compelled TV Guide to award this movie three stars.
eisenhower> his constant bitterness?
Balthayzr> The fact he doesn't grit his teeth?
Ironf> Yep Chuck and the Fat Man really sucks
BryanL> So, Chuck's problem really is that she did it, she finally did it, damn her all to hell?
whitelion> ANTS!!
BryanL> Marabunta! Ants! Yes!
eisenhower> nice Snagglepuss tie on the doughy guy.
BarryHubris> Chuck morphs into a giant ant and is put in a freak show. The End.
Brautigan> the MArabunta Scare of 1901!
BryanL> And now, time for some Marabooty
BEMaven> so...Marabunta is a dance...right?
eisenhower> suddenly I pine for an insanely fey Vincent Price and his paper airship.
BEMaven> Yes, the termites would love the paper airship.
Balthayzr> She's reading the original book to see if that sucks as much as this movie.
BarryHubris> Why are you reading about ants? Is there a subplot I don't know about?
BryanL> Funny, "Party Quirks" is usually funnier than this.
BryanL> That whole Marabunta scene was just a fuckin' tease, wasn't it.
Balthayzr> A planet where Hestons evolved from ants???
THX-1138> I don't like sloppy seconds.
BryanL> Well, I guess he'll just have to go out looking for the twelfth herb and/or spice.
Balthayzr> Drums also say Stock Market down 2 points. New Dilbert also funny.
BryanL> These ants are like the costume in a Marvel TV movie.
Plummengen> The ants can grow to the size of a human, yet retain the strength of an ant!
BEMaven> Chuck's so hard and rusty the insects bounce off.
eisenhower> I really wish she would come to her senses and stab Chuck in the back of the head and drain his pineal gland.
Plummengen> And I thought I could ravish you. I'm getting sick of the native boys.
* eisenhower shakes movie vigorously by the lapels and screams "DO SOMETHING!!!!"
BarryHubris> Did I just score?
eisenhower> ok, let's recap.
eisenhower> Chuck scowled.
eisenhower> Chuck rejects bride.
BryanL> She shows up, and then she's gonna leave.
eisenhower> Chuck knowns nothing about music,
Balthayzr> Chuck gets wife. Chuck hates wife. Wife goes home. Chuck likes wife.
eisenhower> Chuck applies bug repellent. Guys get almost hung.
Plummengen> Some natives were killed and not killed.
Ironf> Chuck got a little head from one of the natives, don't forget that
Balthayzr> You know, I've seen 3 stooges shorts with more believable jungle footage.
BryanL> Their Aryan-Sense is tingling.
BarryHubris> Ace Ventura jumps out of a bush going home after his latest sequel and gets eaten by a giant ant.
BryanL> How could they cut the power? They're ANTS!
eisenhower> clearly you need to rewatch Phase IV, Bryan. ANTS ARE SMART!
Balthayzr> Well, we had Alcohol, tobacco, and now Firearms. That about does it.
eisenhower> Toshiro Mifune! backa wacka wacka jawaka!
BryanL> That's some serious Star Trek music.
eisenhower> AHHH! There's an ANT on the wing of the plane!
Ironf> I totally believe that this wan't shot on a 12 by 12 sound stage
eisenhower> Ok, Criswell predicts doughy moustachioed guy gets eaten by ants.
Balthayzr> "Mother? I'm taking this ant back to the store, it's got 2 legs missing and a false feeler!"
BEMaven> Chuck's shorts are getting shorter.
Ironf> And Leon is getting LAARGERRRR
BryanL> In the end, there was no boat. Chuck Heston was found alive, and of normal size, 100 miles away.
Plummengen> And Bryan gets in this game's Monster-a-go-go ref.
eisenhower> It's a tradition.
Plummengen> I think this movie lost the high ground when you stepped out of nGay Rancher's Monthly in your first scene, Chuck.
BryanL> The Fremen are trying to call the ants with thumpers...
Djenk> AND WE HAVE ANTS!!!!!!
eisenhower> I don't believe it. Those can't be ants. they're... they're just Billy Barty.
BryanL> We have ANT!
Ironf> one down, 3 trillion to go
Balthayzr> AHHHH!!!! AN ANT!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!
THX-1138> Only one way to stop them, kill Adam Ant
BryanL> Babaloo Mandel!
Balthayzr> Hurry! We saw a real cheap matte effect coming thru the jungle!!!
BarryHubris> My god, the plot just falls out of the sky and lands in our laps.
BryanL> The Marabunta aren't really that dangerous, they've just got one kickass PR department.
Balthayzr> Chuck puts on his best ant-squashing clothes.
BryanL> Ebola tampopo chimichanga!
eisenhower> ahaahhaha, terrible alyssa milano vampire movie on tnt.
eisenhower> not that uh, i'm changing the channel or anything.
eisenhower> Nope. Not doing that.
Ironf> This is my BOOM-STICK
Balthayzr> That guy is so "Satan-from-The-Undead".
BryanL> This is my boomstick, this is my gun. One is for marabunta, the other's for fun.
whitelion> where did the zorro escpapee come from?
Balthayzr> Hey, that was my best beer bong!!
BryanL> He's got a warehouse full of Combat ant traps he was saving for this contingency.
Ironf> They'll stay tonight cause I have free hot wings
BarryHubris> And the music writer goes for an emmy....
BryanL> Meanwhile, Jonny Quest and Race Bannen are searching for the lost gold of the Marabunta.
eisenhower> dig that koo-koo matte painting.
Ironf> Wow when i caught the last 20 mins of this today, I actually caught all of the ant part, didn't I
eisenhower> And you're watching it AGAIN!?!?
Ironf> He needs to make an anti-ant serum from his blood
BryanL> You know what's worse? I'm sure the irony of the white man fighting the ants to see which one can destroy the forest first was completely lost on everyone involved with this production.
BarryHubris> If the ants kill everyone but Chuck ant the girl and they change their names to Adam and Eve, I'm gonna hurt someone.
BarryHubris> I wish the ants wouldn't yell like that.
BryanL> I still don't think this was the real inspiration for "A Bug's Life".
Balthayzr> That noise should scare the hell out of Chuck, since it's the same noise the Apes used when going human-hunting.
eisenhower> Manic Depression in C Minor
Balthayzr> Yes, run out now and buy the "Naked Jungle" soundtrack album!!
BEMaven> Actually, the ants are from Alaska...driven by volcanic activity.
THX-1138> Men are like Sporks, Women are like Spoons by John Gray
BarryHubris> Oh god, the movie hit rewind. We're back to when the movie REALLY sucked.
Balthayzr> Let's do it ant style!!
BEMaven> Like the ants, he only comes every 20 years.
eisenhower> ants: our country's greatest natural resource
Plummengen> Transies are like Snorks, by Joe Barbera.
BryanL> The ants are disgusted by Chuck's ineptitude in the sack, and just go around the camp.
Balthayzr> Uh, someone wanna wake Coleman Francis, there?
* eisenhower cracks up
eisenhower> Ok, this is a good scene.
eisenhower> Thank you, movie.
Ironf> jump in the water there retard
Balthayzr> The bees! The bee....I mean, the ants!! The ants!!!
BarryHubris> Don't jump in the plentiful water supply there, Coleman.
eisenhower> payummayumma! Taste the fruit! New fruit island CEREEAAAAAAL!
Plummengen> Cracklin' Ant Bran.
Balthayzr> GAAAHHHH!!!! Heston put an ant's head in her bed as a warning!!!
BarryHubris> First you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the POWER!
BryanL> This is just like how in Aliens, the android crawled through the tube to get to the transmitter to bring down the drop ship, and then the drop ship crashed, only this sucks.
Balthayzr> Yes, only big-name stars are smart enough to seek water!!
BryanL> I love watching Chuck flail around like this.
Ironf> Is it good to now be able to see through Chuck's shirt?
Balthayzr> Fire, and floods. Give it up, Chuck, the Moses gig ended. Let it go.
BEMaven> I still think the ants won on a technicality.
Ironf> Unfortunatly the ants were smart enough to seek higher ground on the trees before the dam blew
BarryHubris> That means, "ahhahahahaha, Wipeout!"
Plummengen> Too bad Chuck never thought of just getting a cup from the red ant ant pile and dumping it on the black ant ant pile and letting them fight it out.
BEMaven> Shoot. juan valdez survived.
Balthayzr> That was Brill-ant!!
eisenhower> Chuck has it written into all his contracts that he must bare his chest in each and every movie.
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
Djenk> I learned that Chuck was born to play a mysoginist sob plantation owner
Balthayzr> I learned that Destroying your property with floods is better than letting the ants eat it.
eisenhower> I learned that Chuck is basically just a jerk, even though he managed to kill a bunch of ants.
BEMaven> I learned that true love is found in burning furniture. I'm off to Art Van.
Balthayzr> So, Chuck was the Ant-agonist in this movie?
Ironf> I learned that this movie was around and hour and ten mins too long
BarryHubris> I learned that if your sweaty and annoying and you throw perfume, you get the woman.
Djenk> So lets Bungle/ Up the Jungle/ Cause it's all Chuck/ You see
lando5> I bring greetings from The Q for one and all...and a warning that her return is imminent.
Balthayzr> I ant-isipate her return.
BarryHubris> I learned that matte paintings don't make convincing backgrounds.
Plummengen> I learned that good short stories don't make good chuck heston features.
BEMaven> I also learned that William Conrad is more annoying than his alarms.

"I don't need no stinking flirt."
"There's more to it than size."
"...I've been through your things."
"Leave something on me, I'm getting chilly"
"He left that out". "Actually, he didn't. That's why I'm not a virgin."
"He was very gay, very charming, and very drunk."
"I had a 100 men at that time."
"Too proud to take another man's leavings."
"I don't know how to be second....I can only be first."
"You're up against a monster 20 miles long and 2 miles wide..."

Here are some actual user-submitted reviews from the Internet Movie Database. Once again, none of these are fake. I repeat: there is not one red herring amongst these. This isn't a "pick out the fake quote" quiz. These are all real. Sit back, and enjoy.

mgrasso is not an entomologist. I repeat: not an entomologist.